on sex (CAH)

[Ana]

Hi!

This was the only thread on sexual matters that I could find, so I work it from here. Sorry if I´m in the totally wrong place, though!
Perhaps a kind soul could guide me right then??

I do not know where else to turn to...I´ve talked to some friends, but I believe BLO might be the right forum for this.
I am a partner of an intersexed person and we´re in a "lesbian" relationship. I say "lesbian" as my partner does not really identify "herself" as female/dyke.

Well, our sexlife was working out pretty fine at first... but it then rapidly decreased after a few months. The main reason, is my partners lack of sensation. Sex becomes quite boring for her, as I can feel so much more than her - due to the operations she´s gone through.

I do understand this, and I try not to make such a great deal about it, as there are other important things to focus on in a relationship. It´s working out fine except from this...
But I somehow fear, that this will eventually be the end of our relationship, if it does continue this way...
We've talked about it, but I really don´t want to push her, as this is a quite vulnerable spot in our relationship.

I´d like to point out however, that a decreasing sexlife is quite a common thing in lesbian relationships, and that many lesbian couples stays together even if they don´t sleep with each other.

Anyone with similar experiences? I´d be grateful to hear from you!

Best regards A

[Jules]

I happen to know people who can climax other ways then though their gentila. The part of the brain that controls sex drive is the hypothalmus. It is not damaged during gentail surgery. It is possible that you may have to get far more creative with sex if the gentials have little to no sensation do to surgery by learning how to pick up on other sexual sensorys in the skin, like the nipples, feet or hands or even kissing. I have had major reconstrution myself and still have good sensation myself in my gentials, but thats only my exsperense.
What is interesting that there is a new class of sexual behavoir called A-sexuals. Or they have no to very little sex drive, and it is not always related to being intersexed. Lesbains seem to have a higher case of A-sexualism compared to hertosexuals. It has been writen now that 1.5% of hetros could be A-sexual as well. It has a lot more to do with the brain then gentitals. Although shame from gentials surgery could very well cause tramma that might block sexual resptors in the hypothamus. Look at the fact though that some otherwise happy normal gay and strieght people fit in that class. It just might be one of the sexual defrences that make up all people. I guess it all depends on how important sex is to you. Possably theripy could help, to find out if it is just relatated to sensation or if it is far more pyscological like if there ever was a interest in sex at all through your partners life. The intersexed are such woderfuly unquie people on there own, I hope that you can work thing out.
Yes ther are things much more important then just sex in the relationship
:) I hope I have helped some

[Ana]

Hi Jules!

Thank´s for your reply! :)

Yes, I think you´re right!

The brain is in fact a greater "sex organ" than the genitals. That is important to keep in mind. Sexual problems might not *necessarily* depend mainly on intersexed conditions - although of course there might be traumas, lack of self esteem and sensation due to surgeries.
I think that it might as well be other reasons,
f.ex not feeling attracted - or safe - enough to/with your partner, not being comfortable with you body, feelings of alienation from your body and sexuality, not knowing how your body and sexuality works etc.

I think though, in this case, that my partner has not felt that sex is something for her, really. Sex is for other so called "normal functioning" people out there, not for her... That is what she has told me... Instead, it is easy to sort of "giving up" on sexuality, as it only reminds her of her lack of sensation.
It would be great if she could speak to other intersexed people about this.

Best wishes A

[Betsy]

Ana,

I also have CAH. My clitoris was totally amputated from me when I was 4 months old.

I know with myself, it took a long time for me to be really comfortable with my body (and thus good sexual relations) because of the body image issues I had. Most of that I think came from the frequent genital exams I endured as a child and some previous rejection I experienced when I was first becoming sexually active. When we have CAH, sometimes we are wondering if we can ever be "lesbian enough" due to the trauma we experience as children.

I would really try to be as supportive as you possibly can. Also, as Jules mentioned, try some creativity and also communicate. Ask your girl what she likes...fantasies...what feels good, what doesn't.

One thing that did me wonders sexually was a woman long ago who found a part of my body (lol...something she had never seen before and that I was previously quite ashamed of) and we were able to do some amazing things because of it. If you want to write me off line (you can use PM) I can share a bit more because it is kind of graphic but many with CAH that I have talked to have also done it and it worked wonders. Cheers,

Betsy

PS...some with CAH also enjoy strap-ons to replace what was taken from them as children.

[Kaads]

Hi! I competely agree with the statement that brain is the main sexual organ. OK- it is because I have partial androgen insensitivity and, after surgery in childhood almost no other sexual organs excepting brain. But it is no matter to give up and stop enjoying live. So the situatuation for me seems to have more psychological aspect rather than physical. When something similar happens to me I usually try some new experiments or just some change in daily life like having crazy week end trip just aroung. When one have some trouble and no matter if it is normal or IS person it leads to diminished sexual activity so my advice will be almost the same that Betsy`s -shake up life. It works.
By the way - hello from Latvia, have your ever been here in Riga?

[Girlyboy]

Hey, at least you are a loving and caring relationship. That's a bonus. I guess I should thank my lucky stars that I have some of the gear from the two main genders (I love my breasts!). But I have no partner to share my desires and love with. To quote Billy Conally; Thank goodness for masturbation, God's little gift to the lonely amoungst us. :)

Being raised as a girl, then a girl/boy then a boy has left me pretty socially inept. I wonder if there's a web site for socially inept people to meet greet and then take over the world. :)

And while we're talking of answering life's mysteries, why can't you buy decent bras that fit well but aren't made of cotton or microfibre! What ever happened to the Berli Secrets bra! I really can't find a nice comfortable fitting bra any more. Not for the last year at least. It is beginningto drive me crazy.

Okay, I've had my vent for the week. :)