steve/lisa
06-16-07, 01:11 AM
After one of the worst few days I've had in awhile,ended up thinking I'll tell her everything moments,Well just gonna back up a few yrs for a min,she excepted me as i was at the time hard working guy that dessed up once in awhile she knew at the time we married about lisa,See at that time I had already been thru the cancer and such,And all the dna and such.I knew finally what i was,but did not dare speak of it cause of all the things that was said to me about when i talked to the priest and loosing a good girl when i told her every thing i knew,said she could not bare living with one such as me.So i was not going to loose the next one buy saying everything to her.any,Did'nt make much sense did that,Well any I'm quit in a mental mess right now so please forgive me for the random thoughts.I really blew it when last month I told her all about me,What I really am my actual DNA makup and showed most of the papers about me DR reports and such,Thought she took it well,Thought O.K. I have nothing to lose by doing this really STUPIED thing,well last wk I was cycling again and not handling it well,It goes into my adomin and really tears me up loose bowels,bad cramps,sick to my stomach,sweats,now i get a shooting pain from my ovary down to my right knee and can hardly walk on it.I mean it just stops me in my tracks,
Anyway I was a mess and she asks whats wrong you look like your having a period,I answered I am and it's not kind this time and she acted like she did'nt know anything about me,It was like talking to a stranger or something,Anyway so i explained again about me and she answered i did'nt know you had one left??? Anyway so i told her again, she said go get it taken out,So I am filing for a devoirce on tues the 19 of june,So once again trying to be totally honest,I did it again been just a stupied one, If I learned anything this time around It's NEVER say anything about me to anyone AGAIN! Other than here amongest my friends,And good people in here. Got all my new crowns in all new front teeth,WOW they look great tho,
So i think when this mess is over with I'm just going to be lisa,and thats all they will know and let them(anyone) think what they want cause I have to be happy,I have to be.???????????? Just am so tired of being so sad all the time,the other day i was siting and thinking of things mother said when i confronted her about this,she really did'nt know as much about it as i did but filled in some gaps,And the thing she said over and over was I knew you should have been a girl !I asked if the birth reports,I mean did it really happen like that.(hdn) she said for the first and last time to me she was sorry for how she treated me all my life.(badly)See everytime she would (lets say it kindly) would disapline me afterwards she would say things like you should have been a girl.Your much to pretty for a boy ! when i lost the first teste she did'nt even call me to say how are you,a few yrs later when i lost the next one(an ovateste)on left side,(Thats part of the reason all the test went on after that,the blood,tissues from all over me inside and out,finding the back cell line of blood,the dang bone marrow biopsy (That really sucked)hurts real bad.And the fact the cis platinum need a little increase to work and the reg kemo,In that whole time my mother not once came to see me or call to find out how i felt.In fact my brother was at the time living off of me and it got to uncomfertable for his delicate sence of mind so she bought him a 30 ft trailer and moved it to the other side of town,So he would not have to help me,I managed with the help of my only friend soulmate i have ever had she stood by me and made me better.She's a sweet heart she'ed hold my head while I threw up and wipe my face off and say to me no worries I'm here to help you threw this or bury you afterwards,But mostly she said she's standing by me nomatter what.!! Now she has atage 4 colon cancer but is responding to kemo and such very well.You know she new about what i was she was their when they did alot of these tests on me I have but one regret I should have married her,The other day we were talking about that and she ask me why i did'nt ask her,she said cause i would have been honored to have married you.She kinda shocked me when she said that,she also said that she aways loved me for me,And she said with a smirky kinda laugh that she really liked my body,Thought it was really kool and exciting to her.Well i really miss that one back then I guess it went right over my head,well was kinda real sick at the time,I went from 190lbs to 120lbs during that time of my life,I had decide to let it take me,put off treatment for along time,then she showed up at my door walked in and said O.K.which DR do I take you to cause if he does'nt cut it out i will.!!!!! dang it if she did'nt wake me up.
So she talked to the DR's and got me going on treatment and surgery and more treatment after surgery and held my hand thru all the testing and such,And thinking of late it went right over my head.
But we are the best of friends still and she still worries about me,And me about her.She is the only person alive that knows everything about my type,not only what i am but who i am inside.
she called the other day and ask me,or said to me i know your going to runaway after this stuff with her is over,But you will stay in contact with me won't you.Well she always knew what i thought, i guess befor i did, i said i would always be in contact with her.and i always keep my word untill that person releases me from it,Well friends kinda tired, it's late for me, sorry for not making any sense tonite but had a rough wk. Good nite to all Lisa .finally got my puter fixed so I'll try to be on nitely till the service exspires.bye bye for tonite.
Anyway I was a mess and she asks whats wrong you look like your having a period,I answered I am and it's not kind this time and she acted like she did'nt know anything about me,It was like talking to a stranger or something,Anyway so i explained again about me and she answered i did'nt know you had one left??? Anyway so i told her again, she said go get it taken out,So I am filing for a devoirce on tues the 19 of june,So once again trying to be totally honest,I did it again been just a stupied one, If I learned anything this time around It's NEVER say anything about me to anyone AGAIN! Other than here amongest my friends,And good people in here. Got all my new crowns in all new front teeth,WOW they look great tho,
So i think when this mess is over with I'm just going to be lisa,and thats all they will know and let them(anyone) think what they want cause I have to be happy,I have to be.???????????? Just am so tired of being so sad all the time,the other day i was siting and thinking of things mother said when i confronted her about this,she really did'nt know as much about it as i did but filled in some gaps,And the thing she said over and over was I knew you should have been a girl !I asked if the birth reports,I mean did it really happen like that.(hdn) she said for the first and last time to me she was sorry for how she treated me all my life.(badly)See everytime she would (lets say it kindly) would disapline me afterwards she would say things like you should have been a girl.Your much to pretty for a boy ! when i lost the first teste she did'nt even call me to say how are you,a few yrs later when i lost the next one(an ovateste)on left side,(Thats part of the reason all the test went on after that,the blood,tissues from all over me inside and out,finding the back cell line of blood,the dang bone marrow biopsy (That really sucked)hurts real bad.And the fact the cis platinum need a little increase to work and the reg kemo,In that whole time my mother not once came to see me or call to find out how i felt.In fact my brother was at the time living off of me and it got to uncomfertable for his delicate sence of mind so she bought him a 30 ft trailer and moved it to the other side of town,So he would not have to help me,I managed with the help of my only friend soulmate i have ever had she stood by me and made me better.She's a sweet heart she'ed hold my head while I threw up and wipe my face off and say to me no worries I'm here to help you threw this or bury you afterwards,But mostly she said she's standing by me nomatter what.!! Now she has atage 4 colon cancer but is responding to kemo and such very well.You know she new about what i was she was their when they did alot of these tests on me I have but one regret I should have married her,The other day we were talking about that and she ask me why i did'nt ask her,she said cause i would have been honored to have married you.She kinda shocked me when she said that,she also said that she aways loved me for me,And she said with a smirky kinda laugh that she really liked my body,Thought it was really kool and exciting to her.Well i really miss that one back then I guess it went right over my head,well was kinda real sick at the time,I went from 190lbs to 120lbs during that time of my life,I had decide to let it take me,put off treatment for along time,then she showed up at my door walked in and said O.K.which DR do I take you to cause if he does'nt cut it out i will.!!!!! dang it if she did'nt wake me up.
So she talked to the DR's and got me going on treatment and surgery and more treatment after surgery and held my hand thru all the testing and such,And thinking of late it went right over my head.
But we are the best of friends still and she still worries about me,And me about her.She is the only person alive that knows everything about my type,not only what i am but who i am inside.
she called the other day and ask me,or said to me i know your going to runaway after this stuff with her is over,But you will stay in contact with me won't you.Well she always knew what i thought, i guess befor i did, i said i would always be in contact with her.and i always keep my word untill that person releases me from it,Well friends kinda tired, it's late for me, sorry for not making any sense tonite but had a rough wk. Good nite to all Lisa .finally got my puter fixed so I'll try to be on nitely till the service exspires.bye bye for tonite.