relationships

[bonnalys]

hello. This is my first post, so I will start out by sharing my story. I was born with uniquely mosaic chromosomes. I have an X, and by my second has parts of an X and parts of a Y. The doctors labeled me a mosaic turners because this is the closest diagnosis they could think up. I have been surgically and hormonally made to look female, however I have never felt very feminine or masculine.

Now I am 22 years old and have finally come to terms with all of this. I have never been in a relationship before. I was wondering if anyone has any advise for finding a partner who is accepting of intersex, and how do you tell them about your differences?

[witchy_woman]

Welcome :)

Well, Im not sure that I can give a whole lot of advice, but I will at very least try :) I hope I am some help even though i am only 19 and also not intersexed. However my best friend is.

I think the best start is to ease into a social group that is more accepting of gender as something fluid and not binary...surround yourself with a group of people who are open and trusting. Be outgoing but in the right places. A good example is a gay bar or club where you will find people to be alot less confined by the "gender rules". A good group of friends who you eventually can trust to know all about you is a good start. Then over time you may find someone you are interested in or someone who is interested in you. If you make it no huge "coming out" but no big secret that you are IS you may find that more people are drawn to see you in a potential relationship way.

This is sort of what happened to my best friend when I started introducing them to my group of diversified open minded friends. Instead of not really socializing much for the awkwardness, she is surrounded by loving people several of which want to get to know her better in a relationship way.

The other place i base my advice is from my own experience as a bisexual female who finds alot of IS, TS and androgynous-looking people very attractive (That make me weird? Sure hope not...)

In any case I would stay away from web dateing or blind dating unless you can truely trust the person trying to set you up with someone. Web dating can be bad news when it comes to the rest of society and how intolerant and ignorant they can be.

I imagine getting close to someone and THEN coming out to them would be more difficult than having your differences be something thats sort of already known in your social circles would be difficult. . . in that case I would think it would come down to intimacy and trust. Just like everyone should but people who are different especially, you should know and trust someone before you give any part of yourself physically OR emotionally to them to do with what they will.

Anyways, I hope I helped in some way :/ somebody feel free to slap me if I didnt...

MUCH LOVE!

~Witchy_woman

[Dianne]

I think W.W. is right.

I was fairly good looking, straight, and attracted to "normal" males but when it came to any kind of serious relationship, they run screaming into the night. Most men are too delicate (and shallow) and simply can not handle the fact that the girl they fell for is not 100% "normal" mundane female. I got so used to being dumped on my head that I think I have a flat spot! In 35 years, I have had one good relationship with a straight male (who didn't care about my medical oddity) and one deep emotional relationship with an XXY man.

I wish it was better and I hope your experience is better but I am just pessimistic from too many years of bad experiences.

[Aseras]

I didn't date or get into any kind of a relationship or anything ( i mean anything not even a kiss ) until I was 26 almost 27. Even then I didn't seek it out, a girl at work and some conspiracy got me to go to a work party and they set me and up the girl cornered me :P

I have always been very timid and shy and very very uncertain of myself. Considering when I was 23-23 I basically looked like a girl, no beard or body hair at all even though I was a "guy". At the time I was asked out I had been on testosterone for 2 years and some change, so I looked fairly masculine, more muscular, hairy and all that. I had gotten very good at hiding things since high school and later, so no one could tell, even now they can't.

It was very strange, because I didn't know how to act really. I don't have any instincts and because I have been so shy I guard myself and my reactions or just choose not to act and hide. I never called the girl back and she had all but wrote me off I guess because I didn't respond ( I was supposed to call back or something I guess haha ). She called me up on a whim one weekend and asked me to go to a theme park with her and some other people ( because someone else who was supposed to go canceled ). Again as shy as I am, I hate going anywhere crowded and I avoided social interaction at all costs, even with people I know and certainly in public. A big city or a theme park is a nightmare for me. Anyways I debated on it and decided I didn't have anything better to do so I went, and it was probably one of the best things I have ever done. We totally hit it off and had a great time. The rest is history. We got very close over the next few months and eventually I moved out of my "cave" ( I was living alone and basically secluded ) and I moved in with her.

I took a very long time for me to open up to her, it's still a work in progress really. I came off of the hormones and medicines and stuff and she has seen me change quite a bit. I don't think she had any idea really what she was getting into. She has been the only person I have ever really opened up to, and while she has had a hard time understanding and grasping things like this that are foreign to her, she has been with me and understands a little. It's a work in progress and really that's all you can ask for in a relationship.

Definitely it is worth a try. I hid a lot. I regret it in some ways, that she fell in love with a part of me that is the facade. The shell I created to protect me from everyone else. It's gone now mostly between me and her, but it's still something that we struggle with form time to time because she doesn't understand it. She does understand some things about being different though. I can hide mine for the most part. She cannot, and that has also been difficult for her. She had cancer when she was 2 and basically lost half her face and an eye to the treatment and radiation. I think that part of her has also helped her accept me much more than a "normal" person would have.

[Kailana]

hello. This is my first post, so I will start out by sharing my story. I was born with uniquely mosaic chromosomes. I have an X, and by my second has parts of an X and parts of a Y. The doctors labeled me a mosaic turners because this is the closest diagnosis they could think up.QUOTE]

lots of variation with a turner's mosaic dx. ring formations, allelle trunkation and chromosomal translocation errors are possible and all fall under Turners Mosiacism. Lots and lots of little variations that all fall under Turners and Turners mosaicism really wish more people understood Turners better, or just understood just how much incomplete information is actually posted about what Turners and Turners Mosiacism actually is.


[QUOTE]Now I am 22 years old and have finally come to terms with all of this. I have never been in a relationship before. I was wondering if anyone has any advise for finding a partner who is accepting of intersex, and how do you tell them about your differences?


When you are ready you will just tell them. Honestly I think too many people including myself are or were too afraid of sharing our medical histories with those we trusted, that is where we seemed to lack the courage or faith to commit to a relationship. Fact is there are lots of great amazing people out their in our world who are perfectly accepting of us, all we have to do is let them get to know us. don't rush in and go blah blah blah, i am this and I am that. Sharing everything about ourselves can be a very discouraging event so really only share that when you allready know the person it is you are dating or caring about.

Or you could be like me and go ahead and go blah blah blah and share just about everything about myself, just to see how people react to me, <---that also works, amazingly enough though sometimes its a little much, I have met some amazing people sharing more then I should upfront, and occasionally have met and made some amazing friends doing so. In a way, I do feel that sharing alot upfront has given me a real understanding of who i can trust and have used sharing lots as a way to judge the character of other people.

now then your 22, so really do hope you have a better time dating then i did, as I was 22 when I found out I was IS. that lead to 15 years of celebacy, Ive only been dating for like the last year and am rather having fun i guess right now. good luck on your search and of all the missguided though well meaning advice i may share, just remember that there are tons of loving accepting people out in the world; just smile it helps alot.

[tinytool]

Well said Kailana! I agree.

[bonnalys]

thanks everyone, you all had very good advise that I hope to put to good use soon ;)