Schooling

[Roxy]

Hi Everyone

This is my first post on the site, although I've been looking over lots of the information & other postings which has been very enlightening. I'm hoping to get some advice! A friend recently diagnosed with depression has a 4 year old boy who is intersexed. He's due to start school in September and because of her problems I've agreed to look after him for a few months. He has external male genitalia and has been gender assigned male but has internal female genitalia. I've looked after him many times before but am concerned about sending him to school - should I tell the teachers about his condition? I know how hard starting school is for everybody - fitting in etc. and I just don't want to make things harder for him. Does anyone have any advice?

[Fee]

Welcome to BLO,Roxy! :wavey:

Good question Roxy and I'm not sure a clear-cut answer is possible. In my experience pointing out the problem to teaching staff when there is no obvious outward sign of being different might only make those involved in his care more curious and in my opinion this can create problems for children fitting in...My own little girl, in fact, has normal external genitalia (this has now been clarified as being 'within range') but seems to have some problem with her bladder and urethral exit. Initially, I told those in the school involved in her care, but now regret doing this. I think what I would do is tell teaching staff as little as possible if it is not necessary. If/when there is some medical problem which necessitates the need for informing his carers, then I would broach the subject, but only with his immediate carers, ie., only those who NEED to know.

Best wishes to the little boy and his mother.
Take care,

Fee

PS Where in London are you? PM me if you like.

[MelissP]

Hello Roxy,

I really can't avoid the feeling that your friend has made a horrible
and tragic decision which ought to be reversed now before the child's
life becomes a aweful torment.

Though if I were to openly stress it too much, I risk running over the
feelings of others here who'd just /loved/ their testosterone injected
masculinity.

And it would be difficult for me to distinguish advice useful to others
via the wisdom my 1'st person experiences, from the numerous scars
and nightmares of a childhood spent in hell.

[Sofie]

Hi Roxy,
If there aren't any medical or practical issues, I feel it's best not to tell them, because they don't need to know. Otherwise I would try to talk to the schoolmaster first, so she or he can place the child with a teacher who can handle difficult situations, should those arise. In this case it may be best to let an intersexed person do the explaining.
Sofie

[Peter]

Hi Roxy,

Welcome to Bodies Like Ours. I would not tell the school anything about the child's intersex condition. As you are a temporary caretaker of the child, if the mother of the child finds out that you went and told school authorities about her intersex child that could easily lead to future bitterness between the two of you. I would leave any immediate decision about revealing the child's intersex status to the mother. I believe that parents should be totally honest with their intersex children, but beyond that I believe that we should be given our own chance to decide to whom we reveal our intersex status. I still resent the fact that my little brother, on several occasions, revealed my intersex status to other kids when I was young.

Peter

[Betsy]

Hi Roxy,

I would not rush towards sharing with the school the child's IS status. I'm not sure that it is even yours to share.

You didn't share a whole lot but I am wondering for instance, is the kid able to go to the bathroom by himself? If not, that may be a reason you would need to say something but if he can, why would it be important for others to know?

Does he have behavior problems that may arise and in doing so, they would somehow reveal his intersex status?

Is he aware of his own IS status? That's probably more important than worrying about other people knowing. Even worse is if he is not clued in and others know. He'll pick up on that pretty quickly.

Like Melissa, I'm wondering how it is he is being raised male with female internal organs? Most historical research out there indicates that often fails with horrible results. What type of intersex does he have?

No matter what you choose to do, your nurturing, love, and honesty will be the best things you can share with him.

Betsy