What Friends Are To Me.....

[steve/lisa]

A friend is some one that makes u smile,laugh without caring,feel all tingley inside,And in times of bad things to help u,to hold ur hand and say it's alright,to push u so as to get things done,To make sure u r alright,To support the desicions u make,or to queston them,A friend just calls to say hi how r u doing,Or to say happy birthday to u or merry xmas or some thing just because their ur friend,I have two friends that do just that call just to say hi,I had a person an aqaintance I guess,call the other day and just blast me for nothing I guess she had a bad day or some thing and say terriable things to me I finnally just hung up on her,I cried for hours just sobbing and thought I would just die,I guess I'm not as thicked skin as I thought I was getting,Cause it just tore me up inside,Still does, how dare a person say so many nice things to me for so long and then just be ugly as all heck all of a sudden,Start sceaming such mean things to me when all I did was call and say Hi to her how's ur day been??As a friend, gosh she seemed like a lover scorned and we r just friends and have never met in person.
Maybe I'm real dense or some thing did I miss some thing their,I know it was'nt that she liked me as a lover cause she really never met me in person and when I said I'm thinking of leaving the country on my sailboat she just snapped and turned ugly as all heck,If she felt this way along then I was dooped if I missed my cue then I'm to dense to live.
Now I don't know what to do about this situation as we both r on the same site we talk and today I ran into her their and she just left real fast,Did I miss some thing their was I just stupied again or did she always feel like I was a dummy or ugly,or what ?????????????.
She has been against my descion to be lisa from the start she does'nt understand I think, that my body can't tolerate the tostesterone any longer and that leaves only my estrogen,She's asked why can't I be steve and just play lisa's part well that would mean I was just a crossdresser then to me,I must be some thing not a nothing was she planning at some point to meet me ?? If so she should have told me this instead of saying I wish not to meet anyone ever,I get so confussed about these matters like this,and when things like this happen then it just makes me want to run away a little faster,As some of u do this to or should I say some of ones like ourselfs do that just to protect our hearts,I seem to do this alot lately always trying to protect my heart.
I just wish people would just say what they mean as this is the only thing I understand,straight up talk about my feelings,That way nobody can misunderstand what it is I'm saying.
So chalk up another one i guess,She was so ugly in what she was saying,It's like it was tear up lisa day,She does'nt seem to understand what i am as a herm (or intersexed as all u say) I am what I am and all the surgeries can't change that.I have to for myself be just one not two cause thats very confussing for me thats what I'm trying to get away from that,I feel I must choose which one tobe,And I have chosen so she should just accept that and then either accept me for what I am or not,Well I seem to have answered my own problem just now she has chosen,I think it's the not choice. So here I am getting hurt most likely over one that was just using me or something,She always said she has never met anyone like me befor and never understood why I was so strong of a personality and then got so soft of one,well I can't be all things to all people all the time,I'm just me the way I wish to be anymore I have wants to and as said earler I want to be excepted for what I am period..!!..
I am really convinced now the only avenue left for me for happiness is with another one like me,Age and looks mean nothing to me as they all r lost to time at some point,I just want to be loved by some one to touch me and hold me and make me feel wanted and loved is that to much to ask of this world!!???.
I'm so dang lonely for human touch it hurts,my ex to be has not touched me in over 3 yrs now and since I won't cheat on her till this marrage is over which will be in just 4 wks I have a emty hole in me I could put the grand canyon in.
Why I ask all of u do we as a group almost always have this relationship problems,I mean is it always like this???or what ??? or is it just me ???
I just feel so lost now I always called her when i needed to hear an angles voice she was the sweetist voice i have ever heard,Well no use beating myself up over this,I think I'll go make some pancakes as they r one of my favorite foods and not fattening either,So with that I bid u all farewell for now,Lisa.

[Dianne]

Sometimes people just get kind of weird over IS, sometime just for their own reasons, and sometimes for no apparent reason at all, but you shouldn't take it personally. You need to recognize your intrinsic worth and not let things like that shake your sense of value.

I understand about the loneliness. It has been 15 years since I threw my husband out (unrelated to any IS issues) and I REALLY would like not NOT be alone sometimes but all the men I have gone out with in the past 2 years get kind of bent out of shape when I talk to them about my IS and my childhood. It is part of me, a part I am becoming more vocal about, and I shouldn't have to hide it but "normals" have a lot of trouble with inbetweens. I too wish there were more IS around so I could meet somebody who isn't hung up on sex/gender. I am beginning to think dating a FtM might be a good chance to find understanding.

In the mean time, I have my bedroom toys and my dog to cuddle up with :-?

[hegima]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences Lisa. Your experiences, knowledge and your ongoing strength to overcome adversity are an inspiration to me, especially us young people.
Hope all goes well. God Bless!

[Onnineko]

Lisa,

As you asked, is it always like this? Yes it is. Sorry.

It must be quite difficult to sit down with the options provided by Doctor's, and the many more options you've found on your own and try to chart a course that makes any sense at all. Good luck with your only path, that one at least seems to be fairly simple. :)

By the way, something that I have noticed, that most people who are Intersexed and find they can't tolerate Testosterone, have a clearly female thought pattern. So I don't think you would be doing anything wrong to encourage that aspect of your self. Not at all.

Good luck with finding people not hung up on sex/gender. Personally I don't think they exist. :) Well perhaps a few people here at BLO.

Onnineko

[apple]

Lisa,


Good luck with finding people not hung up on sex/gender. Personally I don't think they exist. :) Well perhaps a few people here at BLO.

Onnineko


When my own hang ups about these things, began to dissolve finally, then I immediately noticed that others around me didn't seem to have them anymore either.

It occurred to me that this was not a meaningless coincidence.