living intersexed

[cougar9q]

This is incoherent......so I hope that you can see the point.


I don't want to deal with this! I don't want to choose. I don't want to conform! I desire to retain my intersexual identity. What if someone told you that you were the most awesome person in the world? What if someone said that you would be a better person if you were to choose a side? What side am I speaking of? Male or Female. I can't choose my gender/and sex, better yet, I do not want to have to choose, and I do not like it that you are making me choose. It is so frustrating for me what kinds of illogical demands that people put on us. Does any one have an idea much similiar or much different?


Thanx,
Monica

[Peter]

Arrg. I just lost everything that I wrote by pushing the wrong key...... I like want you are saying. I often feel that society puts pressure on people to conform to really rigid ideas of gender identity and sexual orientation. At one time, I read several books about transsexuality. As the trans world is heavily involved in the medical profession, there are all kinds of psychological evaluations that one has to go through prior to a sex change operation. Somehow, liking to play with dolls is a female sign, and playing baseball or whatever is a male sign. It made me want to puke. If I have problems with the way that gender identity confines people, my problem is far deeper than whether I wanted to play with dolls as a boy.

Once on LSD, I was sitting in a cafe with two women. One of the women was fairly masculine looking. As I looked at her face through a psychedelic haze, her gender seemed to melt away. Then, I turned and looked at all of the other people in the cafe, and I could not determine their gender. Their faces were distinct, but lacking the gender signs that guide my mind on an everyday basis. They all had an otherworldly androgynous beauty. I felt a great sense of peace, like something that I often worry about is not really important. I must have been in that state for about ten minutes, totally fascinated by my temporary ability to see past my everyday limitations.

In the early 20th century, there was some talk about the human brain being built up of distinct components. There was a lower "reptilian brain", and a higher "mammalian brain". I know that this is something of a metaphor, but I have often wondered if gender identity is something associated with the "mammalian brain" and not as fundamental and unchanging as people like to think. Sometimes, I think that real genderbending is associated with the "reptilian brain".

Peter

[Jules]

My lesson is simple: You cannot cure every disease and disorder, but EVERY life can be healed.

I talk to people imprisoned in bodies and situations they had no control over, Yet they live healed lives. A prisoner writes,"I used to get up each day condemmed to prison and condemned to die. Now I get up each day to live" he spends day after day breaking concrete with a sledgehammer, but he has made in commitment to confront his fears, and to battle for peace of mind. Healing, then, is of the mind not the body. How do you heal your life if you have AIDS or cancer, or some type of diffrence that makes your body unquie or unsightly? The answer lies in living fully in the momment and letting your disease or your diffrence become the teacher.

A parable I like, tells of a wild uncontrolable genie who is outsmarted by a very brave young woman. After rebottleing the wily genie, she thinks it over, and decides to release him again and trust in her ability to deal with his unknown powers. In the end the genie and the young woman became great friends. He gives her a magic cloth that can turn metal into silver and heal all wounds. The young woman becomes one of the words great healers.

Healing then is a work of darkness. It happens not when we go north south east west, but in that fifth direction: INSIDE We can turn to what frightens us -our genie- and say, "Why are you here?" Why do you threaten me?" what can I learn form you?" Or as in the story of JOB, " He delivers the afflicted by their afflictions." Nothing can be a match for your inner strength!!!

[Jules]

WAIVER

I understand that during the course of my life I will be required
to make many important decisions, such as, whom I want or don't
want to live with, where I work, How much fun I have, how much love is in my life, and how I spend my money and time, including how much time I spend waiting for thing to get better and people to change.
I understand that many events will occur that will be out of my
hands and that there are real dangers and inherent risks in all
the choices I make. This life and people have no obligation whatsoever to live up to my exspectations; I have no obligation to live up to the expectations of others, including my faimly and loved ones.
---------------------------------------------------
Life is a short, dangerous, high-risk sport, and I may become injured or killed along the way.
--------------------------------------------------------
I agree that all choices I make are mine and mine alone, including how I handle the people who care about me and the events that are out of my control.

I hereby forfit my right to act like a victim, including my right to blame, complain, and whine or hold someone else responsible for the path I choose to take.
I am totaly responsible for the people I brought in, or pushed out of my life.
I hold myself accountable for my participation -or lack of it- in life.
And I take responsibility for the outcomes and consequences of all the decisions I make, understanding that it is ultimately my choice whether I become happy, joyous and free, or stay miserable and trapped.
Although people may love me, I alone must love myself and take care of myself the best i can.

Signed:____________________
Dated:____________________

[Jules]

When I go to book stores I often look though the self-help section.
I see titles from lowering stress, handling anxiety, raising esteem, learning optimism, managing mood, and more. Oh..so many more. Not far for this section was a book on how to find your soul mate sitting right next to a book on why you should fully appreciate single life.


Actually, I don't think the books are the problem. the problem
is people are not encouraged to think.

People think that there is always a quick cure, a one size fit solution to any problem.
That simply is not true. None the less people think problems can be solved in the fast lane. It just is so appealing to think we can get away from doing the self-work that takes time, honesty, and effort. It is not easy keeping youreslf on the right path.

After looking at all thoughs self-help books, I need a break.
I looked in the poetry section at volumes capable of making
hair stand on your body. I read about the Titanic, a terrible disaster, suffering and sorrow, heartbreaking!
I picked up something new. A art book that looked like little doors and stuided the sultry pictures of the french Quarters. I felt like I could breath again.
There are times we all need a little help. Certainly a second opinon is a good thing to ask, or read, if you are at a crossroad and don't know what way to go.

But I worry that people don't understand how much they already know and if they would give them self a psychic pick axe they could uncover a lot of intuitive wisdom.
When it comes to the things that matter the most, there are no
shortcuts. True enlightenment comes frome not when we go Inside ourselves. All of us have abilities that we never tap into, work that we can do and must do ourselves in order to scratch our greatest ich. it is our job to find the unique pegs that fit in our unique hole.
Remember the operative word in self-help is,

"self"

[Sunshine1]

I take what I need from the female gender and the male gender and thus I have me : )

If I try to act just in the female gender my feedback from the everyday people that I meet is negative because they have a sense that something is off. People will straight out say "Why are you acting like that ?" "Are you drugged? " and this one which is my favorite and made me stop trying to be anything but just me "You sound scripted" and that one was from a guy that liked when I was me - Which is for the most part female identified but with some male gender frosting.

Also, when I tried to act just more mannish that didn't work either- it just wasn't me. But when both parts are together the feedback from people is that "I glow" and that I relate better to them and that they relate better to me.

I don't like the word unique but some have called me "cool" for being like this and others have called me odd. But most say that is just Aimee and a mixture of both genders which changes on any given day is me. I do lean more toward the female side but I don't think that has anything to do with my female chromosomes and I just don't hold on tight to gender roles but I do respect that other people do. I get a kick out of how much during the day other people make reference to my female gender. "ThankYou, Miss" "Let me take that for you, girl" They are just being polite and trying to get along in the world.

I don't think that anyone should have to outright choose a gender : ) I like them both at different times for different reasons.

It's time to go muck out the horse stalls, fix a leaky drain, and then get my nails done.

Good Luck,

Aimee

[Dana Gold]

I was intrigued by Jules's reference to a psychic pick axe. And it is a useful "tool" indeed. However other methodolgies to remove "life's barnacles" exist, one which I propose for you later in this this post, after I have related some "prologue". A method that may allow you to gently scour away life's " rusted deposits", which I think you may have instead of crusted barnacles. We have lived our individual lives in this world for years and decades under the influence of what has been ingrained into us as how " we should be "for our own good" or "to be normal" Such are rooted in concepts contrary to the truth of Life. For millenia all people have been taught that salvation exists outside of oneself, that we are lesser beings to a "higher authority" whether it be a deity, government, or society in general. It's as if we are to be subservient to, not in harmony with such "higher" things that is the order of the day. Such a belief system originated from the desire of humankind believing that "correct and control" will bring about an "orderly world". That security and conformity equals happiness. And for that we are left with the uniform and socially acceptable mindset that other people and situations define who we are leaving us vulnerable, unhappy, and at the whim of whatever is going on around us. One must make a "self-declaration of independance" from such self-limiting belief systems. . . We make choices in life that stem from a "base" of how we feel about ourselves at any given time. And so how we feel influences our judgement, how we see things in life and ourselves, and how we react to it all. So how may one liberate oneself from various rust deposits that tarnishe our lives and minds?
One (and not the only) way:
Take time to reflect on the inner core of yourself...not Monica the male or female, the American, the secretary, with blond hair or whatever. Lay down comfortably and "float" with rhythmical breathing in a room that is subdued in light and sound.....maybe put on tape of the ocean or trees rustling in the wind. Focus on something beautiful in nature. , and take your thoughts somewhere else, away from problems, what you did or what someone did to you...Try to connect to yourself in a way that is almost a meditative state. Look inward and do not be afraid of what you may see, or sense. And just meld with your spirit....no choice about it, just "breathe in" the real you. Let your mind and spirit find it's own path, let tears flow if it happens , for tears may be happy or sad, just as laughter may be scornful or joyful.."take a bath" in this found self and soak in it all in....the real you, temporarily free of outer influences. Absorb what you sense, whether you feel it be good or bad, for bad things can be good things and good things be bad, BECAUSE you have the power to transform them to the way you want....not eradicate them, but change their influence.....energy is always in flux and can be transformed , as feeling and thoughts can be.

What I shared with you may allow you to develop your own self-affirmation and transform the negative energy that has influenced your life from without and perpetuated itself within. And which may have caused you to feel robbed of your freedom to be just you.
We may not be able to change all in the world BUT we have the innate abilty to embrace the reality of our own lives and live the way we wish to, change what we feel needs changing, and leave alone that which is best left untouched.
And it is all done Naturally.
The answer to the quest or question of one's self is found within one's 'heart' and spirit , not from the artificiality of the alternate "lifestyle" that we see in the "modern world"

Be the Captain of your own Ship, Monica, noone else is more qualified.

"The cougar survives through it's strength; the butterfly survives through it's beauty, grace, and the ability to FLY"... the cougar fights and wins, and the butterfly is free".............my saying

"Freedom is that instant between when someone tells you to do something and when you decide how to respond."
-Dr. Jeffrey Borenstein