Wyn
05-09-05, 07:45 PM
I just bought a digital camera. I now KNOW that I cannot achieve that which I had hoped to – to become the woman that I born as, and was supposed to develop into. It has become painfully obvious that my skeleton has become far too masculinized, particularly the head, to make any transition viable or worthwhile.
This is ALL due to the malicious, arrogant, and brutal actions taken by the doctors, so many years ago. They just HAD to try out their new ideas and techniques on me – when else would such a set of circumstances (a true hermaphrodite being put up for adoption) occur again?
I am now a ‘masculine’ hermaphrodite that has been mutilated such that I cannot respond sexually as a male due to my recent feminine maturation, but I can as a female, just only in an extremely limited fashion – wholly due to the mutilation that I was subjected to. I ‘look’ male, but feel and respond as a female. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was a younger, but, at the age of 50, the entire justification for transitioning becomes moot.
The saddest, most horrific part is that I KNEW what I was (female) when I was 20 (even before), but these feelings had be ignored as my ‘father’ would not permit me to challenge my assignment, and to further this action, refused to tell me ANYTHING about what was done to me – he too is a FUCKING ASSHOLE – just like the doctors that did this to me!
I’d like to have a relationship, but that is near impossible to achieve due to the ‘freak’ value of my body as it is now. My skeleton is primarily masculine, but my soft tissue is primarily feminine – I have the head and limbs and voice of a ‘man’, but the torso of a woman. No woman would want a ‘man’ who cannot ‘perform’ as one, nor looks like one naked, and no gay woman would want a ‘woman’, that looks and sounds like a man! Sexually speaking, I truly am a NOTHING.
And I will have NOTHING to do with MEN – in simple terms, they are primitive, aggressive, vicious, violent, and brutal animals – nothing more than primitive quasi-intelligent anthropoids. Truthfully, males, and the Y chromosome, are simply tragically mutated ‘females/X chromosome’, such that they cannot bear (or care about) children – but they sure can rape and kill them, can’t they? And in GREAT NUMBERS, I might add.
Simply put, if you got rid of all the men in the world, you’d solve 95% of the world’s problems. It’s bad enough that I can’t stand them, but to top it off, I Look like one, and am forced to ‘live’ and work as one, just to pay the bills – that had come about strictly due to the male assignment that was forced on me at six months old.
The only way that I will achieve a sense of peace in my life is to end it. I am not in any way even remotely accepting about what was done to me, or my assignment, particularly the reasons, justifications, brainwashing and lies that were perpetrated against my infant body and mind - all because I did not fit the ‘norm’.
Through my death is the only way that I can come to grips with their actions, and the resultant mutilation and mutation of my body into something it was never meant to be. It will also be the only way that I will KNOW EXACTLY what they did to me. This alone is reason enough to end my existence in this vicious and brutal world, made as such due to the dominant (primitive and myopic) monotheistic and patriarchal world view.
I don’t know, nor will I say, where or when I will choose this path. All I’ll say is that it should come as no surprise when it does occur.
This is ALL due to the malicious, arrogant, and brutal actions taken by the doctors, so many years ago. They just HAD to try out their new ideas and techniques on me – when else would such a set of circumstances (a true hermaphrodite being put up for adoption) occur again?
I am now a ‘masculine’ hermaphrodite that has been mutilated such that I cannot respond sexually as a male due to my recent feminine maturation, but I can as a female, just only in an extremely limited fashion – wholly due to the mutilation that I was subjected to. I ‘look’ male, but feel and respond as a female. It wouldn’t be so bad if I was a younger, but, at the age of 50, the entire justification for transitioning becomes moot.
The saddest, most horrific part is that I KNEW what I was (female) when I was 20 (even before), but these feelings had be ignored as my ‘father’ would not permit me to challenge my assignment, and to further this action, refused to tell me ANYTHING about what was done to me – he too is a FUCKING ASSHOLE – just like the doctors that did this to me!
I’d like to have a relationship, but that is near impossible to achieve due to the ‘freak’ value of my body as it is now. My skeleton is primarily masculine, but my soft tissue is primarily feminine – I have the head and limbs and voice of a ‘man’, but the torso of a woman. No woman would want a ‘man’ who cannot ‘perform’ as one, nor looks like one naked, and no gay woman would want a ‘woman’, that looks and sounds like a man! Sexually speaking, I truly am a NOTHING.
And I will have NOTHING to do with MEN – in simple terms, they are primitive, aggressive, vicious, violent, and brutal animals – nothing more than primitive quasi-intelligent anthropoids. Truthfully, males, and the Y chromosome, are simply tragically mutated ‘females/X chromosome’, such that they cannot bear (or care about) children – but they sure can rape and kill them, can’t they? And in GREAT NUMBERS, I might add.
Simply put, if you got rid of all the men in the world, you’d solve 95% of the world’s problems. It’s bad enough that I can’t stand them, but to top it off, I Look like one, and am forced to ‘live’ and work as one, just to pay the bills – that had come about strictly due to the male assignment that was forced on me at six months old.
The only way that I will achieve a sense of peace in my life is to end it. I am not in any way even remotely accepting about what was done to me, or my assignment, particularly the reasons, justifications, brainwashing and lies that were perpetrated against my infant body and mind - all because I did not fit the ‘norm’.
Through my death is the only way that I can come to grips with their actions, and the resultant mutilation and mutation of my body into something it was never meant to be. It will also be the only way that I will KNOW EXACTLY what they did to me. This alone is reason enough to end my existence in this vicious and brutal world, made as such due to the dominant (primitive and myopic) monotheistic and patriarchal world view.
I don’t know, nor will I say, where or when I will choose this path. All I’ll say is that it should come as no surprise when it does occur.