another personal story added...

[Betsy]

Hi everyone,

Today I added an very personal story from Caitlin. Caitlin is an intersex activist I have presented with. She is 19 and a really cool person. I'm happy that she was willing to share her own story because it is an important one, and one that needs to be shared.

http://www.bodieslikeours.org/personalstories/teensstories.html

Betsy

[grover]

Hi. I'm new to this forum. A friend sent it to me. I just read caitlin's story, and i want to thank caitlin for sharing it. I am really stunned right now just because i've never read or heard another story that sounded so much like mine. I thought i was really really alone in many aspects of my experience, and i thank her for sharing it.

I'm a queer activist and a genderqueer trans identified person, and i've sadly met a lot of invisibility in my experience in these communities. As i was coming out as trans, i began having flashbacks and memories to what i call my mutilation, and told a good friend about them. He suggested i might be and look under the intersexed community. I looked and was slightly comforted, but saw mostly people who were born with conditions radically different than mine. I have/had problems identifying and using the term intersexed to describe myself, because the word in trans/queer communities is so loaded and sensitive (rightfully so) and used (in my opinion) erraneously by transsexual individuals to describe the dysphoria between being born with a body that doesn't match their gender and then having surgery to make changes to that body. Ever time i used the word i felt i had to defend my experience by explaining my entire story. In fact, at true spirit (an ftm spectrumed trans confrence) someone accused me of co-opting the term quite venemently in front of many people and i was never given an opportunity to explain myself. INstead when i perform and speak and write i say that i am mutilated because that is how i feel.

SHortly after puberty i was bleeding a little bit, but nothing could permeate my vagina. I eventually told my mom about it and followed many months of poking and prodding and "don't worry you're fine just one more test" visits to the gyno. They told me i just had "excessive tissue" and it was totally normal and then took me to the hospital like it was any other day and "created a penetratable canal" and sent me home. My mother never spoke of it again, i was told i was to tell everyone i had a doctors appointment and i sat bleeding into thick gauze pads for a few days completely detached from my body. When i became sexually active, my girlfriend tried to put a finger in me and couldn't even get a pinky in because there was so much scar tissue. After some years of painful and rare penetrative sex the scar tissue broke off. I am still so detached from those areas of my body, however i dont' ever want touched and if i am penetrated i cry and scream and lash out at things. Ever since my surgery i've had consistent never-ending yeast infections (going on... six or seven years now) that have been attempted to be treated by gynocologists and herbalist but still never truly stops. I feel like my body was taken from me without my consent while i was still just a kid, all so i could be penetrated and have babies like a "good woman should". When i confronted my mother on the situation and told her i felt violated, invaded and raped by the medical system she told me i was overexaggerating and if she had to choose again she'd do it again, even though the condition had no harmful potential. I've been trying to deal with this for the past three years by doing a lot of writing, a lot of talking to good people, and challenging myself to live inside my body and be really present with how i feel or don't feel in my flesh. I am really excited to have found this forum, and i am really thankful to have this opportunity to speak. The stories i have read show me there are other strong people out there, and i am thankful for you sharing.

Thank you so much

grover

[Betsy]

Grover,

Welcome to Bodies Like Ours, and thank-you for sharing your story. It's a hard thing to do, which I understand because I have been there too. I still am, for that matter that despite my own "being out", struggling everyday. Little bits and pieces are constantly finding their way to the surface.

I want to respond more to what you wrote and I will tomorrow. I'm a bit fried because it is so late but when daylight comes, I will.

Again, I'm happy for you, that you...grover, the individual--and not grover, the person who others think you are or are not, has found this community. Don't listen to those people who try to tell you who you are or who you are not. Only you can truly know that because your experience is yours alone (but often identified with by many in our unique community) Does that make sense? Gosh, I hope so.

Betsy

[Betsy]

HI Grover,

I hope you have had a chance to read what I wrote early this am/last night.

You may also want to check out our youth project called QueerBodies. Find it at http://www.queerbodies.org. The site isn't done yet (like this site, probably never will be) but the people behind it are hard at work in creating a unique space. In fact, Caitlin is one of the people behind it. Another lives in DC.

You are dead on about the term intersex within the genderqueer/trans community. It is a bit loaded, and it can get messy. Last weekend, I spoke at length about this at the SAFE Conference.

Yes, there are some trans folk who co-opt the term when they are not intersex. I suppose those that do think it validates their experience. Then, there are many trans people who find out they are indeed intersex within the course of their journey. Heck, I've stopped counting the number of FTM guys who approach me after one of my talks and start telling me how their clitoris is so big is functions as a workable penis and when I ask how big, am convinced they are intersexed based upon that purely physicial issue (assuming they haven't taken Vitamin T--and I do ask FWIW) Some of these guys have tried to find that validation previously and were shunned, much like you have experienced.

One of the things we strive for with Bodies is, you are not required to do a genital check or karotype check before entering. We hope that those who are not IS, take the time to read about our struggles as a group. Sometimes it helps them in their own journey by realizing that maybe they aren't intersexed like they so wanted to believe but that they okay and valid regardless.

I always suggest that if there is question, they get their med records, and if possible talk to close relatives possible about what they remember from when they were young and if there were any surgeries. In your case, as in many, sometimes things aren't discovered until later in puberty, or even later in some instances.

Part of the reason the term is so loaded is also because people don't understand it. There are many orgs which have adopted an I, yet have no clue what it means. I can't tell you how many times we get a request to sit on a trans panel because even the so-called leaders and experts don't get it. We often use this as a great opportunity to explain the difference. One thing I want to make clear however, is that while not all intersex people are trans (contrary to what some think), some are. Likewise, not all trans people are intersex, but some are. We recognize that and embrace that here at Bodies.

Grover, I hope this helps you some, and gives you the strength to set those who think we should have genital checks to prove our "degree of intersexuality" right. If you want, feel free to contact me personally or one of the young people behind Queer Bodies.

Betsy Driver