Small lingering doubts, need affirmation...

[kayleighsmom]

My family is going on the Dr. Phil show and it will air this thurs, 9/14. They have PROMISED me that they WILL NOT sensationalize my beloved daughter, but I hope to get some psychological questions answered by the best and hopefully shed a more positive light in the IS community.

My question is this: I'm not a dummy, but not PhD educated either. I am just very familiar with the trials and tribulations of the AIS community considering several of my close family members have it.

Betsy, I know you do lectures and stuff like that to educate people on the subject. Soooo, do you think this is much different from that? I'm hoping not as I value your opinion and everyone else's here. I personally think it should be a positive experience and shed more light (and tolerance, sympathy, etc.) on the IS community. And Dr. P is known for handling things with class and taste.

Anyone that knows me from my posts knows how much I adore my daughter so please don't flame. I don't expect to get all positive opinion as I know most people here have had difficulty (to say the least) with the medical community as a whole. I just wanted to let y'all know what I'm doing in hopes of ... I guess .... some sort of lingering doubts. Plus, I want everyone to see the show to get to know us better!

Believe me, I have not taken this decision lightly and have discussed this with my entire family (including AIS sister) AND I'm getting no monetary compensation or anything like that.

If you have read my previous posts and concerns, that's what the show will be about. I will be happy to post portions of communications I have had with the producers on the show and a wonderful letter my MIL sent directly to Dr. Phil.

Please be kind... I love my daughter with all of my being.

Linda

P.S. My children will not be ON the show, but backstage. Only my husband and myself.

[miriam]

Dear Linda,

I'm a bit puzzled. This is what the drphil.com says about the 14/9 broadcast:

Have you ever been at the mall or in a restaurant, and all eyes are on you because your child is throwing a fit? Dr. Phil has advice on dealing with outrageous temper tantrums. Madeline says her daughter, Isabella, takes the terrible twos to a whole new level. She kicks, screams and even bangs her head against concrete walls when she doesn’t get her way. Isabella’s antics have gotten so bad that her daycare center began videotaping her. What’s behind this toddler’s fury? Then, Mary says her 14-year-old daughter, Brittany, is totally out of control. She bites, stomps, throws things and even told a police officer that her father, Rich, punched her in the face! Four months have passed since Rich and Mary sent Brittany to live with her grandmother. Now, they face off on Dr. Phil’s stage. Will they all be able to live under the same roof again? Can this family heal their pain and move on? Join the discussion.

Am I right when I assume you want to talk about AIS? Well, you are the mother and it is up to decide what to tell the couple of million people who watch the show about your daughter. That’s to say... legally it is up to you. In my humble opinion it is your daughter’s right to decide whether or not she will tell other people about AIS.

I’ve been on television and so did several other women of the Dutch AIS peer support group. I believe that women with AIS have the right to tell others what it means to have AIS, but there is no obligation to do that. As a matter of fact, this has become the policy of the Dutch AIS peer support group. Because of this policy, and the point of view that only the child herself can decide about this, we never had parents in those television programs.

Please, don’t understand me wrong, I don’t want to tell you what to do or not to do. I just want to share how I think about this.

Whatever you’ll do, make sure that you are the one who decides what will be aired. As it looks now, the producers had planned to air a show about another topic. If you will be used as a kind of “emergency replacement topic”, chances are that there will be not enough time to have you decide whether or not you want to change anything. If they tell you that it is not possible -for whatever reason- you decide what to air, simply DON’T appear in the Dr. Phil Show. Don’t forget to put everything on paper. A contract is not needed when everything works out fine, but you’ll definitely need that piece of paper if the shit hits the fan.

And don’t forget to demand that no part of your show will be used in any other television program.

I wish you and your family lots of success and I really hope that the program brings you what you whish for.

Groeten, Miriam

[kayleighsmom]

I admire you and think a great deal of you. However, due to Kayleigh's identity crisis CURRENTLY I'm most concerned with dealing with the issue NOW vs. after I've said the wrong thing just one too many times....

As for the Dr. P show.... we're supposed to fly out Wed and the name of the show DEFINITELY has nothing to do with "Brats" or whatever, so I have no idea what that's all about. I have a call into the exec producer now for explanations.

I'll keep you posted.

Linda

[kayleighsmom]

So we are supposed to TAPE the show on Thursday and airdate is "unknown" at this point. Still would love to hear other points of view and comments on what I've said thus far.

I freaked out after I saw the "Brats" thing and unfortunately took it out on the exec producer. Stirring up a lot of emotion for me with all the "homework", gathering pictures, videos etc. Had to go thru every picture I had and saw family members that are no longer with us and never got the chance to know some of my children, last pregnancy... just... different times in our lives I'll never get back.

Also had to do video diaries, etc. which just left me emotionally exhausted.

Thanks for any and all input!

Linda

[Sunshine1]

Is this Dr. Phil an expert in AIS?

Maybe by subjecting her to the public spotlight will ....geezzz nothing positive here just can't think of it. My mommy said they talked about you on TV.

Talk about being on display for students but this is being on display for people that don't have even a medical interest.

"They had promised me they wouldn't sensationalize......." OK

[Betsy]

It's television but thankfully not live teevee. However, it probably is taped in a method commonly called "live to tape". That means no do-overs, etc. It will take one hour and there will be timed breaks where the commercials would normally go.

When doing media (or even speaking for that matter), it's important that you control the conversation. Direct it where you want it to go. It's easier said than done and it takes some practice; maybe you can enlist a neighbor to play "Dr. Phil" and start asking you questions in order to practice some. If you are not comfortable answering a question, do not feel obligated to do it anyways just because someone asked. Once you say something on camera, you will not have an opportunity to have it changed, edited or removed. You will not be afforded the opportunity to pre-screen the program before it airs---that is a blanket policy for just about every production house out there churning out this stuff.

I'm not familiar with the show but do they take audience questions? If so, see if you can back out on that as that's where you may end up with some sensationalism.

All that said, you wouldn't find me on a daytime talk show. Back when I first started speaking out, the Montel show called and I was going to do it because I didn't know any better. It turns out they cancelled me the day before because I wasn't weird enough for them. I saw the show they taped sans me, and I was relieved they decided they didn't like me.

I regularly turn down television because it is a difficult media to do and things can quickly spin out of control. A month or two ago it was 20/20 on ABC. On the other hand, if I know the producer from the many years I've worked in the business or have worked with them in the past on another story, I am more likely to say yes because there is a level of trust already. I'd make an exception for Oprah however.

And as Miriam indicated about the Dutch group, BLO has adopted a policy that we no longer put reporters in contact with families of young intersex children. It's hard to make the argument that surgery and some interventions are violating the child's rights when we then go on and ignore those rights when it comes to the media.

If you decide to go ahead and do it, let us know how it goes and when it will air.

[Dianne]

I have worked with the media only once on a sensitive topic and that was only after the producers agreed that we would all sit down and watch the tape and I would have veto power over what went on air. In that particular case, they agreed but it was a lengthy process. Myself and a couple of trusted friends reviewed the tape and what was televised was a rational well-balanced treatment of the facts. Without review/veto power you have no control over what "spin" they may chose to put on the topic. Even if you are very careful in presenting your information, it is amazing what editors can do by cutting out bits and taking things out of context.

Unfortunately, the media exists for ratings and nothing else.

[prince....ss?]

Linda,

Ok now I am completely confused by this.

Just what exactly are you looking for from Dr. Phil ? Gee do you really think he can fix all your worries in one hour with time out for commercial breaks?

I don’t want to be mean I just don’t want you or your family to be hurt by this decision. But are you or Dr. Phil qualified to speak up about being intersex? Gender identity? I think not. So what will become of your family after this 15 minutes of fame?

The other joking matter I find from Miriam and Betsy’s advice to you is about controlling the content and direction. They are experienced with this but even they would not be a match for the “Master of direction and content Dr. Phil” I guess they have never seen his show. He will always be in control of every point and topic. So it will go his way!!!

Linda if you have learned anything from being here at BLO you should know that no two of us that are intersexed are the same. We are all different in how we think and feel about our condition. And now with this DSD thing we are dragging in more conditions that fit this all encompassing condition. Soon, every time a guy reaches for his Viagra he can claim DSD. So your point will be...???

So all I can say is good luck if this is what you want to do. I will keep my fingers crossed and watch the program when it airs.

Personally I don’t see any difference between the Dr. Phil and Jerry Springer shows. They both have the same subject matter. But Dr. Phil does control his contestants so there is not a need for bouncers.

[kayleighsmom]

I don’t want to be mean I just don’t want you or your family to be hurt by this decision. But are you or Dr. Phil qualified to speak up about being intersex? Gender identity? I think not. So what will become of your family after this 15 minutes of fame?


Okay. But you are being mean, and I believe intentionally so (and closed minded.) Regardless, Dr. Phil is a PhD and the best OF THE BEST as far as psychologists go. Does he have the qualifications to speak about gender identity problems? UMMMM... YES!! IS in particular, no, but he has worked with a host of behavioral issues. Tell me a psychologist who is really more qualified and I'll go in a heartbeat! Are there many in my neighborhood (tongue in cheek) who can help her in the things she faces now or will face later? If there are, I'm sure Dr. Phil will direct me to them.

Have you ever seen the show, read any of his books? And Betsy, I'm glad that you said that you would consider going on Oprah because Dr. Phil STARTED on Oprah. She is the one who encouraged him to have a show (and I believe funded his beginnings) that helped people because he has helped her, her friends and many many others ON HER SHOW.

As far as wanting MY 15 minutes of fame? That's a big fat joke! I have never had any aspirations of being in the public eye for any reason. I'm a homebody and I actually have been ill for a few years and don't look my best (even if I try) for the cashier at the grocery store let alone TV. I'm very self-conscience right now, but it has nothing to do with me.

Everyone has their experiences with Dr.s and if you personally want to think all of them or bad or any situation that involves bringing IS to the publics attention is bad.... your opinion. And in all fairness... I did ask.

What I desperately hope to get out of this situation is an appropriate way of handling my daughter's IS and her gender questions... and I know I won't get advise for her whole lifetime... but I need advice NOW about issues NOW. I do believe that her issues need to be tackled one by one. I can't possibly expect to answer every question she or us will EVER have, and I don't. I've never known him not to set up aftercare for his guests.

As far as him controlling the show, I WANT him to! I want him to ask questions and point us in the right direction. His show has been on for 5 years and has not been sensational.... watch it, read his books instead of making rash judgements and hurtful comments. They will not exploit my daughter for many reasons. One is they are very careful when children are concerned and I've talked at length to them about this. Secondly, they take pride in presenting a tasteful show and helping people. Third, that's why they have so many viewers.... it's a classy show. This is not Jerry Springer or Maury where they look for the scuzziest people they can find just for ratings. I've been through an extensive screening process and it's been very emotional and harder than I thought it would be. But that's the point, to help the family deal with the situation.

I've spoken with my AIS sister and she's so excited because she believes that it will be a positive experience. I believe that not speaking about the topic of IS promotes shame and low self-esteem. I want the opposite! And so does my other AIS family members if they have more "street credibility" than I do.

Thanks for the input. I do appreciate it. I will continue to thrive to be the best parent I can to my special AIS daughter.

Sincerely,

Linda

[prince....ss?]

Linda ,

No I was not trying to be mean. But I can tell that what I said struck a nerve or else you would not have gotten upset over my point of view. So perhaps you should examine what is really upsetting you, perhaps there is some truth to my perspective. But only you will know.

“Does he have the qualifications to speak about gender identity problems? UMMMM... YES!! IS in particular, no, but he has worked with a host of behavioral issues.”

Do you think being IS is a behavioral issue?
Do you think all IS persons have gender identity issues?
Do you think that TS persons and IS persons have the same gender identity issues?

Sorry Linda but what exactly would you like to share with the world about my IS condition? Could you tell the world that I’m not one of those persons on the porn sights listed in the “chicks with dicks” section? Please tell them they were nice enough to cut mine off at 11 days old. Please feel free to share my life experiences of 44 years of being IS.

But if you think Dr. Phil is the best then perhaps you watch too much television. If you are looking for good doctors I’m sure you don’t have to subject your family to national television to find someone that can really help. But if having Dr. Phil kiss your boo-boo makes everything right for you, then by all means I wish you the best of luck.

You asked for opinions. This was mine that is all.

If you ask me if this dress makes your ass look fat, you will get an honest answer from me. But don’t get mad at me if I tell you it does.

Best of luck. I still think you’re a great mom, just think this thing through.

[kayleighsmom]

No I was not trying to be mean. But I can tell that what I said struck a nerve or else you would not have gotten upset over my point of view.

>> Of course I would be upset because your title blatantly was insulting! "15 minutes of fame"? If I didn't have doubts, I wouldn't have posted for opinions. Maybe someone took advantage of you and your condition in your life, but that is NOT what I wish to do for my daughter. You must have never read any of my posts. :rolleyes: As for telling me my ass is fat... I have pretty thick skin.

Your questions: Do you think being IS is a behavioral issue? Do you think all IS persons have gender identity issues? Do you think that TS persons and IS persons have the same gender identity issues?

And I'll have to quote your previous message - You did say this, did you not?

"[QUOTE=prince....ss?]Linda if you have learned anything from being here at BLO you should know that no two of us that are intersexed are the same. We are all different in how we think and feel about our condition. And now with this DSD thing we are dragging in more conditions that fit this all encompassing condition. Soon, every time a guy reaches for his Viagra he can claim DSD. So your point will be...???.

>>I'm not saying IS is a behavioral issue. I'm saying my daughter is having problems and I want to address them appropriately for her age. Thought I was pretty clear on that. I didn't say I was speaking for you, your mom, dad, brother, best friend... in fact, I made it pretty clear in many of my posts that I'm just a regular ole' layperson here.

Sorry Linda but what exactly would you like to share with the world about my IS condition? Could you tell the world that I’m not one of those persons on the porn sights listed in the “chicks with dicks” section? Please tell them they were nice enough to cut mine off at 11 days old. Please feel free to share my life experiences of 44 years of being IS.

>>I don't have a problem with sharing opinions and such, but I mean... c'mon here... don't you think the only reason you wrote this is because of your own hostilities and anger in YOUR life? This has nothing to do with me or my daughter and you are just being argumentative. Hell, I don't even know what your particular IS condition is.


Thank you again for your opinion. I'll be happy to read anything further you have to write MINUS your hostility.

Linda

[miriam]

Tell me a psychologist who is really more qualified and I'll go in a heartbeat! Are there many in my neighborhood (tongue in cheek) who can help her in the things she faces now or will face later?
Dear Linda,

I think that there are better qualified psychologists than dr. Phil. And if that is all you are looking for, you don't have to go on television. Just contact the AISSG-USA and I'm 100% sure that they can tell you who's the best psychologist for this. I've attended the AISSG-USA meeting last month and there I've met several wonderful parents who can help you to cope with AIS. Meeting other parents is a kind of support that no psychologist can offer you.

You are not alone. Period.

There are other parents who have encountered problems similar to the problems you encounter now. Believe me, people are unique, problems are not.

I don't want to talk you out of this. But telling you story to dr. Phil and a couple of million other people, only because you want to find the best psychologist isn't very logical.

Groeten, Miriam

[prince....ss?]

Well I’m sorry you took my post as hostile as I am not hostile at all about my condition.

You are not the first one here that is unable to understand my point. I just see things differently.

I have read every post you have ever made here on BLO. You are loud and clear to me even though you don’t understand me.

My opinion, take it or leave it I don’t care:

You are trying to be the best parent possible, but you like all the other parents out there don’t know how so you are looking for the hand book that should come with every child. “How to be the best parent to this child” like an owners manual for children. So instead of trusting yourself and making the necessary decisions, you are looking for others to tell you what to do. Educate yourself then trust yourself!!!

If you have put your back up to me then listen to Miriam’s last post. It’s my opinion that you could not get better advice than that. I don’t know you but I just don’t want you or your family to get hurt. That is the only reason for my posting!!!

Feel free to read my past posts start from the beginning and you can see one example of the parenting road not to take.

Prince….ss?

[Betsy]

Your profile says you live in Texas. While I don't know which part, I bet there are psychologists in your area with a keen sense of what you and your dd are going through. Miriam has good suggestions and it's quite possible that there are others here who may know folks in your area.

Please understand that these shows aren't really in the business of "helping". They are in the business of making money. That's it - please trust me on this statement. I've worked in the television business for 20 years and knowing what I do about the business is one of the reasons I usually don't do television myself - even shows that some would consider legitimate news programs.

[Meadow]

Dear Kayleighsmom,

I agree with Prince....ss?, Miriam, and Betsy. If help is truly what you desire for your child, Dr Phil is probably not the best choice. A better choice would be the quiet office of a psychologist or therapist who deals primarily with gender issues. And I can tell you first hand that sometimes these issues will span many a year and beyond, much longer than an hour program. You will need a long term relationship with someone who is closely tuned to your family's situation. I will give you a couple of links here in a moment that may be of some help. These are not to supplant those suggested by Miriam above, but may be considered an additional resource. I did some research on the Dr Phil show and found one program that dealt with transsexuals, and NONE thus far for any Intersex issues.

While most intesex issues do not overlap transsexual issues, from what you stated, that your child has gender identity issues, in this case I do believe that they do. Therefore, please do not be offended if these references deal primarily with persons who present as transgendered. After all, a child could be born in all ways physically one sex or another, but still have gender identity issues. Yes, your child is CAIS, and thus, intersex. But still, gender issues can be viewed separately, no matter what the etiology. The first resource is the Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association at http://www.hbigda.org. The second is a list of therapists, listed by state, who specialize in gender issues which can be viewed at: http://www.drbecky.com/therapists.html.

All of this aside, if your choice is to be on Dr Phil's, and I will not dissuade you from your decision, that forum should be considered as educational of CAIS and other Intersex condition to the viewers. But you will be putting your self out there for that reason only. That is okay, but it may, and I emphasize MAY, come at a price.

Good luck to you no matter what you decide. We know you are trying to do your best. Life is not easy.

Meadow

[Meadow]

Linda,

Even though a couple of us felt that a different resource might be better than Dr Phil for your long term needs, still, one can go on a show like that and further awareness of intersex issues. I noted that your taping was scheduled for yesterday. Did you go to the show? If so, how did everything turn out? We do, in fact, care about you and Kayleigh, and I hope that if you went that it was a positive experience. Please let us know . . .

All the Best

Meadow

[kayleighsmom]

I'm still exhausted, so I don't feel like going into great detail. But I believe we had our immediate behavoral questions answered. It was a postive experience and everyone was respected and the kids had a good time just hanging out in a hotel.

I'll let you know when it is to be aired.

Thanks everyone for your comments,

Linda

[Meresa]

Hi Linda,

I came in late to this discussion, but I would e hesitant to put blind faith in any one person (check my posting history LOL)

All I care about is what's best for Kayleigh and the rest of your kids. Hope that you all get what you need to have happy, healthy, and productive lives.

I would have to agree with Meadow in that you need a long term relationship with a professional in a supportive (and private!) setting. Hope that you will continue to get this for your child.

All the Best!

[kayleighsmom]

Thanks for your input Meresa,

I guess I ineed to clarify but I thought I was making myself pretty clear. I'm hoping this would be an avenue for us to get started SOMEWHERE. And as it happens, I feel like we did get some helpful info and a referral to a professional on appropriate conversations to have with children and when. I'm very grateful for the help Dr. Phil has offered us.

I feel like there are many layers (and issues) in regards to how we can help our baby and this is just a starting point. Obviously there are going to be many more issues and we're planning on dealing with them one at a time.

Overall, I feel it was a success and look forward to comments after the show airs. I *think* it will be next week, but won't know until later on tonight.

Love and hugs everyone!

Linda

edited to correct spelling errors

[sparklingdreams]

A panel of 50 Pediatricians,

Just published their Consensus Statement on Management of Intersex Disorders (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/118/2/e488) in Pediatrics - Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/). There is some excellent, I.M.H.O., and progressive advice on just the subject of when and how to discuss one's child having one of the D.S.D. (formerly Intersex conditions), and much, much more.

It's a very good read and something I was amazed to see come out of the medical establishment, doubly so seeing it printed in Pediatrics. And is prolly an article that everyone here with any of the D.S.D. could benefit from. At least it shows that progress is being made.

[miriam]

A panel of 50 Pediatricians,

Just published their Consensus Statement on Management of Intersex Disorders (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/full/118/2/e488) in Pediatrics - Official Journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics (http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/). There is some excellent, I.M.H.O., and progressive advice on just the subject of when and how to discuss one's child having one of the D.S.D. (formerly Intersex conditions), and much, much more.

It's a very good read and something I was amazed to see come out of the medical establishment, doubly so seeing it printed in Pediatrics. And is prolly an article that everyone here with any of the D.S.D. could benefit from. At least it shows that progress is being made.

Sorry, I have to tell you that I disagree with you about that article. First, most of the people who attended the Chicago 2005 consensus meeting are NOT pediatricians. Second, the document has a lot of one-liners that are only used to hide that there is not much consensus at all.

Groeten, Miriam

PS I bet that in about a year time we will not use the initialism DSD anymore.

[Kailana]

Hello Linda,

My two cents, isnt worth so much, but i hope it may help some. Many children's behavior fluctuates from time to time. Yes i have no children, but i have friends and Siblings who do. I have watched so many "Dads" get upset when there sons play with girls toys, and Mother's get upset with boys toys. Some have gotten so offended at there childrens behavior just because they werent acting particularly like boys or girls respectively. I am unaware of exactly what Kayleighs behavior is like, Not that i think it actually matters: she is who she is, And is probably just imitating the people around her. From time to time it may be a brother, sister, friend, Mother, father, uncle, aunt, grandfather, grandmother, or whatever. i thought she was still quite young?

Is it possible that perhaps you are subconsciously judging her behavior with a more judgemental eye? Shes a child, let her be a child. if she is old enough to ask a question, then answer her. That may be my best advice for you and your family. There aren't any good ages, or best times to tell someone what they are, or how they are different, or from my opinion special. They need to know when they become curious about themselves, there body's, why they look one way, but there friends look another.

As for the Dr. Phil Show, well i hope you find answers there, it sounds like you got some helpful advice. From my perspective "I thank you" and "bless you". Thats must of been a tough decision. I believe people need to know about so many things that have been hidden. People need exposure to other possibilities. Now then i tend to believe in more then the two genders, or maybe there are no genders, Just people who are uniqely different from one another. each has gifts, talents, skills, that others can benefit from. i think any exposure is beneficial too society. So thank you.
Once again, i hope not too offend, particularly about the being overly judgemental about her behavior. I think it may just be curiosity. But i dont know her, so its just an opinion. Too she may be having some issues, that are kinda common, She has older brothers doesnt she? This kinda goes back to the immitating others behavior. She may just like how her brothers are being treated. You know, sort of like (Dad plays catch with the boys, but not me) stuff. I know my own sisters had some issues with my father, about him spending time with me and my brother, but not them. Or maybe its that they are older and can do more things. Who knows the mind of a child then a child. Have you asked your other children what Kaileigh talks about to them. Sometimes children will only tell parents what they think they want to hear. You might get some answers, that are contrary to what shes able to tell you.

Thats all for now i think.
And I really want to express how happy, I am that you post as much as you do. That you are as concerned as much about the welfare of Kaileigh as you are. And that you are as wise as you are as to come here time and time again to ask for advice, listen to our complaints and gripes, and still have the courage to come back. So thank you , thank you.
With all my heart, best wishes and love to you and your family

[kayleighsmom]

That was such a beautiful post and it means more to me than a mere 2 cents I'll tell ya that! I'm sorry I've been away. Dealing with my own personal health issues, but I seem to be on the mend now though a still little ... uh well, blah!

Anyway, I think you are right about the children emulating different people in their family. She has shown signs (before we found out about her AIS) that she was behaving a little differently than her sister who is 2 yrs older. For instance, in theory, she is supposed to emulate the sibling closest to her for most of her behavior. (I don't take a whole lot of stock in *theory* but this is what made us start to think.) And as early as potty training copied her brothers who were about 6 & 10 years older than she is.

I understand Kayleigh is small, she's 4, but her behavior is so striking sometimes that we wanted to be open to the possibility of... well, about anything! The one thing that alarmed me the most, I suppose, is the constant questions about her gender from her. And I say "alarmed" only because when I would just kind of "state the facts", she would have a temper tantrum from he**! And it alarmed me because I was afraid that *I* wasn't directing her the way that I should as a parent.

Dr. P's advice to us was that we just kinda watch her and let her take the lead, that we would know more in the next 2-3 years. And I think many people here agree with that advice, so I'm just going to hope I can manage to keep that wonderful, outgoing, charming child of mine with her self-esteem intact.

You are right about the decision to go on the show, it was a difficult one. The reality that we, as a family, would be open up for inspection I did not take lightly. Spoke with the whole family about it and rehashed everything over and over AND OVER and decided that it would overall be a postive thing for everyone.

The whole show wasn't about us. We were actually the 4th and last guests. The first 3 were basically transexual issues and other who have identity crisis'. They started with adult issues and worked the way down to children issues. I was so moved by the guests before us that I didn't worry, wonder or second-guess why we were there. They were there for their own problems, ya know? But I have to admit that when we got back home, one of my sisters with AIS was very upset about it.

I was completely taken aback by that because she was my #1 priority when it came to whether or not to do the show. I sent her every scrap of info and we discussed everything that I knew about the show, etc. That would have been the "deal-breaker" for me, if I knew she didn't support what we were doing. And I told her over and over, please let me know if this is going to upset you or you don't want us to do this. It wasn't until after we got back that she was upset. That bothers me... a lot. Because my intention was never to hurt anyone.

I do want to say that despite the other guests, I think they dealt with *our* specific issues separately from theirs, but it's all perspective, I guess. I mean, what other kind of guests are they going to have on there? I didn't expect any less. They did tell me that it would be other people with gender issues. We got all positive feedback from audience members, etc. People coming up to us and just saying, "don't worry, you're doing a great job."

Anyway, I know I'm blabbing about the show, but I hadn't had a chance to really tell anyone about what happened. And let me say from the bottom of my heart that I appreciate your positive remarks. It's not going to be a bed of roses and I expect ANYTHING to happen after the show airs. The best thing I can hope for is: 1. my sister deals with her issues, 2. Kayleigh has gotten help, 3. having helpful advice from a specialist, 4. our community continues to embrace us and teach their children tolerance and acceptance of others who are different. I hope these aren't lofty goals - but that's what I would hope would happen.

One thing I don't remember if I said before is that all of our neighbors, friends and family are already aware of Kayleigh's IS condition and nobody has treated her any differently. If they had, I don't think I would have had the courage to go on the show. Ironically, the ONLY negative comments I've ever gotten about her is from drs who are "specialists" in the area. Go figure. Guess I shouldn't be surprised by that by now.

Sorry this post is so long and thanks for listening, if you made it this far.

With much love to Kailana and everyone who continues to help and support us,

Linda

[prince....ss?]

The more you type the more I am concerned about what you are saying. I know you are not my biggest fan here at BLO and I am fine with that. But I do speak my mind and the truth as I see it.

From your last post you said;
“She has shown signs (before we found out about her AIS) that she was behaving a little differently than her sister who is 2 yrs older.”

This tells me that when it came to changing diapers that this condition was not readably apparent. So she could go through childhood not needing to hide her body. What I’m trying to say is that if someone saw her in a swim suit you would not notice any difference. Am I wrong in that assumption? So it took a medical test to determine this?

Now my point you posted;
“One thing I don't remember if I said before is that all of our neighbors, friends and family are already aware of Kayleigh's IS condition and nobody has treated her any differently.”

I know I told you the shame and secrets were the worst part of my experience, but I think you are taking this to the other extreme. If you can not see external differences then why tell the world about her condition. It’s one thing to tell Kayleigh about her condition and help her understand things. It cool to tell family so they can help and support you. But now I see that you are openly discussing it with just neighbors then add national television Dr. Phil into the mix. Good god woman, what are you doing?

You have violated Kayleigh’s right to privacy with out her permission, you have shared her medical history to absolute strangers and striped her choice of whom she shares this information with. You have also broke her confidence with you. So you have armed the mean little girl and boy bullies she will be schooling with and one day she will thank you for blabbing this to the whole world. Is this any different then the unnecessary surgery that was forced upon us without our consent?

I can see that with this your primary topic point with neighbors (her condition) that you also make this the primary point between you and Kayleigh. I now understand her confusion.

I know you won’t believe this but this was not meant to be mean. But if you take it as so, then so be it. I will not blow sunshine up your ass to have you like me, I would rather have you hate me but take a close look at what your actions will do to Kayleigh. Believe it or not I care about Kayleigh and I would hate to see you do her harm and have her resent you as she grows up.

Prince….ss?

[Kailana]

Princ....s

Is it possible that with having older kids, that the majority of the neighborhood, know, because they have mentioned something.

i can see where you are comming from, with going to far?

But i also see where Linda's comming from.

So far, As long as she doesn't have Keyleigh drop her drawers/lift her skirt to show people what Kayleigh has or doesnt have, I haven't read anything that might be construed as going to far. Yes, it could be wiser, to let Kayleigh to decide who knows what and how much. But, what if the neighbors know, because they heard the other kids talking about it. Discretion isn't a skill children know. They speak about things they overhear, see on t.v., or whats not supposed to be talked about.

I'm sure Linda's doing her best. Or at least trying to do her best. I applaud her for that. I hope she doesn't take your post as harsh. I did, but, that is only my perspective.

Perhaps, it would be best to just say, Becarefull of not going to far. I'm sure that Kayleigh is having some difficulties, but most of us, have had those difficulties. That is something we each share in common. I feel that i would of accepted/found my own self identity much sooner and without the dramatization that occurred had i known as a child what i was, and just how much surgery i have had. Rather then at 22, serving in the military, talking to Doctor's i didn't know, and not having anyone to talk too other then Shrinks, and Doctors, because i was too afraid to talk too my friends out of fear of being teased, harrassed and humiliated. My mother kept hanging up on me everytime i tried bringing this up. I think its a great deal easier on a child, they have an innocents in them that as we age lose. They have an acceptance/tolerance that as we age sometimes gets lost. Will it be difficult, of course it will. But, better that it occur now, when she is still emotional bonded too her parents, then when she is older, and independant. That i think has a huge impact on some of the worst struggles with acceptance become involved/entangled. I see, particularly young adulthood as perhaps the worst time to find out. Its a very hard blow to one's ego/I.D. When one should be finding out who they are too be for the rest of there lives, is not a good time to find out, they have been lied too for years.

Id say more but can't think.
best wishes all

[prince....ss?]

Perhaps you see the harshness in my words that stem from my childhood experiences. This is why I posted my last thoughts. I have surgical scars that were not hidden in open gym class. If my shirt raised up you could see the scar that runs from hip bone to hip bone. This is just one of my outward apparent differences. My Mother had to explain my scars with the story that I almost died when I was born and that I did not have any ovaries. This is the story only the family was given, never a word out side the family. With me she left out the whole male pseudo- hermaphrodite thing…oops!!! In the 7th grade I told my best friend that I was not able to have children because I did not have ovaries. That was a bad year, I lost all of my friends and was excluded from everything. Gee that was for the lack of ovaries. I can’t imagine what my life would have been like if the whole town knew that I was “reassigned” to female at 11 days old. It would have been nice if my mother had “the talk” with me at some point. But instead she had them stunt my growth at 17 years old with heavy hormones. They trashed my teens and twenties because of the hormones that I did not react well to, this also did not help my military career. My mother encouraged my sisters to donate eggs so that I could have children. (Now that would have been interesting) I also attribute this secret to my failed relationships by finding real manly men to offset my not so womanly characteristics. So my men had to be more manly than myself that was not easy. They tend to be the real jerks. Then at 43 years old I opened my medical records that used words like “male pseudo- hermaphrodite” the surgical notes that reassigned me to female or the fact that I did not have a first name for 11 days because they did not know if I should have a girls name or a boys name.

So that is my short story of my dirty little secret. I don’t think my life would have been good if my mom told the town or got on TV stating that I was a male pseudo- hermaphrodite. It would have been nice if she told me. Perhaps my mother would have been more talkative if trendy terms like IS, intersex or DSD were around back then.

This is my point of view, harsh or not, just the way I see it.

Prince....ss?

[Kailana]

Priest....sss
Many of us have scars, Mine like yours stand out, and it wasnt just the gym class, its wearing a tank top, going shirtless at the waterpark, and city pool, the backyard and any other time some one commented on why, or where did i get those from. Gym was just the worst, undressing in the locker room sucked, bad when i was a teen. Military wasn't much better. I was asked so many times that it really became one of my major flaws. Being so very self conscious/critical of my own body. I understand how you feel when it comes to scars. Those are not my only ones, just the ones that people see and ask about. How could I explain them, when i had no knowledge of what was done to me as an infant. i only see harshness, because that is how your words read, i didn't mean to upset you, just give possible reasons for why Linda's neighbors knew about her daughter.

For everyone:
I mentioned the part about showing, lifting skirt/dropping drawers, to her curious friends, because that is what my mother did to me, That is one of the things i will never forgive my mother for. i understand your pain, i have lived with it. Many of us have. It's not easy living with the scars, or unusual anatomical disparitys that tend to get made fun of, or be the cause for being picked on, or the things that just out of a simple curiousity get asked about and are cause for pain, or buried fear that there gonna find out your(i'm) different.

Life is a long proccess dedicated to learning, coping, searching and finding solutions. nothings perfect, but trying makes the world better.

[Meadow]

Dear Linda (Kayleighsmom)

Have been looking at the Dr Phil schedule and have not yet seen where the program is going to run. It was indicated that it was going to be the 17th of October, but it does not look like it is going to be on this week at all. Any updates?

[kayleighsmom]

I know. I called the producers and they said that it will be on at a later date and they would "let me know". don't know what thats all about, but i'll keep everyone posted!

Linda