phrases to tell... or not to tell

[JOS]

As the regulars here will know, I recently went to an AIS-SG meeting.
One of the topics we talked about was the language you might use when you decide to disclose details of your diagnosis to friends, colleagues and loved ones... especially loved-ones-to-be!

I also raised the question of how to circumvent disclosure of your diagnosis to people you didn't really want to...

for example- I once got into a discussion with a (now ex) co-worker about our mutual infertility (hers unrelated to IS). At that time I didn't know her very well and was not keen to disclose the full details of why I could not have children.
But I didn't want to be rude or close the topic for all time because I liked her and she was being very open about her situation. It seemed that no matter what I said, I simply intrigued her further and prompted more questions.
In the end I just told her the full details and got quite upset... so less than ideal really... especially since we were on our lunch break and I then had to go back to work in the afternoon and attempt to concentrate!!

This isn't the only time this sort of thing happens to me... I dread new people starting work because I know that they will undoubtedly ask me if I have children.
I will say that unfortunately it hasn't been possible for me (or something similar).... then either at that point or over the next few weeks they will keep bringing the subject up... asking why I can't have children and have I thought about adoption - because their friend blah blah.... you get the idea!

I'm not ashamed of AIS and it is only human nature to ask these kind of questions but invariably it is quite awkward when at work or when out socialising. Even if I manage to avoid getting visibly upset, giving them my life story or simply causing an atmosphere - I end up FEELING really miserable and dwelling on the whole incident.

I would really love to gather a collection of phrases I could learn to help in those times of panic when I'm not really thinking straight because I'm upset by the scenario

1) phrases to disclose in a way people will feel able to ask more
2) phrases to firmly, but politely, tell people to mind their own beeswax... at least for the moment
3) coping strategies to maintain composure or regain focus
4) ways to distract yourself so that you can continue to function for the remainder of the day... (hence why I have learnt a few jokes to cheer myself up with LOL)

I know this is a big ask and a long post but I really would welcome phrase/ideas from everyone.
I'll probably add a few of the ones I've used myself for people to comment on too.... who knows someone else might be able to see where I've been going wrong :0)

Thanks

[prince....ss?]

I don't know what exactly you are looking for or what would bring up such issues of discussion.

If the subject is brought up by the no children deal. If I'm open for further discussion I just tell them I can't have children then that leads to further questions. If I want to end the query I tell them I don't want children.
If I want to tell them something with out telling them everything. I explain that I was born without ovaries ( this is not a lie) then you can talk about HRT and some health issues. Then if you wish you can tell everything.

I never do anything straight so everything is a joke. For no kids

I don't want kids of my own I would rather borrow some teach them bad habits then send them home.

My husband is so ugly I would never wish that on any kid.

Dogs are better then kids...my dogs listen.

I need to scoot I will add some more later.

[Dianne]

Well "what" to tell is complicated for me because I simply do NOT know all the details of my "former condition" - transsexual with physiological oddities?

Anyway, I have had to deal with these issues from time to time over the last 40 years. Here are some of my responses:

1) phrases to disclose in a way people will feel able to ask more
about infertility:
- the time was never right
- I wasn't so blessed
- it wasn't possible
about my "condition":
- medical problems from birth

2) phrases to firmly, but politely, tell people to mind their own beeswax... at least for the moment
about infertility:
- a sad look and then turn away
about my condition:
- care to tell me your medical history?
- an icy stare!

3) coping strategies to maintain composure or regain focus
- laughter

4) ways to distract yourself so that you can continue to function for the remainder of the day
- go somewhere private and have a good cry
- brush it off as if it never happened (depending on my mood)

[Kailana]

as its what i have used many times, regarding being sterile, and not adopting.

1) I was first diagnosed as sterile, at 15 1/2 years of age, and repeated tests at 18,20, and 22 said the exact same thing. <-----thats all you need to explain not having bio kids.

2) as for adopting, I usually say there are many more issues involved with adopting, and honestly I just don't feel that I am ready to do so yet. I've also mentioned that i am great with kids, but I really don't think i am stable enough to adopt, as it is actually very hard sometimes just after babysitting nieces and nephews, I often crash hard afterwards when I am alone, and really think about not having my own kids.

Not sure if I can say much else as I really just never felt I deserved to have kids, then again for most of my 20's I didn't even think anyone would ever want to even be around me, find me attractive, which at times those same issues still pop up, even though I much more comfortable with myself, I still have many doubts and raising children is one that i do know, i am not ready for.

[fraulein_Maria]

[QUOTE=JOS;16417]As the regulars here will know, I recently went to an AIS-SG meeting.
One of the topics we talked about was the language you might use when you decide to disclose details of your diagnosis to friends, colleagues and loved ones... especially loved-ones-to-be!

>>> i have had exactly the same problem with regards to disclosing my orientation...

and still have it.

There's hope for you (and the rest here) because for all of you, its just a matter of learning what to say.....

I'm hopelessly, verbally awkward. :cry: and transparent.

So i found a community of people who are kind hearted souls. Like-wise a church. The DD/MR don't care, and my bosses are just as homo. :)

My family have always been jerks about everything about me, so telling them made nothing better or worse.

I laid down all my defenses long ago.... they were useless anyway; the armour never fit, and no effort of mine could ever make it so.

So i have never been closeted.... not because i never wanted to hide (i don't deserve accolades for bravery) but because the only one i ever fooled was myself.

[EMW]

Jos,

This is what I have always done and it's worked for me so far. Depending on how well I know a person will influence how much I tell them. I always tell them the truth no matter who it is, but I only tell as much as I'm comfortable with.

It is true that we are sterile, so if I don't know someone well and I do not feel comfortable I simply tell them that literally -- "I'm sorry but I do not like talking about it." That's all you have to say. If you feel more comfortable with a person but not so comfortable that you want to tell them about AIS, you could say, "I was born without a uterus because of a genetic condition and so I can not give birth myself." If they ask more, use the same line from before, "I'm sorry but I do not like talking about it." Or you could say, "I'm sorry I don't feel comfortable talking about it at the moment."

Regardless, tell them the truth up to the point you are comfortable with and when you want to stop, do so by being honest and telling them that you are not comfortable going any further.

When and if you feel comfortable with that person, then tell them more and simply expand upon the truth with more detail again to the point you are comfortable with.

I hope that I wrote that so it makes sense to you and others. If not, PM me.

Emily

[prince....ss?]

Having children would put a cramp on my sexlife. I would need to turn the S&M room into a kids room then I wouldn't know where to hang the sex sling. That room is the only room in the house that can support that much weight hanging from the ceiling. Now lets not even talk about batteries...I can barely afford the batteries for my toys. Humm...I guess the whip could help keeping the little brats in line....

These are the kinds of things I tell strangers that I will never see again. People that you get stuck with on airplanes or long lines. Sometimes its fun to play the freak.

[JOS]

I might not try the S&M one for work though could cause all sorts of strange rumours ;o}

But for instance, I once said to someone " i'm unable to have children but i don't really want to talk about it at work because it upsets me"

seemed to do the job ok?

but.... then I found out the person had 'kindly' mentioned to a number of other people that they mustn't talk about their children around me because i found it too much to cope with!!

I've even found myself avoiding someone who once asked me why i can't have children and i'd answered that we could talk about it over some beers sometime... basically so they could never suggest going out!!... sad but true!

Of course the worst one always used to be picking up my prescription from either the doctors surgery or the pharmacy. Invariably the woman (and strangely it was only EVER the women!) behind the counter would ask if I was sure that was the right prescription....

"YOU DO KNOW THAT'S HRT DON'T YOU"

completely regardless of who else was listening.... one receptonist even REFUSED to give me the prescription because she was sure the doctor had made a mistake and wouldn't believe me because i didn't want to explain AGAIN!

anyway... i'm sure we've all had to face people like this and really I'm just having a bit of a rant now - i must look 'old enough' now cos it doesn't happen so often these days LOL
.... it's just REALLY.. what do you say to these insensitive people? WITHOUT sounding like you've got major anger management issues or blubbing all over them?

[fraulein_Maria]

[QUOTE=JOS;16455]

Of course the worst one always used to be picking up my prescription from either the doctors surgery or the pharmacy. Invariably the woman (and strangely it was only EVER the women!) behind the counter would ask if I was sure that was the right prescription....

"YOU DO KNOW THAT'S HRT DON'T YOU"

completely regardless of who else was listening.... one receptonist even REFUSED to give me the prescription because she was sure the doctor had made a mistake and wouldn't believe me because i didn't want to explain AGAIN!

>>> this i can help with. truely rude people do not deserve an honest answer, so i give them an absurd one.....

" If i don't take this in a timely fashion, i will go on a shooting spree... and i'll start with YOU! "

oh wait, that's too close to the truth ;)

shit, somebody might actually believe that.

but with a sweet face like yours, would they believe it of you? <<<

WITHOUT sounding like you've got major anger management issues or blubbing all over them?

>>> practice saying the above while beaming an angelic smile... it might even help to giggle ;) <<<

[JOS]

I recently received another suggestion on how to deal with some of those unwanted questions... which I thought was a brilliant one


I learned that one of the best ways to get someone off the offense is to simply ask; "that is an interesting question, why do you ask"? It puts them back in the hot seat and makes them be the respondent, not the inquisitor. Then when they respond, you simply say "that is interesting I will really think about that". It makes them feel inferior to you because they are now answering you and it makes them feel important because you listened to them (even if you really feel like they are full of beans)



Ask them why they want to know...?

turn the questions back on them and puts the pressure you're feeling on them instead.

I hadn't really considered before that the questioner may just be using questions as a method to tell you something about themselves

and the simplicity....GENIUS! :applaudth

Definitely gonna try that one, weird but I'm almost excited about the next time it happens so I can see if this method works... so that's a new experience in itself LOL

I'll let you know how I get on with this and some of your other suggestions.

Thanks everyone :happydanc