Hi all

[Soulforged]

Hi.

So.. I'm a self-identified transsexual (MtF). I've been on HRT for awhile now, it's been a slow process. But that's not the reason I'm here.. though it is related, I think.

I recently got a prescription from my doctor for a suppository with hydrocortisone in it for a.. erm.. problem in my bum. So anyways.. I took this suppository yesterday and I wasn't expecting much. It's cortisol after all, I've never been on it, but I've read about it because I've used for my dog to treat allergies. Prednisone as well.

So hours later, I just feel weird, strange sensations in some extremities (toes) and I just started crying. There was discomfort in my hips and I felt a lot of things going on in my abdomen area. My hands were shaking. I know hip discomfort should be present in a mtf transsexual, but I've never felt anything like this before.

Today, it's hard to walk.. or atleast stand for extended periods, I feel mellow, and if I didn't feel like sleeping all the time, I would say I feel really good. I feel like I could cry a lot. I just start to shake, sometimes.

I've had past history with anxiety, depression. My diet has always been high sodium foods.. I might have cereal and nuts now and then.. but lunch and dinner had to be sodium foods like all the time.

I've been thinking about this because I knew of CAH(and NCAH), but I never thought much of it. I never thought it might apply to me. So when I took this suppository, I remembered the link between CAH and Cortisol, and came here to do some reading. I thought I'd make a post because I think I should tell my doctor about this asap, so I'm making an appointment on Monday.

I also noticed when I started HRT, any injury to my skin would take forever to heal. It was never like that before. I thought this was weird, and maybe it's related to why I'm here.

Anyways.. that's pretty much my story.

I never thought a suppository would do so much. Ahh.. it's relief beyond words.

So yeah. Hi. I'll be sticking around for awhile.. the way I feel today it seems like there may be some hope left in my life.

And thanks. I've been reading through some posts and I could relate to a lot of stuff. Thanks for sharing.

[Soulforged]

I didn't think I'd be welcomed here or anything. I can't even be accepted in transsexual forums.

I don't know why it's like this.

I've been in hell my whole life never knowing what's wrong. I've been in and out of the mental ward because I was losing my mind. I've survived multiple suicide attempts, I could never just end the pain.

I lose all my friends just because I began to transition. I just don't know why people don't like me. It's everywhere, no one likes me.

My post is one of the most honest things I've ever written. The deepest misery and agony is leaving me. It's like venom is being drained from veins, it's like a desert is turning into lush fields.

It feels like there's a stone under my rib. It feels like there's a thorn in my side, literally.. and it's just.. ahh.. something is actually making me feel like I am alive, something is actually doing something.

25 years of my life.. 10 of them in utter agony and misery.. driven to the depths of insanity..

And no one takes me seriously. No one imagines the person behind the screen in pain. Anywhere. Not here, not there, not in my family, none of my friends.. it's just "Sure, keep dreaming.". God as my witness, I will prove myself to the world.

Thanks for the warm welcome.

-Dragon She

[The Female Eunuch]

Soulforged,

I was hoping you'd get a response from one of the people who know about congenital adrenal hyperplasia.

I don't have any answers for you, but I do have a question for you. You said it was normal for MtF transsexuals to have painful hips. Now, I'm not a regular transsexual in that I was born intersexed, but I have changed from living as male to living as female, so I would be considered transsexual in the colloquial sense. I have never heard of this hip pain, nor experienced it. I get pain in a number of places, I suspect mostly due to scar tissue from childhood surgeries, but never hip pain. Why would it be normal for a male-to-female transsexual?

I hope someone else replies to you to say whether what you experienced could be connected to an adrenal condition. But I think a lot of people have gone quiet because of arguments here shortly before you arrived.

hugs,
Caroline

[Soulforged]

Thanks for your response. I just feel alone.

I'm sure age is a factor in whether your hips will hurt. Male hips just aren't the same as female, and the male hips have to rotate around and do some strange things to become more like female hips.

I was quite strong before I started anti androgens, I still am. That was a couple years ago, it might have something to do with things just trying to fit, and with all the muscle there.. who knows.. you know.. children don't have the muscle mass men have regardless whether they're male or female.

And if I said painful, I meant discomfort. It sort like things are popping here and there, and there's a bit of tension. Overall it feels relieving, but like I mentioned it can be quite painful to stand for awhile, but not too painful.. just like.. achiness pain.

-

But more on how I feel.. my mom's like, you're diagnosing yourself! And I'm like.. You don't need a diagnosis for cortisol to work apparently! What it does is just oohoh.. I can feel again, I can breathe, my mind isn't thinking a billion thoughts a minute.

Just skeptics, guys and gals.. I don't wish the pain I've felt on anybody.. it's awful.. it's emptiness it's like there was no blood moving in my veins. I'm getting better after a couple days..

[Soulforged]

And it's like, jeez, I don't care about being intersexed.. God. not when this is happening. It's the best thing ever, I've never felt better.. what concerns me is the CAH - Not being intersexed.

I believe in might be related to intersexuality, but that I won't diagnose myself about. I've had transgendered feelings for a long time, and if I do have CAH, is it a coincidence or just whatever.. a childish thought.

I have what I consider a nice shape. But, it's like hormones haven't done anything since 6 months in. I would like to be intersexed, to validate my feelings to everyone but whoa.. I'm not going to jump to any conclusions. Vindication would be nice in my situation.

I can jump to conclusions about cortisol, it's a miracle plain and simple.

[Soulforged]

Transsexual perceptions are.. well they don't apply to me. I wear my boys clothes. They were always more comfortable than my own skin. I wear sweaters, long sleeve shirts and a skirt.. a nice long skirt, if I'm not wearing pants.

I don't wear make up, I just don't do that stuff - I know who I am, I know what I'm not.. there are plenty of girls out there who can do that so I'll let them be them and me be me.

I came here namely because being transsexual and having cah it makes me think.. perhaps. I never heard of CAH until I started researching transsexuality and stuff. It was just dumb luck that I got this hydrocortisone even. I didn't expect to be able to say: Oh I have CAH (or NCAH). I would have thought I would be diagnosed by somebody other than myself.

I didn't come here knowing everything about CAH. You know.. is it possible to have female reproductive organs in what appears to be a dude, and live to tell about it 25 years later? With little or no cortisol? From what I've read, I wouldn't be alive. From what I've read, no it's not possible.. you know? I don't really know anything about CAH. All I know is need cortisol, and if it took 25 years to find that out.. well.. Soulforged.

[Aseras]

Don't mind the lack of response this board is very slow and quiet. I say welcome. There's plenty of TS bias here, but whatever. Honestly I have found more support with TS people than anyone else. There are more of them and you can find them usually. I feel many have the same problems. The TS people just don't have the real medical issues, at least not ones they had a choice in. TS get to make the choice themselves and I respect them for that and the courage to go through with it. It's a lot to risk, and almost all of them loose everything. Many IS people had choices made for them. Both face the same hurles though if they choose to try and correct it.

Is it possible you have CAH? perhaps. Although it's doubtful you'd have complete virilization without being a salt waster and that would have been deadly or nearly so growing up. You would have had other problems as well.

It is absolutely possible to have female reproductive organs in a male phenotype. That is me essentially. Even a true male can have them is there's a defect in Mullerian inhibiting substance receptors or any number of other issues. There's plenty of documentation of a uterus found at autopsy or because of a hernia or a benign tumor being discovered in a otherwise normal male. Much more so than the documentation on a true hermaphrodite that I have found.

[witchy_woman]

Dont know if i have any right in welcoming anyone since I myself havnt been here long, but in any case its part of my personality to overstep my boundries and then as forgivness.

Welcome :) Im not IS, TS or anything else, just a girl with many friends on every end of the gender spectrum. I have alot of transexual and transgendered friends because of being very active in the GLBT community. Im afraid all of the medical information is way beyond me, but on an emotional level im very good at listening and being a good friend and good support. So please, if you need to talk to someone especially about these feelings of unwelcomness and unacceptedness, talk to me. I check almost every day for messages so you can talk to me privatly if you need to get things off your chest. I have been through some of my friends through several steps of the transitioning process. You will find that although it may not seem like it there ARE places you are welcome and there ARE people who really care.

And i second that, this can be a very quiet, slow board, so dont mind if it takes a few days for people to get back to you on questions ect. I posted my introduction and got only one reply but i still know everyone here is kind and supportive and if they arent then they need to remember that they too felt (and still sometimes feel) alone and needed someone to say "Hey, whatever makes you different is cool with me." We are all no more or less human than any of the rest of us.

With much love, Witchy_woman. Im no scientist but im one heck of an empath.

[Soulforged]

Thanks for the messages Aseras and Witchy Woman.

Ahh.. Yeah I know people have their own problems, I just figure you know.. I don't know how IS people would react to TS person. I love TSs, we just can't agree on a darn thing it seems. I'm too boyish.

I dunno.. I just feel so much better. I stopped taking Spironolactone and Estrogen for now. I'm not sure if it would healthy to take Spironolactone.

I love everyone. God.. it's just who loves me? I'm a radical person at times and I just believe what I believe. It can cause problems.

You know.. I never hated myself, either, deep down. I hated how I felt. I always felt like the living dead. I just couldn't be healed. There was no hope. Transition helped slightly, but deep down I knew I was still empty, still the living dead.

I dunno.. it's like how I feel is so familiar. I remember a time I used to feel good. Back when I was very young. But even when I felt good I had transgendered feelings. I dunno, it's like everything just a giant puzzle that's slowly coming together. My hope won't be dashed if I don't have an intersexed condition.. but you know.. between the way I look, the way I feel, and other puzzle pieces it would make sense. If my dream of actually feeling good about myself can come true, maybe my dream of actually being myself can come true? It's not wrong to dream, you know?

I was always just a little boy. Up until about 20, and I started turning into something fierce.. something I thought I could never be. That made me start thinking, about who I really want to be.

I dunno, thanks for the messages.

[Soulforged]

It's weird you know. I ate spaghetti with a liberal amount of parmesan cheese (potassium) like every day of my life. I ate Kraft Dinner like every day of my life, sometimes using 1 1/2 packets of cheese per 4/5 a box.

The Kraft Dinner would just knock my socks off and put me to sleep.

Maybe the Parmesan cheese is the reason I'm still alive, honestly? My memory is sketchy, but perhaps when I was having a crisis which I perceived to be mental, maybe I wasn't eating my spaghetti? You know, my parents divorced.. I've been making my own supper, spaghetti, like pfft, 5 times a week, with a nice amount of parmesan.

Cause I've been reading, and there are links between potassium, salt, aldosterone, all things spironolactone has actions with.. I used to get like.. 5 headaches a week honestly, and when I started the spironolactone those headaches went away. So I'm not sure.. is it the salt that caused the headaches, or the potassium? Maybe it was suppressing over-active mineralocorticoid production? I'm thinking perhaps salt, and the mineralcorticoids.

It's like.. whoa.. you know.. why didn't I read into this more earlier? It's like there's just bits and pieces of every form of CAH that I can relate to in some way.

Like.. honestly, I could pass for a girl until I was about 20. Then all of a sudden, it's like boom, you're the incredible hulk. That doesn't bother me as much as just.. how I felt. I have nothing wrong with being a man, you know.. I just couldn't live.

I just wish I could see my doctor right now.. this appointment stuff and waiting for it are making me.. ugh.. I want to see my doctor!

But thanks for your patience. Thanks for putting up with me. I don't have the highest dose of hydrocortisone and it's only prescribed for twice a day. I probably need more. Atleast I can sleep though, like, atleast sleep means something.. it feels like I'm actually resting.

[Soulforged]

CAH section.. maybe I'll move this there?

Things are just falling into place, things are making sense. What is confusing me about trying to pin point what kind of CAH I would have, is the gender question. Am I a viriziled female who was not much of a man, or was I was a undervirilized male, and when I did become virilized at ~21, why did the pain persist if androgens play such an important role in men? That's what confuses me.

Then I think back to school, and how I behaved in Grade 7. If I was wronged, I would cry and walk out of the class and go home. I would flame my teacher for accusing me of anything. Maybe I hit female puberty when I was 12? It would explain a lot. And maybe, just maybe, male puberty took a lot longer to reach.

For my Sweet Sixteen (Not to the day), I had my appendix removed. It had a stone lodged in it. Maybe that was the day Male puberty hit? You know.. Michael can throw that Old Serpent into the garbage pit anyday. I don't miss that thing at all.

So then, after ~4 years of female puberty, turning point, male puberty for.. 6 years.. (I started HRT at 22 almost 23, I'm almost 25 now, couple weeks), I transitioned. Headaches were gone, but not all was not well, but things were better, due to Spironolactone mainly.

This is my best theory as to why I feel it's intersexed related. I think I have the general CAH part down.

[Soulforged]

My appendectomy.. I wonder if it's related to CAH? I remember that morning well, that memory is burned into my brain. It was about 5-6 in the morning, I woke up puking. Would eat, would puke. So I was taken to a clinic and they said it's probably appendicitis. So I was in Detroit at the time, in a suburb so my mom decided well I guess we should should take you to Canada, for the free health care cause I'm Canadian and was just visiting the states. By the time I was out of the clinic, probably 4 or 5 hours had passed since I was writhing in absolute agony. So we drive the 3 and half hour drive to my home town, I get into the hospital, was taken care of pretty quick and had my appendix removed.

Maybe this is related to the vomiting people mention with CAH? And if I had excess mineralocorticoids, perhaps that's the reason for the fecal stones that lodged in my appendix?

[Aseras]

Honestly Sprio sucks. It's a very poor AA, the AA actions is merely a weak side effect. If you are taking the correct dose of estradiol to get you into the normal female range ( 200-500 pg/ml ) you don't even need an AA. As a result of taking the hormones your bodies natural production would have ceased.

Spiro can also cause all kinds off messed up problems. It can cause a false positive for CAH ( due to elevated 17OHP and other metabolites ). If you have CAH it could be fatal since it is a potassium sparing diruretic.

Have you been under medical supervison in transition or are you DIY?

[Soulforged]

I've been under medical supervision. I'm not worried about the potassium simply because I don't have too intake of it and I'm not on the supplements.

Spironolactone is good, you know, it's like it was made for me. I've been on it for 2 years without much change in my diet and I'm alright. I've had my hormones levels checked and everything is in female range.

I don't how it would react though when cortisol is entered in the equation. Which why I'm taking a break.

My problem was, I was on a lot of estrogen for two years, I've dabbled with progesterone and nothing happened. I had some initial results. Then it stopped, I was measuring and all that. It was making me frustrated. I had a no cup size, nothing. It's like progesterone did something, but it was painful and hard to tolerate. The only thing HRT did for me, was remove quite a bit of muscle mass, but not nearly enough. I know it takes time, but I also know certain things should happen, in atleast two years they say if your breast size isn't good enough, get implants, cause that's about as big as they get. I refuse to believe I'll have a zero cup for the rest of my life.

You know.. I know how cortisol makes me feel. It makes me feel. I can't deny how it is, and my thinking about intersexed is just thinking. If I don't have a female reproductive system at all, I won't be upset, I'd be surprised quite honestly.

HRT just didn't work for me. I've read that it won't in the CAH section.

And my mom asked me: How come they didn't find a uterus when they did the appendectomy? It's a good question and makes me think, but the nurse thought I was a girl until my mom corrected her, what the surgeons thoughts and what the surgeons saw is another guess. They've probably seen that sort of thing before, and perhaps assumed I was being raised a boy? Or maybe they just thought I was a girl.. I dunno, I was asleep. They mighta saw nothing, they might not have been looking.

I need to be diagnosed, you know? I'm just getting impatient waiting for my appointment. I'll tell everyone what I'm on and all that and if I need to stop I will.. but stopping cortisol my god.. I don't know if I can do that.. I can't go back to feeling dead.

[Peter]

I came here namely because being transsexual and having cah it makes me think.. perhaps. I never heard of CAH until I started researching transsexuality and stuff.

Hi Sourforged,

I am not sure what to make of your posts. In your first post, you say that you might have CAH, because of pains you are experiencing when using a suppository. In the quote above, you say that you have CAH. Only a doctor can provide you with a diagnosis of CAH. I recommend that you wait until you get such a diagnosis from a doctor before claiming to have CAH. If you had left it at speculation that you have CAH, you would be more credible. I will give you a tip on the relationship between between MtF transsexuality and CAH. There really is not a strong one. In XY people with CAH, it is physically asymptomatic at birth, which is why neo-natal testing of boys for CAH is common. Only XX people experience CAH as a condition involving their physical development, as documented on the Prader scale. If you were FtM, there might be a better chance of having CAH. Now, if you are reading on-line on the relationship between CAH and MtF transsexuality, you are probably reading the writings of one of the intersex posers who are MtF and claim to have CAH. It's a sore subject in the intersex community.

Peter

[Soulforged]

I'm here for support. I can't explain the way I feel and I can't explain why I feel this way. No one believes me just cause I'm a man. I haven't felt right my whole life, I've felt empty.

It would explain a lot. I don't care about intersexuality part, but maybe it's a facor?

Does anyone even know what it's like to reach 25 years of age never having taken hydrocortisone? Does anyone even know what it's like when after 25 years and you get your first taste of hydrocortisone what it does? Has anyone ever felt like crying every 5 minutes because they feel like they're being healed?

Does anyone here know that or is just a myth? Is it something else? I don't know, but I can't march in and see my doctor right now.

Thanks for your help.

[Soulforged]

Hi Sourforged,
Now, if you are reading on-line on the relationship between CAH and MtF transsexuality, you are probably reading the writings of one of the intersex posers who are MtF and claim to have CAH. It's a sore subject in the intersex community.

Peter

That's right. My life exists around deceit. I think I could've made a much more convincing argument to convince people I'll never meet that I think I might have a severe birth defect and I don't know what to do.

The posers are the people who never experienced what I experienced and come on here and insult someone who's crying every 5 minutes for reasons they wouldn't understand?

That's right. The truth is much more convincing than a lie.

[Soulforged]

I don't know why I even try to communicate with gentiles. I don't know why I bother talking to anyone with an IQ below 200 to be honest.

Yeah, thanks for your help everyone. Now I know another group of unaccepting, denying, people.

"The world may hate you, but fear not, I have overcome the world."

"They shall say Lord, Lord, let us in, and the Lord will say: "Get thee away from me, I never knew thee."

[Soulforged]

Honestly Sprio sucks. It's a very poor AA, the AA actions is merely a weak side effect. If you are taking the correct dose of estradiol to get you into the normal female range ( 200-500 pg/ml ) you don't even need an AA. As a result of taking the hormones your bodies natural production would have ceased.

Spiro can also cause all kinds off messed up problems. It can cause a false positive for CAH ( due to elevated 17OHP and other metabolites ). If you have CAH it could be fatal since it is a potassium sparing diruretic.

Have you been under medical supervison in transition or are you DIY?

I tried the Spiro today and I got a headache. I'm going to try to find an affordable AA. I've considered Orchiectomy but it scary to think about.

But thanks for the advice about potassium. I've never felt good about taking Spiro, but at the same time it got rid of my headaches.

I don't take much potassium, I always make sure I know what I'm eating. But it does scare me.. so I won't take it anymore, I didn't take any the second day of Cortisol until today.

Besides milk, I think parmesan cheese is the only thing with potassium in it that I eat. But then I don't know what labels it.

But you know, I'm not sure how cortisol would mix with Spironolactone, because if I'm supressing excessive mineralocorticoids with cortisol, it's just a different game, right? Like, yeah, it's something I don't want to do without talking to my doctor.

[Soulforged]

Why is potassium so dangerous in CAH? Maybe the potassium is what was causing the fatigue and headaches all this time, but why would it stop my headaches when I was taking Spironolactone? Isn't it only salt wasting that that would be a major problem.

I tried Androcur also but that was making me really tired. And it's sooo expensive.. it's dumb how things that can be used to treat prostate cancer and stuff are so expensive.

But Thanks Aseras.. I've been kinda excited lately about feeling good, and want to make sure everything's right.

[Soulforged]

Sorry about the last post.

I have a hard time with people questioning my sexuality. It's a battle I've fought my entire life, I don't need others getting involved, thanks.

I'm sorry. That's a sore subject with me. I don't know why anyone would pretend to have CAH. I don't know who you were talking about Peter.. but I am sorry about the last post.

Though your post was somewhat arrogant, I can play that game as well. So let bygones be bygones and stop questioning my motives and offer some advice or whatever.. don't question my sexuality or my motives please.

[Soulforged]

Hi Sourforged,

I am not sure what to make of your posts. In your first post, you say that you might have CAH, because of pains you are experiencing when using a suppository. In the quote above, you say that you have CAH. Only a doctor can provide you with a diagnosis of CAH. I recommend that you wait until you get such a diagnosis from a doctor before claiming to have CAH. If you had left it at speculation that you have CAH, you would be more credible. I will give you a tip on the relationship between between MtF transsexuality and CAH. There really is not a strong one. In XY people with CAH, it is physically asymptomatic at birth, which is why neo-natal testing of boys for CAH is common. Only XX people experience CAH as a condition involving their physical development, as documented on the Prader scale. If you were FtM, there might be a better chance of having CAH. Now, if you are reading on-line on the relationship between CAH and MtF transsexuality, you are probably reading the writings of one of the intersex posers who are MtF and claim to have CAH. It's a sore subject in the intersex community.

Peter

Strange how you say Intersexed community. When CAH isn't an intersexed or Hermaphrodite condition.

Strange indeed. Jealous much?

[Soulforged]

Hi Sourforged,

I am not sure what to make of your posts. In your first post, you say that you might have CAH, because of pains you are experiencing when using a suppository. In the quote above, you say that you have CAH. Only a doctor can provide you with a diagnosis of CAH. I recommend that you wait until you get such a diagnosis from a doctor before claiming to have CAH. If you had left it at speculation that you have CAH, you would be more credible. I will give you a tip on the relationship between between MtF transsexuality and CAH. There really is not a strong one. In XY people with CAH, it is physically asymptomatic at birth, which is why neo-natal testing of boys for CAH is common. Only XX people experience CAH as a condition involving their physical development, as documented on the Prader scale. If you were FtM, there might be a better chance of having CAH. Now, if you are reading on-line on the relationship between CAH and MtF transsexuality, you are probably reading the writings of one of the intersex posers who are MtF and claim to have CAH. It's a sore subject in the intersex community.

Peter

You're interesting. I get where you're coming from. You think I'm jealous of vaginas. No, my friend. I've always stayed away from them. I don't like Vaginas. I'd probably work better with one though, you know?

Yeah no I'm not diagnosed, but you know.. with how cortisol makes me feel I'd say it's pretty much a yes already.

But, I'm sure you wouldn't understand. I mean, posers.. you have what I call "Gender Superiority Syndrome" and I would say, my friend, there is none more superior than the other.

[Soulforged]

Satan Vs Michael.

Michael always wins, though indeed Satan disguise disguise himself as a lamb of God, Michael's heart always wins.

[Peter]

I have not questioned your sexuality or gender identity. Being intersex is not a sexuality in the way that homosexuality or heterosexuality is a sexuality. Sexuality is about sexual orientation, and I have said nothing about your sexuality. I have not questioned your gender identity. Gender identity is often described as what is between the ears in the brain. I assume that you have a female gender identity, and I hope that I am correct in this. My modest proposal is that you see a doctor about your concerns about your reactions to medications, and see what the doctor says. If you get a diagnosis of CAH, that is great. If you get a diagnosis of something else, that is also great. You will have your questions answered. I would just hold back a little bit. I am not CAH, but your saying that CAH is not an intersex condition is sure to cause controversy,when CAH is widely accepted as one of the two most common intersex conditions.

This week is it someone comparing me to Satan. Elsewhere, a couple of weeks ago, it was someone saying how great it was that advances in genetic screening, will mean less intersex people in the world like me. I do get tired of it.


Peter

[Soulforged]

Here's the run down, for the unenlightened.

God gave it all to Michael, because Satan was Jealous of Michael, Satan rebelled and fell from heaven.

Now Satan is left with nothing, and God is leaving his inheritance to Michael.

There was a time when Satan and Michael got along, but that was way back, way before Ancient Egypt.

Now it's hard for anyone to understand who Satan should be. Satan forsook his inheritance for single morsel of meat, and who was left to clean up Satan's mess? Michael.

You know, Jesus was a great man. He knew the truth, but he's the First Adam, the Angels have their own problems. The problem of the first Adam.

I dunno.. gentiles.. you know? They just don't get it, they follow a religion that Satan has perverted. You know, where were they in Ancient Egypt? Oh right, following Satans command and enslaving the Jews, because you know.. Michael is a Jew, Satan isn't.

Satans will was to destroy the Jews. If 'they' destroyed the Jews, there would be no seed left for Michael to come down to earth. The problem there is the Jews have their agenda, you know? They won't lose.

So right.. follow your agenda you know?

[Soulforged]

Stole your Dragon.

Where's your God now?

[Peter]

Hi Soulforged,

You have lost me. I am concerned that you consider yourself MtF, and are engaged in so-much god talk. I don't really know what to say. I hope that you have some friends who you are close to, who you can have a heart to heart talk to about your hopes and fears.

Peter

[Soulforged]

You know it's like.. my whole life I wanted to feel better, and transitioning did that slightly. Cortisol did that mightily. If I have to throw away all my HRT to live a just a normal well adjusted life, I'd do it.

I just can't believe how powerful my transgendered feelings are in life. You know, I was a good boy and I can continue to be just that. I'm a good girl, and I can continue to be that as well.. but it comes down to how am I going to be the healthiest I can be.

I never expected this. It's just a void being filled.. it explains things about why HRT wasn't working.. it explains I guess why progesterone was so weird for me. Oh, life was painful.

You know? My transsexuality could be explained as simply hormonal imbalances. I don't know. I'm sure it is related to my need for Cortisol.. frickin too much progesterone metabolites or something.

I make a good girl, I make a good boy. You know, not many transsexuals would admit to their masculinity, if they even have any masculine things about them.

You know? You can't truly get help without being honest.

[Soulforged]

Well thanks for calling me Soulforged and not Sourforged this time.

[Soulforged]

Hi Soulforged,

You have lost me. I am concerned that you consider yourself MtF, and are engaged in so-much god talk. I don't really know what to say. I hope that you have some friends who you are close to, who you can have a heart to heart talk to about your hopes and fears.

Peter

I talk nonsense when I need to release some frustration.

God has always been part of my life.

You know? What do you expect from me? You go from feeling numb to feeling, you start feeling things. Should my hips not hurt? Cause they aren't hurting now. It's easier to walk. I can breathe.

You're making too much out of the Intersexed portion. I said I won't diagnose myself on that, but if you get cortisol and feel like you're being reborn you need to talk to someone I think, until you see a doctor. I should know what to avoid and what to do.

It's like.. why would I lie? I'm not coming in here claiming I have a vagina or anything. I've read about it being possible. It's been a lifelong dream of mine. MtF or FtM is irrelevant when it comes down to who needs cortisol, and I needs cortisol. Maybe not NEED but it improves my quality of life.

I don't know how rare it is for men to need cortisol or how rare it would be for a man to have CAH. I don't know why people would say they have CAH and that they're TS and hey I have a vagina when they could just say they're girls.. I can't follow that logic..

With God anything is possible, if one dream comes true, maybe another can? Who knows? Stranger things have happened I'm sure.

[Soulforged]

Sourforged you know, being called that then the message itself, the poser bit it could be construed as not a friendly gesture.. I don't know if you meant it, if you didn't, I'm sorry. I'm used to being called out on message boards, I got tired of it, it's annoying, man.

[Kailana]

just wanted to welcome you to BLO and let you know a few things about CAH.

1st, BLO is primarily an intersexed support forum, and most conversatoin's are geared to either finding better understanding: people looking for answers. Sharing personal histories. Supporting each other in that ever long quest to find some sanity in a world that hasn't wanted to acknowledge we even exist.

2nd, BlO is for anyone and everybody who has an opinion and understands that this is a support forum for intersexed people. Meaning this forum is meant to help people find support and find answers that they havent been able to find in the past.

3rd. There are many, many different views that each of us has when it comes to transsexuality. Many would prefer that no-transsexual's were even allowed here, you can see it, read it, in alot of other posts that have allready been made. Went through several"FLAME WARS" over who is or who isn't intersexed. That really made me sick to see. Doesn't belong here. So if you do feel that someone is not getting what your saying, do your best to ignore it.

4th. CAH, and opinions on CAH and what CAH can do to people has been expressed by several as a XX only affecting condition that only Masculinizes females to males<--viirilization. That is an outright blatant lie. There are many forms of CAH and each has it's own way of expressing itself, several forms of which can undervirilize a male child to female and often enough be the cause of ambigous genitalia and improper/miss diagnosis initially as a virilised XX infant girl with CAH. <---to hasty of a diagnosis when first tested/incomplete testing. ie a ambigous infant with CAH, thought to be a girl, as that is what is first thought, and later when those tricky little genetics come back surprise XY. CAH affects people differently just depending on what form of CAH it is.

11B, and 17A are two I know of that have been known to undervirilize a mail child, and then there are combinations, a mix of variations of CAH meaning a person who has more then one form of CAH. examples 21 hsd/17A , 3B/17A or others 17A/21 LCAH<--forgot the acronym.

CAH is unuque and many forms do require coritsol supplimentation. Several other forms do not require cortisol supplimentation, but can still virilize or under virilize and it all depends on how CAH affects that person, what form of CAH or combination of CAH it is that the person has.


Now there are some highly intelligent people who know a grear deal about intersexed condition's that post here in BLO. Some of them though make mistakes, like me, lol. So a few typo's here and there, can lead others to assume we stated things that contradict previous or other comments. it happens. And then there are those of us who simply think faster then we actually type and after posting realize that entire segments of thought are missing in what we just wrote.<----that happens to me, by me all the time. Generally I assume its because I actually type far far slower then i think, and end up missing huge amounts of information relavent to the conversation.

Also, i am rambling, and know it. But feel that doing so is important, chain of thoughts are bouncing around right now, cause i actually want to say a whole lot more about most posts. Editing type can help sometimes when the server isn't being twitchy. most of the time though i do not edit posts. Kind of dont even feel like bothering too. that alone can get a whole lot of people to missunderstand what I write. Often enough doesn't matter so much to me anymore.

People like me who are intersexed, who do understand our own medical and life experience do have a large amount of information and knowledge that can help others. It's the only reason why I am still here. Regardless of how perfect or how imperfect my own personal knowledge is. I use BLO because BLO and members of BLO are or were very important to me in finding who I am as a person and not just as an intersexed person born with ambigous genitalia, who has been surgically reconstructed male, who is reassigning female.

I have a fair amount of understanding of lots of things, because my experiences are quite varied, I have a scope of understanding that many others do not. Please ask whatever you want, but remember that most people who post, are intersexed. Their experiences are those of intersexed people. They have views relavent to themselves and are less open and understanding when a transsexual identified person posts comments, who is wondering if they are intersexed. <----that causes a lot of harm to both communities. Does it really matter? to some of us, yes and to some no. It all depends on who comments. You'll see, or allready have seen it in this forum. Some have understanding, some don't.

I generally think BLO is an awesome intersexed support forum, there are others who think otherwise, they can do so if they chose too.

take care for now I am sure to run my fingers later. (chatting online, rather then speaking/talking)

[Peter]

Sourforged you know, being called that then the message itself, the poser bit it could be construed as not a friendly gesture..

It was a typo and not an intentionally unfriendly gesture.

Peter