Need advice

[juliemarie]

I have posted to this board some time ago. Briefly I was born a hermaphrodite. My parents left the decision up to me. Ten years go I had corrective surgery and am "all female." I was test for kleinfelters but was, quite frankly, afraid to hear the results of the test. As my therapist said, it wasn't until just recently that I was able to say the word "hermaphrodite" in her office. I am still dealing with this even in my fourties.

I have been dealing with depression since the woman I was married to left me after 10 years (she cheated on me). Some people around me didn't see the reason for the pain since it was two women together. They didn't see it as the same. For a long time it felt as if there was no future. I met a sister I didn't even know I had until recently, and we are going into business together. She watched over me the first few months but even sisters have their limits. At one point my sister and I had a couple of fights. It was my first experience being anyone's sister and I was sure I had lost my only family. (all my other family is dead or disowned me).

Recently a nice guy about 10 years younger than I asked me out on a date. I knew from the first he had kleinfelters syndrome. He is soon to be a published author (he just sold his first book). He recently told me he loves me. I am not sure if this is just a line to get me into bed or if he really does. I am not even sure if I CAN love him. The idea of sex still scare me. He has more than hinted around at his intent in this area.

You would think with someone to date. Having found a sister. Going into business with that sister. Having found friends that things would be looking up for me. They aren't.

I am still depressed.

Alone in the night like this the walls seem to close in on me. I was recently diagnosed with Degenerative Joint Disease (I still don't know what it means besides that the pain is keeping me awake).

Around Christmas time I tried to commit suicide. I always thought it would be a matter of "strength" to do it. Yet in a moment the pills were in my hand and down my throat. I was mad at myself, at having been born like this, at having (I thought) lost my sister. In the end there weren't enough pills of the right kind but to make me very ill.

I dont' know why I can't pull myself out of this depression. Yes, I am seeing a therapist now. Yes, I am on wellbutrin and prozac. This still doesn't seem to help.

I don't know what to do. I feel like I am at the end of my rope.

[Glenn]

Hi,

I'm not remotely qualified, but I'll throw in a couple observations and see if that strikes a chord.

It sounds to me like you're drowning in the big picture. Maybe it would help to change your focus to the here and now. Let the big issues take care of themselves for a little bit, and just focus on the short term. Try to remember what you like to do that makes you feel good. Set a little goal that you can reach in a couple of days. It might sound silly, but sometimes that helps me get through rough times.

Glenn

[Ashley]

Hi Julie. I see that you are in the midwest, I will be traveling out there very soon to be a guest speaker, I would be more then happy to talk to you about some of your problems you are going through. It's not always easy for any of us to say but (I have been there and done that) allot of times it's we who are creating our own problems and don't realize it . But one thing that helps is talking to others that understand what you are going through, I won't hesitate to tell you that the worst thing that you are doing is takeing those pills. Doctors don't try to fix the problem they only treat the symptoms. Please don't take this wrong I am not telling you to stop takeing them yet but you need to ween yourself away from them. As far as the bone disorder you are haveing it is due to a lack of proper nutritian and can be cured simply through your diet. If you would like to talk please email me and I will listen, Ashley

[Betsy]

Hi Juliemarie,

I am sorry to hear that you are not doing so well right now. I wish I had the magic words or potion to share with you but I don't. However, I agree so much with Glenn about focusing on what you can control...even if they are little things. Set little goals and then reward yourself with something that makes you feel good---those rewards can be any number of things...maybe something you like to do like a movie, maybe food or (chocolate!). Soon you may find yourself rewarding yourself all day long. When you wake and get that first glimpse of yourself in the mirror, remind yourself that you are special, and that you are loved and wanted in this world...

Banish that ugly "H" word from your vocabularly...it's a bad word with all sorts of misunderstandings about it. Alot of people use intersex, but you don't have to...you are a person first and foremost...not intersex, not a hermaphrodite, not anything else but you...Juliemarie.

Also, feel free to call us here at Bodies if you just need to talk...someone is usually around to answer the phone.

Hugs,

Betsy

[juliemarie]

To make matters worse I talked to my long lost sister yesterday who started screaming at me no the telephone. She was sure that I was after the control of her little business venture. I tried to tell her that money meant nothing to me and family...after having been disowned by all of them...meant everything. I almost lost my last relative over money. We made up eventually but see a lot less of each other. I find myself wondering what is wrong with me as a human being. Why did the ex feel she had to step out on me. Why was my sister sure I wanted to take over her business idea...especially after all of the help and care I gave her. Why did God stick me in this body? I am making more friends but I am still miserable. Being alone weighs on me like a stone.I have a hard time taking interest in anything let alone rewarding myself for something. I used to think I was a good person. I have my doubts now.

[Rudy]

Hi Juliemarie
just wanted to say your not alone, depression really bytes and can get to you. I want to say that you have a right to feel depressed. It hurts when a signifigant other steps out on you. Im sorry to hear your having to go threw with that. For whatever reason she left, the reason is hers not yours. It hurts, god how i know it hurts. But you can get over it in time.
Try not to think that theres something wrong with you no matter how low you may feel. you are a wonderfull person. Your new friend sees that. I forgot his name. sorry. take time to know him, let him know that your not interested in sex. Build a friendship first and then build on that. I am happy that you found your sister and even with all the current turmoil, it sounds as if your working on building trust with eachother. keep taking small steps. It'll pay off in the long run.
Not sure how to give you advice on the meds, ive been on those exact same meds and a few others over the last few years. Ive also made the mistake of overdosing. Its hard for me to admit Ive always believed that i was stronger in my convictions and wouldn't ever attempt suicide. I did though,(twice), almost ended my short life the second time. Im stronger now for it though. I hope you are too. I feel that i learned from it the hard way. Depressin really does byte, But there are still things worth living for. My hope for me is that someday ill have a family, most likely threw adoption as im sterile, or threw marriage, i know theres someone out there for me i just havent found her yet.
I really hope you read this. Id like to get to know you better. You sound like a really nice person, someone id like to get to know as a friend. And as far as being different well i know for a definate fact that i m different(xy/xo), guess we all are in some ways, cherish it. it makes you Unique.
Rudy

[juliemarie]

Thank you for the post. While I do not bear the ex any animosity, it was not easy to have my trust betrayed. I have offered my sister whatever help I can in the spirit of altruism with no conditions attached. We are beginning to mend our relationship. I have begun to turn back to my spirituality to pull myself out of the depression but once in the depression it seems hard to pull myself out of. A good friend once told me that one of the best ways was to help others. My sister and I had been talking about founding a holy order where people of all religions would be welcome. Part of the mission would be to help people who were born like me. I spoke to a priest today about the idea and he was of the opinion that I should have kept my past to myself...like I had something to be ashamed of..."What are you worried about" I asked him? It was as if he felt intersexed people did not deserve someone to care about them.

[Ashley]

quote;;;I spoke to a priest today about the idea and he was of the opinion that I should have kept my past to myself...like I had something to be ashamed of..."What are you worried about" I asked him? It was as if he felt intersexed people did not deserve someone to care about them.

I personally would like to me this priest. it is obvious he has no knowledge of the bible. I am very much a christian and very active in the church as well as in other things, it saddans me to think that any body claiming to be of the cloth would even make such a statement. Jules follow your heart and open it to the good lord and he will guide you in all things and through his strength you will find strength, Got to Run Bye Ashley

[juliemarie]

In the end, after talking to my sister, we are simply going to start our Holy Order ourselves and make helping intersexed people one of our goals (as well as the many other people I have met who think God has forgotten them). We are filing articles of incorporation as a non-profit. It will be a bit hard at first with no one to depend on but ourselves but no one said it would be easy I guess. Even though I have turned back to my spirituality, now that the marriage is over, I feel as if I have been thrown away with the trash. I am trying very hard to turn things around.

[Glenn]

juliemarie - are you really forming a non-prophet organization? What's it called?

Glenn the inquisitive

[juliemarie]

Yes, we are starting a Holy Order ourselves. The point is to have a place where women of all faiths will be welcome. We wanted to work toward interfaith unity as well as serving others that feel God has forgotten them. As I discuss this with the founding members of the Holy Order, there is little doubt that any of the established faiths will support the idea of nuns of many faiths together...including those faiths that didn't have nuns to start with.

A buddhist friend once told me that one of the best ways to help yourself is to help others. This is part of my way to do that.

I am still having a problem each night however, with what I don't know what to call but "night terrors." Laying here sure that I am alone in the world (I am not)...with this terror of being alone again through the night after nine years of not being alone through the night. I am just so tired of it and I don't know what to do.

[Andi]

Oh, don't get me started on the organized religions. I doubt there's one of them that actually practices what it preaches.
But enough of that. It's entirely possible he wasn't saying that as a priest, but as a gendered person. You know they think in the limited "you're a boy or a girl" mold. You can see this in other aspects of society as well. Those sayings that all start with "There's 2 kinds of people..." (how many variations of that one are there?) One person I've chatted with a few times gave me the perfect responce for that one. It goes: There's 2 kinds of people. Those who go around thinking there's only 2 kinds of people & those who have opinions worth half a damn.
Well, I liked it anyway.

Andi

Originally posted by juliemarie
Thank you for the post. While I do not bear the ex any animosity, it was not easy to have my trust betrayed. I have offered my sister whatever help I can in the spirit of altruism with no conditions attached. We are beginning to mend our relationship. I have begun to turn back to my spirituality to pull myself out of the depression but once in the depression it seems hard to pull myself out of. A good friend once told me that one of the best ways was to help others. My sister and I had been talking about founding a holy order where people of all religions would be welcome. Part of the mission would be to help people who were born like me. I spoke to a priest today about the idea and he was of the opinion that I should have kept my past to myself...like I had something to be ashamed of..."What are you worried about" I asked him? It was as if he felt intersexed people did not deserve someone to care about them.

[Glenn]

Yes, Andi, there are two kinds of people. Those who divide people into two kinds, and those who don't.

I heard that one long before I knew about IS; it's even more amusing now.

But what you're saying is so true. Many people are very threatened by the thought of gender being anything but strictly M/F. In my limited experience, they tend to be slightly older people, who grew up with very clear gender roles and expectations. Younger people have seen more frequent examples of famous people who don't play by the rules (David Bowie, Boy George, Grace Jones, Prince, etc.), so it's okay to blur the lines.

Unfortunately, like most forms of prejudice, polarized gender concepts are very hard to change.

Glenn

[Andi]

"Many people are very threatened by the thought of gender being anything but strictly M/F. In my limited experience, they tend to be slightly older people, who grew up with very clear gender roles and expectations. Younger people have seen more frequent examples of famous people who don't play by the rules (David Bowie, Boy George, Grace Jones, Prince, etc.), so it's okay to blur the lines."

Yes but those are entertainers. Most people think of them as a odd sort. And it's different to many when an entertainer does something cross gender. Think of Milton Berle in the 50s. Even then people found it funny when we wore a dress, but do you really think they'd have taken it so easily if "Junior" decided he wanted to go to school wearing eyeliner?
Sure, people are somewhat more accepting now. But it's still a long road before people are ready to fully accept IS people for who we are. Even transgendereds don't have this, since they typically claim to identify themselves as one gender. There have been some talk shows with IS people on them & I think that at least broke the silence, the 'deep dark secret' as it were.
As much as I'd like to say that in time acceptance will no longer be an issue, I am more inclined to believe that medical science will just find ways for parents to "correct" their children while still in the womb. I invite everyone else to post your thoughts.

Andi

[juliemarie]

I have had co-workers so upset that my birth certificate says female that one started yelling at me in the office. I have had many experiences where individuals have held on to there views with a death grip, allowing for no other views. Most of the people who knew me had no idea I was born both genders. As a client recently told me (one of the many who seem to come out to me every so often) Gay men and lesbian women at least seem to get treated with a degree of decency in public (Yes I have been called "Tunafish" by gay men on occasion) but as someone who was born intergendered there have been times when I was treated like I was an abomination. I have been asked many times to write a book...finally I started and am almost finished with it. I used to think there was no place for the book until today a dear friend came back from the funeral of a young man who committed suicide because his minister father wouldn't accept his gay son.