Hello All

[Freewriterr]

Hello All,
I just signed on here today finding this site last night. I have moved to the Eastern part of the US and a friend sent it to me from the West coast because the organization is located out here. Anyway I wanted to introduce myself and say little bit about who I am.

I came in and wrote earlier, and came back and deleted it because it was one wayyyy toooo long, and other, it really was just too much for me to share...sounds wierd, but this will be the first time that I really share on this from a personal view.

I have worked as a researcher ( Sociologist) and have done some public speaking on the I.S. issue, as well as other various identities of transition, but have never shared from my personal perspective. What I have been through...and just feel jammed up wanting to get it out, but not being able to.

I came in and really tried to do that earlier today. But found that it was too much flowing out of me, and I am just not there yet. 3 people read it, and I was so nervous the whole time I was at work and it was sitting here, that I came back and erased it. I do not know why I have these feelings in me but I just do.

I will say at this point, that I am an IS male, born and raised at first as female. Medically was not noticed until I was older in age. I was not born in the US, but did find my birth mom who gave me up for adoption and have not recieved any info from her that would be helpful to be honest. But I do not think I had anything done to me at birth. I was abused by my adopted parents for being different etc. and then I went through a bunch of stuff, both medically and emotionally.

Anyway, I am wanting to become more openly active in the movement to prevent others from going through what is put on all of us, infants and adults. I have done this in a limited way and am ready to become more active. I just have to get over my fear I suppose. Even in here writing is hard.

Well anyway, so I will stick around and read and over time share, just not all at once like I thought I was brave enough to do.


Peace to All,

Freewriterr

[Betsy]

Thanks for sharing your story, Freewriterr. I know it must have been difficult for you do open up like that, and your courage is commendable. And welcome to Bodies Like Ours.

Betsy

[Dandara]

Telling your story for the first time (the REAL story, not the one you've had to memorized) is the most difficult. When you do, you'll find out amazing things like you're not alone anymore and
people don't run away. A suggestion: write it for yourself first, then share if/when you want.

Most of us have tried for years to silence the noise in our heads, and actually speaking the words is incredibly healing. Once started, the flow is hard to stop. Sometimes it seems all jumbled up it runs out so fast! Imagine yourself as a person without the ability to speak, and then one day, magically you have a voice.

Take your time, post when you can. There are really great people checking in here ~ experts in an arena willing to share.

Considering we were all raised with the notion that we were "the only one in the world with a body like ours", it's a remarkable time to be alive.

[Natasha]

I just loved your post! So honest and unpretentious. I feel you did great.

I do understand how scary it is to speak about what we have been through, especially for the first time. I can also relate to the very real need to speak out about our feelings as well. You did better than I did when I first began.

I am so glad that you are here. I hope that you will remain with us, and speak your mind freely.

Welcome home.

[Freewriterr]

Hello All,

I just wanted to say thanks for writing to me. I am going to hang out here, but want people to know that I am working long hours right now to save up for some future things that I want to help out with in regard to IS issues and need the cash flow. So if I do not get in here very often to actually write, I will be around as often as I can be!

Thanks for making me feel welcome!!

Peace,

Freewriterr

[Victoria]

Dear Freewriter,

Welcome aboard! So glad that you found this site. This is the greatest place that I've found to talk to other IS people. I've been here since April or May (I forget) and it seems as if we are growing so fast. People here are really cool and supportive.

I hope to hear more from you in the future.

Take care.

Victoria

[Freewriterr]

Hi All,

Thanks for writing me. I have a little down time before my wife has supper ready and thought I would write and read a little. Work has been interesting but I have really hit the long hours and I am glad for the time down.

I dont really have much to say other than hello and that I have been reading through the threds. I wish I had known about the NYC deal I would have gone. But that thread was written in Aug so I am sure it is done and gone.

Well anyway, just saying hi. Take care all and hope your week has started off good!

Peace,

Freewriterr

[Jon]

Hi all....
I am 52 yo, 47XXY, residing in NE Illinois. I self diagnosed my condition July 1999 and confirmed with a karyotype in Dec. 1999. I also learned I have a total testosterone level of 30.6 on a 250-833 scale. I have been told by a couple different doctors that that is lower than most postmenopausle women.

I have always known I was different. I function looking male but feeling very feminine. I married a female and have been married for 27 years. Fortunately, she did not know before we got married but neither of us was really interested in sex...rather, just in being good friends who loved each other. We are a perfect match that way. However, I also have always loved males and never understood the issue until 1999. Now, I understand very well why. When I say always, I mean it. I loved other boys as long as I can remember. First, I thought I was gay. But, then, I loved girls also. Then, I decided I must be bi-sexual. I was always trying to fit in a label. I never shared with my wife the "loving males" part until 1999.....when I found out who I really am.

My life has been pretty treachurous, to say the least. While regular boys were developing pecs and abs, I was developing breasts. I was very soft also. The other boys were developing penis/balls and me????? No...a very, very small sac and micropenis. The hell I endured was nude swimming for PE for my sophomore year. We would all line up, 50 boys in a class, and stand side by side for body grease check. This was a common practice, nude swimming, in the larger city schools. For girls, they wore a "one size fits all" swimming suit but they were not with the boys, obviously. How embarrassing for me......female breasts and no male parts per se. But, no vagina which was good, I guess.

I also was sexually abuse for 2 years in junior high by 3 boys who threatened me if I told anyone and I was scared to death of them. It happened IN SCHOOL.......in a classroom situation.....and then, they would tell a few other kids about what a freak I was.

I went to college shell shocked......and fell in love with my roommate but didn't really know it at the time...just that I wanted him badly.

I grew up in a VERY conservative Christian home...with parents to the right of John Birch. We never spoke about sex...in any way, shape, or form. All that mattered was church.

During all this time, I many times comptemplated suicide. I hated who I was and my thought processing. I struggled terribly in school. I went to college on probation and did graduate......in five years. But had to cheat many times to get by.

What is so frustrating for me..is I was hospitalized many times....over the years so why did it take a rocket scientist like myself to diagnose my condition? I hate how ignorant and non-caring doctors are. Everything is about $$$, not helping and caring for people.

I now am locked in to my situation in life....we adopted a baby girl who is now a senior in high school. I am currently seeing a psychotherapist who wants me to learn to be the best intersexual I can be....to accept it and to go forward.......he doesn't care who the person is......but just wants them to be a positive, self assured individual not trying to fulfill a certain label but rather, be themselves.

Now, I am looking for someone to help with my testosterone situation.....who cares about it like he cares about my mind.

[Betsy]

Hi Jon,

Welcome to Bodies Like Ours. There are several people here who have the same diagnosis as you so I know you will find plenty of support.

I like what your psychotherapist has told you:

to accept it and to go forward.......he doesn't care who the person is......but just wants them to be a positive, self assured individual not trying to fulfill a certain label but rather, be themselves.

I know as I was struggling with the body that was given me, I tried to be someone else and it failed miserably. It wasn't until I could accept who I was (and to be honest---that is sometimes crossing a wide spectrum) that I was able to move forward. It was the anger at the way I was treated that really moved me forward though! Once I learned how to harness it and use it constructively, everything fell into place nicely.

As far as the testosterone goes, you can take Vitamin T but it is a very powerful drug. I have heard good and bad about it.

Best,

Betsy

[Natasha]

I am so glad you found us. I saw your post on the healthy place site. I guess you got my email.

As Betsy was saying, you are not alone. There are many here with your diagnosis.

It is not surprising that your testimony of what you went through in school, is very similar to what many of us endured, despite having a different diagnosis.

Thank you for sharing with us, so openly and courageously Jon.

[Freewriterr]

Jon,

Welcome! Thanks for writing and talking so openly. It is so hard to let things out, and it can be both painful, and healing too, which for me was strange. But this is a good place to talk and let things out, because we all in our own individual ways can really relate, directly, and in some sense I am sure in directly.

As for the issue of hormone replacement.

Have you seen a regular Endocronologist? This is a really smart first step because your going to need a good lab work up of your counts, liver etc. and there are a lot of different things that endo's know about when it comes to hormones that regular docs just do not know, such as dosages, etc. Age is an issue for homrone replacement as well. To see an endo to get started is a very important thing, but after that, you can infact see any doc you want in family practice to keep your dosage, and refills. And they can do your lab work orders every year for you, or bi annual depending on what is needed for you. But first really see a specialist, endo, because they from my experience and friends that have been through this, some XXY like yourself, have all found that most of them seem to be a lot more comfortable and knowledgible on IS issues.

My sister worked as a Pharmacist until getting her RN and she told me one time to never be embarrassed at my script getting filled for testostrone because it is a very common male need and no one even gives it a thought. I thought I would tell you that so that you do not have to go through that weird feeling like i did until she told me that, and she was being serious with me, not just trying to make me feel better. The number of males that are on hormone replacement is very high apparently.

I know how awful docs can be, and I know first hand how important it is to find one that actually cares. I know of some out east, but not sure in the midwest were you are.

What about the doc that you saw that diagnosed you as XXY? Often they will get you on the hormones that you need. Check that out too. These are just my idea's and I hope that it helps in some way. If you have more questions we are all here to help you out!

Peace,

Freewriterr