Priestess
02-26-06, 03:50 PM
Priestess,
Just a curiosity question if you would indulge me. By no means do you need to answer if you don’t want to. But you have said some things that spirited this question. If you had to choose both or neither sex/gender as the way you feel, which way would you go? Personally I feel there is a huge difference between the two.
Thanks Prince….ss?
Hiya Princess,
That's a umm good question, and I've needed the learning experiences of recent years in order to appreciate this. I seem to be developing a sense of self, which hopefully I may translate for you.
If this was a question such as "which sex do you choose", the answer would be simple. I must choose female, from the extigent circumstances of having a bodged-together simulated micro-genitalia and a nearly complete female reproductive system which is already functioning. Though how it got inside me in the first place is still under investigation.
But no, you're asking me for something deeper and more meaningful, so I must succomb to introspection :)
To begin, I definately do *not* feel like neither or non-(sexed/gendered). For too much of my life I suffered through being treated like a neither, almost as a non-person. In retrospect, I suppose that was probably because I unintentionally gave off a lot of mixed signals to others, which I wasn't very aware of. And in return, I was made to feel like an outcast in a world which behaved as though I was of no value to anyone. Yet I knew in my heart that I was more than this, that I possessed warmth and humanity and desires and needs. That I should be something to my future self and others. For me, neitherness was a cruel punishment.
My unpleasant memories of neitherness are relevant to the explanation of my feelings, because the fates have granted me the chance to leave it. True, a frequent remark is "holy shit she's tall", which in turn occasionally causes pronouns to run inconveniently. But they almost always correct themselves on the fly, so no great damage done. As several people have told me, they sense an aura about me which makes my imperfections easy to ignore.
Though anyhow, I thank the fates for allowing me humanity, for now people are kinder, and friendlier, and more sociable. And I thank the people for allowing me to respectfully adapt into their customs. And if I can solve the remaining obstacles, someday I may look back on this from the end result of a mostly normal me.
And my feelings of myself, my sex and gender? Mmm, well my perceptions aren't influenced by concerns over sexual orientation. I admit to having umm bisexual desires, and no conflicting religous beliefs to bring me guilt. Not to worry though, it's only selected individuals whom I find intriguing, and I'm safe to be around :) (I'm the one who needs to worry, most of the time)
I find that feel myself only female in sex, this being due to the fact that in the period since my reproductive system has been functional, my body seems to respond to my every impure thought in a decidedly female fashion. This being in comparison to times past, when I was sexless and felt that I'd been cursed with being born a eunuch.
In the final question of how I perceive my gender, at this moment in my personal evolution, I feel myself to be a odd sort of tomboy. That's alright with me, and the world doesn't seem to mind.
Perhaps a mini-parable ... If you were to raise a girl in the alaskan wilderness, out of touch with most of the cultural/gender mores which our society takes for granted. And if she then someday travelled to the big city, isn't it likely that she would be out of phase with the fashion folks and the metro crowd? Perhaps she'd like it better there, yet would in fact be a odd sort of tomboy by their standards. But that wouldn't be intentional, her mindset wouldn't be male. She'd simply be a newcomer to different ways.
That's all the stuff I can think of for right now. I hope this helps for what you were curious about. If not, maybe I can try to answer questions that are more particular :)
- Melissa
Just a curiosity question if you would indulge me. By no means do you need to answer if you don’t want to. But you have said some things that spirited this question. If you had to choose both or neither sex/gender as the way you feel, which way would you go? Personally I feel there is a huge difference between the two.
Thanks Prince….ss?
Hiya Princess,
That's a umm good question, and I've needed the learning experiences of recent years in order to appreciate this. I seem to be developing a sense of self, which hopefully I may translate for you.
If this was a question such as "which sex do you choose", the answer would be simple. I must choose female, from the extigent circumstances of having a bodged-together simulated micro-genitalia and a nearly complete female reproductive system which is already functioning. Though how it got inside me in the first place is still under investigation.
But no, you're asking me for something deeper and more meaningful, so I must succomb to introspection :)
To begin, I definately do *not* feel like neither or non-(sexed/gendered). For too much of my life I suffered through being treated like a neither, almost as a non-person. In retrospect, I suppose that was probably because I unintentionally gave off a lot of mixed signals to others, which I wasn't very aware of. And in return, I was made to feel like an outcast in a world which behaved as though I was of no value to anyone. Yet I knew in my heart that I was more than this, that I possessed warmth and humanity and desires and needs. That I should be something to my future self and others. For me, neitherness was a cruel punishment.
My unpleasant memories of neitherness are relevant to the explanation of my feelings, because the fates have granted me the chance to leave it. True, a frequent remark is "holy shit she's tall", which in turn occasionally causes pronouns to run inconveniently. But they almost always correct themselves on the fly, so no great damage done. As several people have told me, they sense an aura about me which makes my imperfections easy to ignore.
Though anyhow, I thank the fates for allowing me humanity, for now people are kinder, and friendlier, and more sociable. And I thank the people for allowing me to respectfully adapt into their customs. And if I can solve the remaining obstacles, someday I may look back on this from the end result of a mostly normal me.
And my feelings of myself, my sex and gender? Mmm, well my perceptions aren't influenced by concerns over sexual orientation. I admit to having umm bisexual desires, and no conflicting religous beliefs to bring me guilt. Not to worry though, it's only selected individuals whom I find intriguing, and I'm safe to be around :) (I'm the one who needs to worry, most of the time)
I find that feel myself only female in sex, this being due to the fact that in the period since my reproductive system has been functional, my body seems to respond to my every impure thought in a decidedly female fashion. This being in comparison to times past, when I was sexless and felt that I'd been cursed with being born a eunuch.
In the final question of how I perceive my gender, at this moment in my personal evolution, I feel myself to be a odd sort of tomboy. That's alright with me, and the world doesn't seem to mind.
Perhaps a mini-parable ... If you were to raise a girl in the alaskan wilderness, out of touch with most of the cultural/gender mores which our society takes for granted. And if she then someday travelled to the big city, isn't it likely that she would be out of phase with the fashion folks and the metro crowd? Perhaps she'd like it better there, yet would in fact be a odd sort of tomboy by their standards. But that wouldn't be intentional, her mindset wouldn't be male. She'd simply be a newcomer to different ways.
That's all the stuff I can think of for right now. I hope this helps for what you were curious about. If not, maybe I can try to answer questions that are more particular :)
- Melissa