Kailana
07-31-08, 06:14 AM
This is a reply for Prin...cess from another thread about my military exp/enlistment.
Joined after highschool, Aug 1989-Aug 1993, 4 years of service A Co. 6th Bat.502nd Infantry, Berlin Brigade. Desert Storm/Shield/Kuwaiti Liberation Vet 1991. i took 57 1/2 days transitional leave at the end, due to my diagnosis/stress/depression, and a testicular cancer diagnosis, that I didn't actually have.
To make things simple, I am the middle child of a military officer, dad retired as a Major U.S. Army Reserves, he is also a Vietnam Vet. Basically when i went to the Spokane Mepps station, the Medical Doctor knew my father. It is actually odd to think though that he knew alot allready, just from my labwork physical, even the medical records i took then for that Physical evaluation.
Fact is he even brought up alot about being sterile, my blood work, even asked me if I ever thought about a Sex Change, and believe it or not I told him yes, Someday. But like most of my military carreer, all the military docs, really only cared if I was Gay, as in a Gay man, attracted to other men. As I am not,was not, it didn't seem to matter to him. He also asked why i was enlisting, and i said, that "really, I am joining the military to prove to myself I can", "it is just that simple". He also asked about my upbringing, family life, sports, and well, honestly, i think he understood enough about me, my explanation I guess about what I was, even though I didn't know what I was at the time, that it didn't really matter to him. I was physically active, fairly fit/athletic. Also active in alot of youth groups/activities. Meaning, that I didn't really fit those stereotypes for that most hear or get repeated about Transexuals.
I really think, it all came down to, being or at least acting fairly normal, also fairly smart as well. Had a high GT score, and I think regardless of whatever I was, what he saw, or came to understand, was acceptable enough to meet those Army standards. I also think i had an advantage, as alot of my medical history wasn't included in my medical records. I didn't find out about the missing adrenal gland untill 1991, after my tour in Saudi for Dessert Storm/Sheild. Even then, I just was called back to the US ARmy hospital in Berlin, and told there might be a problem, but again after talking with the doc, and asking if I was gonna get kicked out, nothing happened, It was like just having another physical review, that I apparently seemed to pass ok, like it was just a question and anser session, and the Doc, said my unit commander said I was a really good soldier, that had alot of potential for advancement. After that I moved into the training room as a company clerk from a line unit, spent my last two years as the assistant training room NCO, ie Radar O'reilly from Mash.
Truethfully I was a pretty good soldier as soldier's go, untill the back injury, after that, my military carreer was a bit different, Before the injury I had alot of respect from my superiors and othr people, but after the back injury, when my old NCO's Ocfficers rotated out, and new ones came in, then I sort of was treated like a broke dick. No pun intended. I still worked ridiculous hours though, so for even a broken soldier, I still had some respect, but some people, really hated me, ie the new First seargeant couldn't stand me, 1 of the platoon seargeant's too. I honestly think they had issues with my stubbornness, sorry to say I am hard headed, and stood up for myself, sometimes to the point that I was a wee bit disrespectfull at times, but I worked hard too. Often got away with it. But when I finally had my MRI, all the counselling sessions afterwards, the repeat visit's to the hospital, stress, not understanding what I was, waiting on those damn lab results, I had a really hard time wondering what I was, Lost a E-4, rank of specialist, downgraded to a E-3 PFC, because I was called to the hospital, and didn't go to the EIB training sight. WAs brought up on charges "Failure to report at my proper place of Duty" I didn't contest the charges as I didn't want anyone to know my medical issues at the time. I was still waiting on my Karyotype, but knew I had CAH when the Article 15 hearing took place. I think, most people though, would understand what or how getting a intersexed diagnosis, i mean when they first find out how they are different affects a person, That shame response kicked in hard, and I didn't want anyone to find out. Fact is, I still didn't know everything, Just that I had female anatomy inside, had CAH, and there was a question to whether or not I was XX or XY.
I basically spent my weeks working in the training room, but kept getting called back to the U.S. Army hospital to talk to doctors, psychiatrists, orthopeadic specialists, Chief of surgery <----that when he told me my lab results came back for the sperm count and urinalysis, MRi scan told me my testes needed to come out, testicular cancer. Chief of surgery offered to do it, but me, out of fear opted to leave the service, ended up with a refferal for treatment, for the VA, I left the military 57 1/2 days early, only to find out I didn't have Testicular cancer 4 months later. But at the same time, The VA hospital doctor's pretty much ignored all of my military records/diagnosis, and have treated me pretty badly.
From 0ct 93-2000 I was pretty much ignored, 2000+ they considered me delusional, overdosed several times, ended up with surgery in 2002, at a local hospital, and that actually pushed me even harder to reject how I am treated.
Now I am sure I have repeated all of this somewhere before, but is oks, i have nothing better to do right now anyways.
Basically, I was fine serving in the military, as a young man, sort of?, you know what I mean? The doct's really only cared or seemed to care that I wasnt a gay man. As long as I wasn't attracted to men, I was ok I guess.
Oh and yes, Don't ask Don't tell was alive and kicking during my service, Still got asked, still told, haha, i dont mean to offend anyone, but in all those talks with docs I told them "I was a lesbian trapped in the body of a man" "the only reason why I am ok with lookiing like a guy, is that people think it is appropriate for a guy to be with woman, which works for me". At least it did before I was diagnosed as intersexed true-hermaphrodite, 46 XY/45XO Turner's Mosaic, with CAH, Gender = MALE/FEMALE. <----that was my diagnosis. That is what they had on paper in medical records as my diagnosis. My MRI report just explained what was inside.
What has constantly bothered me the most about returning to the states, is that I had all of those reports, plus the MRI film of my testes, the refferal for treatment for testicular cancer, all from the Chief of surgery US Army hospital Berlin Germany, only to have the VA ignore what the reports said. Think the only thing I didn't have was the psyche evaluation. I had waved a 90 day Medical hold for Dissability determination for back and legs, basically Waved my medical discharge, was given an honorable discharge, and came home only to be ignored for years. The doctor's here, ignored the records I had been given, ignored me when I tried to get more records from local hospitals, ignored everything, I had been shown, told about what I am. And I really think that is what I hate the most. To finally be given a reason/explanation for why my anatomy developed the way it did, but then to get no additional information from local doctors or parents just made it harder I think with knowing I am intersexed. I felt even more ashamed, more left out, just felt no-one would accept me at all.
I went from 22 years of age to 30, before I got any answers from family, some from parents, some aunts,uncles, Grandparents. Then a few months later my parenets denied everything they showed me, told me about how I was born, and that is what finally led to my series of overdoses, and Surgery again in 2002, July 14.
Since then, I pretty much gave up any idea of me being male. Sort of like I finally came to the conclusion that my gender, wasn't up to the docs, just me. Thats really when I started really looking for intersexed support groups online, Think I found CAHourstories first, ISNA and finally BodiesLikeOurs in Dec 2002.
I have been present here ever since, as I happen to really like BLO, I do wish though that some of the members understood me a bit better. Cause regardless of the fact that I am transsitioning, I am still and always have been intersexed. This comment isn't meant as a knock. Just that sometimes I really hate some of the comments made about wannebee IS'ers. I never really know if some people are reffering to me or not. For those of you who understand and accept, I appreciate it, for those of you who aren't quite sure, then I hope you just keep an open mind. Cause honestly, my experiences with the medical community, are just my experiences. Some have just as a hard of a time as me, others don't. Some families are there and are supportive, some like mine aren't, i do have relatives that arent as uptight as my parents so at least I get some support, understanding from those that do know, how I was born, what has been done. Sometimes it seems my parents are there, but usually not. For me at least, i feel like my parents just don't really understand me, as they really just see me as there son. They don't understand/comprehend just how devastating their decision's have affected me.
Sorry bout the long spiel, just another long repeat of my military experience. Some breif thoughts on feeling shame, not being/feeling like a normal person, not understanding what I am/was when diagnosed. To make things simple I could of just said, that once I was diagnosed, it took me many years to find my balance, to find my core, to find myself, when I just didn't really know, what I am. The final surgery in 2002, just made me hate doctors, proved to me, that they couldn't accept what I was, and that really is why I hate the idea of being called male, called trans, called Mr. and Sir. I really just hate thinking, feeling, that I was made male, stripped of the chance to be female, because someone else thought, It was best for me. Now me being as stubborn as i am, I just rejected the maleness even more.
Oh, this is a question I thought of the other day, in another post, somoene had mentioned that they had never thought about transitioning, as they saw themselves as a woman, even though they had a Y chromosone. I really hope this question gets alot of responses. It is relevant and reflects how I felt at 18 years of age, when I had surgery over my tailbone to remove a pilonidal cyst, and ended up having a chest reduction at the same time. The question I hope doesnt offend anyone, i do think it is relavent?
If you were in a accident, lets say a car accident, and as a result you had surgery to lets say fix a shattered leg? And a Doctor decided to remove your breasts, becuase your blood showed you had a Y chromosone, and he decided you are a guy, and you shouldnt have breasts, what would you do? what would you identify as, how much depression would you feel, knowing you were a girl/woman, but still treated as a man, because you had a Y chromosome?
I am curious about the answers, also depending on the intersexed condition and how each of us was assigned, male or female. also relevant, as for me at least, having that damn Y chromosome, andd being intersexed but assigned male, surgeries kept being repeated to reinforce the male assignment, even though I didn't want anything removed and they new it.
Joined after highschool, Aug 1989-Aug 1993, 4 years of service A Co. 6th Bat.502nd Infantry, Berlin Brigade. Desert Storm/Shield/Kuwaiti Liberation Vet 1991. i took 57 1/2 days transitional leave at the end, due to my diagnosis/stress/depression, and a testicular cancer diagnosis, that I didn't actually have.
To make things simple, I am the middle child of a military officer, dad retired as a Major U.S. Army Reserves, he is also a Vietnam Vet. Basically when i went to the Spokane Mepps station, the Medical Doctor knew my father. It is actually odd to think though that he knew alot allready, just from my labwork physical, even the medical records i took then for that Physical evaluation.
Fact is he even brought up alot about being sterile, my blood work, even asked me if I ever thought about a Sex Change, and believe it or not I told him yes, Someday. But like most of my military carreer, all the military docs, really only cared if I was Gay, as in a Gay man, attracted to other men. As I am not,was not, it didn't seem to matter to him. He also asked why i was enlisting, and i said, that "really, I am joining the military to prove to myself I can", "it is just that simple". He also asked about my upbringing, family life, sports, and well, honestly, i think he understood enough about me, my explanation I guess about what I was, even though I didn't know what I was at the time, that it didn't really matter to him. I was physically active, fairly fit/athletic. Also active in alot of youth groups/activities. Meaning, that I didn't really fit those stereotypes for that most hear or get repeated about Transexuals.
I really think, it all came down to, being or at least acting fairly normal, also fairly smart as well. Had a high GT score, and I think regardless of whatever I was, what he saw, or came to understand, was acceptable enough to meet those Army standards. I also think i had an advantage, as alot of my medical history wasn't included in my medical records. I didn't find out about the missing adrenal gland untill 1991, after my tour in Saudi for Dessert Storm/Sheild. Even then, I just was called back to the US ARmy hospital in Berlin, and told there might be a problem, but again after talking with the doc, and asking if I was gonna get kicked out, nothing happened, It was like just having another physical review, that I apparently seemed to pass ok, like it was just a question and anser session, and the Doc, said my unit commander said I was a really good soldier, that had alot of potential for advancement. After that I moved into the training room as a company clerk from a line unit, spent my last two years as the assistant training room NCO, ie Radar O'reilly from Mash.
Truethfully I was a pretty good soldier as soldier's go, untill the back injury, after that, my military carreer was a bit different, Before the injury I had alot of respect from my superiors and othr people, but after the back injury, when my old NCO's Ocfficers rotated out, and new ones came in, then I sort of was treated like a broke dick. No pun intended. I still worked ridiculous hours though, so for even a broken soldier, I still had some respect, but some people, really hated me, ie the new First seargeant couldn't stand me, 1 of the platoon seargeant's too. I honestly think they had issues with my stubbornness, sorry to say I am hard headed, and stood up for myself, sometimes to the point that I was a wee bit disrespectfull at times, but I worked hard too. Often got away with it. But when I finally had my MRI, all the counselling sessions afterwards, the repeat visit's to the hospital, stress, not understanding what I was, waiting on those damn lab results, I had a really hard time wondering what I was, Lost a E-4, rank of specialist, downgraded to a E-3 PFC, because I was called to the hospital, and didn't go to the EIB training sight. WAs brought up on charges "Failure to report at my proper place of Duty" I didn't contest the charges as I didn't want anyone to know my medical issues at the time. I was still waiting on my Karyotype, but knew I had CAH when the Article 15 hearing took place. I think, most people though, would understand what or how getting a intersexed diagnosis, i mean when they first find out how they are different affects a person, That shame response kicked in hard, and I didn't want anyone to find out. Fact is, I still didn't know everything, Just that I had female anatomy inside, had CAH, and there was a question to whether or not I was XX or XY.
I basically spent my weeks working in the training room, but kept getting called back to the U.S. Army hospital to talk to doctors, psychiatrists, orthopeadic specialists, Chief of surgery <----that when he told me my lab results came back for the sperm count and urinalysis, MRi scan told me my testes needed to come out, testicular cancer. Chief of surgery offered to do it, but me, out of fear opted to leave the service, ended up with a refferal for treatment, for the VA, I left the military 57 1/2 days early, only to find out I didn't have Testicular cancer 4 months later. But at the same time, The VA hospital doctor's pretty much ignored all of my military records/diagnosis, and have treated me pretty badly.
From 0ct 93-2000 I was pretty much ignored, 2000+ they considered me delusional, overdosed several times, ended up with surgery in 2002, at a local hospital, and that actually pushed me even harder to reject how I am treated.
Now I am sure I have repeated all of this somewhere before, but is oks, i have nothing better to do right now anyways.
Basically, I was fine serving in the military, as a young man, sort of?, you know what I mean? The doct's really only cared or seemed to care that I wasnt a gay man. As long as I wasn't attracted to men, I was ok I guess.
Oh and yes, Don't ask Don't tell was alive and kicking during my service, Still got asked, still told, haha, i dont mean to offend anyone, but in all those talks with docs I told them "I was a lesbian trapped in the body of a man" "the only reason why I am ok with lookiing like a guy, is that people think it is appropriate for a guy to be with woman, which works for me". At least it did before I was diagnosed as intersexed true-hermaphrodite, 46 XY/45XO Turner's Mosaic, with CAH, Gender = MALE/FEMALE. <----that was my diagnosis. That is what they had on paper in medical records as my diagnosis. My MRI report just explained what was inside.
What has constantly bothered me the most about returning to the states, is that I had all of those reports, plus the MRI film of my testes, the refferal for treatment for testicular cancer, all from the Chief of surgery US Army hospital Berlin Germany, only to have the VA ignore what the reports said. Think the only thing I didn't have was the psyche evaluation. I had waved a 90 day Medical hold for Dissability determination for back and legs, basically Waved my medical discharge, was given an honorable discharge, and came home only to be ignored for years. The doctor's here, ignored the records I had been given, ignored me when I tried to get more records from local hospitals, ignored everything, I had been shown, told about what I am. And I really think that is what I hate the most. To finally be given a reason/explanation for why my anatomy developed the way it did, but then to get no additional information from local doctors or parents just made it harder I think with knowing I am intersexed. I felt even more ashamed, more left out, just felt no-one would accept me at all.
I went from 22 years of age to 30, before I got any answers from family, some from parents, some aunts,uncles, Grandparents. Then a few months later my parenets denied everything they showed me, told me about how I was born, and that is what finally led to my series of overdoses, and Surgery again in 2002, July 14.
Since then, I pretty much gave up any idea of me being male. Sort of like I finally came to the conclusion that my gender, wasn't up to the docs, just me. Thats really when I started really looking for intersexed support groups online, Think I found CAHourstories first, ISNA and finally BodiesLikeOurs in Dec 2002.
I have been present here ever since, as I happen to really like BLO, I do wish though that some of the members understood me a bit better. Cause regardless of the fact that I am transsitioning, I am still and always have been intersexed. This comment isn't meant as a knock. Just that sometimes I really hate some of the comments made about wannebee IS'ers. I never really know if some people are reffering to me or not. For those of you who understand and accept, I appreciate it, for those of you who aren't quite sure, then I hope you just keep an open mind. Cause honestly, my experiences with the medical community, are just my experiences. Some have just as a hard of a time as me, others don't. Some families are there and are supportive, some like mine aren't, i do have relatives that arent as uptight as my parents so at least I get some support, understanding from those that do know, how I was born, what has been done. Sometimes it seems my parents are there, but usually not. For me at least, i feel like my parents just don't really understand me, as they really just see me as there son. They don't understand/comprehend just how devastating their decision's have affected me.
Sorry bout the long spiel, just another long repeat of my military experience. Some breif thoughts on feeling shame, not being/feeling like a normal person, not understanding what I am/was when diagnosed. To make things simple I could of just said, that once I was diagnosed, it took me many years to find my balance, to find my core, to find myself, when I just didn't really know, what I am. The final surgery in 2002, just made me hate doctors, proved to me, that they couldn't accept what I was, and that really is why I hate the idea of being called male, called trans, called Mr. and Sir. I really just hate thinking, feeling, that I was made male, stripped of the chance to be female, because someone else thought, It was best for me. Now me being as stubborn as i am, I just rejected the maleness even more.
Oh, this is a question I thought of the other day, in another post, somoene had mentioned that they had never thought about transitioning, as they saw themselves as a woman, even though they had a Y chromosone. I really hope this question gets alot of responses. It is relevant and reflects how I felt at 18 years of age, when I had surgery over my tailbone to remove a pilonidal cyst, and ended up having a chest reduction at the same time. The question I hope doesnt offend anyone, i do think it is relavent?
If you were in a accident, lets say a car accident, and as a result you had surgery to lets say fix a shattered leg? And a Doctor decided to remove your breasts, becuase your blood showed you had a Y chromosone, and he decided you are a guy, and you shouldnt have breasts, what would you do? what would you identify as, how much depression would you feel, knowing you were a girl/woman, but still treated as a man, because you had a Y chromosome?
I am curious about the answers, also depending on the intersexed condition and how each of us was assigned, male or female. also relevant, as for me at least, having that damn Y chromosome, andd being intersexed but assigned male, surgeries kept being repeated to reinforce the male assignment, even though I didn't want anything removed and they new it.