Long Road

[PJ]

Hello. I am new here. Just turned 49. I've been down a long road... raised male, skinny, short, somewhat intellectual. I loved baseball... tried to play, good fielder, contact hitter (too small for power)... loved music (Guitar, Drums)... tried to fit in, despite the usual stories of locker-room abuse and social outcastism (Yeah, I was picked on, beaten up, called queer, freak... I even had 5 or 6 times when I was purposely tripped in the shower so that the football gang could get a "look" at my genitalia... and I was ostracized) So I learned to keep to myself. --- When I was in college, the first time I was "away from home", the local MD told me about how I was different down below. He did a number of tests... told me I had a broken x chromasome that acted like a y. I didn't know until then I had anything wrong physically. I was raised catholic and I remember my mother actually telling me never to look at the other boy's in the locker room... I have to believe she knew I would see a difference. But, I never did look. I wanted to be a good catholic, in fact I was supposed to become a priest, my college was a seminary.
Anyway, this MD told me I was supposed to be female, that's why I was so short and skinny... etc. So, the s$%# hit the fan and my parents got really angry with him and there were priests involved and ... well bottom line is I finished college but I wasn't able to become a priest... so I began a long strange road with drugs and as a Rock musician and then computer programming and experiments in cross-dressing and dating guys and girls and well, I do feel I should have been female all along. And at age 30, I had surgery to get rid of male and become female. I have had relationships with both men and women since then and I loved them all... but they never worked out. A few years ago, I saw a special on the discovery channel and began to ask some real questions. I got another series of tests done. The MD said I had not exactly AIS but something similar... He said there are over 75 known different forms of this thing and because my surgery had removed all the old male and female tissue, he can't tell me which one I had for sure. So I guess I just have to go on from here. The interesting thing is I do not have a sex drive... never did... is that common? But I do feel in my heart, I can get breathless when I am attracted to a guy. I have been "in love" twice. But, because I was not sexual, lost both of them. This hurt them, they both felt I was rejecting them, but I wasn't ... they didn't understand... But now I choose to be alone, cause I don't want to have to explain anymore... I don't want to hurt anyone anymore... still, I am lonely... is this striking a chord with anyone? Is there any hope for me? I am not a monster, but I feel like people see me that way...

[Betsy]

Hi PJ,

Welcome to Bodies Like Ours. We have a ton of people here (and some post more than others) so chances are there is someone similar to yourself out here. And since we grow everyday with new users, and visitors, the odds are always getting better. The best part is, I'm pretty sure none of our users will see or regard you as a monster. They'll see you as a caring, thoughtful human being.

Again, welcome to Bodies, and thank-you for jumping right in by introducing yourself. Even at 49, or 19, or 39 or 79, it is never too late to lift the veil of shame and secrecy so many of so spent a lifetime under.

Betsy

[beach]

yea WHAT betsy said................oh ya and welcome beach

[juliemarie]

Hi PJ,

I wanted to bid you welcome. After all of the surgeries one day I realized I was no longer sure who "my type" is. I dated some men. The attraction was nothing more than physical I am afraid. I dated some woman and married one who asked me to marry her. I currently live alone after being left for another woman. However I am by myself as I once was. Although the ex kept me under her thumb and resented my trying to make any friends...as a result of being single again I found a long lost sister. I have made new friends. I have even casually dated a guy with kleinfelters syndrome. He has accepted the fact that the relationship will never be a physical one. The project my sister and I are currently engaged in has given me a new direction and a new lease on life. Yes, it is tough but I am determined to accomplish the dream my sister and I have set out on...to help as many people as we can in the end.

Again...welcome.

Juliemarie

[Glenn]

Welcome aboard!
Sounds like a lot of us share parts of your story. Don't know that's necessarily "good", but at least it's consoling.
I got typical male parts, but also little interest in sex. The jury's still out whether I'll lose my wife because of it. She still regards me as "broken", and is hoping I'll get "fixed". *sigh*

Glenn

[Jules]

You have a family of friends hear you understand, feel free to vent, talk, or email me, I would love to hear form you Jules

[PJ]

I would like to thank you all for the welcomes... I don't know where to begin... I have many questions... but I guess they all center around these 3... How can a god who loves let this happen to us? How can our families be so ashamed of us that they lie to us and deny/exile us? and how can I stop carrying around the weight of that shame and self loathing? I know these are pretty heavy weight questions... but they seem to be my greatest barrers in combatting my depression and isolation... any ideas? -PJ

[Andi]

Well PJ, there are no easy answers for those questions. I think we all need to find these answers for ourselves. But that doesn't mean we can't learn from others & maybe get pointed in the right direction of our own personal answers. That's what this board is for: so we can all share our ideas & insights to find the answers to whatever questions we may have. I hope you find us helpful.

Andi