View Full Version : How do you tell potential partners?
I am curious as to when and how other members of this board tell partners of their condition. How would you gauge their reactions? Surprised? Shocked? Repulsed? Indifferent? Has anyone's prospective partner rejected you solely because of your condition?
I ask these questions because, for me, this is the most traumatic issue I face. Oddly enough I handled rejection pretty well from certain family members but I have been devestated after potential partners rejected me because of this. 25% of the guys I have told never saw or spoke to me again. Of those who initially were accepting, only one seemed totally unaffected by my news. The others just drifted away--maybe because of this, maybe not. Maybe they were just curious. Sometimes I wonder if this will prevent any man from committing long-term to me. I tried one relationship with a woman and she was by far the most understanding and supportive. I guess I really wanted to see if I could change my sexual orientation simply because women are generally more sympathetic and understanding. She was, but I soon realized I couldn't simply change my orientation for this reason. It doesn't work like that!!!
Anyway I'm just curious how others here have dealt with these issues. Hopefully everyone has partners and is madly in love :)
Hi Alison,
I want to answer your question in two parts...(well, maybe three)
The first part is before I knew how to discuss what was queer about my body. I hoped that no one would notice and I tried to fly under the radar. For the most part, it was a dismal failure. I wasn't being honest with myself and as a result, couldn't be honest with my partners because I was still buying into the shame, and secrecy I had been taught.
The second part is that once I knew how to explain my body to potential partners and was open with the facts (and allowing them to be open with me without fear of me freaking out) I found my own sexual experiences to be a hundred-fold better. Please understand, that is even without a clitoris. When I was dating, I actually started to encourage my partner to look around some. At first, this inadvertantly put me in a really bad place because it brought back so many memories of not so good medical exams. But once I realized I was controlling the variables in it, it worked great. Again, it also helped that I was able to explain stuff some.
Finally, last time I did the dating dance, I would tell them before our first sexual encounter. I try not to sleep with people on a first date (ah, but sometimes I didn't always stick with my word) and I would gently tell them and answer their questions. Sure, I am confident that I only got laid a few times out of curiosity but that was only because I didn't care about the future of the relationship either.
As far as a relationship lasting, it's good to remember the biggest sex organ we possess is between our ears and not our legs. We often have serious committment and intimacy issues if we are raised with secrecy and shame. We are taught quickly that our body is bad and therefore we end up thinking that no one could ever love us. That is in our minds and I don't think it is the truth at all.
One of those past relationships (and truly someone who I owe lot of my own mental sanity to) explained ever so gently to me during a really bad time in my life that I would be really desirable with the right attitude. At the time, I wasn't very good with honesty about my body, and concerns but those parting words from her did incredible things for me. In fact, it was one of the seeds that eventually gave me the courage to start speaking out and the eventual birth of Bodies Like Ours.
Recently, this was the subject of a spoken word performance I did recently in NYC (a tape of this can be had for a $100 donation to Bodies). I even mentioned it (not her specifically as we only 10 minutes) during my interview on Metro TV and how the knowledge and openess I now have has enhanced my sex life despite the adversity of overcoming the lack of sensation due to surgeries.
I hope this helps you some, Alison. It can be done, and once you find that place, it is a good place to be.
Warmly,
Betsy
just to stick my 2 cents in ,"straight" women are NOT understanding, i can't tell you how many times i heard in my youth ,from some girl after telling HER ,say "WELL IM NOT GAY".... so even i had better luck in the bi&lesbian comunitee...and im MALE!!! {ok well sorta} so it all point of veiw..... beach
Most 'average' (since we're above average in so many ways!) people don't even think about discussing their body parts before they become intimate with a partner. I used to envy people that had it so 'easy'. Intimacy was/is always a difficult bridge to cross, filled with apprehension instead of joy. None of that stopped me though, and I guess I hoped no one would notice, comment or turn away. I told myself, "think nothing of it". I didn't know how to talk about my body... just didn't have the words. What I felt I lacked in body, I overcompensated with my want to be (and feel) desirable. I became a sexual overachiever. I had many long relationships that ended for various reasons, none of which had to do with my unique body as far as my lovers were concerned. It was the damaged brain that was inside that body that has always brought my house down.
It is a quick reflex to think that it is our bodies look that is responsible for every rejection, every ending. Try to turn away from those thoughts.
"The others just drifted away--maybe because of this, maybe not."
Hold onto the "maybe not", as relationships end for so many other reasons than the one we are all so quick to blame. Instead of thinking, "I wasn't enough for them." try
"They weren't enough for me." The lovers that drifted away... perhaps in time you would have pushed them away instead. To be sure, we especially need compassionate souls in our partners because our emotional roads have been so difficult. You don't find too many people with those souls, especially not in our teens & 20's, partly I think because compassionate souls take longer to grow.
Janet
"When you realize the value of all life, you dwell less on what is past and concentrate on the preservation of the future." Dian Fossey
Well Alison, like I sais in a post I made a few months ago (I think it was my intro post to here), I have gotten a variety of responces. One actually asked me what I was, some were put off, others tried to play it cool, but eventually it became obvious they were uncomfortable. Others seemed fascinated...too fascinated. But there have been the rare occasions when someone is able to take it in stride. I've also done the "bringing it up as an outside subject" thing too. Once in a while one of the crappy talk shows will air a show about intersexuality & I have used that to bring it up. I ask how they would react to finding out the person they were dating was IS & use that. It's not entirely accurate, since a lot of people will say it wouldn't be a big deal then, since it's still in the abstract (or to appear to be tolerant), but it becomes a different story when it is reality. But like I said, there are some who are able to not get all stupid about it.
I can't give you an easy answer as to when is it right to tell someone. I have always had to go by feel. When I feel like it's time, then I try to get the courage to say something & hope for the best. You don't always get the results you want, but one can hope, right?
Andi
[QUOTE]Originally posted by alison
[B]I am curious as to when and how other members of this board tell partners of their condition. How would you gauge their reactions? Surprised? Shocked? Repulsed? Indifferent? Has anyone's prospective partner rejected you solely because of your condition?
Most negative ,
sure guys always look at me funny but I do not let that bother me.
If they cannot comprehend there are those who are unique in this world.
I have never had an individual evr want to get with me because of my
IS condition.
I have had 3 experiences growing up in my younger days where men wanted to try me but I would not go all the way with them.
Men had always tried to pressure me into getting laid but I am not into men and as Betsy says I am who I am and when the buttons fly so do they.
I have had 3 experiences with females too,all 3 were very impressive.
I have had both genders and I would perfer an individual who is not hung up with all the gibberish of male and female.
Az1
Muhoe
claraJane
05-06-03, 01:59 PM
alison,
So much depends on what you yourself think of your condition. If you treat as something shameful then likely they will as well. If you treat it as no big deal they may also.
I disclosed things gradually and the man who is now my husband took it all in stride. He's diabetic and he thought that his condition might actually have a more profound effect on our relationship. And it probably has. Our honeymoon was the first time either of us had sexual relations with someone and we really don't have anyone else to compare against. We both simply accepted the other's frailties and past sins.
I rarely disclose much to friends or coworkers simply because I think it tends to lead them away from the truth. I'm a very transparent person and I want them to know <b>me</b> not some Jerry Springer stereotype. I do, however, generally give a straight answer when someone asks a question.
jane :)
Hi! alison!! I would have responded sooner, but this is final week for me and I'm up to my neck in school work. I have something to ad. Being intersexed is nothing to be ashamed of, in fact you can be proud that you have had a tough but unquie life. The things is, when your starting a new relationship, your partner projects their thoughts feelings and emotions on you. If your realy into your partner and optomistic about love, you will project yourself. Because I find personaly new relationships fragial, I have to be very carefull what I project. I feel that I need to protect my loved partners from pain and that includes talking about painfull situations If I don't have to. My life story has some facts to it that could be unfair of me to project on someone because people who are trying to start relationships try to put each other in each others shoes. It takes a very high funtioning person to grasp all of the complex past of my situation. So I don't feel a need to tell at least untill the relationship is much more developed.
Are there some tough momments, yes but I can choose to keep it happy, and project warm postive energry in to it. That makes relationships stronger. I just let them explore, when it comes to my body, so what if I'm diffrent if you don't like what I have theres the door. I've had a few people make jokes about my smallness, or the lube but I just roll with the punches, sex is a good funtion to me, to injoy it you have to be able to have fun and laugh. About my scars. Well, dimming the lights helps, and I've become skilled at not drawing attention to them. If they ask i just say" It was a "accident" Well it's true. :rolleyes: Most people don't push if I don't want to talk about it.
To me, some imformation is on a "need to know" system. If and when the right time comes, I do tend to know it or in a few cases sometimes they just figure it out, and are fine with it. It dosen't have to be a rock in your chest. If they start asking and that diffrent then projecting negative energy, I just tell the truth a little at a time. Now you may find they are a little compationate, that is if you have taken the time to develop a stronger bond with your partner. ;)
Anythings is possible with love.
hay jewles ,good ad-vice,,, heard that once before,oh yea it was from you!!!!!!... 3 mons right {smerk} .......beach
Originally posted by Betsy
[B]One of those past relationships, and truly someone who I owe a lot of my sainity to, explaned to me ever so so gently that I would be really desirable with the right attitude
The longer I live and the better I get at handling relationships, the more I realize the major impact of 'attitude' in life. It is more important then the past, then education, then money, then circumstances, then failures, then successes, then what other people say or do;) It is so much more important than appearances, giftedness, or skill.
The remarkable thing is-- we have the choice everyday of our lives regarding the attitude we embrace for that day.
We cannot change the past. We cannot change the fact that people act a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable.
The only thing, somethimes that we can do is play the one string that is ours.....our attitude.
Convinced that life is 10% what has hapend to us, and 90% how we react to it.. and so it is with you.. You are in charge of your attitude! Charles Swindoll
It is far more about your attitude about your body that effects how partners see you, and less about how they see your body.
How could we allow any partner to treat us crewl, when our bodies are diffrent? My answer to that is, that we may think that one voice, or one strong attitude cannot make a diffrence, that voice is our voice. We might think that the only way we will get our voice out is for us to form a large group and speak out togeather. But one person can make a diffrence, that person is you, and the diffrences you will make is in your life. By having the right attitude about yourself you attract people to you. Doors open, and our problems don't realy seem like problems any more. And even intersexuals find love:D
claraJane
05-07-03, 09:39 PM
hey beach,
So some straight women aren't understanding? Some might be jealous of your curves. ;)
ok ok your right not all !!!! im just bitter right now ,thank you CJ.....you make me blush....will i be seen'n you and the crew in MD..? beach......p.s im down to a size 4 jeans.
claraJane
05-07-03, 11:09 PM
Hey beach,
Yes, we'd love to see y'all again. Drop me a line when you know the dates. I'll see if I can find a local goth outfitter. Maybe my sixties duds will do tho. Anyone else live near enough to join us?
cjs
PS: Anyone at the fest carve handles for small, er, letter openers?
Hi everyone,
Thanks for all the responses!
I've tried just about every approach in the book--from telling on the first date to not telling at all (a couple of short escapades). I guess I'm at the point in my life where I'm now looking long-term. Maybe I'm naive but I still have dreams of marrying, adopting and having a family. And I'm running out of time! Middle age isn't that far away :-(
Anyway guess what I did earlier this week. I put an ad on match.com. I posted my picture and at the end of my essay I just stated I was born IS and I will give details later. I'm not sure if this was a good idea or bad idea but I thought perhaps I could weed out those who couldn't deal with this. Well it turned out to be a moot point because the fine folks at match.com have to approve your picture/essay before they list them on their site. They decided to edit out that part....sigh. Anyway I have a couple of dates this week so if I get a good vibe from either guy I may tell on a second date. It's just agonizing!
beach you are a size 4? Wanna trade? I'm struggling to stay a size 10! :mad:
PS: How do you post your pictures here? Not that my lil white doggie isn't cute...but I'm just curious!
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