Intro and questioning myself

[confused34]

I don't really know if i qualify as an intersexual or not but I'm losing my mind dwelling on this stuff.

When I was 5-6 I had surgery on my privates but the only thing I remember about it was that it was to fix how I was urinating. I don't remember what was wrong with how I urinated that was the reason given to me back then. I do know that it cost 30k (1980) which was offset by "participation in a medical book" aka they took a lot of pictures of me. As a result of that surgery I had to get the end of my penis sliced repetitively after that due to the hole closing up. Last one was when I was 9. I remember having to stick like a tube of something that looked like neosporin but wasn't up there to keep it open which hurt like hell and I would lie about saying i did it which was the reason it kept closing up. Throw in a shrink in this time frame who was doing hypnosis on me.

When I was 11-12 they were talking about more surgery as my testicles were not descending. I was put on something that was 2 shots a week for a couple of months. My stepfather at the time knew about this and "helped" me by digging them out which hurt like crazy and occurred many times. Well they did "drop" but there were 3 of them of which one definitely did not feel like the others but I was busted for being molested when i went to a doctor to examine it. In which the court doctors hurt me way more than anything I had been going through at the time. (not counting the surgery).

Some time when I was 15 i got a "swab-job" done when I was being locked up and apparently clenched to hard (it hurt) and snapped the wooden q-tip which I then removed myself (didn't want the medical guy to touch me after that), leaving myself a bloody mess down there. I was locked up so it was more a matter of hiding this than getting medical attention (which was a joke).

For a time in my 20's I thought I was a TS but had some really bad experiences which caused me to quit. Now in my 30's I think I have some major urological problems as the only external part of my "penis" when it is soft, is the head and it sometimes gets locked about 1-2" deep in my pubic cavity. I don't really have much feeling from it except the head. When erect it's about 3-3.5" if I pull on it a lot. I do however have 3 layers of "flippy things" inside my scrotum which have decent feeling but I don't know if that's normal or not. I'm scared of doctors as I've had some bad experiences with them but I do need to find one. Last one I went to freaked out about the size of my pubic cavity when I tried the turn your head and cough thing. When I "cum" it's not white but not clear either more like snot and it's a small amount (can fit on my last pinky finger digit).

I did find out when I was 30 that my mother was taking expired, recalled bc pills that made her tits bigger and didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 3-4 months along. Apparently I was born with "insides on the outside", had many surgeries, flat lined a couple of times and was released from the hospital 3 months after I was born. My mother went crazy and was committed to a mental ward for 2 months. I found this out from the guy my mother was with when I was born (not my father). When I asked what was outside he acted like he was surprised my mother didn't tell me and told me that she needs to tell me and left. I haven't been able to get more out of my mother as she just changes the subject to "be grateful your alive blah blah blah". Plus we aren't on good speaking terms as I was abused a lot and hold grudges against her.

I've been single now for 11 years, my last gf exposed me after we broke up and i left town. I thought I could handle the being alone the rest of my life but it's draining. I have a decent job but without someone all i can think about is killing myself lately. With my issues would any girl want me? I might have been bi at one time but guys scare the crap out of me in that aspect now (was raped). Plus I don't dare tell this to my friends but I think they know somethings up w. me not even trying to hook up with someone.

Am I IS or just a guy with weird shit going on. I don't really know which category I fit in if I am as nothing I've read about really describes me.

[Aseras]

Hi confused

Sounds like you had some serious hypospadias repair. Many things can cause that to occur. The only real way to know about your past is to get your recods or have someone tell you.

[prince....ss?]

Welcome to BLO.

Well welcome to the club and your not alone with your condition. We all have different things going on so in that respect you have my permission to consider yourself special. I know special is not what you want and normal would be so much easier...I agree but this is your lot in life so try to make the best of it.

There are no doctors here so now the hard part. Get some answers from your family if you can. Get your medical records if available. I learned so much when I got mine. If all that fails go to a doctor for testing.

If you are intersex or not intersex has no bearing on your troubles. Intersex is just a label and once you get to pin that on ...it changes nothing.

You are an individual with a medical condition and there is no reason to be embarrassed or leave town because someone found out. Just to be a bit crude. Your penis is not who you are.

Take it easy on yourself, take a deep breath and know that you can work through this.

Welcome to BLO

[confused34]

I have tried getting my medical records multiple times through doctors but other than saying "you were very sick" the doctors who got them won't get any more specific either. Growing up I tried the suicide thing a lot first was trying to hang myself around 6 till I was 25 then had a few more attempts in my 30's so that might be a factor as I was trying to get them through shrinks.

My last ex-gf who i met in the psych ward where they were telling me I was "normal" (post rape suicide attempt) said later that she overheard them talking about me not being normal and that was when she decided she had to get with me. She told me almost 2 years after the fact. She was the one who exposed me when we broke up. But this could have been something she said to push my buttons so to speak although when she told me we were having a good time. Telling me led to some serious problems as I didn't take it very well at all.

Another thing to note is the hospital where this occurred my mother did her residency there but she is no help and we are not really on speaking terms.

Is there a way to get them without going through doctors? And how do you find a doctor that doesn't treat you like crap?

[louisev]

Yes. Identify any and all medical facilities where you were treated or thought you were treated. Send them a signed letter requesting all records. Or if you live nearby, drive there, and go to the Medical Records department. Sign a form and request the records. Sometimes they won't do the copying right there, they will either send them to you, charge you a fee per page, or bill you beforehand. You cannot be prevented from getting your own medical records, they BELONG TO YOU. They can charge you for the cost of reproducing them, however. And yes, unless you are in custody and are considered a legal minor, you may obtain any and all psychiatric, in-patient, outpatient, and doctor's records. From all doctors, all hospitals, and all other providers of medical services.

[louisev]

Here is the law that requires medical providers to give you your medical records UPON YOUR REQUEST. How to do it is listed above.


http://patients.about.com/od/yourmedicalrecords/a/getmedrecords.htm

[prince....ss?]

Request your records directly from the hospital that you were treated at. Start in the records department. They are your records and you have every right to them. Keep in mind you will need to fill out some forms and give them time to find them and make copies. So don't expect to walk in and get them the same day. Depending on the size of the hospital it may even take weeks.

Yes it sounds like you had a rough time in life so far...but sounds like your trying to take control of the situation...good job.

Finding a good doctor is not an easy thing as well. What part of the world are you in (don't give your address) just country and close city and perhaps some one knows of one....else it's trial and error till you find one to work for you.

[galens47]

Welcome to BLO.

I agree with the previous posters, obtain your medical records.

Perhaps a well versed social worker could help (rather hard to find). There are some folks who specialize in assisting obtaining medical records.

I'm glad you've reached out.

Cheers,

Galen

[confused34]

Well I live near Pensacola, FL (not there but near it). From the stuff I read about getting the records going there is out of the question as it is 1400 miles from where I am at and I won't fly as I too worried about being strip searched or something (paranoid I know). I'll see about the phone thing but this was over 30 years ago which they are according to law only required to hold for 10

[prince....ss?]

They had my medical birth records and I requested them 43 years later. So you don't know unless you ask. Go on line and see if they have a form to fill out to receive your records. I did mine through the mail.

I don't live in that area so I don't know the doctors around there. I think some other members may be able to help if they long in.

[Kailana]

hiya confused

Just had to add some comments on our HIPAA

You really need to spend some time reading what is actually written within those rules.

Because HIPPA actually has clauses written within giving hospitals the right to withhold any information they feel may be detrimental to you finding out.

ie any information they deem could cause the person trauma; that could cause him or her to harm themselves or harm another can be withheld from you.

What I hate seeing constantly repeated about people who think we have a right to our own records is the simple fact that not only do hospitals use the HIPPA law to withhold information from us, but they also have there own policy's based off of the HIPPA law which further makes it harder for some of us to get records. IE it really depends on the staff your dealing with and the doctors you have and there experience's dealing with similar cases. Some doctors understand how important complete information is, there experience's has shown that only more trauma is cuased by withholding information. Other's are stickler's for the Laws ie and won't risk taking the chance that releasing information which may cause something to happen ie fear keeps some from being honest and good doctors.

Seriously it really depends on the care of the doctors you have. If they are smart they would request them themselves and study them so they understand what went on in your past and then sit down with you and help you understand them, that way at least they have some way of knowing how your doing during and afterwards and can try to help you understand what is written within.

Honestly knowone really knows how they are going to behave once they have thier records, some cope really well, some have questions that needs answers and some completely fall apart. There is risk for some, but not all and at least in a controlled environment where counseling is on hand, they could at least provide some support immediately if it is needed or at least direct you to further counseling to help if there are issue's that arise from sudden discover of what actually occured.

take care and best of luck to you in getting your medical history, oh and do ignore that 10 year limitation, ie that is commonly mentioned by the way, most hospitals shuffle old records off into storage.

and should all else fail you can always sue hospitals for the right to your records.

[Aseras]

The best success I've had in getting old records is having another doctor you trust request them for you. An urgent request for the records from a doctor gets results and it gets everything they have, if they have it fast.

When you request them yourself, it goes to the bottom of the pile and they have no real reason to get them speedily or completely.

[confused34]

Well i got the info and sent off for them via snail mail. Like I said I went the dr route before well 13 years ago. I had to give up on all that stuff back then cause it was driving me crazy.

It's just lately in the past few years things have been way more physically odd to the point of me wondering wtf is going on with me. Plus the holding emotions in check and keeping everything bottled up.

My main thing is I need to find a doctor that won't treat me like shit which i wonder if they even exist.

[confused34]

Well I was denied my medical records :/ So much for that idea.

Guess i'm just gonna go back to ignoring everything and pretend everything's normal. fuck doctors

[louisev]

Well I was denied my medical records :/ So much for that idea.

Guess i'm just gonna go back to ignoring everything and pretend everything's normal. fuck doctors

if you are in the United States no medical practitioner can "deny"you medical records. They can play peekaboo but it's your medical history, and unless it is beyond their records retention date and they have it in their files, they have to provide it to you. They can - and most of the time do - charge for copying. It's a little law called HIPAA.

[Aseras]

Well I was denied my medical records :/ So much for that idea.

Guess i'm just gonna go back to ignoring everything and pretend everything's normal. fuck doctors

I doubt they said no you can't have them. you probably got the "we don't have them" ( cause we archived them are are too lazy to dig them up excuse).

Have you primary doctor request a complete medical record formally STAT. Watch them magically appear in days ( and usually for free too ).

[louisev]

I definitely agree, Aseras. If a doctor is trying to stall and make it difficult to provide records that another doctor might find suspect or shows poor treatment they can sometimes tell you they can't find them or can't get them, but that's where another doctor who requires that information can use their clout. Your medical records are YOUR PROPERTY. They have to release whatever they have to you, you just need to sign a HIPAA release for them. And only you or your designated representative, can do that.