MGD love hurts!

[suhuyenbi]

Hello everyone,

I haven't been here in a while. I'm just feeling feeling down now. I feel uber marginalized. I'm lonely. As in I haven't dated anyone and I feel so left out, and out of place with my peers. I consider myself a lesbian, but I feel like I'm a dude in a messed up body. I most certainly don't want to have a sex re-assignment. I don't want to deal with doctors again. I don't want to be alienated again. I would have to turn my life upside down. Besides men's restrooms are gross. Sorry just had to vent.

Strangely though I have this perception or belief in my mind that even if I do date a woman I would feel like I am not worthy. She will be dating a charlatan. She could be with a "real" woman or man and not have to "settle" for me. This kind of thinking is not helpful nor positive. I know I deserve to be happy but these negative, freakish, unworthy thoughts are running through my head.

This was brought up because I found out that an acquaintance of mine is lez, and I was too much of a chicken to ask if she was str8 or not. I hesitated because I didn't want to look like a fool, and afraid. I was afraid that maybe she and I would have dated, and she would have found out about my condition (MGD) and she would reject me. I assumed a lot of things and now she is in a relationship. I missed my chance. But no need to beat myself up though. But this still doesn't change the fact that I'm somewhat heartbroken. I haven't felt like this since high school and I'm 28.

I dont feel like I love myself enough. I can't understand why I have never had a relationship. I'm scared of getting hurt, betrayed, and rejected. How can I surpass and over these fears? I actually feel like I am always mad at the world. I envy "regular" people. They dont know that they have it so good!!!!

Any thoughts or ideas anyone?

Thanks,

Su

suhuyenbi@<hidden>

[Aseras]

In many ways I know how you feel. I feel the same way. At least with MGD you are "normal" looking, and probably had a normal childhood. ( I usually get yelled at by other for making an assumption so please don't be offended if I'm wrong ).

I also agree with you on men's restrooms. I avoid using any restroom in public if at all possible. Using a urinal for me is pretty much impossible, so I always needs to sit and well, guys are just gross.

Anyways, back on topic. I didn't date until I was 27. I didn't go looking for anyone, she found me and asked me out. She had no idea what she was getting into and I was vulnerable since I had just quit several years of testosterone trying to shore myself up as a guy and decided it was a epic failure. Much of my life has/had been trying to live up to what I have been labeled or told I was. Even now that my girlfriend and I have been together for nearly 5 years, I have no confidence. Even though she knows everything now, it makes some situations very awkward. She has seen the changes in me, been to the doctors visits and been by my side when I've been in the hospital. Even through all that she still doesn't understand. She never will. Normal people just have no way to relate. She isn't comfortable with me and I have always told her she should find a real guy to be with, not someone like me. She is very susceptible to her peers and in many ways is afraid someone at work will find out about me and look down on her. In that regard, I totally identify with you. We work at the same place and she see the great lengths I go to to hide how I look and what I am. She knows how shy I am and she has been a great enabler for me, and has gotten me to go out and do things with others socially. Something I'd never have done before.

I don't know if there is really any way to get over the fear or the reality of you are what you are. You can change it, or hide from it, hate it, or accept it. I think in many ways for the intersexed ( and transexuals ) we are some of the very very few people who really look into ourselves and learn who we really are. Most people blindly accept it at face value. Ultimately one could change and become whatever you wanted to be, if you have the courage and the support or the will to do it.

There's nothing I wouldn't give to be a normal regular ignorant person though. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy or anyone.

[Dianne]

There's nothing I wouldn't give to be a normal regular ignorant person though. I wouldn't wish this upon my worst enemy or anyone.

So very true!

I am very open about my medical past, most of my friends know, so when someone is whining about some little thing like periods or PMS I remind them it is a blessing, that some of us would have given ANYTHING to be normal and to have the opportunity to be a mother (or a father).

[Anis789]

You all touch me deeply

OP I too epathise with how you feel dear. I am 24 and I never had anyone as a gf. My phentype is male, with a high voice, and thank goodness i now have a belly bccoz it looked strange - flat stomach slim guy with with breasts.

Don't go looking for love, don't let it be your all, be you. I used to cry myself to sleep evry night - nobdoy wants to be with my small pennis, I used to want the primary teacher to do stuff on carrpet i had early sex drive. I cried to sleep over girl when i was 8, she bullied me so much i loved anad hated her. I realised it was just an obession and cut her out of my life. I went to small specail school we were all like family. It was when i went to mainstream at age 15 there it said f to read m 1988 so i was a f for 1st year of life it messed me up. i so wanted to get laid had crush on the best blonde, i harasssed my peers err am a freak guess wot the counsellor sed, i really love you be my gf. at colleg i got sexual text, and was pushed to send photo of penis wich i did. it hurt that i was called a freak but no longer bothers me. since then only girl to care was chinese and we did chat online, by text and on phone but no longer do.

hers how i deal with it now, be opne to the max, next year at uni i wana go all over uk giving talks so i dont get laid i dont ccare not real all about sex but might get some through intrest. yeah i wish i had someone but intersex are my family and you gotta be happy n love yourself before you share with another.

sorry to rambleaint posted in ages and i been feeling alone.


Replyer 1, cheers not late for me to have my first relatioship :) your got good looks, i dont blame my penis for being single maybe am just not good looking lol


closing words; love comes from within, its when you depend on others that it hurts when they crush you.