Advice -- Old ghosts of the past

[TracyL1975]

Quite recently (last week), I suffered a minor breakdown in my life. During the extensive recovery, I discovered that an old ghost of the past is haunting me. Growing up, upon every single visit to my pedio endrochonogist (every 3mos), I had an examination of my vaginal area. The doctor himself was quite blunt, often causing me pain in that area. Now, the current doctors in my life believe that this is very unusal, and suspect the doctor of wrong doing. Honestly, I do not know what others experience. Is this unusal, or par for the course, in your experience?

[Sunshine1]

Dear Tracy,

Really can't make the call about anything you experienced over the internet but if your ped endo tried to stick his finger into the vaginal canal when you were a child/ teen- that's called dialation- checking to see if the vaginal canal will support ..is big enough for period blood passing and more important to the doctor is that it's roomy enough for penile penitration. Something for a ten year old to have a man and it doesn't matter their a doctor because it's just a man wearing a gold tie w/ blue poka dots pushing his finger into you - didn't even wear a complete glove - just something looking like a condom going over one finger- the color of the room was pale yellow. The other doctors med residents would pull apart the labia useing two fingers - no gloves. I got a story about a ruler, a medical resident and a breast exam- I was 11.

Other doctors have no idea about the genital exams someone with CAH as to endure as a child.

Feel like you were molested? Many with CAH feel like that but that's the exams they do. They pulled my genital area apart like it was silly putty. The endo was at the best teaching hospital in the mid - west and the med residents the cream of the crop. I thought about suicide as a child after being pawed by them.

Call that ped endo tell him how you feel put it back at his feet. maybe counseling will help you.

Not really a child when you have to crawl up on a table and spread your legs open for men so they can judge you- they ruined my life.

If this endo put his fingers in you .... he was checking your vaginal canal for future suitability

pulled apart the vaginal area .....wanted to make sure it looked acceptable.

Welcome to the U of Mich - glue macarroni to card board in the waiting room - go through the door and hear the nurse ...take everything off and put this gown on sweetie. ........ (Reality) welcome to the U of Mich ....throw your panties on the floor. Hop up on that table spread your legs for us .....we are good we are doctors. Ten years old and having a man shoved his finger in the canal they created - I wanted to kill myself after what he did. But I was ten and didn't have a plan but had one in my twenties

If you are fucked up from those gential exams? there are many of us.

[Peter]

I got the two finger treatment a couple of years ago, as my regular doctor pulled apart the labia, if that is what my rudimentary vaginal features are. I am not really into self diagnosis. My lips, a couple of inches long, can be spread apart, in a "V" pattern, which is about an inch and a half at the widest. The finger gloves you mention are called finger cots, but my doctor did not use any. There is no depth to my vaginal features, so they could skip the one finger test as unnecessary.

Peter

[Sunshine1]

Dear Tracy,

should of wrote there are many people with CAH that are fucked up about the genitals exams that were done but also those with other intersex conditions that do understand how you might feel.

I'm sorry Peter ..I was answering her from someone with CAH but other conditions go through the same intrusion also. Some when they are younger or older but still hard. Thanks for the info about the micro condoms.

My ped endo thought he was helping. Thought I understood...fuckers wrote on the medical records that I was agreeable and bubbly as you are getting exposed.... finger fucked when you are a child .....kept going that he did his best ....yes his best to violate me and destroy my boundaries. I wish that I would of died on the surgey table during the clitorectomy or from the blockage the surgeon cause.

I don't fit in there world even thought I look like I do. I could just stop taking the hydrocortisone and get sick ....no hydro then sooner later adrenal crisis .....not like any doctor in the ER WOULD HELP ....I tell them about adrenal crisis then the next doctor has no idea but they perk at the genital part.

[Peter]

Hi Sunshine,

I found your post so interesting that I replied. I do not have CAH. I was just going through the unread posts when I saw yours, and I did not realize that it was part of the CAH sub-forum. Later when I came back to re-read the thread, I thought that someone might mistakenly think that I was claiming to have CAH, which is not the case.

Peter

[Sunshine1]

Dear Peter,

I think the more that write regardless the better it is- this is what they do to us. Those finger dialations destroyed me...The docotr thought it was less traumatic. Have a friend that went through the metal dialations as the med students looked on. You aren't a child after that is done to you.

You are put through all this ..to be fuckable.

Nervous break downs ...had them also in my 20's

This is what happened in the 70's and 80's at the best medical centers.

They were so proud ...putting in that canal and showing me of to the students and the residents .... as the surgeons said later " they were trained" like that made it better to a child/teen. If they had just done the surgery and left me alone ...or asked me clued me in on what they were doing to my body .... wasn't my body after five but rather their idea.

They thought they were helping but their helping makes me feel like garbadge ...A little girl exposed in a room full of men/women and each got to take their turn, groups of two, or the one on one servicing ..I was a good tool for them ...the endo would then come in and paw me again while they watched Flipped my trainning bra up with one flip of the finger like a whore with no rights ...prior the resident at least hesitated and gave me some respect by letting me pull the bra up before he put this geometry ruler on my child breasts ...he couldn't read it so he had to get in real close .. black hair, glasses, red tie ....wish all those residents woulD of thrown money on the table ....you aren't like the rest of the kids after those exams. You are human garbage.

The most fucking thing about all this is that hospital is represented on that Intersex Medical Board... yeah after everthing that was done in the 70's and 80's ...the experts.

Dear Tracy ...look at post traumatic stress disorder.

Welcome to CS Mott's Childern's Hospital @<hidden> U of Mich ...take your panties off for us ....we wanna take a peek. Childhood? innocence of being a teen ...lost and all these chi chi gender theorists do their lectures ..........get fucked over and over again.

Drunk every night numbs the pain was silly to be sober.

feel raped ....nope just a cah exam.

Aimee

[TracyL1975]

Aimee -- I am assuming you are from michigan? I am as well. If you wish, contact me at tracyl1975@<hidden>

Its a hard road. One that fucks with both your sexual identity, and your gender identity. I am having my crisis right now. I am strong, I will get thru it, and fix it. I cannot change the past, but I can talk about the past with like minded people. For the fact of the matter.. I had these examiniations for every single visit to the ped. and every visit to the emergency room. They did fuck me up. But not for life. I know that much is certain.

Kind of ironic, we were put thru all of this to be fuckable.. I myself am a lesbian, a celebate one at that. It is what it is. They fucked up the vaginal surgery fo r me. I cannot even have normal sex with a man. I get my periods backed up to my bladder. Again, it is what it is.

[Sunshine1]

men and women sticking their fingers in you and pulling your genitals apart destroys childhood and teen years ...over and over was told later that finger dialations were less of a trauma ...14 and a man pulling apart the labia major ...for what ? wasn't for me but so he could learn what a vaginoplasty and a clitorectomy look like A fucking teaching tool ....not human never got paid. Really helped the people with CAH for the next generations ...doubt it but nice thought.


Shhh we just want to take a peek


anyway answered your post in the surgery section under help.


Sorry but have no idea about how any of this relates to "sexual or gender identity" I know those Chi Chi gender theorists fuck with us a different way ..they poke with their own stick to get only what they need to put in thier papers, lectures, and Books.


Best Wishes-

[TracyL1975]

Sunshine. Thanks for the information. Thanks for sharing your story. Trust me, I am all to familiar with the routine. Except they were not sucessful with me. Whatever. Fuck them. Because of them - him - whoever, I am spending thousands of dollars in intensive therepy, and I got to spend this new years in the psych ward of my favorite hospital -- after an attempted suicide. I am better now. I am facing these ghosts of the past now. The therepy helps. The antidepressants help too. At least I can sit here in peace, ipod fed stereo at earth shattering volumes, being happy, not depressed about my so called dark past.

As far as the gender identity.. I guess i am letting those same gender thereoists fuck with me. To the point of questioning my own identity. Hell, the doctors even offered my parents to make me a boy. imagine that. oooh, imagine being told, after telling said parents that I was gay -- "I knew we should have made you a boy." Hello - I said I was gay, not a man. There is a difference, and a huge one at that. I am very much a woman, and take pride in such. I just happen to be attracted to women.

By the way, I am using the information you provided to me to persue fixing what they messed up. I mean, they can make a man into a woman, they should even be able to do something with my messed up parts. I sure hope I don't get the same response of 'why bother' that I got from another dedicated medical professional in the past. (Can you tell I am bitter?) Oh well, it is what it is. nothing more.

Again, I encourage my fellow CAH victims contact me. TracyL1975@<hidden> Perhaps we can help each other.