insideout808
07-31-10, 02:59 PM
I randomly stumbled on this website and after reading it for a couple hours decided to register.
Over time I've come to learn that there's so much variation to a human body and more times than not the medical world is stuck in thinking there should only be 100% males and 100% females. I've done a lot of my own research over time and interesting things such as fetuses do not develop from the get go as female or male ... there's a point (11 weeks I think?) where sex is not determined and can go either way and obviously a lot of variations can happen. That kinda helped me get over the "I'm a freak" thing - to just know that so much variation is possible and NORMAL.
Personally I hate doctors. I think most of them are quacks and just want to prescribe you pills for "symptoms" or give you shots or what to do surgeries. I think it's very rare to find a good one (I'm in the U.S. by the way). Someone on here mentioned how they always felt humiliated by doctors. I feel the same way. Never once have I been to a regular medical doctor where I didn't feel humiliated by the time I walked out of the office.
There's an "F" on my birth certificate but that was never how I felt. I was always androgynous. I had a hell of a time when I was a kid because everyone thought I was a boy and treated me as such. I would get busted for going in the boys restroom at school by teachers. Most of the time my parents were dressing me like a boy because I was vocal from an early age that's what I liked. There was a major conflict going on. My parents really didn't know what to do with me. My mom had my hair cut short but then also put me in dresses occasionally and told me to "act like a little lady". I hated that. And of course since my "sex" is female on all records school was very hard for me. I got picked on constantly by other kids for "looking like a boy".
I remember a lot of doctor visits where he was poking and prodding me and then would leave, apparently having some "game plan" discussion with my mom. When I hit puberty parts started growing that made it apparent I wasn't 100% female so I was given shots of estrogen by the doctor (same doctor since birth btw) which effectively stopped my overall growth (I'm only 5'2 because of that I think) but gave me bigger breasts - which I completely hated. I started slouching and wearing oversize clothes or t-shirts with regular shirts over them just to hide the stupid things. I finally broke down in tears one day and there were no more shots after that. High school was a living hell though. Especially p.e. class where I totally refused to change with everyone else. Basically I looked like a dude with tits at that point.
In college, away from my parents and everyone I knew I experimented a little with looks and who I would actively try to date. I like women first, guys second so I tried dating a girl I met in college. It took me 3 months to do anything with her though and she was about to leave me because of it when I finally spilled the beans. To this day I still feel like I was a novelty to her and she ended up leaving me for another girl.
But now I have a "normal" life as a female, a career ... I'm married ... to a guy (who completely accepts me for who I am) ... but there's times I just want to be "just another dude". I know I'll never be, and that's something that often really gets to me if I think about it too much, but even to occasionally be perceived how I feel inside would make me feel a little better. I look female enough now that even when I'm not trying to be a female people still call me one. I've tried taking testosterone shots but all they did was make me have to shave more and make me climb the walls (sexually) so that only lasted 6 months. After 33 years I'm finally learning to just accept my fate so to speak though. I am who I am and I'm lucky enough not to have a story like some do with a ton of unnecessary surgeries and all of that.
I'd prefer that no one I actually know or encounter in my personal or professional life ever knows what my body really looks like (honestly, it's none of their business what's between my legs and I've always felt that way). I'm not one of those "out and proud of what I am people" ... that's just not me. I'm much more the shy, reserved type. But I also think it's healthy to talk about things that do or have bothered me over the years and not keep it all bottled up inside. So that's why I'm posting here - where I feel relatively "safe" is that makes any sense.
Over time I've come to learn that there's so much variation to a human body and more times than not the medical world is stuck in thinking there should only be 100% males and 100% females. I've done a lot of my own research over time and interesting things such as fetuses do not develop from the get go as female or male ... there's a point (11 weeks I think?) where sex is not determined and can go either way and obviously a lot of variations can happen. That kinda helped me get over the "I'm a freak" thing - to just know that so much variation is possible and NORMAL.
Personally I hate doctors. I think most of them are quacks and just want to prescribe you pills for "symptoms" or give you shots or what to do surgeries. I think it's very rare to find a good one (I'm in the U.S. by the way). Someone on here mentioned how they always felt humiliated by doctors. I feel the same way. Never once have I been to a regular medical doctor where I didn't feel humiliated by the time I walked out of the office.
There's an "F" on my birth certificate but that was never how I felt. I was always androgynous. I had a hell of a time when I was a kid because everyone thought I was a boy and treated me as such. I would get busted for going in the boys restroom at school by teachers. Most of the time my parents were dressing me like a boy because I was vocal from an early age that's what I liked. There was a major conflict going on. My parents really didn't know what to do with me. My mom had my hair cut short but then also put me in dresses occasionally and told me to "act like a little lady". I hated that. And of course since my "sex" is female on all records school was very hard for me. I got picked on constantly by other kids for "looking like a boy".
I remember a lot of doctor visits where he was poking and prodding me and then would leave, apparently having some "game plan" discussion with my mom. When I hit puberty parts started growing that made it apparent I wasn't 100% female so I was given shots of estrogen by the doctor (same doctor since birth btw) which effectively stopped my overall growth (I'm only 5'2 because of that I think) but gave me bigger breasts - which I completely hated. I started slouching and wearing oversize clothes or t-shirts with regular shirts over them just to hide the stupid things. I finally broke down in tears one day and there were no more shots after that. High school was a living hell though. Especially p.e. class where I totally refused to change with everyone else. Basically I looked like a dude with tits at that point.
In college, away from my parents and everyone I knew I experimented a little with looks and who I would actively try to date. I like women first, guys second so I tried dating a girl I met in college. It took me 3 months to do anything with her though and she was about to leave me because of it when I finally spilled the beans. To this day I still feel like I was a novelty to her and she ended up leaving me for another girl.
But now I have a "normal" life as a female, a career ... I'm married ... to a guy (who completely accepts me for who I am) ... but there's times I just want to be "just another dude". I know I'll never be, and that's something that often really gets to me if I think about it too much, but even to occasionally be perceived how I feel inside would make me feel a little better. I look female enough now that even when I'm not trying to be a female people still call me one. I've tried taking testosterone shots but all they did was make me have to shave more and make me climb the walls (sexually) so that only lasted 6 months. After 33 years I'm finally learning to just accept my fate so to speak though. I am who I am and I'm lucky enough not to have a story like some do with a ton of unnecessary surgeries and all of that.
I'd prefer that no one I actually know or encounter in my personal or professional life ever knows what my body really looks like (honestly, it's none of their business what's between my legs and I've always felt that way). I'm not one of those "out and proud of what I am people" ... that's just not me. I'm much more the shy, reserved type. But I also think it's healthy to talk about things that do or have bothered me over the years and not keep it all bottled up inside. So that's why I'm posting here - where I feel relatively "safe" is that makes any sense.