freakishfeline
05-08-09, 02:49 AM
Before I start, let me first say that I first sincerely apologize if I offend anyone, or step on anyone's toes. I'm aware that the questions I'm about to pose may be insensitive to some, but it was never my intention. I also apologize if I've broken any rules; I have to be bluntly honest and admit that I did not read any before posting. I know that alone is inconsiderate, but I have to be honest, and say that I am at my wits end, and am genuinely in a very bad state and had no idea where to turn; this forum was the first place I found, and so I've latched onto it in hope.
You see, my name is Christina, but please call me Chris. I'm nineteen years old--today is my birthday, in fact--and live in northern Texas. I was born a completely normal and essentially sexually healthy female. From a very early age I was queer; I can remember being six and seven, and chasing other little girls around, trying to kiss them, and by the time puberty hit me, I identified myself exclusively as a lesbian, however, this was never quite right, as you'll see.
Growing up, I played with both boys and girls extensively, but never quite fit in exclusively with either gender, and just sort of flowed back and forth between my male and female cliques as it suited me. With a preference for masculine, short and, and a tendency to dress to suit whatever group I was feeling closer to at the time, I inadvertently mastered a certain sense of androgyny from an early age, something that was only added to by a lackluster puberty that failed to leave me with any notable developments to speak of--to this day, I can't even fill in an A cup!
As I matured into my teen years I became more and more distant from both my male and female peers, and eventually disassociated myself from them almost entirely, unable to relate to other girls as they reached the years of make up and sensual clothing, while also feeling out of place among the boys who devoted all their time to sports, and cars. It was during this time my sexuality flourished and I found that I had a very specific tastes towards masculine women, something I originally associated with my self-labeled 'lesbianism', as even I had fallen prey, to an extent, to the stereotypes of bull dykes and queens. At the same time in my life, I grew intrigued by both intersexed individuals, and transsexuals, finding the ambiguity of the former alluring, while in some small way relating to the 'confusion' and sense of 'wrongness' often shown to manifest the latter. Still, at the time I didn't consider myself much more than female and lesbian.
The very first time I met an intersexed individual, I had just turned 17, I believe. We met on an online art community. His name was Kit, and he was, I think, what would be considered a 'true hermaphrodite'. He was very open and honest, and receptive to questions. From what I can recall of him, he was raised female, but did not have any assignment surgeries as a child, but was in the process of a later-in-life gender (re?)assignment, as he considered himself male. Though I was not in any way attracted to him, he opened up a Pandora's Box for me. Thanks to him I began to really reevaluate myself, and my sense of gender identity and sexuality. This was around the same time that I had learned about things such as 'bigenderism', and I spent a great amount of time thinking about how I felt about myself, what I identified with, what I found sexually attractive in a mate, and what I myself would have liked to have been, if only I had could have gone back and changed the circumstances of my own birth. I began to realize that while I had considered myself a lesbian, it was not so much the truth as it was the closest thing to the truth that I could muster and still maintain some simplicity. In reality, I fond that I was specifically attracted to persons which were neither strictly feminine nor strictly masculine, but were instead some combination of the two, either physically mentally, or both, though I did maintain a certain bias at the time for 'female' persons, perhaps because of an underlying sense of 'heterophobia', which was no doubt brought about by my lack of positive examples of heterosexuality as a child.
More importantly, though, I began to realize that the basic idea of being physically intersexed appealed to me. I did not feel right as a woman but loathed the idea of being a man, and yet, somehow, the naive idea of having 'both' appealed to me. I had not yet, however, associated this appeal with my lack of strong association with either gender, or, more importantly, my weak association to both. Eventually I gave up on the idea, well aware of the medical, social, and financial limitations that would cement my somewhat naive ideals as little more than pipe dreams, and ultimately shoved all the feelings away into a dark part of myself, finding that they confused and troubled me too much to continue to dwell on, especially for something that could not be a reality, and locked away they stayed, until recently.
You see, before I met Kit, I knew a very wonderful young girl named Riannon, who I shared a close friendship with, and not long after my revelations, we became more romantically inclined, which helped to reaffirm that I didn't need to dwell on my convoluted concerns; I was perfectly fine being the female and the lesbian, because that meant I had her. We were together for over two years before she came out and told me that she wanted, and has always wanted, to be male. She had always been rather masculine, and it did not come as much of a shock to me. Inn the days following, Rei became Ray, and our relationship seemed to improve drastically. He was much happier, which made me much happier, but as we progressed into the research phases for FtM transitioning, I was more and more reminded of my own personal issues with gender identity, until finally, I sat down one afternoon and thoroughly evaluated myself. After hours of tireless research, I found a label that fit me almost eerily: undifferentiated gender. I amateurishly affirmed my suspicions via a mostly faithful Bem Sex Inventory pilfered from the internet, and though I, in good sense, took the results of the BSI with a grain of salt, I still felt as though I'd found something solid, and was no longer floundering blindly, trying to find some sort of legitimate explanation for why, despite my body, I never felt quite female, but never particularly felt male, either. It was liberating! Years of self-loathing over my inability to just be a GIRL washed away, and for a little while, I felt at peace. I began making plans to readopt the androgyny of my youth, having abandoned it for a feminine nature that didn't feel right, but pleased my professional peers.
Unfortunately, a funny thing happened: Initially, I acknowledged a legitimate identity that I related with, instead of accepting one that I was defaulted with but never really associated myself with, and instantly began to love and respect myself more emotionally. I felt comfortable for a short period, but as my partner and I began discussing things such as T therapy and gender reassignment for him, I began to grow critical of my own body. My breasts, which I had found to be a painful, but gender-necessary nuisance, lost any sense of worth when I stopped clinging to a strictly 'female' identity, and I began to consider an eventual mastectomy in my later years, once I had had children and no longer needed then for even their basic biological purpose. It wasn't long before my genitals fell under scrutiny too, and the longer I considered them, their biological uses, their sexual appeal to both me and my partner, and what they superficially suggested about myself and my gender identity, the less I was satisfied with simple female genitalia. I desired something a little more true to how I viewed myself: neither female nor male. With a lack of genitalia out of the question, I dug up my old fond fantasies of being intersexed. After many days of stress and consideration, as well as detailed discussions with my partner, I came to the conclusion that to full comfortable with myself, I would need ambiguous genitalia. I was reluctant of any surgery that would irreparably destroy what I already had, and wanted to maintain my fertility, so the solution I settled on was one that I found I favor anyway: clitoral enlargement.
I have read that women often enlarge their clitoris for sexual or aesthetic reasons, usually using testosterone, either applied or injected directly to the clitoris, or injected for a body-wide effect, such as during FtM transition therapy. Body-wife appealed to me oriignally, as it would have the added bonuses of shrinking my breasts, perhaps to the point of not needing the mastectomy I've considered, as my breasts really are underdeveloped to such a degree that even half a cup-size worth of loss would render me flat. In addition, it would lower the pitch of my voice, which would be helpful as my voice is excessively high pitched, for even a woman. Unfortunately, the side effects and medical red tape that comes with prescription-grade hormones turn me off of this option strongly. The other option in terms of hormones, meanwhile, is the application of testosterone directly to the clitoris, or the injection of testosterone directly into the shaft(?) of the clitoris. This is unappealing too as I am concerned that non-prescription testosterone cream would not give me the results I am looking for (my clitoris is naturally unusually small, while conversely, I would be looking for more extreme results, such as those exhibited in Buck Angel, the FtM transsexual porn star, to name a vulgar reference). Meanwhile, the shalf injections bear the same downsides as the body-wide injections.
So a third option was considered: surgical enlargement of the clitoris, which is why I've made this thread to begin with. I've tried hard to find information on the internet regarding the practice, if it even exists, but have come up dry, and am far too humiliated to call a clinic specializing in genital surgery and ask personally. And I am aware that this forum may not be a very good place to ask--in fact, I'm sure I could have found one more specialized in that sort of thing--but I suppose I just felt like, perhaps, I'd get a more understanding answer in a place like this? Of course, that may not be the case at all; I may have just made enemies by inserting my foot into my gaping mouth. Honestly, who in their right mind would want to help the 'wannabe intersexed' anyway? I'm sure my very existence could be considered insulting, but...I just have no where else to turn, really. I've considered asking in boards for transsexuals, since at the very least many of them had gone through similar surgical or hormonal treatments as those I've considered, but at the end of the day, I can't bring myself to, because I'm nowhere near a transsexual. You guys are the closest thing to what I feel like I should be, so I'll take my chances and ask here. I'm sorry for the life story, but i partially needed to get it out, and partially hoped that if I told you exactly where I was coming from, you might be more inclined to be gentle with me. I mean no offense, I only want help, and have no idea where else to go. The stress of what I should do to make my body comfortable for me has begun to eat me alive. I've lost sleep and my performance at work and in relationships is slipping, so please, if you know anything about clitoral enlargement, or any procedure that would net similar effects, I beg of you to share so that I may put my mind at rest!
Humiliated and Applogetic,
Chris
You see, my name is Christina, but please call me Chris. I'm nineteen years old--today is my birthday, in fact--and live in northern Texas. I was born a completely normal and essentially sexually healthy female. From a very early age I was queer; I can remember being six and seven, and chasing other little girls around, trying to kiss them, and by the time puberty hit me, I identified myself exclusively as a lesbian, however, this was never quite right, as you'll see.
Growing up, I played with both boys and girls extensively, but never quite fit in exclusively with either gender, and just sort of flowed back and forth between my male and female cliques as it suited me. With a preference for masculine, short and, and a tendency to dress to suit whatever group I was feeling closer to at the time, I inadvertently mastered a certain sense of androgyny from an early age, something that was only added to by a lackluster puberty that failed to leave me with any notable developments to speak of--to this day, I can't even fill in an A cup!
As I matured into my teen years I became more and more distant from both my male and female peers, and eventually disassociated myself from them almost entirely, unable to relate to other girls as they reached the years of make up and sensual clothing, while also feeling out of place among the boys who devoted all their time to sports, and cars. It was during this time my sexuality flourished and I found that I had a very specific tastes towards masculine women, something I originally associated with my self-labeled 'lesbianism', as even I had fallen prey, to an extent, to the stereotypes of bull dykes and queens. At the same time in my life, I grew intrigued by both intersexed individuals, and transsexuals, finding the ambiguity of the former alluring, while in some small way relating to the 'confusion' and sense of 'wrongness' often shown to manifest the latter. Still, at the time I didn't consider myself much more than female and lesbian.
The very first time I met an intersexed individual, I had just turned 17, I believe. We met on an online art community. His name was Kit, and he was, I think, what would be considered a 'true hermaphrodite'. He was very open and honest, and receptive to questions. From what I can recall of him, he was raised female, but did not have any assignment surgeries as a child, but was in the process of a later-in-life gender (re?)assignment, as he considered himself male. Though I was not in any way attracted to him, he opened up a Pandora's Box for me. Thanks to him I began to really reevaluate myself, and my sense of gender identity and sexuality. This was around the same time that I had learned about things such as 'bigenderism', and I spent a great amount of time thinking about how I felt about myself, what I identified with, what I found sexually attractive in a mate, and what I myself would have liked to have been, if only I had could have gone back and changed the circumstances of my own birth. I began to realize that while I had considered myself a lesbian, it was not so much the truth as it was the closest thing to the truth that I could muster and still maintain some simplicity. In reality, I fond that I was specifically attracted to persons which were neither strictly feminine nor strictly masculine, but were instead some combination of the two, either physically mentally, or both, though I did maintain a certain bias at the time for 'female' persons, perhaps because of an underlying sense of 'heterophobia', which was no doubt brought about by my lack of positive examples of heterosexuality as a child.
More importantly, though, I began to realize that the basic idea of being physically intersexed appealed to me. I did not feel right as a woman but loathed the idea of being a man, and yet, somehow, the naive idea of having 'both' appealed to me. I had not yet, however, associated this appeal with my lack of strong association with either gender, or, more importantly, my weak association to both. Eventually I gave up on the idea, well aware of the medical, social, and financial limitations that would cement my somewhat naive ideals as little more than pipe dreams, and ultimately shoved all the feelings away into a dark part of myself, finding that they confused and troubled me too much to continue to dwell on, especially for something that could not be a reality, and locked away they stayed, until recently.
You see, before I met Kit, I knew a very wonderful young girl named Riannon, who I shared a close friendship with, and not long after my revelations, we became more romantically inclined, which helped to reaffirm that I didn't need to dwell on my convoluted concerns; I was perfectly fine being the female and the lesbian, because that meant I had her. We were together for over two years before she came out and told me that she wanted, and has always wanted, to be male. She had always been rather masculine, and it did not come as much of a shock to me. Inn the days following, Rei became Ray, and our relationship seemed to improve drastically. He was much happier, which made me much happier, but as we progressed into the research phases for FtM transitioning, I was more and more reminded of my own personal issues with gender identity, until finally, I sat down one afternoon and thoroughly evaluated myself. After hours of tireless research, I found a label that fit me almost eerily: undifferentiated gender. I amateurishly affirmed my suspicions via a mostly faithful Bem Sex Inventory pilfered from the internet, and though I, in good sense, took the results of the BSI with a grain of salt, I still felt as though I'd found something solid, and was no longer floundering blindly, trying to find some sort of legitimate explanation for why, despite my body, I never felt quite female, but never particularly felt male, either. It was liberating! Years of self-loathing over my inability to just be a GIRL washed away, and for a little while, I felt at peace. I began making plans to readopt the androgyny of my youth, having abandoned it for a feminine nature that didn't feel right, but pleased my professional peers.
Unfortunately, a funny thing happened: Initially, I acknowledged a legitimate identity that I related with, instead of accepting one that I was defaulted with but never really associated myself with, and instantly began to love and respect myself more emotionally. I felt comfortable for a short period, but as my partner and I began discussing things such as T therapy and gender reassignment for him, I began to grow critical of my own body. My breasts, which I had found to be a painful, but gender-necessary nuisance, lost any sense of worth when I stopped clinging to a strictly 'female' identity, and I began to consider an eventual mastectomy in my later years, once I had had children and no longer needed then for even their basic biological purpose. It wasn't long before my genitals fell under scrutiny too, and the longer I considered them, their biological uses, their sexual appeal to both me and my partner, and what they superficially suggested about myself and my gender identity, the less I was satisfied with simple female genitalia. I desired something a little more true to how I viewed myself: neither female nor male. With a lack of genitalia out of the question, I dug up my old fond fantasies of being intersexed. After many days of stress and consideration, as well as detailed discussions with my partner, I came to the conclusion that to full comfortable with myself, I would need ambiguous genitalia. I was reluctant of any surgery that would irreparably destroy what I already had, and wanted to maintain my fertility, so the solution I settled on was one that I found I favor anyway: clitoral enlargement.
I have read that women often enlarge their clitoris for sexual or aesthetic reasons, usually using testosterone, either applied or injected directly to the clitoris, or injected for a body-wide effect, such as during FtM transition therapy. Body-wife appealed to me oriignally, as it would have the added bonuses of shrinking my breasts, perhaps to the point of not needing the mastectomy I've considered, as my breasts really are underdeveloped to such a degree that even half a cup-size worth of loss would render me flat. In addition, it would lower the pitch of my voice, which would be helpful as my voice is excessively high pitched, for even a woman. Unfortunately, the side effects and medical red tape that comes with prescription-grade hormones turn me off of this option strongly. The other option in terms of hormones, meanwhile, is the application of testosterone directly to the clitoris, or the injection of testosterone directly into the shaft(?) of the clitoris. This is unappealing too as I am concerned that non-prescription testosterone cream would not give me the results I am looking for (my clitoris is naturally unusually small, while conversely, I would be looking for more extreme results, such as those exhibited in Buck Angel, the FtM transsexual porn star, to name a vulgar reference). Meanwhile, the shalf injections bear the same downsides as the body-wide injections.
So a third option was considered: surgical enlargement of the clitoris, which is why I've made this thread to begin with. I've tried hard to find information on the internet regarding the practice, if it even exists, but have come up dry, and am far too humiliated to call a clinic specializing in genital surgery and ask personally. And I am aware that this forum may not be a very good place to ask--in fact, I'm sure I could have found one more specialized in that sort of thing--but I suppose I just felt like, perhaps, I'd get a more understanding answer in a place like this? Of course, that may not be the case at all; I may have just made enemies by inserting my foot into my gaping mouth. Honestly, who in their right mind would want to help the 'wannabe intersexed' anyway? I'm sure my very existence could be considered insulting, but...I just have no where else to turn, really. I've considered asking in boards for transsexuals, since at the very least many of them had gone through similar surgical or hormonal treatments as those I've considered, but at the end of the day, I can't bring myself to, because I'm nowhere near a transsexual. You guys are the closest thing to what I feel like I should be, so I'll take my chances and ask here. I'm sorry for the life story, but i partially needed to get it out, and partially hoped that if I told you exactly where I was coming from, you might be more inclined to be gentle with me. I mean no offense, I only want help, and have no idea where else to go. The stress of what I should do to make my body comfortable for me has begun to eat me alive. I've lost sleep and my performance at work and in relationships is slipping, so please, if you know anything about clitoral enlargement, or any procedure that would net similar effects, I beg of you to share so that I may put my mind at rest!
Humiliated and Applogetic,
Chris