Julie @ work
09-03-02, 02:07 PM
To be sure, there are some good things that came out of my breakup with my partner (that expression has always sounded like we were doing business together) ...as a result of being left, I found my older sister after more than 40 years. Family again after being deserted by what family I had left. None of them could handle my being entirely female, as I was raised the first four years of my life. In fact at my mothers funeral my uncle refused to speak to me after not seeing me for more than 20 years.
However...
Being left by Judy has left my esteem lower than a snake's belly in a wagon wheel rut. It has also caused many issues to resurface that I had ignored. When Judy and I became serious I took her out to dinner and told her about my medical history. I told her that once I told her I would understand if she left. She did not. However for 10 years she refused to talk about it. So after the corrective surgeries I became a closet hermaphrodite. I felt that if I ignored it everyone else would treat me better. Having met my sister was a remarkable experience. I had a chance to talk to her about things I never spoke to anyone about. After meeting her I came "out of the closet" and was open about my medical past. To my surprise, not only did new friends not react negatively, they were very understanding and treated me much better.
All this has made an old issue resurface...
After the corrective surgeries I was faced with a question that I never expected. I didnt' know who was my type. Should I look for a girl like the girl that married dear old dad or not? Men only wanted sex. Except for the one ex-navy seal that was already married and wanted me to be his "second wife." I got a horrible reception from the lesbian community. It was as if I had leprosy. When I met Judy I thought I finally had it all figured out. What I did was side step the issue. My sister recently commented that I had a problem seeing myself as a whole woman rather than someone who was a hermaphrodite. After much introspection I believe she is right. (In fact she was the one who told me to quit calling myself "former little miss half and half." To which I answered I have been called much worse.)
The more I thought about it the more it seems she is right. I thought back on 10 years with Judy and how every time we were intimate I was thinking about men. This thought and thinking back on my brief experiences with men after the corrective surgery, quite frankly scared the hell out of me. Having been raised as both genders at different times in my life I still had a hard time admitting any sort of attraction to men. The be all you can be as long as it's a man campaign my father launched upon getting tired of my mother who started raising me as a little girl, had more of an affect on me than I was willing to admit. These feelings didn't really start surfacing until after the surgeries.
So now I feel I am back to square one with the "who is my type?" question. If I admit it to myself I find myself being physically attracted to men, but only being happy with the companionship of women. Whether the cause is something biological or enviromental, I never expected to face this question in my fourties.
However...
Being left by Judy has left my esteem lower than a snake's belly in a wagon wheel rut. It has also caused many issues to resurface that I had ignored. When Judy and I became serious I took her out to dinner and told her about my medical history. I told her that once I told her I would understand if she left. She did not. However for 10 years she refused to talk about it. So after the corrective surgeries I became a closet hermaphrodite. I felt that if I ignored it everyone else would treat me better. Having met my sister was a remarkable experience. I had a chance to talk to her about things I never spoke to anyone about. After meeting her I came "out of the closet" and was open about my medical past. To my surprise, not only did new friends not react negatively, they were very understanding and treated me much better.
All this has made an old issue resurface...
After the corrective surgeries I was faced with a question that I never expected. I didnt' know who was my type. Should I look for a girl like the girl that married dear old dad or not? Men only wanted sex. Except for the one ex-navy seal that was already married and wanted me to be his "second wife." I got a horrible reception from the lesbian community. It was as if I had leprosy. When I met Judy I thought I finally had it all figured out. What I did was side step the issue. My sister recently commented that I had a problem seeing myself as a whole woman rather than someone who was a hermaphrodite. After much introspection I believe she is right. (In fact she was the one who told me to quit calling myself "former little miss half and half." To which I answered I have been called much worse.)
The more I thought about it the more it seems she is right. I thought back on 10 years with Judy and how every time we were intimate I was thinking about men. This thought and thinking back on my brief experiences with men after the corrective surgery, quite frankly scared the hell out of me. Having been raised as both genders at different times in my life I still had a hard time admitting any sort of attraction to men. The be all you can be as long as it's a man campaign my father launched upon getting tired of my mother who started raising me as a little girl, had more of an affect on me than I was willing to admit. These feelings didn't really start surfacing until after the surgeries.
So now I feel I am back to square one with the "who is my type?" question. If I admit it to myself I find myself being physically attracted to men, but only being happy with the companionship of women. Whether the cause is something biological or enviromental, I never expected to face this question in my fourties.