why do I need surgery

[tbunker]

I am 17 and starting to become ready to be intaminte with my boy friend of a year. I would like to know if I need to have the surgery to have the full effect of sex? I have sooo many questions on this subsject.

[uriela]

Tiffany,

I would think it would depend on how comfortable you feel with the body you have. Of course, to have sex, why would you have to change anything? With surgery there is always a chance of being crippled or losing sensation.

You have most of your life ahead of you and you should do what is best for yourself. The way I am now there is no way I could have satisfying sex. Sheesh!
I must be het!

Anyhoooo!

Happy Birthday to you! Only one more year and you are FREE!

Dawn

[mark]

Tiffany, my concern here is that you get ALL your questions answered before you do anything. Many people here have written about how the surgery they underwent seemed to meet other people's agendas about how they should be, rather than what the IS person might have wanted, etc. I'm wondering if you've gotten enough guidance at home...... If not, find yourself a good therapist who will listen and advocate for your interests, etc.
You have all the time in the world to learn about all this and decide what is best for YOU. Also, keep in mind, you are 17, so naturally, there is much you are learning about alot of things right now. Don't be too hard on yourself , realize entering adulthood is challenging in its own right, and consider that where you are in your stage of life may require more time and learning , etc. before you'll be in the best position to make a good decision. Many people here have hard won experince with surgery; I'm sure they can offer good guidance to you. Good luck! Mark.

[Natasha (again)]

I must have missed this thread while I was away.

If you have such a question, then obviously you do not need surgery, at this time, in the very least. You may find that you want it later, but it is just too early to tell.

Please take your time, and really think this over. Allow yourself enough space, to make your own decision. Don't allow yourself to be persuaded either way. Only you can ever know if you do or do not.

I mean it Tiffany. Do not allow anyone to make your mind up for you, either one way or the other. You alone will have to live with the results.

By all means do, weigh the opinion of others. Just be very sure that in the end, it is your real opinion that wins out.

You will find everyone assumes they are an expert on this issue, for some odd reason. Those who themselves have never been faced with such an issue, may have the strongest opinions and more "assumed expertise", than those who really do have personal experience with this.

I believe that common sense would dictate, that you not "listen to" really, but consider the testimony of, those who know from personal experience. And by that I mean, those who as adults, have had that choice to make for themselves.

Time is a teacher, and so it stands to reason that allowing yourself time, *to make an informed decision*, is the only wise course.

I know that you alone know what is best for you, because we are all individuals.

I wish you well dear.

Natasha

[Jules]

I wanted to ad some insite here. WHen you ask if you need surgery to have sex you need to define "sex"
Most, but not all men define sex as penatration. If you can't be penatrated, you have to be very strong and upfront about the fact that sex with you does not include penatration. That can be tough. You might face rejection over it and if it happens to be some you love, saying that your better off becuase, he should love you as you are, doesn't stop the pain of rejection. Of course real Love relationships are not definded by intercourse. You can even claim that by only having oral sex that that act alone is sex. You see having sex is objective in regards to penatration, but I will stand by the fact that most men want intercourse of some kind. What if you don't like oral sex, don't you want to exsperance sex the way regular woman do? These are the questions you must ask yourself.
Also if you are under you parents insurance a very exspensive operation gets payed for. If you wait you might be shelling out a lot of money to have this operation if you change your mind later, and you might not get as good of a surgen as you might like. You also heal quicker, and there is less chance of perment nerve damage if you have surgery now as the body regenarates quicker at your age. My advice is even if your not 100% satified with your operation you at least will be able to be penatrated if the man you fall in love thinks that intercourse is important to him. If you don't like intercourse, at least you tried. I happen to think that sex is important in a long term relationship even if the bond with ours partners isn't always sexual. Remember that you are a whole person body and soul as you are, I'm not questioning that. But even I injoy penatration when I dilate and lesbains also injoy penatration. Most people don't regret the surgery if they choose it themselves even if the surgery is not quite sucsessfull as they would like it to be. It may seem I'm pushing for surgery but I just want you to think about all the options. Some intersexed people have done very well without surgery. I think it matter greaty what kind of support group you have. There are some parts of this country were anyone who is sexuly diffrent is a outcast. just like there are parts of this country were gays are not welcome. Please make you choice wisely, but always remember it is your choice.

[Natasha (again)]

Hi Jules, and all,

Well this being a matter of personal choice, and taking into account that we are all individuals, with varying needs and capabilities, I am forced to look back at myself at age 17.

My childhood was anything but typical. Yet as a human being I also realize, that I was for that reason at least somewhat typical.

I did not know who or what I was at 17. I was even wise enough to understand this, to some degree at least. I was unsure of my sexuality, as is typical I believe. I was confused about my sexual orientation for one thing, which is not uncommon either for that age.

I found myself at 17, less in touch with my true feelings about both my sex and gender, than I was during all the years preceding. There were social pressures to "fit in", parents to rebel against, and a terrifying world to contemplate. It was all just too much. Speaking only for myself, I believe that at that time I was less than qualified, to decide any irreversible course for myself.

I finally had surgery at age 49. To be honest I would have done it sooner, but I was unable to settle my confusion and inner conflict, until my late 20's. This terrific inner struggle consumed me utterly. As a result I was less than successful at school, and work. So I was in no position economically to afford such a procedure, and I also had a lot of emotional healing left undone as well. I resigned myself to being androgynous, and alone.

Regarding your other points Jules, all of which are thoughtful. I have to add to them the following.

Yes at 17 her parents may approve, but really we have as yet no idea if "she" is even female identified. It is possible that "he" refers to "his" boyfriend. I really do not know what the situation is in this regard, and I believe this is a crucial point to consider.

Yes we do heal more rapidly at a younger age. However I had surgery at age 49, and I healed both rapidly and perfectly. I am very satisfied with the results.

I am fully sensitive, orgasmic, and cosmetically the results are excellent also. I have no regrets at all.

Do I wish I had been allowed to have this done at age 9 or so, when I first begged my parents for this? Well here we venture into the murky waters of philosophy. I fear I can give no concise answer to that one.

My life while much easier and far less complicated "possibly", would have also been very different. Consequently I doubt I would be the same person I am today. As egotistical as this may sound, I rather like myself. I think I turned out pretty well. Not merely "considering the circumstances", or in spite of them, but rather, because of them.

Now this begs many questions, which trite answers will never appropriately address. I shall spare you.

Now I realize that my perspective is merely my own, and in no way is imbued with greater value than your own. I just thought I would offer it.

In the end, who tbunker is, is precisely what is at stake, and as well, who tbunker can be. Such is a decision made alone in the final analysis, and big decisions take time to make wisely.

Natasha

[Caitlin]

I just thought I would offer my personal opinion as someone who was fortunate enough to make my own decision on the surgery issue.

At 15 (I am now 20) I was diagnosed with MRKH. Immediately I was pressured to use dialation or surgery to create a vagina. At the time I was not emotionally ready to deal with the situation and put it off. I am really glad because I think if I had been ready to deal with things then I would have had a vagina made because of external pressures.

I never did have a vagina created and at this point in my life I do not forsee myself ever doing so. I have a perfectly happy and pleasurable sex life. Obviously I can not have intercourse but I do not feel like I am missing out on anything. I have found plenty of ways to have a fun and creative sex life.

I encourage you to really figure out what you want. I know I initially felt pressured to get a vagina because I thought otherwise my parters would think I was a freak or because I thought I could never give anyone else pleasure without intercourse. Alot of this was due to pressure put on me by doctors and also because of societies expectations for women.

Everyone is different and I support you 100% in whatever decision you choose to make. Just make sure you are making it for yourself and not for anyone else.

Good luck and feel free to email me or send me a private message if you want to talk.

Caitlin
caitlin@<hidden>

[Natasha (again)]

Yeah, exactly.

Natasha