Terrified of my up coming chromosome test.

[sparklingdreams]

I went to have my blood work done today,

I waited for two hours to even get called back and told they wouldn't be doing any of my blood work there, because they can't do chromosome testing. So now I have to go to some place call Quest Diagnosis to have it all done. And have some stranger end up telling me whether what the father said was right or wrong. And since I'm in a wheel chair and it took so long to get done with I'll have to drive my wheel chair there just to get it done. I could get a ride, but I'd have to wait until Thursday and the wait would break me.

Because I finally realized why finding out exactly what kind of C.A.H. I have and finding out if I'm pure XX or not is so painful. It's because growing while being raped, beat, and verbally abused along with messages of how disgusting, evil, sick, and bad we are at the core of all of these messages was the message that we were male. But after I got out of my parents and started learning about C.A.H., started seeing decent endocrinologist, started living freely, and started therapy I've slowly deconstructed some of what he basically beat into me.

And this is were the hell comes back. If my chromosomes' come back as anything but XX, that's all gone. Because it would mean his core message of me not being female would, on the chromosome level, be true. So therefore legally I wouldn't be female. And that was his most painful message. So if the most painful thing he ever told us turns out to be true, than that means everything else he said about us is true as well.

Which would make sense given all the pain and lose and disease in my life. CAH and just being an Intersexed female gave me a basis to deconstruct his messages. But if I end up finding out that my chromosomes (worst off XY,46) define me medically as male. Than I really don't feel I could keep on living. I wouldn't fault my Doctor for making what ever decision she has to make based on my chromosomes.

It would still mean I was intersexed, but instead of what we've always felt we knew about who I am is wrong. I wouldn't be a girl, or woman. But an intersexed male, a boy, a man... and I couldn't live with that being my biological truth... especially when it would effect so many aspects of my life. Legal, relationships, and even my own self image. I simply can't handle him (the father) being right. I couldn't go on.

So tomorrow I'll get up and get to the testing place as soon as possible and ask them to rush me my results and then possible say good-bye. Of course I don't really have anyone to say good-bye to. So for now I'm only praying and hoping with all I am that one little tests doesn't push me way beyond my ability to cope, hope, and survive.

I know no one can really help me, so I'm kinda sorry I'm posting this, but I have to let these fears out, and the only outlet I have is online support groups.

[Priestess]

I guess you must know enough about your body to know whether you need to worry about a non-xx result. But don't let them do just a blood test, because blood dna doesn't count for whether you have any xx cells in you.

You said you weren't forced into surgery until you were 14. That should mean your birth documents would say female. And in the eyes of the law, that plus the records of your reassignment should be all that's needed to keep you legally female? All you'd have to do is skip the dna test?

If it's not a nosey question, what kind of CAH does your endo say you have?

But anyways, your dna will never make your father right. And it will never make you someone you aren't already. Even if there's some y's, obviously you have some very interesting genetics that made that y not count towards your birth sex. Look at all the wonderful ais'ers here who have y's, but who are in no way men. If you don't believe me, look up some of the past posts by "sophia338", they talk about just how little that y means scientifically.

If you do choose to die, don't worry. I'll be with you in a couple weeks, we can keep each other company in the afterlife.

[fraulein_Maria]

But if I end up finding out that my chromosomes (worst off XY,46) define me medically as male. Than I really don't feel I could keep on living. I wouldn't fault my Doctor for making what ever decision she has to make based on my chromosomes.

>>> surely you know that AIS'ers are 46 XY and most certainly not male.

that being said, you are not an AIS'er given both the degree of virilization your have ( complete AIS'ers look like Ultra-Fems, no andros to harden there facial features ) and while its possible that a PAIS body has been butchered by both father and surgeons, it too IS HIGHLY UNLIKELY given your ethnic background..............

CAH is common among Ashkenazi Jews, Hispanics, and Italians.

AIS is found among northern europeans: but is still, FAR MORE RARE.

[sparklingdreams]

...You said you weren't forced into surgery until you were 14.
...If it's not a nosey question, what kind of CAH does your endo say you have?
...If you do choose to die, don't worry. I'll be with you in a couple weeks, we can keep each other company in the afterlife.

My final labia closure was when I was 14, but I had surgeries from the time I was born. The father could only get certain things done at different times. As for my vaginal opening, well he wanted that left open. Until he found out my best guy friend Aaron and I were having sex, and he wasn't raping me like the father or brother... thats when my labia was closed.

As for my birth certificate that's what started this mess. I thought what you thought so when got a copy that said otherwise I nearly killed myself then, but tried to work in the system to correct it.

It turns out I was a lil more than middle ground virilized, like Pander 1 or 2, so my parents were just asked what they wanted... the father looked and based on what the medical recorders he demanded I be labeled 'IT', but eventually he picked 'male' when the hospital started talking about calling CPS.

I don't know what type I have, that's another test that she's running. I was never told anything really about my CAH growing up, accept I knew were my prescriptions were and only found out what they were when I finally ran away.

As for the other side, I'll wait for you, if you wait for me...
I just wish I knew how long it took to get the results back.

[fraulein_Maria]

[QUOTE=sparklingdreams]

It turns out I was a lil more than middle ground virilized, like Pander 1 or 2,

>>> me too. which leads me to believe you may be a 3 beta like myself.... we are virilized at birth, but not so greatly as to warrent more than a cliterectomy (though we know that even that is going too far) and then often NOT TREATED AT ALL afterwards, unless it becomes obvious that we waste salt. because we produce SOME cort. we are horrifically abused then neglected by the medical establishement. <<<<

so my parents were just asked what they wanted...

>>> they never should have been. they should have been told that you are definately female, and that you might need hormone suppliments eventually, but that you could look forward to fertility.... our brand of CAH is not as problematic (fertility wise) as the others. <<<<


I don't know what type I have, that's another test that she's running. I was never told anything really about my CAH growing up, accept I knew were my prescriptions were and only found out what they were when I finally ran away.

>>> your scrips tell me your CAH.... not AIS or PAIS... not XY at all. WHEN you started them, and your prader level, tells me most likely 3-beta hydroxysteroid dehydrogenase deficiency.

Do not let its supposed rarity horrify you, as it did me when i first saw the stats........ after i calmed down, i realized that medicine notorious UNDER diagnosis women.... we get a Dx of various mental illnesses long before they will admit there is something physically wrong. <<<

[sparklingdreams]

If it's not a nosey question, what kind of CAH does your endo say you have?


After you asked,

Thank you so much for asking that nosey question, it may have saved my life. After I initial replird. I got curious, as to why I wouldn't know. To be honest I didn't even know about all the other types, like Lipoid congenital adrenal hyperplasia... or even the correct name of CAH's most common form (21-hydroxylase deficiency). So I started Googling, that finally after getting frustrated to all heck. I got out my medical records. Which I have from when I was fighting for disability and jusy FYI I have 21-hydroxylase deficiency, which is a huge presure lift, because having 21-hydroxylase deficiency and being intersexed pretty much demonstrates me being XX. So I'm feeling much less fearful about waiting.

So now Priestess please hang in there... I can't be the only one here who fits into our gender 100% comfortably.

[Priestess]

Katie
It was a good question to ask then. It's good when ours fears turn out unlikely. But maybe you should at least have a mouth swab in addition to the blood test, just in case. You're a good person, and I know you deserve a better life to make up for how it's been so far.


So now Priestess please hang in there... I can't be the only one here who fits into our gender 100% comfortably.


Thank you. It's been 2 weeks and a day since they injected me with the HCG, they timed it for the peak of a cycle. Yesterday the bleeding started, worse than usual. The doctors won't even return my calls anymore. I'll try to hang in, until the conference.

[sparklingdreams]

I'm calmer,

But I'm still freaking out. In a few days, to a few weeks... depending on how long it takes to get my chromosome tests back my life may just fall to pieces. Or I may just finally free myself from this life of nature's twisted creation, Doctors' twisted torment, and the fathers' hell. Which all haunt me with triggers, flash backs, and nightmares. Sometimes I don't know why or if I can keep going... the only thing that ever makes me move on, start over, and keep fighting is that if I've had to fight this long and this hard than there's no way I'm giving up yet... but this time may just push me over the edge. Especially with as triggering as this situation is. It seems to be bringing ever pain and issue to levels I haven't had since I was still in the terror of the parents house.

[Priestess]

From what I've heard, a basic chromosone test from Quest can take about 2 or 3 weeks. Their tests supposedly count x's and y's from 100 cells, so if it doesn't come back as "xx" (though it's 99% sure to) then you could ask for the actual counts.

Going on is hard, but it sounds like you're likely to be acknowledged as female. Who knows? maybe they'll even undo the previous surgeries.

[sparklingdreams]

Going on is hard, but it sounds like you're likely to be acknowledged as female. Who knows? maybe they'll even undo the previous surgeries.

If only Doctors could admit they were wrong,

I suppose it may be possible, but if they could do that we'd all be better off.

[sparklingdreams]

We didn't mean being XY would mean anything for or to any one else,

We're sorry to whoever we mayhave hurt by our cruelty, especially since that means we just reflected the fathers own hate and ignorance. Somehing we never thought we'd ever do to anyone else. And now we've done the worst thing thing we could ever have done.

We never meant to hurt any one in any way, that is not at all what we would ever have done, even on accident. We're very very very sorry we even posted that... we never meant to hurt any one, AISersor any one else. We're just afraid, scared, lost, and sad.

We sorry again, to anyone and everyone we may have hurt.

[Priestess]

True, I guess. Though with everything sewn up, your insides must be getting at least as torn up (or worse) every month as mine are. And if the dna test plus your records meant they had to believe you, then there ought to be a medical basis for you to need surgery. I'd even have a basis, if they weren't calling me a liar and a trickster. Plus, since it continued until you were 14, it would be easy to call this female genital mutilation, which is a rallying cry for those doctors who happen to be humanitarians. Infant genital mutilation no one cares about, but doing it to teenagers offends everyone.

I guess I just mean that you have a lot to hope for, a lot more to hope for than I do, anyways. And there's going to be a breakthrough in GD treatment in the next few years, you'll see.

[Priestess]

Aww, you shouldn't feel guilty. I don't think anyone here would read any meanness in your post. It's easy to understand the angst and uncertainty, and feel with you. You should be okay :thumbs_up

Well, maybe calling yourself "we" in this post seemed a little unusual, but it's still alright :tongue:

We didn't mean being XY would mean anything for or to any one else,

We're sorry to whoever we mayhave hurt by our cruelty, especially since that means we just reflected the fathers own hate and ignorance. Somehing we never thought we'd ever do to anyone else. And now we've done the worst thing thing we could ever have done.

We never meant to hurt any one in any way, that is not at all what we would ever have done, even on accident. We're very very very sorry we even posted that... we never meant to hurt any one, AISersor any one else. We're just afraid, scared, lost, and sad.

We sorry again, to anyone and everyone we may have hurt.

[sparklingdreams]

...I guess I just mean that you have a lot to hope for, a lot more to hope for than I do, anyways...

Well I'm not filled in on all your story,

But I understand why you would feel that way. I do still menstrate, although through my urethral and a small tear in my labia from some rough sex several years ago... one I refused to have closed. Which leaves me with urinary tract infections almost every month, and severally hard to treate yeast infections several times each year. But even those medical records aren't enough to proove my sex enough to my Red state of hellish Colorado, USA.
:doh: :angry_smi