Freedom from shame.

[Natasha]

I am not saying I am completely over it, but I am beginning to free myself. I used to be terrified at the very thought of anyone finding out, about me. I did not want people to know that I am intersexed, or that I have also changed my sex. I really wanted more than anything to just fit in, to be normal, and I confess that sometimes I still do, but for different reasons than I once did.

My journey to feeling good about myself really began, when it finally became obvious to me, that hiding and hoping no one finds out 'about me', is living in fear of myself, and that such fear is also 'self' destructive. My fear of other people's opinion of me, is what was really harming me, and not their hateful opinions, or their cruel words, or even their malicious deeds.

After a lifetime of trying to please others and measure up, it dawned on me that to do so is impossible. People with good attitudes are not going to despise me for being intersexed, transsexual, or lesbian, and people with bad attitudes are always going to find something against me anyway.

I am finally beginning to understand that the only way to deal with shame, is to realize that I have nothing to be ashamed of, and that shame is a problem within myself, for which I alone am responsible.

It is beginning to sink in finally. Freedom from shame, self esteem, is something inside. A state of mind. A belief about myself, and a belief 'in' myself. It has nothing to do with what others think they know about me, or think 'of' me.

It takes time to build self esteem and self confidence, and I am still working on my own. I am very grateful that I have enough self acceptance now to know, that those who are ashamed of me, really are ashamed of themselves, and their own sexuality.

I am grateful to each and every one of you here, for helping me to understand this. It is knowing that I am not alone and how awesome 'all' of you are, that has enabled me at long last, to begin to even understand any of this.

Thanks to all of you.

[Freewriterr]

Natasha,

I was raised female for the majority of my childhood. It was a bit different though because when I was in children institutions I was allowed to be a boy. I knew I was a boy all my life. I just did not know why the world was confused! The world confused me to be honest. Anyway, part of the time I was allowed to be a boy, but was still "called" a girl. Put on the boys units by day, and at night for sleeping was moved to the girls unit. Went to the boys groups, and had to have some group therapy crap with girls, it was back and forth. I was abused severly in the evening times, by the STAFF, told I was a freak and was going to burn in hell. I remember thinking, God does not hate me, but why does everyone else? My parents who had adopted me could not stand the fact they had picked a bad apple off the shelf. I was never going to be the girl they wanted, and as I grew and developed my intersexed characteristics only became more obvious to them, not to mention shameful to them. I can honestly say that I just never really tried to be a girl, because it was so confusing and impossible. But I can also say that I did try sex with a guy a couple of times...and I just thought I was expermenting with being a gay guy, or something. But the world wanted to call me a lesbian because I was openly with women. I could not for the life of me see how the world could even consider I was a girl! And most often they did not. Like going to a store, or whatever, if you did not know me you could not think of me as a girl by my appearence. But the world required I have a title, and it was female, and I hated it, I despised what was being put on me, and i had a load of rage that just seemed to travel like a rapid river running through me. For a long time it caused me a LOT of pain, and nearly my life on several occassions.

I had a teacher trying to get me help when I was in 9th grade, I had docs trying to get me help too. But no one knew what to do with me. When I was 21 it was then that my testicle fell into a position that it could be noticed. But that was not enough for the docs at that time. They wanted to cut it out of me, take it away and deny that it exists. I did not allow that, thank god! I had heard of Johns Hopkin Med. when I was like 14 yrs old, then was sent there at the age of 18 but instead I ran away and went to California, out of pure fear of being denied the right to be a man in all senses. I had heard so many horror stories of what they did to you there from my one teacher, who had a friend that worked in the department with the doc that did this stuff, and had told her things she told to me. I was confused and alone.

I hid in the gay community, and never felt I fit there either. Heck for real I did not fit there, or anywhere.

Finally in my mid 20's I was rescued and given the right to be the man that I am, how I see me. I know there are people that do not see themselves as male or female, but for me I do see myself as mostly male, I know I have female characteristics, but I have burried them because I think the pain runs too deep.

I never had a problem with my masculinity, and blending my sex with my gender, because my gender has always remained the same. It cost me dearly growing up, but I could not have feminized myself if my life depended on it. I just do not have that in me. I hear about people that can do that, play the opposite role successfully, and later when they transition it is really really hard for them, but for me that was a breeze, my family and friends
all told me that I finally made sense to them. This they could handle.

I do not hide my identity from my family, but I do from my wifes three kids. My daughter knows the truth, people that knew me way back when know, and my two main mentors from the Sociology field know my truth as well.

The have encouraged me to use my talents and to speak out for the trans and intersexed persons. But they have gone easy on me because they have truly understood my fears. But as time has gone on, what I have become to fear the most is the hiding, the denying myself of who I am and feeling shame. The shame just tares us down inside. I am tired of it, I really am. IT is what brought me here, it is what had me make contact with Betsy. A friend that is proactive emailed me about Betsy, and I was able to make contact.

It is my true desire to do what I am best at. Speaking publically, educating etc. I have spent the past 3 yrs aside from doing my field work as a Sociologist, working teaching Special Ed kids in public schools. I have spoke out and made changes in another arena, the World of Attention Defiecit Disorder. I have made great impact on individual lives, and it has been very rewarding, and I have recieved so much in return. But I also know that now, it is time for me to grow more, and give more to where I fear the most, but can grow the most.

I have to get over my fear. I have never lived in a closet before all of this took place. When I was denied my sex growing up I was a rebel like no tomorrow. How I sank into this little cubby hole I have no clue. But it has got to STOP!

Well I gotta go the wife and kids just got home, and I have no clue to where they have been all day!! I got off work early and found an empty house on a rainy day, and kind of liked kicking back and hearing the quite! LOL

Peace,
Freewriterr

[Natasha]

BEAUTIFUL!

I am so overjoyed to read your words, from the heart. Thank you so very much for sharing, what you have been through, and what you feel!

Your letter speaks of a life so very similar to my own, that I almost fell as if I could have written it. See there? We are not alone, or "unique" either. Other than the stigma and secrecy reinforced by the doctors, it was their insistence upon making me feel odd, unique, which harmed me so much. It made me feel ALONE, with no hope of ever belonging.

I was just as you were, raised a different sex, a girl until age three, and very happy that way. Then I was surgically assigned male, and reassigned to the male role. That is precisely what it always felt like too, a role I was pretending at, just as you felt. Yet unlike you, I was docile and eager to please, desperate to replace my parents disappointment in me, with their love and acceptance. It was not until later in life that I realized, love is not 'something' you earn, it is a spirit that you 'accept', as a entitled gift, from those in whom love dwells. All of those wasted years, desperately trying to measure up to an arbitrary standard, have been replaced by a new life of joyful strength, and compassion for others like ourselves and those "normals", who remain afraid of themselves who still seek to oppress us.

So many years spent trying to be something, 'something' I was not, nor ever could be. For the same reason as you spoke of FREE =), because it was not in me to be a man, just as it was not in you to be a woman. Just like you, I could neither pass as, the sex and gender "picked for me", either in appearance or demeanor. For this I was alone, hopelessly isolated, and I was left feeling completely inadequate, ashamed, guilty, a helpless broken vessel without joy, or any hope at all. For so many years all I could feel was terrible fear, and unquenchable anger and frustration.

Isn't it wonderful Free, to know that we are not alone? That others just like us, despite our small differences, really DO understand what we have endured, and how we feel?

We are not shameful! We are not "all wrong"! We are special. We are good, and worthy. What we have endured and all that we have learned from it, is a gift for the people of the world. A world which remains ashamed, terribly afraid of themselves and their own sexuality, and confused about 'all' of this. We are a gift for them, and now we can share what we have learned, by sharing who we have become, UNFETTERED BY THEIR SAME which we once accepted, and kept secretly hidden inside ourselves, for fear.

You have inspired me Free, and I am very grateful to have met you here.

Gratitude, and love, always .... = )

[Freewriterr]

Thanks for Writing Natasha!
I was sitting here all bumbed out and you cheered me up some. You ever get that way, sad from it all? My wife came home, after being gone all day, I had taken off early for once to see if we could do something together, she was not here so I went into the den, no kids around, the big tv was free! LOL Anyway, so I left a small mess, nothing like I had created before she got home, and had not seen. All she said to me when she got in, after I asked her where the note was she should have left me...was about the mess in the den, it was not a mess dang it! I hardly ever go in there because the kids are always in there watching their shows etc. Anyway, so she came up stairs and fell asleep on the bed, and I was just sitting here staring off in space, did some paper work to save time Mon. And I was stuck in the past, you know what I mean?

Have you ever wanted to just erase it? You know, my adopted mom has not talked to me in years. She is by the way a little mentally off all on her own, and I am not saying that out of anger, I feel sorry for her. But the last time I talked to her, she told me she did not have a son, she had a daughter and she is dead, she has no idea who the hell I am. I hung the phone up and have never had contact with her again.

My adopted father was different. After I corrected my sex to male I did not talk to him for a few years, because I really believed he would never be able to accept me, he had reacted strongly when he found out what was going on. So I just disappeared for about 6 yrs. The first year after I transitioned to my correct status, well close as we can for society... I worked through a lot of my rage and my pain over feeling like I had been robbed of soooo much! There was a lot of rage that had to come out, and I had to walk away from things that were just not healthy for me, so I did. But I did not walk away from everything. Most of my friends and all were relieved I had decided to correct things, because they had always known I was a guy, they just were not sure if I was aware and had not said a thing to me! Like how would I NOT know! lol Anyway, there is a point in here somewhere, think my feelings are just starting to do some serious overflowing....

Oh yea, point, after really finding peace with myself, and with the people such as my adopted parents who had to be clueless what to do, cause docs sure dont tell them anything right... I called my dad one day, just to let him know he did not have a kid out here hating him in the world somewhere. He totally accepts me as his son today, and I know this because I have a brother that says when he talks of me he always refers to me as his son, and all, totally open to it. This is a father that was born and raised in the deep south, and was a military officer, and a politician etc. He told me one time, You must have been right to fight us, because until you did this, your life was a wreck. It had to be the right answer, and I dont have to understand much more than that.

But he is ashamed too. His wife, not my adopted mom they sense divorced, she hides me etc. She is so wierd anyway. And she keeps wanting to throw the bible issue in there, and I do not see a issue there at all.

My daughter was born by me, that is my biggest secret my biggest peace of shame, that I feel totally guilty for feeling!! I had a one night deal drunk with someone I knew. He was bi I was lost ya know? And when I found out about my situation I was totally freaked out, how could this happen to me?? I had never heard of it before, I had never known that I could be a real man and have this occur, I know now that is not true, but man it scared the hell out of me. My foster family wanted me to abort the baby, even my grandma! All I could think was this was my one shot at having a kid that was from me, and I was scared and embarrassed. But at the age of 20 I fought the docs, I fought the family and I took off to NY City, were I was to hide to have her, it did not work out that way. My daughter was born on a Military base, I was locked in a hospital room and told I had a drug problem etc. that they were not going to let me out of there, I did not use drugs! I just went off, I threw a hospital bed into the window, literally, and that they said was because I was using drugs, so my foster mom would not force them to let me out. It was my rage, it was my anger from every depth of me.

After my daughter was born is when the testicle was dislodged, and it was also a few monthes later that they took my one ovary out of me because it had a tumor on it the size of a grapefruit. They said that they could not figure out how a fetus survived inside of me, because the tumor had to have been there for a period of time. I almost died from that thing, they had to do emergancy surgery to save me. I remember waking up thinking, thank god it is gone!

My daughter thinks it is so cool that her dad carried her inside of him. She is an amazing kid. I have however really screwed up there. I was so afraid of people hurting her, and me too I guess that I made her live with this secret inside of her. I just could not bare the thought of her having hate put on her. She fought hiding it, she does not feel shame. She did finally tell her boyfriend, about a yr ago, the first time she did something like that...and he does not care in the least.

My daughter labels herself bisexual, but has never been with a girl, she just believes in loving a person for who they are, not what they are. She is truly amazing, but my desire to hide has hurt her, I know it has.

When I read Alice Dreger's book, I realized I am NOT the only man in history to have a baby, and I also found my genitals in a picture in there! I was in shock to be honest with you. It sucks that everyone was against me bringing her into this world, they wanted me to be a girl, but they were against me being a parent. It is odd how the world views fathers as not being capable of parenting and loving their kids as women do. That is so stupid to me.

I can not really forgive myself for what my hiding and shame has done to my daughter it sure took it's toll. I just would freak out at the idea of someone being told, and I was so worried for her safety and people teasing her, like they did before I transitioned. She has no memory of those early early years I do though, she would come home crying that everyone said her mom was a dad, or was her dad a mom? They just would not let up, that was in kindergarten and 1st grade! No one in the family had a thing to say when I got help, they all knew my daughter was going to be much better off as was I.

Ok, this has turned into a whole chapter! LOL I will stop, but it flowed and what the heck.

Peace,
Freewritter

I like your letters too Natasha! Thanks for letting me know I am not so alone, cause I still feel it an awful lot.

[Unregistered]

Sorry I didn't answer sooner Free, but my user cp prefernces keep getting corrupted, so I was not notified of your reply. I have had to log in, each time I come home here, for some odd reason too. I hope they fix this thing, or the politically motivated hacker, drops DEAD. Just a hunch on that last thing.

I am deeply moved by your letter free. What a situation! You being a man and birthing a daughter. Hard as it may be for you to beleive. I really 'can' relate Free, ... to your rage, your frustration during that time, and to your weariness now.

Here is why.

I was carded by San Francisco's "finest" in 1980, for protesting their harrasment of an beautiful interacial couple, so obviously in love, at the buss stop we shared. Then I was falsely aressted, taken to a smal police substation, and raped by two officers. They made a HUGE big deal of my situation, lots of ridicule. On top of the rape, that was too much. I broke inside. I became mute, unable to speak for over a week. I was locked up in jail, on the psych wing, kept in isolation for two weeks, and then relased with no charges.

I was an utter mess for years afterwards. Everywhere I went for help, I was turned away. Nobody believed the cops raped me.

Why it happened.

You could not change your drivers license back then, until the medical GODS said you were female. My ID said sex male, but I did not present or appear as one. That is why the cops were emboldened to arrest me, my ID said sex male. They went HUH?!, laughed nervously, ridiculed me, then got angry and disgusted, and finally put the cuffs on me.

I do know how it feels Free. I know what wanting to commt murder feels like too. Do I ever get sad about it all? Yes I do. I am heartbroken often, for the self centered imaturity of so many people, which drives them to be so wickedly cruel, .... to US.

I have had doctors refuse to treat me, because I told them about my "condition". For example a dentist whom I had become friendly with, during a long course of treatment over months, told me he could not work on me anymore, because he was
"disturbed by my sexual odditty", after I foolishly, I thought at the time, had told him.

I have been hounded by the police who know about me. In fact after the rape, friends of the "arresting officer" told me to keep my mouth shut about "the party", and to get out of town or they would kill me! They followed me for days, everywhere I went in SF.

One fine day, friends of the rapists got around me in a circle and pushed me from man to man, until I wept in terror! I hitch-hiked out of SF a couple of days later, with nothing. I wandered homeless for 12 years! I never slept in the same place twice, and I avoided men. Over the years my state of mind got worse, not better. I became more paranoid, was uanable to sleep, and eventually wound up a hermit in the Colorado Rockies. I went without seeing other people for 3 years, by my choice.

I returned to SF in 1993, because it was only here I could get free medical help for it, which a friend told me about. He also told me over the phone, I had called him form Colorado to say good by, since I had decided to comit suicide, that one could also change their ID finally. I decided to chance it, return and change into what I once was, therefore to become who I am really. It was either that or commit suicide. I had NOTHING to loose.

During my 3 years alone, all I did was search my soul. I finally accpeted that really I hated what my parents had had me changed into. I did NOT change sex to avoid social stigma. I did it because I NEEDED to change back, to what I was for the first years of my life, when I was happy. You see, I hated my body more each day, as it began to change in my late 30's, slowly masculinzing, and it was just 'not me'. The older I got, the more it bothered me. The deeper the panic grew. Until this point, I had not masculinzed. As I began to, I became more and more desperatly panic stricken, and my existing depression deepend.

Anyone who assumes I changed to avoid stigma, well, they can go to hell. OK?

Do I ever get tired of it all Free? YES! You're GOD DAMNED right I do! Sometimes I 'do' wish I was born "normal", so I would not have had to got through this crap. But I wasn't, and it has not killed me, but it has instead made me strong, deep, aware, ready to change the world, ..... or die trying.

Eventually you just get to a point, when accpeting who and what you are becomes an imperative, a matter of survival. Then you will throw off the chains of their lies, their undeserved stigma, and walk truly free. Each in their own time.

Much love! Kepp on growing Free.

[Natasha]

I left the board for a moment, came back, but did not re register. I went to this post, copied it, loged in, and I am now reposting it.



Sorry I didn't answer sooner Free, but my user cp prefernces keep getting corrupted, so I was not notified of your reply. I have had to log in, each time I come home here, for some odd reason too. I hope they fix this thing, or the politically motivated hacker, drops DEAD. Just a hunch on that last thing.

I am deeply moved by your letter free. What a situation! You being a man and birthing a daughter. Hard as it may be for you to beleive. I really 'can' relate Free, ... to your rage, your frustration during that time, and to your weariness now.

Here is why.

I was carded by San Francisco's "finest" in 1980, for protesting their harrasment of an beautiful interacial couple, so obviously in love, at the buss stop we shared. Then I was falsely aressted, taken to a smal police substation, and raped by two officers. They made a HUGE big deal of my situation, lots of ridicule. On top of the rape, that was too much. I broke inside. I became mute, unable to speak for over a week. I was locked up in jail, on the psych wing, kept in isolation for two weeks, and then relased with no charges.

I was an utter mess for years afterwards. Everywhere I went for help, I was turned away. Nobody believed the cops raped me.

Why it happened.

You could not change your drivers license back then, until the medical GODS said you were female. My ID said sex male, but I did not present or appear as one. That is why the cops were emboldened to arrest me, my ID said sex male. They went HUH?!, laughed nervously, ridiculed me, then got angry and disgusted, and finally put the cuffs on me.

I do know how it feels Free. I know what wanting to commt murder feels like too. Do I ever get sad about it all? Yes I do. I am heartbroken often, for the self centered imaturity of so many people, which drives them to be so wickedly cruel, .... to US.

I have had doctors refuse to treat me, because I told them about my "condition". For example a dentist whom I had become friendly with, during a long course of treatment over months, told me he could not work on me anymore, because he was
"disturbed by my sexual odditty", after I foolishly, I thought at the time, had told him.

I have been hounded by the police who know about me. In fact after the rape, friends of the "arresting officer" told me to keep my mouth shut about "the party", and to get out of town or they would kill me! They followed me for days, everywhere I went in SF.

One fine day, friends of the rapists got around me in a circle and pushed me from man to man, until I wept in terror! I hitch-hiked out of SF a couple of days later, with nothing. I wandered homeless for 12 years! I never slept in the same place twice, and I avoided men. Over the years my state of mind got worse, not better. I became more paranoid, was uanable to sleep, and eventually wound up a hermit in the Colorado Rockies. I went without seeing other people for 3 years, by my choice.

I returned to SF in 1993, because it was only here I could get free medical help for it, which a friend told me about. He also told me over the phone, I had called him form Colorado to say good by, since I had decided to comit suicide, that one could also change their ID finally. I decided to chance it, return and change into what I once was, therefore to become who I am really. It was either that or commit suicide. I had NOTHING to loose.

During my 3 years alone, all I did was search my soul. I finally accpeted that really I hated what my parents had had me changed into. I did NOT change sex to avoid social stigma. I did it because I NEEDED to change back, to what I was for the first years of my life, when I was happy. You see, I hated my body more each day, as it began to change in my late 30's, slowly masculinzing, and it was just 'not me'. The older I got, the more it bothered me. The deeper the panic grew. Until this point, I had not masculinzed. As I began to, I became more and more desperatly panic stricken, and my existing depression deepend.

Anyone who assumes I changed to avoid stigma, well, they can go to hell. OK?

Do I ever get tired of it all Free? YES! You're GOD DAMNED right I do! Sometimes I 'do' wish I was born "normal", so I would not have had to got through this crap. But I wasn't, and it has not killed me, but it has instead made me strong, deep, aware, ready to change the world, ..... or die trying.

Eventually you just get to a point, when accpeting who and what you are becomes an imperative, a matter of survival. Then you will throw off the chains of their lies, their undeserved stigma, and walk truly free. Each in their own time.

Much love! Kepp on growing Free.

[Freewriterr]

Hey Natasha,
Thanks for writing me and sharing so much. I read your story and really feel I am not alone. That is very very new to me. I was assigned female at birth, and I really do think they thought that because they did not look inside of me. I am a strong believer that biological determination is really lacking anyway...but that is a different part of things I suppose.

I did not change due to any social stigma, to be honest that is the only thing I do not really know exactly what you mean? For me the world knew I was not a girl, but no one knew what to do about it. And the ones that held the fricken power were not on our side that is for sure.

I transitioned so that I would be percieved correctly, but nothing about me was really changed, I am who I have always been. That is the one thing that seemed to suprise people that really did not know me well....they kept saying, your just you, only you make sense now. So if you mean did I change so that the world would percieve me more accurately? Well I suppose to some degree I did. I wanted to be more effective in the social structure that we lived in...and happier with myself. I had no respect for my body before, felt it had totally failed me, could not function in society prior, and I had to get the help.

I had no trouble with changing my ID or my birth certificate. I was born in Germany and they just did it for 8 dollars with a letter from my US doc. That is all they needed. The Driver Lisc. that they just did with a paper too. I realized later on from others I had talked to that they had hard times dealing with getting things done. I know in 13 states in the US you cannot ever change a birth cert. no matter what the situation, period at all! That is just plane insane to me!

The way the gov and religions, and other oppresive social institutions destroy and rule lives is just purely raging to me! It is not just done to those of us with Sex identity or gender identity issues. Any difference has the challenges. I also have ADHD, and if you know anything about the world is told on one side that it is not real, that kids are over diagnosed and drugged by parents that are lazy etc. These are arguements most often done by the Christian Scientologists, think I spelled that right, not sure. Anyway, they have no data to back this up, they are out there pushing their stuff and getting support for it, because they lobby, they have money, they have power.

I worked the past 2 yrs as a Special Ed. teacher with kids from the 4 to the 8 th grade with what is called Severe Emotional disorders, meaning mostly ADHD, and other behavioral issues that I wont go into. But the point to make is, I have had to educate principals, and other teachers, even people in the field that should know what the hell is going on, and dont. They want to learn, thank god, but that is where i taught at, not all people are open to learning and understanding, They do not want to be bothered, the kids just are not important enough compared to the other kids with the needs in the educational system that is not as demanding of personal efforts and professional efforts if you ask me. But the world rejects people with this label, they do not even get a lot of what life is like for a person with this. And really all they want is for the kids and adults with ADHD to do is conform! If you cannot comform, society rejects you. And that holds true for all of us.

I have fought more battles in all honesty in my life with being ADHD than I have with being intersexed etc. Some of the most successful people in the world are ADHD! Can you even make sense of societies additude?? I sure as hell can't. We are very creative, very intelligent, and have keen insight, we just cant keep our mouths shut, have to do things differently than the world around us, and are constantly being forced to do what we cant. Things their way! LOL The point I hope is clear, but bottom line, the world rejects anything that is different. And for me I am more different socially by being ADHD than I am anything else. But the same holds true, some of my greatest gifts are due to have the mind that I have, an ADHD brain can really make life a challenge, but it can make it very fun too. I have a hard time doing really simple basic things, but can do some really complex things that would loose the average person. My wife calls me her genuis! LOL I am not quite that if ya ask me ! LOL

There is no doubt in my mind that in a lot of ways I am a better man for being born with such challenges, being intersexed/trans is not the end of the world now, it was before help came, and I found peace inside of myself, self acceptance i am sure had a lot to do with it. But it does not erase all the scars and pain. It does not cure the shame, it does not make me not feel sorry for myself at times, and does not mean I am overjoyed with the challenges evryday. I do over all find the gifts more appealing than not.

One time I realized that if I could have been born with outADHD I would not want that. I love a lot of things about me that come from that. But I am not there when it comes to being intersexed, adn I wish I was, not sure why I am not...but I really need to come to grips with this part of things. Does this make sense? I hoep I have worded things right. I am refering to the desire of a regular penis, not the awareness of the gifts from being this type of man.

By the way, one of my greatest fears has always been cops. I hate them with a passion and fear them with a real healthy fear and you have shared exactly why I do!!! I know they will hurt us, I know they are bastards over all. And there is no one that will ever make me feel safe from them. I cannot stand to be anywhere near a trooper car, I just know it does not take being guilty of a thing to have them destroy your life. One of my life long fears have been being accused for something I did not do, and going to jail. I would not survive it, I know I would not. It is not a question in my mind. Might as well kill me then.

I have to say, I have no idea what prison they would put me in though. I have sort of wondered.

Well listen, again thanks for sharing this with me. I will talk to you soon. Gotta get to bed here. We had a late meeting at work tonight and I do not have a early morning meeting tomorrow thankfully. We have a huge Noreastern Storm coming in soon and it is to last into tomorrow evening, high winds nad massive amounts of rain...so I am going to do paper work and stuff here and then head out to see clients in the early evening.

Take care and write when you can.

Peace,

Freewriterr

[Natasha]

We have so in much common. Our love of the police, and wishing we had normal reproductive systems and genitalia. An IS birth can gift us with insight and strength, but then again, it would be nice to be able to reproduce etc. I could not have reproduced. My genital surgery as an adult, turned out real well, but I am not a normal female. Yes, sometimes I wish I was, but then again. =)

ADHD.

We have something else in common it seems. Several doctors have told me, during the last 10 years, that they want to try me on meds for that. I was labelled hyperactive as a child, but in those days there was no medicine for it I guess. BION, my mother said she was told, when I was in grammar school, to give me coffee. I grew up on the stuff. As an adult many doctors have said, they are sure I have "a type" of ADHD. I have never consented to take the meds, and I have rejected the diagnosis. Any excuse to contradict the medical establishment, I feel. =) Ok, oK. There are many good doctors, and good cops too, but then again.

Maybe they are right and I do have it. Yet I tend to latch onto a task, and relentlessly pursue it. It seems I have unbounding concentration, and energy also. I tend to be animated and enthusiastic, and as well gregarious. Oh heck, I am not sure what ADHD is obviously. All I know is, that I can only learn things at my own pace, in my own way, and that in school I was constantly lost and unable to concentrate. Yet left on my own, I do focus, and I am driven to finish a task.

Free, no way was I inferring that 'you' had changed to avoid stigma. I totally understand why you did change. You needed to be yourself. Same here. It is merely that so many other IS people have made comments to me, disdainfully, about "conforming" etc. Hey, after all, everything is always about them, and revolves around their presumptions, right? <snicker>

So you are a teacher? That is such a great profession, and so undervalued here in the States. I greatly admire anyone who can teach kids anything. I did child care for several years, and they can really run you ragged. I love them though, rug rats that is. =) Special Ed, now that 'is' amazing! You must really be something Free. It shows already to be honest.

Oh, by the way. Here in the Sates I believe if sentenced to prison, they put pre ops in with prisoners, of their so called "birth sex". I really feel bad for TS people. They in like manner as we, are often victims of societal normalism, regarding gender and sex. I really wonder if court and correctional bureaucrats, will make any distinction between an IS and a TS or TG person. I doubt it very much. It is for such reasons, I feel it is all of our best interest to work together, in order to effect change regarding such things.

I hope I covered everything Free. It is always great hearing from you.

Hang in there.

[Freewriterr]

Hey Natasha,

Well now, did you realize that when you described yourself you described ADHD? LOL!!! Now that was just sooo funny! See if a person with ADHD is doing something that does attract their attention then they actaully hyper focus. It is that people want to tell you what those things should be, and how to do it, that drives us up the wall. I can sit and work on something for hours up on hours, and the more complex the better for it I am.

It is a gift, not a curse, too bad again society does not get it!

As for what would happen with prison and all, nope the prison system would not separate the ts from IS people at all. How could they? And the really messed up thing is how do they figure they have the right to tell us what our sex is when no one else seemed to get it right.

My foster mom and I were talking about it one day and she said, you know if you had to go to prison would you not want to be in a all female one, most guys would! LOL Told her that would be a rough choice, cause on one hand yes, but then on another hand no, cause I sure as hell would not want to be denied my manhood, but hey, wait,...what about being with all women instead of all men...ok, the female prison does hold some positive aspects huh? LOL

Natasha, I really do see myself as being both IS and trans, and I just can't get passed that. I know it bothers people, but I transitioned because I had to do what I had to do, adn I am IS because the docs say so? LOL No seriously because I know biological issues are mixed. But I do not believe in biological determination, and I do not believe in a two sexed society..I believe in a spectrum that we all fall somewhere within. I see all of us connected as one sex not two, or so many that they all end up so connected they are but one.

I just know that I cannot pretend that I am all of anything and nothing of another. I cannot pretend that I do not feel like a whole man, cause i really do. I pro created in a way men are told they cannot, but we do. Not all of us but hey. Then all women cannot exactly have babies either, but it makes them no less of a woman, as defined I should say by society in both cases.

You know what I really think? I really think that God is not of a sex, and humans are not truly of one naturally anyway. I think evolution is going to wipe this issue right off the planet if man does not self destruct first.

I am currently not even teaching. I moved from the bay area and ended up not being able to transfer my certificate without more college. If I am going to further my education it is going to remain in the field I studied which is Sociology. I am by trade a Sociologist with a focus in research. My research work is great and has to do with the Social Construction of Indentities at that.
I of course make no money at it, because no one is funding this kind of work, but published it will make me some money and I will come out with a Phd. I did not do it for the money anyway. I have a wonderful and extremely supportive publisher/editor too.

My spelling sucks, and I am aware of that, but that is what she is for when I do academia writing! LOL There is something about learning english as a second language as I did as a kid, that makes spelling just impossible. I am used to sounding things out and with english it just does not work, and i just cant spell real well due to it.

Anyway, I too enjoy our writing. I have found getting stuff out such a cool way of realizing for once, in an odd way I really am not alone, and I have to say, I have always felt that way with both intersexed and non intersexed people, trans, it does not matter, had a hard time relating to people in this manner pretty much all together. We click, I can tell we have some real common denominators!

Well listen, I will talk to you soon. Oh by the way i am currently working for the local cable co. I ride around all day and get payments or disconnect people. Truthfully I get a lot of payments! LOL I like talking to people all day, adn the money is really good. It is also on whatever schedule I need to be on to work around my writing etc. I am wanting to take a more pro active stand with some public speaking etc. and when I do I can have the time off and not have to worry about a classroom and getting substitute etc either. I was subing for a bit but the pay was so lousy and I just could not afford to do it.

I am putting in paper work to teach full time, but am not going to do that this year I dont think, doubt it seriously, but shall see. If a good offer comes i will probably go back to it, because I love the work in the arena of special ed. I can and have made some changes in that area for kids and their families and I have enjoyed being able to be effective in a positive way. I did community development, as a program director of a non profit many years ago, and loved that too. Whatever I do I need to feel productive, ya know? Being a cable man is not productive in that sense, but it does get money in my pocket for the things I need to support. I tried to be the social rebel for several years when I was young, actaully hitch hiked across the US several times and wandered around looking for life answers, man that was something else... I laugh at my rebel nature and free spirit these days!

Peace,
Freewriterr

I always wanted to save the world, until I realized there are more questions than answers, and even if I had the answers it was expensive to save the world! LOL Yep I was and tend to still be when not careful, and Idealist!

[Natasha]

Hmmmm. I guess I should have waited for the server, to take me to the post I made in response to yours, because I see it isn't here. I goofed. Oops.

So you think I really do have ADHD? So what do I do about it? This is all I know, so I am not so sure I want to be cured. Any advice for me?

You certainly 'are' a capable man Free. Even the cable guy? Well so much for direct TV. = )

I agree with you about TS people for the most part. Our situations are very similar, and I believe we should acknowledge what we have in common and work together. To do so is I believe, in our mutual best interest, but I do wish to be careful not to dilute the agendas of our two communities.

I identify as IS mainly, but I did change sex. I know and love many TS people, and we are much alike, but there are some differences as well. I think it unwise to focus on differences myself. I am also a Lesbian, and one is much like another. = )

Funny things is. Many doctors and other IS people, have strongly urged me not to identify at all with TS people. No one has ever asked me to disavow any association with other Lesbians though. That says allot. Obviously such "advice" is more prejudice than mere bias.

Talk to you soon. Always love hearing from you Free.

Big hug,

[Freewriterr]

Hey Natasha,

I cannot tell anyone if they are ADHD, but I did think it was funny that you described it quite well, when describing yourself! I think telling someone that they are is the wrong thing to do, allowing a person to come to terms with it on their own is wiser. And the other thing, Natasha, there is no cure for it, but there are things you can do to make life smoother from the things that it does effect. Some, heck most of the things that it does for me is more like gifts, and I do not just say that. I think society is the one with the larger issue, the conformers for sure. The best advice I can give you is to get this book and read it... Driven to Distraction. It is not expensive and it will give you great insight!! It is like 11 bucks. Start there, and then we can talk more, but it is better if you just first read that, it will give you a real good foundation of information and how you see ADHD effecting your life, both positively and negatively.

I too have often had people tell me to not call myself TS. It is like saying I am less than by making this association, and that is stupid to me. I think that there is a lot to be gained by the truth, regardless of social rejection of such truths. I transitioned and therefore I am transsexual, find a different term for that! LOL

I know that the IS defined is biologically determined as being of both sexes, and that TS means more of a mental determination through psychological determination, which I by the way would refute!

I do NOT believe in biological determination of the sexes, and I do not really believe in sex being anything more than a long line (spectrum) were we as individuals line up in various places, determined by a mass of factors, not limited to just the ones we can currently observe in or out of a lab. I think that TS is just a situation that requires a person that does not line up on the spectrum in a way that is acceptable to the society they live in, and I think that IS is also unrecognized as normal by society, and that is the common link, social rejection to exist. The common factors are far more obvious if we take out the separation that not only the society around us would like to place there, but the communities themselves.

The reason, (which I am sure we are all aware of) that some TS people put themselves under the public label of IS is because of their view of how the world will accept them without saying they are to blame, or mentally confused. However it is through educating accurately the public, that will allow both the IS and the TS community to gain their goals. I do not see the goals as being all that separate, with the exception of the surgical issues on infants, which I think is not something that would be threatened with the movement being TS and IS as merged in some sort of way. The TS community I am not refering to as the TG community, there is a large difference there I think. And let me also add, that I think to say that there are not different TYPES of TS's would be to continue some of the confusion.

I look for long term effects not short term gains, and I think that is what makes things a little hard for others to see. IF we build the most accurate foundation from the start, then that means we will have something strong to stand on, and if we ignore some of the complicated truths, we are going to have a weaker foundation as time goes on. I hope I said this with some clarity?

Anyway, good to hear from you. I took today off and did not do a damn thing but watch tv and lounge around! My wife has been on one of her cleaning spells and I found her cleaning in the garage just a bit ago, so all my stuff is moved around now, should make for a interesting hunt and seek next time I go out there to do something! LOL It is a cold fall Sunday evening and I love the fall time, hate the summer time! I am gonna go sit out on the back deck and just relax for a bit.. Talk to you later!

PS, just curious, how do you define Lesbian in YOUR eyes? I am just being curious here. Also do you have a partner? Just wondering again.

Peace,
Freewriterr

[Natasha]

Well again, more points of commonality. I prefer the fall over the other seasons, also. I wish It could always be mid October. I had my GRS on Halloween of 2000, in fact.

I agree that TS and IS issues overlap a great deal, especially regarding social issues. I agree also that there are different types of TS people, who are distinct from TG, for the most part. Yet there again is a great deal of overlap socially. I believe that Transsexualism is largely biologically caused, yet some types have a more psychological motivation, which further delineates by motives sexual and social.

For me it was a mainly a body congruence issue. As well I realize in hindsight, that I wished to reassert my control over my own sexual body, and undo the choice that was made 'for' me. The bottom line however remains, that other than sexual body image. I was never able to identify with being a man. It was just not me at all.

I will have to give that book about ADHD a read. Thank you for telling me about it.

Lets see now. What is my definition of Lesbian. Hmmmm. I think it is a matter of being exclusively attracted to members of the female sex. It is of course problematic for any of us to define ourselves as gay in any way. Since gay is a social definition, requiring one to be unambiguously either male or female. My oh my. What a can of worms.

I imagine I am close enough to being a woman, that for convenience sake going by their definition, I would have to claim Lesbian status. Oddly enough, long before I became appraised of anything about the Lesbian world, when still quit young. I found myself naturally gravitating toward interests, and indeed had many tastes and behavioral traits across the board, in common with other Lesbians. This was in fact pointed out to me by other Lesbians.

For example I found that I was always attracted, to the one or two women present, who were themselves gay. This used to absolutely mystify me, as I had no idea why. I do not mean stereotypically Lesbian either. That is, they were not butch "or something". It is just that somehow I knew intuitively who is among our number, before I knew intellectually a thing about 'us', and more importantly felt at home with them.

It is a very subtle thing, having nothing to do with masculinity or aggression, dress or comportment. Perhaps it is something to do with energy focus and expectation. Often I have felt, it is a spiritual lineage or something like that.

I was lumped in with them, and accounted as one by other Lesbians also. In my late 30's, when I had begun to masculinize a bit finally, and I had decided to adjust and accept being man. Having cut my hair all off and really butched it up. I would hear occasionally from some, even often separatist types. "You know what? You are a male lesbian, and I do not go for that whole idea either, but I got to admit that so and so was right." "It's the damndest thing." Likewise I was often called a dyke in those days, by straight people.

That being said. I rather like men as people, and I really feel motherly toward them. I think men get a terribly bad deal, and I pity them, for the role they are forced into by our binary culture. Very rarely I will notice that a man is attractive, and I suppose I could see myself with one as a partner, maybe. It is simply this. I am overwhelmingly by far, much more, as well consistently, attracted to other women. I prefer the strong willed feme type, but I have really fallen for the dominant soft butch type too.

Please understand, that I do not like all Lesbians personally. Many are very pigheaded and bigoted, and sexist as all get out. The later while somewhat understandable, still amazes me, and disappoints me greatly.

Does any of that make any sense to you?

Many hugs,

[Freewriterr]

Dear Natasha,

I do relate from a different end of the scope with a great deal of what you shared. I was a good looking boy and girl, depending on how I was seen, and that was depending on what someone was told, or if you were a stranger meeting me.

I remember one time, before I transitioned going to a lesbian bar and taking my foster mom and girlfriend with me. My foster mom told me, you know you do not fit in here, these are women being butch, your not like this, your just you. What there is about you is natural, and I wish I had a clue of how to help you get this stuff sorted out. I knew I did not fit in the gay scene at all. But I also did not know where else to go. The world rejected my existence and I had to survive somehow, but really the gay scene I never ever felt comfortable in, or as if I fitted at all. Heck I used to get hit on by gay men in mixed bars.

I went with a girlfriend of mine that was bi to the gay pride march on Washington DC. I remember standing there with millions of gay people around me, and thinking, my god I just do not fit here. The main reason I went was two of my old friends from Chicago were coming in for the Pride day, and the AIDS quilt was there in full. My best friend from Chicago had died in 1988 of AIDS and he was a friend of theirs as well. We wanted to put him on the quilt. Anyway, I walked for the entire day of Sat. around the city and taking things in all alone. My girlfriend was off with her bi friends and my Chicago friends were doing something else as well. I just took it in. I remember standing in that crowd and thinking I cannot take on this game anymore. ( I had been years working through the emotional toll of things, and had tried numerous times as a teenager to get help etc. and at 21 had given up there ever being any hope) Anyway, I was standing there, and at that very moment I knew it was over.

I do not know what others feel of a God existing or a higher power of any sense, but for me it has always been very real. I stood there and it was as if that power from above spoke directly to me. " It is time". It was not a question, it was not a debate, or a sense of gee I hope so, it was a fact. It was a peaceful moment, one that just came right over me, and I knew what was to come and what I had to do. I had not in several years allowed myself to hope for a thing. During those years physical surgeries I had already been through due to medical needs that were life threatening, too long a list to write up. Of course the docs refused to admit I was a male even though they were sure operating on me for this and that and whatever, adn I was so obviously male. They just had to do their stupid denial stuff. The urologists, the OBG guy, the Cancer Center that removed my chest, though the tumors where not cancerous, they were just attacking my chest as they attack foriegn objects, LOL...I have always found humor in that statement!

Anyway, I went back to the hotel, told the girlfriend I was going back home in the morning. She was bummed, wanted to stay, and I told her fine, get a ride back and she could stay, but I was heading out. I had a 101 temp and did not feel good, exhausted as all get out. She was not a close girlfriend, just casual at best. Anyway, she road back with me, I got home picked up the phone that day, called my family, called my friend that was like a second mother to me, and they all said it is about time you do something, this has gone on long enough. What are you going to do? I had no idea, but I knew with everything inside of me, I was going to transition.

I week later I sat in a docs office that saw my history, and hit the roof! He was enraged that I had not been brought to him years before. In the next month my ID was changed, and my beard was coming in, that fast. It just happened over night for me. My body produced enough testostrone that I was masculine to begin with in alot of ways, the only thing injections really did for me was ...well round things off to there being no question I was male.

I have never had my penis reconstructed, and I still have an opening because I just cannot see the point yet in giving in to social defining if you will, or biological for that matter. I have to say that is the biggest struggle that I have. I dont want my own testicle removed and I know that they will do that if I am reconstructed, I just know it!
I also am just really beginning to like my body the way it is in the groin area. I like my body everywhere else as it is. I get envious if you will if I watch porn and I see what other men have, it just makes me feel like I am missing something, but I know that deep inside I really am not, I am just a different man than others on average, still sucks though.


I have written some stuff in a site that I am not going to go into detail about. But in doing so it is my way of educating others about our differences and I have gotten some responses from strait males. They write and tell me they wish they had what I have!! It has blown me away! I wrote a man back the other day and told him, I think it goes back to the basics in some way, of wanting what we cannot have. Hmmm. That is what my wife also says.

There are a lot of different ways to reach the general public and sometimes I do it in ways that I just feel cause people to stop and pay attention when they least expect it. LOL

Well anyway, this is what i have to say about this stuff for now.
I am actually trying to lick my wounds from an earlier argument with my wife. She washed my work t shirts and put them in the dryer and now they are shrunk. =( She is not happy with me at all for pointing it out!

Well take care, and talk to you soon!

Peace,

Freewriterr