Morgan
05-08-05, 09:33 AM
Okay, so I've been trying to put a brave face on things, but I am such a mess. I've mentioned some of this in a previous post but writing about it in more detail is helping me a little...
I had surgery in December 2003 to reduce gynaecomastia associated with hypogonadism, diagnosed the year before. Usually, gynaecomastia seems to be a little thing, with a tiny incision. For the typical adolescent who goes through the surgery, this might be true. But I was 37 and quite a lot bigger.
A mammogram test result said "prominent gynaecomastia, benign findings".
An oncology-specialist breast surgeon who I was mistakenly referred to said "that's not gynaecomastia, those are breasts, a B or possibly a C cup". He referred me to a plastic surgeon.
Both plastic surgeons that I've seen have said my condition was "severe".
... well, at the point at which I sought surgery, I was still growing. I'm not overweight, so it was very obvious without some form of compression. I was beginning to be concerned about where things might lead (my mother is much bigger, a [UK size] FF), and my partner hated it. He was also the one who made me seek the original diagnosis.
What really clinched the decision was advice that I had from two urologists to have an orchidectomy - due to atrophy, pain and future risk. I got a second opinion before consenting... Are intra-abdominal testes always removed?
Anyway, it felt like this was going to end my relationship if I didn't do something about the gynaecomastia. I was moving too far from "normal male".
So, I believed that I'd agreed a ~50% size reduction with the plastic surgeon. I didn't want to change who I am. I actually put this in writing, and got a written acknowledgement from the surgeon.
He performed a "Benelli" reduction - with scars all around the edge of each areola. Taking the dressings off after the surgery, he proudly told me that he "aggressively removed the glandular tissue". 350g of it, a little more than the volume of a coke can. The bill described the surgery as a mastectomy.
To my eyes, I had huge flat areolas, but flabby and saggy below. The surgeon hadn't done what was agreed, and I'm still not sure if it was forgetfulness or disbelief. He pretty much aimed for a typical "male" result. I've been in counselling regularly since.
Within a week (a very difficult week) I was booked in for a follow up surgery, at no cost to me, to improve the appearance of what was left. This surgery did improve things, a little, but I now have vertical scars beneath the areola. Around 22cm of scars in total. I also have a "dog ear" on one side and a "sling" on the other, both the result of surplus skin.
Fast forward a year, and my partner of 6.5 years ends the relationship. A combination of guilt and a feeling that I'll never be normal. He joined a gay rugby football team a few months beforehand. Go figure...
So, I've no partner, no nipple sensitivity, no libido, and I no longer feel like myself, let alone fit a physical description of a normal male.
I don't actually care about being a "normal male" - I'm not sure that ever did, except that I cared about the feelings of people close to me. I care about trying to feel comfortable in my own skin. It's taken me a long time to get ok about feeling this way, and to stop apologising for being different.
And I suppose I'm still angry about the breast surgery. Doctors, it seems, have a hard time understanding patients who don't expect to fit the norm. I find it very difficult to talk with my ex at all, and I'm being very lax with the testosterone replacement treatment.
In some ways, I'm still surprised about _which_ of the surgeries has really got to me. I suppose, as Dana has written in one of her posts, it's possible to differentiate medically necessary surgery from a cosmetic, socially-necessary one.
Some discussions with my counsellor led me, indirectly, here. A couple of you have been very welcoming, and I thank you for that :) I could do with it, and I hope that I can reciprocate.
M
I had surgery in December 2003 to reduce gynaecomastia associated with hypogonadism, diagnosed the year before. Usually, gynaecomastia seems to be a little thing, with a tiny incision. For the typical adolescent who goes through the surgery, this might be true. But I was 37 and quite a lot bigger.
A mammogram test result said "prominent gynaecomastia, benign findings".
An oncology-specialist breast surgeon who I was mistakenly referred to said "that's not gynaecomastia, those are breasts, a B or possibly a C cup". He referred me to a plastic surgeon.
Both plastic surgeons that I've seen have said my condition was "severe".
... well, at the point at which I sought surgery, I was still growing. I'm not overweight, so it was very obvious without some form of compression. I was beginning to be concerned about where things might lead (my mother is much bigger, a [UK size] FF), and my partner hated it. He was also the one who made me seek the original diagnosis.
What really clinched the decision was advice that I had from two urologists to have an orchidectomy - due to atrophy, pain and future risk. I got a second opinion before consenting... Are intra-abdominal testes always removed?
Anyway, it felt like this was going to end my relationship if I didn't do something about the gynaecomastia. I was moving too far from "normal male".
So, I believed that I'd agreed a ~50% size reduction with the plastic surgeon. I didn't want to change who I am. I actually put this in writing, and got a written acknowledgement from the surgeon.
He performed a "Benelli" reduction - with scars all around the edge of each areola. Taking the dressings off after the surgery, he proudly told me that he "aggressively removed the glandular tissue". 350g of it, a little more than the volume of a coke can. The bill described the surgery as a mastectomy.
To my eyes, I had huge flat areolas, but flabby and saggy below. The surgeon hadn't done what was agreed, and I'm still not sure if it was forgetfulness or disbelief. He pretty much aimed for a typical "male" result. I've been in counselling regularly since.
Within a week (a very difficult week) I was booked in for a follow up surgery, at no cost to me, to improve the appearance of what was left. This surgery did improve things, a little, but I now have vertical scars beneath the areola. Around 22cm of scars in total. I also have a "dog ear" on one side and a "sling" on the other, both the result of surplus skin.
Fast forward a year, and my partner of 6.5 years ends the relationship. A combination of guilt and a feeling that I'll never be normal. He joined a gay rugby football team a few months beforehand. Go figure...
So, I've no partner, no nipple sensitivity, no libido, and I no longer feel like myself, let alone fit a physical description of a normal male.
I don't actually care about being a "normal male" - I'm not sure that ever did, except that I cared about the feelings of people close to me. I care about trying to feel comfortable in my own skin. It's taken me a long time to get ok about feeling this way, and to stop apologising for being different.
And I suppose I'm still angry about the breast surgery. Doctors, it seems, have a hard time understanding patients who don't expect to fit the norm. I find it very difficult to talk with my ex at all, and I'm being very lax with the testosterone replacement treatment.
In some ways, I'm still surprised about _which_ of the surgeries has really got to me. I suppose, as Dana has written in one of her posts, it's possible to differentiate medically necessary surgery from a cosmetic, socially-necessary one.
Some discussions with my counsellor led me, indirectly, here. A couple of you have been very welcoming, and I thank you for that :) I could do with it, and I hope that I can reciprocate.
M