Roadmap to wholeness

[rebis]

I have posted once before, regarding my search for answers to my (firmly believed but not yet validated) status as XXY and its impact on my desire to both come to terms with aspects of my identity I have always been confused by and, in the past year and a half, have learned much more about.

I am doing my best to read reverse through all of the forum posts so far to get some bearings and direction, but I am not fully read on everything yet, so some of my questions may have been answered previously. Therefore I apologize if I am asking things that have been answered already.

I am at a point right now where I realize that despite all of my own self-directed work and decoding and unraveling the particulars of my life and challenges in the hopes of both getting clarity as well as self-acceptance, I am beginning to believe that I am not capable of 'driving this process home' without help from someone else.

My situation is probably similar to many with XXY, although my gender identity complexity seems to be a bit more pronounced than I have seen in others who have described their feelings.

I have come, largely, to accept the root source of my situation — namely, that while my body looks and represents as predominately masculine and my sex is male (albeit with underdeveloped primary and secondary male characteristics), that my mind and sense of gender feels predominately female. Before my interfility issues and resulting divorce, I didn't really have the perspective or information to understand how something like gender identity (separate from sexual orientation) can have such a profound impact on being able to relate to others and understand and accept oneself.

When I went to see an endo last year to get real answers to this question, he refused to take the final step to determine whether I was XXY or not because he felt that since I could produce any sperm whatsoever, it was not possible for me to be XXY (something which I have since learned is not the case). His theory was that the chemotherapy I received for childhood leukemia created the same physiological outcomes as being XXY (puberty delayed until 18, neglible sperm count, low testoserone, gynecomastia).

Regardless of which diagnosis ultimately is correct, my issues stand. I am effectively a thirthysomething XXY male who has grown up with fluid if not tumultuous gender identity.

My questions are really directed to those of you, through whatever personal circumstances brought you there, have sought help in counseling, therapy or support groups about your experiences and to get recommendations about how to approach this process.

So, here are my questions:

1. I, like everyone, has more than one personal challenge or hurdle than can or should be worked out through a therapy or support environment. Should I be looking to use my gender identity complexity as the spearhead for getting the answers and perspective I need? Or is it better to take a larger, more holistic view of getting help and just consider that as one aspect of the agenda. (Included on my plate of additional items I would probably be seeking help on are: self-esteem issues, initmacy fears, a mild form of PTSD I believe came from the extensive hospitalization process I underwent as a toddler for leukeima).

2. I have seen a number of posts here and elsewhere about people having difficult or troubling experiences finding support or counseling due to misunderandings by even the clinical/therapeutic professionals about how to address these issues. Short of 'shopping around' for therapists or counselors who demonstrate a willingess or an experience base in this area, are there any resources or approaches I can use to find the kind of help I'm looking for form someone versed enough in these areas to be of real help?

3. Has therapy or counseling really been truly useful to the folks who've sought it out? I often wonder whether the answer may just lie in a continued process of self-discovery, or whether outside perspectives in a therapy environment can really help people with these kinds of complexities/ambiguities/confusions?

4. Is this such a subjective subject matter that seeking advice from others is really a moot issue?

Thanks again for listening.

- Peter

[Dana Gold]

....my gender identity complexity...snip......additional items are: self-esteem issues, initmacy fears, a mild form of PTSD ....snip...extensive hospitalization process I underwent as a toddler for leukeima).

My, but you do have a lot on your plate.......and a familiar "meal" at that....to me. My own experience has been to seek out other support groups that have people with issues as yourself (specifically gender identity and social "ramifications")....also counseling with a reputable psychologist , who you may find through the support group, or "doing the search" as I did. And, of course integrating all of those with your own self-discovery and self-acceptance process. That's the word to remember : process....step by step, each day uncovering the onion layers of your life....ongoing and with time gaining the strength, wisdom and insight to accept yourself and live life for yourself....and not others, despite internal doubts and fears. On last thing; the support grp and peers, as well as psychologist will not have all the answers you seek......introspection as you proceed through "the process" is the real source of your own truth.
And friends, yes, people that don't belong to any one of the groups or individuals I've so far mentioned......real friends in the real world. It was also important to me that I may be engaged and live in the everyday world and not have to "ghetto-ize" myself by only interacting socially with the support group, or the counseler.

Dana

[Morgan]

Hi Peter

You certainly seem pretty good at analysis :)

Shopping around is probably the only option - either in person, or by talking to any local support groups. I've had a good experience with a psychologist recommended by my GP for issues to do with the body and surgery. The GP was good, too :)

I've also had a good experience, following a relocation, with a therapist who writes in a local GLBT newspaper.

I'd recommend asking a possible counsellor if they have any prior experience with the issues that you want to talk about.

Morgan

[Meadow]

Hi Peter!!

I can emphatically state that while much of the "work" that I have had to do towards self understanding and acceptance has been on my own shoulders with reflection and introspection, I can not overstate the positive influence that my therapist has had on my life. She would ask me the tough questions that I needed to face, such as "Why do you keep fighting this thing?" And so after a session, I would play back the tapes in my head and think long and hard about what she had to say. I have come VERY far in the last three years, and I owe her everything.

And so while our circumstances would not be totally similar, I am going to recommend your visiting the web page of Becky Allison, who carries a list of therapists across the nation that specialize in gender issues. This is the list where I found mine. A good therapist will help you explore yourself. Plus, you can also find help with some of the other things. But by at least seeing someone who deals with gender issues, you will not be greeted with a blank look.

Refer to: http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html

Good luck to you!!

[rebis]

Thank you so much for the advice. I will begin searching shortly. I am about 60 days from moving back to the West Coast from The East Coast where I've lived for 8 years. So I will be working on researching options back in my hometown of Seattle rather than try to establish any kind of support network here just before I pull stakes.