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Hi,
I've lurked here for awhile and just wanted to say I think you are all very thoughtful and couragous for sharing your stories.
I'm unsure if I belong here or not but there are issues and questions I have about my body that I simply have not been able to find answers for. When my Mother was alive I was simply to embarassed or ashamed to talk about it, and once I reached adulthood I was to leary and frightened of doctors to seek answers. My father left while I was in high school and he has not been a part of my life since.
What I do know. I was raised as a boy. I had a micropenis. I identified as a girl and that behavior wasn't tolerated by my parents. I remember from an early age spending time in doctor's offices where they took special interest in my genitals. At age 6 I was diagnosed with migraines and treated for that as well. I was always the smallest "boy" in my class, passive, and strangers often thought I was a girl. As a teen I remember being given testosterone injections in order to induce puberty as I was physically behind the other boys. I also developed small breasts which wasn't normal for a skinny "boy" like me. The shots continued and I remember how fascinated the doctor was with my penis. He assured me everything would be normal. Mind you at this age I was trying to fit in. I never saw a boys naked body in my life until PE class in 9th grade. At this age we were expected to shower, which meant others would see my body as well. Although always female-minded I was trying to adapt. Little did I know how different I looked until the moment they saw me naked. I was ridiculed and humiliated the moment they saw my body. The torment continued through high school.
The shots continued and I did begin to develop some secondary male sex characteristics. I grew a foot taller, my voice deepened, but still no body hair. My penis and testicles didn't grow much either, nor did I experience any erections which was probably a good thing!!!
I spent a few years at a community college before transferring to a university. Since I identified female and was raised as a boy I just assumed I was a transsexual with a tiny, non-functioning penis. It never occurred to me that I could be anything else. So I did extensive research on that topic and approached a University Counselor. I explained my situation to the counselor, who happened to be a gay man, and his suggestion was for me to live as an effiminate gay man. That didn't sit well with me! My mother was a religious woman who I adored dearly so I was afraid to confront her or ask any questions about my early doctor visits. Instead I tried to kill myself. I failed.
I soon dropped out of college and began totally isolating myself. I would take graveyard shift jobs to avoid social interaction. Even if I had identified as male, intimacy would have been physically impossible. The fact that I didn't identify male even made my situation more excruciating. I did produce a very low level of testosterone, so eventually I grew sparse facial and body hair, but nothing like male relatives. I looked about 16 when I turned 30.
When my Mother passed away I finally decided to do something. I still assumed I was only TS, so began seeing I began seeing a therapist for surgery letters. I had no insurance and little money so I fully intended to go the DIY route for HRT. I saw a doctor for initial bloodwork, and he, like the other doctors I remember, was fascinated by my penis size. He was the first to suggest I might be intersexed, but I didn't pursue further tests. The next time I saw a doctor was when I met my surgeon for my pre-vaginoplasty examination. He specializes in the PI technique for TS women and I was would pose quite a challenge for him. I had next to nothing to work with and required two incredibly long and hideous skin grafts. He said I was the second "smallest" patient he had ever worked on.
I guess it should not matter at this point yet I can't help but think of my horrible childhood and wonder if there was more to this. On one hand with my ingrained gender identity at an early age it's easy to assume I am only TS. But unlike typical TS women, I had known physical abnormalities with my body. From what I have read, low grade PAIS seems a distinct possibility. I have also read extensively that in the sixties (when I was born) many "males" born with ambiguous genitals, or a micropenis were reassigned at birth. Others like myself given testosterone injections. It seems the later is the most accepted practice now, but I am obviously one who would have benefitted from early surgery. I don't blame my parents, doctors, or anyone else, but I wonder if surgery was considered. I may never know what happened, or what was considered, during those early years. That seems so unfair!!!
I guess I should say something about myself now!!! I'm thirtysomething, have my own small business, and am hopelessly heterosexual. Dating (and sex) has been an adventure, and I'm amazed at the attention I get. Of course I never know how guys will react when I tell them my past, nor did I know how functional my neovagina would be. It's not perfect, but better than what I had before.
Wow that was long!
Alison
Alison,
Welcome to Bodies Like Ours!
Betsy
Glad your lurking transformed into sharing, as it is a wonderful step towards self acceptance.
One thing though:
"but I am obviously one who would have benefitted from early surgery."
Of course, hindsight being 20/20, and the grass is always greener, but there is no way of knowing how any child will grow into their sexuality. Surgery is at best a 50/50 guess, and we know now that many surgeries create bodies that don't fit the mind of the beholder.
It's too easy to think: "but I am obviously one who would have benefitted from early surgery." because you would have still needed HRT to feel like/develop like other females. You never would have gotten your period, which to any girl marks 'becoming a woman'. You might have been teased in a different locker room, still reeling from the sting of those memories.
We should each be entitled to make our own choices and resolutions as they best fit. We shouldn't have to spend our lives trying to fit into a place that feels alien. You tried showing who you really were to your parents, but they wouldn't tollerate it.
The new protocol encourages parents to let their children be whoever it is they FEEL like. Assigning all children boy or girl with the knowledge that gender is fluid and the early assignment might change. No surgical assignment or 'normalization' ever reinforces what's in our brain. Surgery should be our decision: when, where and how.
This is not an easy road, we never would have chosen it, but it is ours.
Keep Posting!
Janet
Hi Janet & Betsy,
Thanks for the welcome!
And Janet you are right, hindsight is 20/20. I actually advocate waiting until a child is old enough to make a decision on surgery. Obviously studies show an alarming number who had surgeries as infants would not have voluntarily done so. If I had an IS child I would give them a gender neutral name and allow them to make that decision around puberty.
I guess my case is ironic because I did not have reassignment surgery during a time when it was actually quite common. If I had I'm sure I would have encountered other issues, but in my case it would have likely worked out better. Boys didn't accept me as one of them, nor did girls accept me as one of them. It was like I was denied a childhood.
Obviously there is a huge social stigma attached to this, perhaps even greater when later in life you decide to change. Most of my extended family did not embrace or support my decision. My employer at the time would not support my decision. I am in the unenviable position of having to explain my situation to every prospective partner I meet. It's humiliating to have a date walk out in the middle of dinner because he can't deal with this. Yes I wonder if the reaction would have been different if I had surgery as a child, or consentual surgery as a teen.
I'm ecstatic about my decision--life has never been better for me, yet I do have unanswered questions that haunt me to this day. I still do not trust people in the Medical Community--I should be seeing an OB-GYN and an Endocrinologist but I don't. I am still unclear of certain legal ramifications-can I marry, adopt children, etc. I could go on!!!
For peace of mind I guess I should unearth any information/early medical records I can.
I apologize for my rant!
Alison
hi alison," a decision at puberty it happend to me ,and the docs still made "there" 'decision. ..... its all up to them in the long run..anyway ......sorry had to bicth..... welcome to BLO...,beach
I think it is very interesting that you think that gender reasignment would have worked for you. While a lot of people think that gential surgery is about cosmetics. I think early gential surgery has more to do with teaching very young children that "most" people do fit into a male or female role. If you "teach" a young child that boys become men and girls become woman then what do you tell or teach a hermaphidite child or toddler what they will become??? It is interesting that you never got to look at a regular boys gentials untill you were older. I think you could have been spared a lot of emotional pain if you had surgery at birth because really good surgery can make funtional female gentials look as normal as any other girl. Not that it wouldn't have been tough but you might have coped a little better. Gender though is still anyones guess! Not all gential surgery has good outcomes. My mother died as well when I was twenty leaving me to search for my own answers. I'm glad that a very tough choice was made for me at birth. Even though I still had issues concerning my mother, and school becuase of my tomboyish ways, I still see myself as in the female role. I'm glad you have come a long way in discovering yourself. There are realy nice, and well educated people here who share many diffrent views on being intersexed and how they should be helped. I belevie that all people should be able to choose ther gender and even there sex if they feel that ther sex change doesn't fit them. I can't think of anything worse then to put a grave choice on a child to pick ther sex at a young age when they could just as easly pick the wrong sex for themselfs with pressure from the parents. I am for the do "something" at birth approch as to just do nothing and let nature take its course, Nature is very very crewl! As you found out. Not everyone agrees with me, but both sides of a coin must be seen if your going to be objective, I did want to say "welcome to bodies" We welcome your story and will try in any way possible to help and who knows your story just might help someone else;)
RGMCjim
05-02-03, 08:37 PM
Alison,
I have a friend (Michaela) whose story is so close to yours it is spooky. She only has access to her girlfriend's (a MtF) computer. Would you like me to set it up for the two of you to talk? We're in Rochester, NY.
Jim
you can email me direct at rgmcjim@hotmail.com
Hi Alison:
This is the first time I have ever written. Our stories start out the same. I too was born with a micropenis. I don't remeber what it looked like. I remeber that by the time I was 4 or 5 I had undergone a couple of surgeries with skin grafts to enlarge my penis. Earlier in my life, I was less than a year old when my parents were introduced to a sexologist named John Money who tried to convince my parents to have me undergo a sex reassignment to become a girl. My parents were so offended by him. The surgeons did not support his nature versus nurture theory and convinced my parents that I was male and they could correct the "abnormality". Well, of course I was less than a year old and had no say. I always felt like a boy as a child but unlike your horrible Gym experience, I was never allowed to particpate in gym and showers were out of the question (I had a medical leave from gym class). I too had never seen another boy naked until the 10th grade except in pictures. It was shocking to me. I had many girlfriends but of course no real intimate sexual experience and I became quite aware that If my girlfriend ever saw another guy, she was going to know I was different.
Years after the multiple surgeries and the embarrassing physical exams I still didn't look normal. I knew I never would and thought that maybe I should have been reassigned. I explained this all to my childhood surgeon and he told me I was still going to be fine. I could have erections to orgasm but since the end of the penis was man made, both phallous and urethra, that part never became fully erect. He offered me an implant that failed miserably. That was devastating to me and I decided I would live my life alone. Because of low testosterone levels I looked sort of androgynous and both lesbians and gay men hit on me. I now identify as a bisexual male and am reasonably happy, well educated and have many friends but only 2 know of my medical history. I have a girlfriend now and I was not able to tell her directly. I sat her down at this web site and just let her ask questions. We have been together now for 4 months.
I read a study last year that showed men with micropenis, given high doses of testosterone from childhood on, had increased penis size and normal function. This was as experimental as the surgery they did on me or that they did with sexual reassignment. I wish I had not had surgery and had been assigned to get high dose testosterone but they didn't listen to patients then, especiallyif you were a child. I think our parents just didn't know what to do. I don't blame mine anymore, but regret not having the opportunity to decide for myself. Well after reading for months, I quess I had a lot to say. Best of luck.
David
Perhaps some of us have extra genetics that provide immense bravery. No matter how many stories I feel priviledged enough to read, I am always shocked and saddened by the truths of our struggles. And, I am amazed that we survive at all.
Thank you for sharing your story, and for sharing this site with your friend. Our voices carry much weight with the new sentry of doctors that want to change the current medical protocol of early surgeries cloaked in lies. Everytime you tell your story, someone's mind will be changed because their heart will be moved by the wrongs you suffered.
Don't wait months to speak again! Welcome to our very real world,
Janet
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to thank everyone for replying and apologize for not responding sooner. I've been very busy of late.
Jim: I may email you soon. When I was "transitioning" I spent some time on TS Boards and even went to a few Support Groups. I met one girl online whose story was similar to mine. Obviously there are a lot of tragic stories of those born with a micropenis who were surgically reassigned as children only to revert back to living as males, but I wonder if there is a substantial number like myself who were raised as boys who changed later in life. I would suspect the percentages are far greater than non-IS patients who transition. I'm not advocating early surgery by at all, but I am curious if there are more like me who would have opted for surgery as a teen if given that opportunity.
David: Thanks for sharing your story! It really takes a lot of courage to open up and I'm glad you did.
I, like you, wish I had control over what was done with my body. I do think high dosages of testosterone should be the first option for those male-identified boys born with a micropenis. By the age of 11-12 I think you are mature enough to make a decision when presented the pros and cons. I'm not a doctor, but what I have read is that a fairly high percentage of boys born with a micropenis fare well with this type of treatment. It usually doesn't ever produce an average size penis, but from what I've read most will at least be functional and large enough for normal sexual relations. The treatments were not as successful on me aside from the fact I identified female. They did induce some masculinization of my body/voice, but obviously not as much as they hoped. My penis didn't really grow much either, nor did I have erections which may have been psychological or hormonal or both. I was "encouraged" to explore this but I didn't! Had I identified as male I am sure I would have sought the surgeries you had. I was simply too small to function sexually if I wanted to. I was probably on the smaller end of the micropenis spectrum.
I'm glad you didn't have to endure showers. Identity aside, it was so obvious looking at the boys in the shower that I wasn't normal--not even close. Plus puberty is really a time of self-discovery and boys especially become quite proud of their equipment! Right or wrong, I think parents and doctors often base their decisions on situations like these. Peer pressure to conform, to look like the other boys or girls. Personally it was a humiliating experience.
I'm glad you are happy and have found some peace. I, like you, don't tell many friends of my situation. I didn't before I transitioned, and don't now. Before I transitioned I only had a couple of guy friends and wouldn't dare let them know. They would talk about sex or their penises and I would just nod or BS! I really had no clue. No one was going to see my body anyway. Now I have a lot of female friends, and most are not aware of my condition/past. Once again I have to nod and BS when they talk about periods and certain body issues. I've told one friend I can't have children but didn't tell her why. It's hard! I'm obviously more comfortable with my body now, but I also realize I still look "different" down there. Ironically it's not as obvious as before, but I do fear close inspections. I had one brief relationship with another woman which was the only time I've seen another vulva close up. Yes mine is different! I did have sex with two men I didn't tell, but now I prefer letting them know. As my other thread indicates it's the most difficult issue I now face. If I ever met a man and he told me he had a micropenis I would certainly be more than understanding.
Good luck to you!
Alison
Leigh Cote'
05-12-03, 04:35 PM
Hi Alison,
I've been lurking in the shadows for a long time also despairing of finding a kindred soul.I also probably have partial AIS, but with some major differences. At birth I appeared to be a girl and was given a girl's name, but apparently a penis descended after I was brought home from the hospital. My parents obviously decided to raise me as a boy and never told me anything about this ambiguity. I thought I was a boy until puberty when I began menstruating and my breasts started to grow. I hid this from my Puritanical parents and, since I had severe asthma I was spared the embarrassment of having to take showers with the boys although I was still teased about my feminine appearance.Oddly enough I still had enough of a testosterone level to perform, but only with great effort.Being totally naive and ignorant of what was going on I also thought I was a transvestite which only made matters worse. In order to prove to my father I was all man I married and with a super human effort actually sired two beautiful girls. Shortly after, my body stopped producing testosterone almost all together and I became totally impotent.Without the benefit of surgery or prescribed estrogens my body became more and more feminine and every vestige of masculinity began to wither away. My testicles are down to the size of BBs and my penis seems to be receding into my body. After seeing my birth certificate for the first time I finally opened my eyes to what would be very obvious to anyone else. I found that my vagina was constricted which probably accounted for gradual flowing over more than the usual 5 or 6 days.I really freaked out once when I began to lactate, but that only happened once. After my daughters were born my breasts became so large I had to wear over-sized shirts and I couldn't go to the beach anymore. My wife and her therapist also considered me to be a transvestite which she couldn't handle and divorced me. I don't really blame her as I could not satify her sexually. The estrogen had a much greater influence on my body than the testosterone and now I have the physiolgy of a woman almost 100%. I had my doubts for a long time as to just what the hell I was, but I lost a lot of weight yet ended up a 38C-30 1/2-40 without taking anything. I always did feel like a woman and finally started living full time that way.My daughters, friends and relatives know all about me and I have been blessed with a total acceptance and understanding. My libido is still non-existant so I don't feel the necessity of any operation. My only regret was not accepting the reality of what was happening a long time ago and trying, instead, to fullfill everyone else's expectations of what I should be. This is a thumbnail sketch, but even among the intesexed we are rare birds and its always nice to know at least we aren't one-of-a-kind. Be happy that you at least can engage in sexual relationships.
Leigh
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