Introduction

[Julie]

This is my first time on and I am not sure how to proceed. Much has changed in my life recently. My partner of 10 years left me (which I am still getting used to) However much good has come out of it. As a result of this I have found my older sister. We go to Buddhist temple together and I am learning to be a sister. I had corrective surgery about 11 years ago, but as a result of meeting my sister I am finding out much more about myself both physically and emotionally...some good. Some bad (such as medical problems that run in the family). I was always ashamed to talk to anyone about my medical history. When I first went to my current general practitioner I got "not much is written about people like you." How encouraging. Meeting my older sister has turned my life around. For the first time in my life I have been able to be open about my background, about being raised as a female first and then a male until I was able to take countrol of my life myself. My sister encouraged me to strike out and meet others so I would not think of myself as alone in the world with my past.
Julie

[Betsy]

Hi Julie,

Welcome to the Bodies Like Ours community. I'm happy you have found us.

There's a bunch of wonderful people here and I am sure you will find others like yourself to talk and share with. Your story isn't much different than that of many of us---too much isolation, shame, and secrecy throughout our childhoods and life.

The good has come from your discoveries is such a wonderful thing. I'm know you will find openness, welcoming arms, and many compassionate listeners here.

Betsy

PS...If you ever have a concern about something on the bodies community, have suggestions, or want to contribute something, let me know by sending email to me. You can do it right from the message board area or by visiting our contact info (http://www.bodieslikeours.org/whoweare/bios.html) page.

[Julie]

Hi Betsy,

It has been a bit difficult lately, which is why I am on the computer this late. My newly discovered sister is the dearest thing in my life but she cant live my life for me can she? As a result of her encouragement I have been able to "come out" twice. Once when I married another woman and again after she left me to quit hiding my past. She would always refuse to talk about it. Grandmother use to say if you cant laugh you would cry. At first I used to wonder what I must have done in my past life to deserve such a condition...however I have come to see it...in part...as a necessary step to be a sister. I used to cry about it. I am learning to laugh. She was a bit shocked at first when I referred to myself as a reformed little miss half and half. I told her I have been called MUCH worse by people. Sort of like using the term dyke to take the power out of it. She was a bit leary of a new sister that is a lesbian but we are learning more about each other every day. Thanks for the welcome.

[beach]

hi julie .welcome,there are great peolpe here . and a lot to learn ....beach

[Betsy]

Happy Birthday!

Have a great one.

Betsy

[Julie]

Thanks,

Actually being a whole woman and finding my sister has allowed me to discover one of the joys of womanhood I am not sure what to do about. My sister and I love each other but the problem is she has grown up with another woman next door and been friends with her all her life. My sister and I both love this woman as a sister. However, lately she has gotten very jealous, feels as iif I am trying to take my sister away from her and has quit talking to either of us. We both tell this woman we love her but she will have none of it. It seems as if she will not be happy until she succeeds in driving a wedge between us, which will never happen. So what should I do to handle the jealousy?

[beach]

I hate jealousy . try send'n your sis over to talk to this freind , she should let her know that blood is blood,and as a freind she should get to know you ,talk out the feelings....if it erupts if you are freinds, you should be able to work it out..it might bring you all together!!!!beach

[Julie]

Actually we have already tried this with her...I arranged things so we could all go out to dinner together. We both told this friend that we lover her..she is our sister to us. For some reason that does not seem to be good enough for her. I have told her over and over that I did not come along to replace her in my sister's heart. My sister has told her this. She has told her that she loves her, I have told her that I love her. She broke off contact with us finally for the strangest of reasons. I was at a benefit for a church. I have been honest with all of the people in this group about my medical past. This took alot of courage for me and I was only able to do it due to my sister's influence. I no sooner walk into the room than the person standing next to me looks at me and shouts at the room (keeping in mind I had my nicest dress on at that point) IS THIS A MAN?! Needless to say I was not pleased. I went to the ladies room, gathered myself together and quietly left, telling a friend where I was going. Sister's friend (call her Ms. L) Later calls me and I tell her to leave it be and let it die a quiet death. She stirs up trouble anyway and ends up blaming me for taking offense to her friend who Has been a hermaphrodite for the last 150 years, wrote the gay bill of rights and is actually Gloria Steinem in disguise...okay so I exagerated but that is how the conversation went. She proceeds to psychoanalyze me on the phone and tell me the help she feels I should get to adjust to the way she wants me to behave. Between the jealousy and this thing neither of us know what to do about this dear friend we love. Why does she behave like this?

[Glenn]

Yeah Julie, some people can be completely out to lunch when it comes to dealing with any kind of unusual condition. It sucks when that happens.

After a long bout of surgery, some no-doubt-well-meaning person from my church smiled and said how "nice it will be when you can forget about all this." Short of a severe lobotomy, I doubt that will occur...

After observing such behavior for many moons, I can only conclude that many people are so threatened by any possibility that they will have to deal with somebody "different" that they revert to the most primitive defensive behavior they can find.

Glenn

[Dandara]

Your sister was correct about finding others, and I hope Bodies Like Ours will be a source of information, strength and comfort to you.

Uh... aren't there some sayings that apply here...

"With friends like that, you don't need enemies."

"Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other is gold."

Ms. L doesn't sound like a very good friend, neighbor or churchmate. Insecure, biased, unfeeling, manipulative... those seem more appropriate.

A most basic theme in our world is that we try to be what everyone else wants/expects us to be. When we try to break away from that, we shatter many worlds. A big however is that when we do this, we finally find peace with ourselves.

Unless Ms L. wants to live your life, I'd tell her to mind her own backyard and be a good friend by supporting both you and your sister. I would shelter myself from someone like her. She doesn't seem like she'd be very good about keeping confidentiality either, and she may not bring anything to your life that a friend should.

[Dandara]

Thanks for the LOL re: a severe lobotomy.
So very true.
I guess it's a good thing surgeons took over instead of shock treatment experts. We could all be people with our original bodies, but fried brain matter. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if that actually was tried at some point.

So little faith in the medical community... I wonder why.

[Natasha]

I agree with the advice that Dandara and Glenn have given you.

I would not want someone like that as a friend. I think people who get all weird about us are just insecure. Fear takes over, and both their common sense and decency, gets left behind.

Julie I have a feeling that you will meet every challenge well, because you are wise enough to seek out others for feedback and support.

All the best, and welcome!

[Julie]

Thanks for your replies Glenn, Dandara and Natasha...

By the way everyone is reacting you would thing that they were the one that went through all this. Glenn I too have gotten the "put it all behind you" thing...Many of the crude comments that I got at work (I kept the same job...I had no intention of giving up 70K plus for small minds) were of this nature. When Ms. L started in recently on a little spiel that began..."well we sat down and I told you in another life perhaps we could be together..." The problem, I told my therapist is that many of the straight women I meet seem to feel that Non-practicing lesbian or no, I am going to grab them by the ankles and drag them under the stall in the ladies room. As my therapist said of Ms. L...(jokingly, she too is a lesbian) "the problem with straight women is they are offended by the lesbianism but they still want the attention. There seems, according to my sister, to be a bit of truth in this in Ms. L's case. (at least the wants the attention part). Now a good friend of mine has told me that Ms. L is going around to all of my friends telling everyone ....ahem...stories...about what I am supposed to have said (none of it true). If this is how she treats someone she says she loves how does she treat someone she hates. There seems to be no end to this. All I ever wanted was a oridinary, normal life...family, friends and a little girl to raise. I dont seem to be able to get any of it. Now Ms. L seems determined to try and drive a wedge between my sister and I. As I have only known this woman was my sister for the last 2 months I am still new to the sister thing. As my sister told me "you have alot to learn about being a sister..." How true. I was sure that I would lose my new sister to all this. God bless my sister's heart I found out different. One good thing that has arisen out of all this nonsense...recently...partner walking out on me after 10 years...is finding my sister. Real family again. We have compared stories and what I have gone through and she said the problem with being a woman is womanhood doesn't come with an owners manual. It seems new sister designs web sites for a living. I have written a book so...we decided to write an owners manual...getting as many women interested as we can. Some good reception some bad. In the mean time I am about out of tears over the Ms. L. thing.

[Victoria]

Julie,

I am so glad you found this board. As you may have already figured out, people here are very supportive. Sounds like you are going through a lot right now with Ms. (I forgot the initial we were using). If I could offer you any advise and please don't get offended it would be don't get involved romantically with straight women or bi-curious ones for that matter. As a lesbian myself, I can tell you these things, right??!!

Okay, well, my current girlfriend of over a year says that she is bisexual. We've both been in relationships with both women and men before. I consider myself a lesbian and she says she is bisexual. Whatever. I know it is an identity (and one that I take very seriously) but it's also only another label. What is important is that one's partner is honest and even if they are not out as a lesbian, they are comfortable being in a lesbian relationship.

As far as your situation goes, I have found it impossible (or very nearly so) to be friends with straight women that I am also in love with. I always wind up getting really hurt when I am feeling like I am getting mixed messages ("I love you too but I just don't want to sleep with you") Or even worse, they do sleep with me but cannot committ to a relationship. Or the worst is when they start to date a guy and then you're completely out of the picture.

Maybe this is not your situation (exactly) and you want to remain friends with this woman but just be careful. She sounds very manipulative in trying to drive a wedge between you and your sister. If she was truly a friend to you both, she would want the best for you. She would celebrate your finding one another instead of getting jealous and resenting your closeness.

Take care & welcome.

Victoria

[Julie at work]

Hi Victoria:

Actually there is a bit of confusion (it seems) I never was romantically involved with Ms. L. She assumes that just because I am a lesbian I am attracted to her. While there was some initial infatuation, I told her she is married and I respect that. The infatuation is long since past and I and my sister both love her like a sister. No more.

The other day I went to a social function (a benefit). In the middle of the entire room a strange woman turns and shouts at the room (as I am talking
to a friend) "Is this a man." Now I may not be Marilyn Monroe but I am at least desireable enough to get two proposals of marriage (I am now sorry I accepted the one). I walked to the ladies room. Gathered myself together, and walked out after telling a friend I am leaving.

Ms. L. has took it upon herself to get me to pursue the matter. I told her to leave it alone and let it die a quiet death. When I did not react as she desired, it seemed as if all my so called "friends" suddenly knew what it was like to be me and how I should react. Basically the argument went like this..."How dare you be upset at our friend (who said "Is this a man?") when she has been a hermaphrodite for the last 150 years, wrote the gay bill of rights and is actually Gloria Steinem in diguise". Okay I exaggerate but you get the idea. Now Ms. L has decided to turn to hate me instead.

Well...I guess they were never friends in the first place. At least I still have my sister and those at my Buddhist temple. But getting used to being alone after being with someone for 10 years is very hard...especially being betrayed by the former partner.