I was wondering

[jevix8525]

For a good part of my life my parents did foster care. When I was 18 I moved out to be a live in Nanny for a family that adopted special needs children. When I was living with them a request came in for a family to adopt a intersex child. I was 19 at the time so obviously not about to, but the possibility of helping and taking care of someone who maybe might otherwise not have a family stayed with me. But I was wondering if intersex people prefer only intersex people to adopt a intersex child. The family I was living with adopted a black baby and got a lot of flak because they are white. Just wanted to get opinions. I hope this is the right place to post this.

[des10ed2b]

i think it really depends on who you are and where you are. would the CHILD care? i doubt it. many, i would even say most adopted children are grateful just to have someone who loves them and really wanted them. but there will always be close minded people out there who think that you shouldnt adopt between races, gay people shouldnt adopt, single people shouldnt adopt, etc. no matter what you do, SOMEONE out there is going to object to it.

[Kailana]

I hope they understand just what it can mean, to have an intersexed child. Or what that child will endure when they are older, and find out. There are alot of issues that even our normal biological parents can't cope with. But if a family is understanding, and accepting, and aren't bigoted, homophobic, if they are understanding and know that the intersexed child in question may never fit what is expected as a normal kid then I think that family can be very happy and a good safe place for an intersexed child.

I know we have had a few parents ask questions as they just found out there adopted child is intersexed, most don't really stay long though. But I do look forward to meeting more, same with parents too. With a child who is intersexed, I welcome all of them, but have a real hard time when they mention what the doctors want to do with their kids.. SOmetimes i think my comments can be a little mean then. But really I just want to the parents to understand that the body in question is not theirs it is their childs, and any choice made, should ensure that the child has the ability to make his or her own decision later, when they find out who they are. You know, only do so much surgery if it is absolutely needed to ensure health, but leave all drastic cosmetic surgery left to the child when they are older, I would suggest early teens. By then they should have a pretty strong opinion of who and what they are allready.

Just my thoughts, overall I would say yes, but perhaps the foster care, or adoption agencies should look for very open minded parents, who are ok with homosexuality or transexuals , you know what I mean, if they are homophobic, ubber religous, conservative, then I would think that placing a intersexed child into that kind of family setting would have a real hard time ever feeling accepted.

[jevix8525]

Thank you for your reply. I think that I am very open minded. The main thing I have read over the years is that intersex people want the child's privates to be left left alone until a point in time where the child decides what they want. The family I nannied for was very religious so I am glad they did not adopt. I hope the child was placed in a caring and informed family.

[fraulein_Maria]

[QUOTE=jevix8525;15447]Thank you for your reply. I think that I am very open minded. The main thing I have read over the years is that intersex people want the child's privates to be left left alone until a point in time where the child decides what they want. The family I nannied for was very religious so I am glad they did not adopt. I hope the child was placed in a caring and informed family.

>>> i was very poor and single when i became pregnant.....the chances of my daughter having CAH like me (or simply being virililzed by me) were good.

I placed my daughter up for adoption to a friend of mine. I told her everything. My daughter was born virilized. The doctors prescribed cream to "burn off" the extra tissue. my daughter's adoptive mother wouldn't use it, didn't use it.

Why?

Because we both believe that we are children of Godde created thusly on purpose, for a purpose.

Being devout, i did not hold her devotion against her (sought it out in fact).

What i sought was 2 people head-over-heels in love with each other, parenting experience, special needs parenting experience... and a promise to love and adore my child, as Godde made her.

She is 14 now. She is as she was born. When she comes to see me in 4 years, i will ask her if she's happy.

[Kailana]

thank you for sharing your personal history Frauline_Maria, I think that is the first time i have read you sharing that part of your family history.

[fraulein_Maria]

[QUOTE=Kailana;15452]thank you for sharing your personal history Frauline_Maria, I think that is the first time i have read you sharing that part of your family history.

>>> its in a bunch of places if you hit the button "read all posts" after you hit my profile. If you want still more detail, call me. i hope you still have my number. <<<

[JOS]

there is so much to you and your life... and you're still sane LOL :-P

I assume when you say
When she comes to see me in 4 years, i will ask her if she's happy.
that means your friend didn't tell your daughter that you were her birth mom... does she know you in her life though... or that she is adopted?

sorry to be so personal... tell me to bog off if I've crossed a line

It's an interesting point raised about should intersex children only be raised by intersex parents though... I have to say that I've always felt that the primarily important thing is for a child to feel loved in a safe supportive environment.... if that's there most other "provisions" (like ethnic education or medical knowledge equivalent) will naturally be attempted to be covered.

That said... maybe it is hard to provide info/support on something you could never truely understand... eg I was not raised in a religious environment so I would find it hard (maybe even impossible) to provide a specific religious education.

as an add on though... it has crossed my mind if my parents felt something akin to that of an adoptive parent concerning the whole 'not letting on about the testicles' thing. It seems that the same stratedgy of don't tell and all will be fine was previously used for both???

[fraulein_Maria]

[QUOTE=JOS;15606]there is so much to you and your life... and you're still sane LOL :-P

>>> who says i'm sane? lol <<<

I assume when you say

that means your friend didn't tell your daughter that you were her birth mom... does she know you in her life though... or that she is adopted?

>>> I spent holidays with Richard and Terry for a few years when she was small. They were my FRIENDS. They did not want to disown me just because they helped me out.

wanna smilie? when she began to talk and ask Q. the conversation of where babies come from came up....

she would point to pregnant women and women with babies, and terry would explain that there was a baby inside the mommy, that comes out when the baby is big enough. on a lark, terry asks Rachel...

"do you know where you came from?"

our little bionic LUNG got quiet and said..."from inside Maria".

Godde told our little imp, because no one else did. Except for my eyes, she looks more like them, than me.

They never lied to her. We by agreement just never brought it up.

Terry is a retired LPN whose last natural daughter is mildly retarded... a daughter much adored. A daughter who graduated high school and works in a nursing home as a nurse's aid, because her mom refused to treat her different except to give her the extra support she needed to thrive.

The last time i saw her was a few years before i left Long Island... i had broken my ankle and was in a wheel chair for a couple of years, so though i longed to, i was in no shape to visit. There's a sad story about my move to NH, i'd like to share PM... if you'd be gracious enough to listen.

back to happy things :)

i have a few more photo's of she, she and i, she and they.....

Everyone who meets her is over-come by the urge to spoil her.....
I've cried so many tears of joy for her miraculous ability to draw love to herself. Because she is most like me in temperment and talents, i have the pleasure of seeing through her what my life might have been like, had i been loved......

Its an enviable one. How many of us can say that we've given our child an enviable life? Though not wealthy, they have given her everything that matters and she's thriving.
I was offered thousands to give her to wealthy couples who promised her wealth. I knew that if money was what my daughter wanted in life, she'd earn her own... and that R&T would give her the life-tools to get it.
Me? There offers offended me. She is not chattel to be bought or sold! She is priceless! There isn't enough gold in california or fort knoxx to pay for her! some then offered MORE thinking i was just dickering.... i slammed the phone down on there ears. had a single one of them said...

"We can promise she won't be spoiled. Money is a tool for us, not god."

I might have considered. But R&T would bring her up in love and a joyous faith.....After admonishing T to keep her blood sugar down, there was no Q, in my heart and mind that though they might make mistakes..... they would do right by her. <<<

sorry to be so personal... tell me to bog off if I've crossed a line

>>> no hon. :) love's meant to be shared... or it isn't real. <<<

It's an interesting point raised about should intersex children only be raised by intersex parents though... I have to say that I've always felt that the primarily important thing is for a child to feel loved in a safe supportive environment.... if that's there most other "provisions" (like ethnic education or medical knowledge equivalent) will naturally be attempted to be covered.

>>> amen to that. what her parent's don't know, they have the heart to learn. <<<

That said... maybe it is hard to provide info/support on something you could never truely understand... eg I was not raised in a religious environment so I would find it hard (maybe even impossible) to provide a specific religious education.

>>> although my parents were devout (not holy, just devout ;) they believed in leading mainly by example (occassionally good) and providing books.... our home was a veritable library. Some of those books were college texts on biology not just religion. They did not "teach" me about religion and sex, they trusted i'd read about it when i was curious. My daughter is getting more active teaching... but she is mainly absorbing the most important lesson by osmosis......

She is a beloved child of Godde. Nothing she is, says, or does, will EVER change that one salient fact.

Those who know bone-deep that they are loved have a profoundly different (successful and peaceful) approach to life.

i want to live long enough to see her again. i get scared i won't. <<<

as an add on though... it has crossed my mind if my parents felt something akin to that of an adoptive parent concerning the whole 'not letting on about the testicles' thing. It seems that the same stratedgy of don't tell and all will be fine was previously used for both???

>>> i think there's a world of difference between not telling till one is old enough to ask, and deliberately hiding the truth. The former respects a child's stages of intellectual development and maturity, the latter assumes that knowlege is ALWAYS dangerous. She knows she is different. She knows she is loved.

She is being given the tools to learn the nature of her difference... and that her difference has about as much relevance to whether or not she is lovable as a permanently in-grown toe-nail.... it hurts a little or alot, there is treatment for her comfort but it won't go away, it need not cripple her, and no one need know.... or she can show everyone... the choice is hers, because its HER toe. <<<

[JOS]

It sounds like you made an absolutly brilliant choice of parents... and how amazing that your daughter figured things out so well in her own mind :)

I always love to recieve PM's from you Maria, this one sounds like I'm gonna need a box of tissues near me while I'm reading it so I'll get prepared :cry:
Even though I'm not very aware of ubiquitous beings, there are times when I'm pleased they support and are there for others

Appologies that this is just a quick message.... my neice and nephews are coming to stay for the weekend... I'M SO EXCITED... but I still have a few jobs to do before they get here, that way I can spend all my time playing LOL

:grouphug0 :grouphug0 :grouphug0

[fraulein_Maria]

[QUOTE=JOS;15626]It sounds like you made an absolutly brilliant choice of parents...

>>> thank you soo much. Some of it was luck. They had just been put throuh the ringer trying to adopt by another birth mother... jaunita was snatched back at the last minute (the law gives a birth mother 2 years to change her mind... personally, i think that's punative to potential adoptive parents.) and though i was in trouble, i did not want to put them through the anxiety of wondering if i would do the same thing. So when T gave me her list of parent prospects (i also looked myself) and then asked for my girl, i hesitated.
"have you asked Richard about this?"

"noooo"

"well, don't you think you should? I'm not saying no. I'm saying he's had it very rough and he may not want to go through this again."

straight people! Godde love'm, they make more of folks like me, but sometimes they can be soo clueless. ROFLMAO <<<

and how amazing that your daughter figured things out so well in her own mind :)

>>> she was only 3. barely talking. Godde told her. <<<

I always love to recieve PM's from you Maria, this one sounds like I'm gonna need a box of tissues near me while I'm reading it so I'll get prepared :cry:

>>> thank you. but don't open it till the kids are gone... unless you think it may help you appreciate them more. <<<

Appologies that this is just a quick message.... my neice and nephews are coming to stay for the weekend... I'M SO EXCITED...

>>> i'm soo jealous. I miss mine. <<<