not sure what to do

[Nikki]

im falling apart. i dont know what to do. i have been dealing with this for far too long. i think i lost my mind.

i dont even know why i am posting here. call it a feeling. i always act on them. maybe this feeling will lead me to someone who understands.

i have walked on the wire of gender for so long. falling on one side and climbing back up. falling over on the other side. sometimes i can catch my balance and just stay up there but i always fall. sometimes i can lean in the direction i feel i should fall to.

it is too a point where my body doesnt exist. i live a happy normal life in my head. i force myself to have normal childhood memories. i create this whole illusion and i can live in it. but then reality interrupts and i fall so fast and the ground is far from soft. im so scared that things have gone too far to control in my head. im not always here. im not always me. im not even sure who i am right now.

i dont know anymore. i tried getting help. therapy was horrible. i never want to go through that again. pouring your heart out to someone who clearly doesnt even care is not what i want. i just want somebody who understands. im sick of being so incredibly lonely and isolated and feeling like some kind of freak. i didnt ask for this. i dont want it. i just want to be cured.


i feel this was a waste now

[bolt]

nikki,
i know how you feel to some extent. i am what they call a psuedo-hermaphrodite. i am female on the inside with male genitalia and male/
female features on the outside. nobody ever told me that i wasnt
normal and i didnt find out until adulthood. my parents could have saved
me a lot of grief if they had raised me to be exactly what i am instead
of sending me out into the world completely unprepared to deal with it.
people should be told the truth about themselves very early on and not be humored. sometimes i felt like i a was male, sometimes female. since i
have male genitalia though, i desided to just be male. its worked ok
so far.

bolt

[steve/lisa]

dear. Nikki hon,my name's not importante but you can call me either steve or lisa.I answer to what your comtable with,I put up a preview about me on 6-3-07,layed out a basic profile about a small part of my life,Mostly the being in hell part.Yes I know what it's like to live on both side's.I am a 46xx/46xy W/chimerism By tetragametic formation in the womb.I to did not find out about myself till i had second teste removed from seminoma,cancer.(1st was smaller had hydrocystsat age 10 4 surgery's from then to 13 yrs old then it went to right side was first,gonadal Blastoma,they took the first one at 20 or almost they asked then if i were a herm,but I'd never been told ANYTHING ever like you it was the pits,so i moved on.I was always a little different thought ,looked,sometimes acted,and the walk was a little well walked on my toes,very high waisted i looked like my mother body was,slender smaal feet ankles and so on you catch the drift. but all man yet different.just thought sex was great everything seemed to work even nerves other guys never talked about,so another 4 yrs went by.then started to get sick,(i was and have only been sick with anything once in my life) I was feeling bad teste started to hurt,and swell lost wieght,I have a bad habit of ignoring these things or at least i did,1 yr went by could not work any longer finally seen a DR.but he said theirs nothing wrong just stress,When i was put in hospital a DR,did a needle biopsy in the teste(now that really hurt badd) found the seminoma cancer,Ithen had ultra sounds done and they found the vagina and a ovary and asorted hardware inside me,shoot i was totally shocked could'a knocked me over with a feather,well i used alot of testosterone ijections to stay a man.after finally getting surgery and cis platinum type of kemo,was the pits,but i always seem to servive, well it's been 14 yrs now i'm 40 be 41 on aug,don't use the testosterone injects anymore and the ovary developed a few yrs ago (it's the only hormones in me)and i to walk a fine lined wire and yes my dear it hurts bad when i fall,some times on one side and some on the other side.actualy their both nice but am tending towards the softer side,if you like I'll be more than happy to explain that in better detail.but awhile ago i started having periods inside (it can't get out) And i developed a host of new problems,and nobody could tell me whats wong(I also learned in my earler life not to say what i was to anybody) so after several yrs and alot of hosp stays one doctor told me or shall i say asked me why i did not tell him what i was or what to look for.At that point in time i just wanted to die!!was and still am soo very scard I've lost all my friends every time i told one of me (was desperit to talk to some one)the said horriable things and left including my 2ed wife (told her of the cancer and what they found she left after she called me a freak among other things very hurtful)shit now I'm crying again, some times i just can't seem to quit crying,i just seem to think,hear, see,something and down it comes.Dear,I do know what it's like to be alone,scard,frightened,afraid and the worst lonely....But i always seem to keep going on and on,with my pathetic life at least it's mine.I like you just seem to wear blinders,I once thought if I were deaf and blind i could walk among the normal and not be heard or seen,.nor judged nor made fun of or called such horriable names just for being born this way.But i have found some piece of late so thats some good news anyway. well Nikki if you would like to talk just look me up on here it's steve/lisa is my member name.I do have one preview posted on 6-3-07 it took me a few months to think about this first but decided what the heck like you too.I hope to talk soon to you if you like, just a friend i hope signed,lisa.

[steve/lisa]

dear. Nikki hon,my name's not importante but you can call me either steve or lisa.I answer to what your comtable with,I put up a preview about me on 6-3-07,layed out a basic profile about a small part of my life,Mostly the being in hell part.Yes I know what it's like to live on both side's.I am a 46xx/46xy W/chimerism By tetragametic formation in the womb.I to did not find out about myself till i had second teste removed from seminoma,cancer.(1st was smaller had hydrocysts at age 10 4 surgery's from then to 13 yrs old then it went to right side was first,gonadal Blastoma,they took the first one at 20 or almost they asked then if i were a herm,but I'd never been told ANYTHING ever like you it was the pits,so i moved on.I was always a little different thought ,looked,sometimes acted,and the walk was a little well walked on my toes,very high waisted i looked like my mother body was,slender small feet ankles and so on you catch the drift. but all man yet different.just thought sex was great everything seemed to work even nerves other guys never talked about,so another 4 yrs went by.then started to get sick,(i was and have only been sick with anything once in my life) I was feeling bad teste started to hurt,and swell lost wieght,I have a bad habit of ignoring these things or at least i did,1 yr went by could not work any longer finally seen a DR.but he said theirs nothing wrong just stress,When i was put in hospital a DR,did a needle biopsy in the teste(now that really hurt badd) found the seminoma cancer,Ithen had ultra sounds done and they found the vagina and a ovary and asorted hardware inside me,shoot i was totally shocked could'a knocked me over with a feather,well i used alot of testosterone ijections to stay a man.after finally getting surgery and cis platinum type of kemo,was the pits,but i always seem to servive, well it's been 14 yrs now i'm 40 be 41 on aug,don't use the testosterone injects anymore and the ovary developed a few yrs ago (it's the only hormones in me)and i to walk a fine lined wire and yes my dear it hurts bad when i fall,some times on one side and some on the other side.actualy their both nice but am tending towards the softer side,if you like I'll be more than happy to explain that in better detail.but awhile ago i started having periods inside (it can't get out) And i developed a host of new problems,and nobody could tell me whats wong(I also learned in my earler life not to say what i was to anybody) so after several yrs and alot of hosp stays one doctor told me or shall i say asked me why i did not tell him what i was or what to look for.At that point in time i just wanted to die!!was and still am soo very scard I've lost all my friends every time i told one of me (was desperit to talk to some one)the said horriable things and left including my 2ed wife (told her of the cancer and what they found she left after she called me a freak among other things very hurtful)shit now I'm crying again, some times i just can't seem to quit crying,i just seem to think,hear, see,something and down it comes.Dear,I do know what it's like to be alone,scard,frightened,afraid and the worst lonely....But i always seem to keep going on and on,with my pathetic life at least it's mine.I like you just seem to wear blinders,I once thought if I were deaf and blind i could walk among the normal and not be heard or seen,.nor judged nor made fun of or called such horriable names just for being born this way.But i have found some piece of late so thats some good news anyway. well Nikki if you would like to talk just look me up on here it's steve/lisa is my member name.I do have one preview posted on 6-3-07 it took me a few months to think about this first but decided what the heck like you too.I hope to talk soon to you if you like, just a friend i hope signed,lisa.

[Kailana]

While your thoughts seem a little jumbled, they do express a fair bit of confusion. Your entitled to that. No one here will judge your words harshly. Sometimes it takes a while to find your voice. When you do it'll be a little easier to write what are trying to say, were most will at least understand what it is that you are trying to say.

I agree with you. Its not easy feeling isolated. Or easy keeping everything in. i believe there is a great deal of shame, from not feeling as though your not normal. I have said those same words often enough to understand that its not easy. In my cheerier moments i have the clarity of mind to comprehend that i am extremely normal; just different then others. I think being normal,is being human, and no matter what condition we have, or what variation we happen to be, we are normal. You kind of have to throw away those 2 gender norms of male and female. Some of us are just a mix of both, in a way, I would like to think that means we are in fact more normal then what Dr's and psychiatrists say is normal male or female. We are in fact the normal ones, everyone else is just missing our unique physique. We have things both men and women should be envious of. Oh wait they are envious of us, thats why we keeep on getting butchered by Surgeons. you know, Have to make us look like everyone else you see, otherwise people will think they are inadequate. So instead, we are the guenea pigs, the humans forced to have numerous surgeries, that werent wanted, but we just had to have, to give us a so called normal life.

Now then, has anyone else out there wondered why we as a group, do not agree with surgeries being forced on us? I really think the medical community made a huge mistake with reccommending surgeries on infants.

nikki write some more, your words are important, your thoughts too, don't question that. if nothing else, vent a little, you have a place here, dont hide from the people who understand you most. We need your voice too. Please share some of your own wisdom. It may just help someone else who is looking for the words to say.

best wishes