View Full Version : Recent experience with being "outed"
I'm still struggling to deal with two recent friendships that ended on bad notes. A bi-sexual woman answered my personal ad after seeing my user ID and figuring out I am intersexed. She played up the idea she thought intersexed were special and called them Angels because we are of both genders like the Angels are said to be in the bible. Our friendship progressed for several months till she ended up staying at my place for awhile. I discovered much too late she was just using me to keep her up and to satisfy her quest to find and conquer (ie: sleep with) an intersexed person. I should say it really mattered to her to find an intersex that had mixed genitalia. Those with gonads opposite genitalia didn't suit her needs.
She urged me to become friends with a couple she knew. She told them I was a "hermaphrodite" without asking my opinion or telling me that they knew. I found out from them. After parting ways with her, I tried to remain friends with the couple, mainly the man who kept saying he didn't have any friends because they are working on the road so much and dont get opportunity to socialize. He seemed ok when we hang out together, until he emailed me and said he would consider it an "honor if I would show him my genitalia". As you can imagine that didn't go over well with me. I got into big argument with him a month later and basically told him to get lost.
Sorry if this is overly graphic and disturbs other IS. This is just bothering me how the ones so adamant that they accept intersexed and want to be friends really just want to use us for their own curousity. I'm tired of it. This isn't first time it has happened. I met a "nice Christian lady" as she described herself who was looking for intersexed female. She talked of marriage and moving to be with me. We met, she got what she wanted and disappeared from my life. How does one ever find a legitimate partner amid all the people with intersex fetishes? I just want to settle down and marry a woman. I'd like to adopt a child too. But how when you can't trust the one-genders?
Hi Angela
I´m one of the "one-sexed", living with an intersexed partner.
But I am quite appalled by the way some people think of IS as a sexual fetish. I think they´re actually kind of mentally disturbed.
I think it has also a lot to do with the mythology around "hermaphroditism" that some might think trigger something "more" out of it than the average experience. I´m thinking of f. ex the popularity of 'she-males' in porn and such, that I believe can have an effect on the way some people might view intersexed people. Not to slander she-males though.
Unfortunately there are people who can´t tell the difference.
I was also quite fascinated by my partner, I must confess.
Not really sexually, but I also found intersex exotic and exciting. But it´s sad that some cannot separate sexual fetishism from curiousity and/or a normal interest.
Esp. as intersexed people actually NEED to be open and frank about their intersexuality.
Sorry that you had to go through these experiences, but I do believe there are other non-IS people that does not view you as a sexual object. I don´t know, but I think it might be a good idea not to reveal your IS-condition until you get to know the person well. It might be better to wait some time to tell the person, in order to avoid attracting the wrong kind of people.
Well I wish you good luck. It might take some time but I think you´ll find someone eventually.
Don´t let these people destroy your faith in others.
All the best/ Ana
I have a partner / ie spouse.
It is not that great being with a female - of one gender.
I am always being told by this person that I should and act as a male, This pisses me off. I have asked this person what medical doctorate she posses and she gets mad at me for asking this.
I have told her at a younger age that I was IS and of course that ended up in her mind that I am a gay crossdresser.
She does not love me she loves my male side, she cannot stand my true self.
When I dabble with my own intution and think deep down does this person really understand or is it the idea that she is stuck in a situation that she cannot get out of. I told her if she cannot get a grip then leave. I guess IS will always be lonely.
I am not going to waste my life trying to be something that I am not. I am me and this is what you get.
I have been with others also that have that glossy eye too wondering what is in my pants .
If others cannot respect ME then i feel i would not want to be with them.
I hope that you find someone in this world who can at least be truthful and honest with you at all times.
Have a great day
Muhoe
muiriol
07-31-03, 06:34 PM
Hi Angela,
It is possible to find a woman who has one sex. I didn't know what intersex was until about three months ago. My poor partner has had to put up with my fears of intimacy and such. But she has always been patient with that part of me and doesn't look at me like I am different. I agree with Ana about not revealing that your IS condition, only so that you can find a womyn who will love you for you and not because you are IS. There is a womyn out there for you, and I hope you find her.
Muiriol,
That is so sweet of you to write. I do hope you are right ...that there is a woman for me. I just met a femme lesbian that I have went out with once and talking on phone every night. I haven't told her about the IS. I don't know about this one it doesn't seem like the right woman, but figure I will stick it out for awhile. I don't know if its woman that are confusing, or just lesbians, but this gal makes no sense. She says she wants a "Grrrr..." so I ask what the heck is that? She says it is a butch. Funny thing is she says I don't act masculine enough for her, yet in the next breath she is complaining because my interests/hobbies are all masculine like fishing which she detests & cars which she hates even more. Hmmph! If only I could be me... and be accepted by a woman for being who I am a half man half woman.
Sunshine1
08-02-03, 12:16 AM
Hi Angela,
If someone doesn't like you for who you really are ...Honey ...those people gots to go ! You stated in you post that you like cars, well ...I'm thinking about all the women that like NASCAR. As for fishing? I don't know anything about it but if you like it THAT is what matters most. When I went to the Florida Keys, the Captain/Owner of the boat charter was a woman...heck...it's great that women are very capable with "Male" jobs.
I have a degree in Social Work and I traded that in to be a truck driver but I still have a feminine touch about it.Last week, I got offended when I made a drop and the manager who actually owned the products now just started throwing them off my truck like the products didn't matter. Not only are the products of course money (they could of been been damaged by the way he was smashing them on the cold hard concrete) but also I felt rather protective over them and they deserved better than crashing to the ground. They deserved to be cradled to a nice shelf. Motherly instinct ...I guess ...the payload in a way is my children that I'm letting go ( lol ).
I have no problem getting dirty from grease and grime of shipping parts and aggressive with people just because I can but that doesn't stop people from calling me honey, darling, babe, cutie, and my favorite from the guys in Georgia, "Here comes lil' Miss Florida Sunshine" that was a cute thing to here as I was jumping down from my rig. I also have lots of patience and I'm empathetic. I don't sweat the small stuff. My experience with CAH as far as the gender stuff goes is that I have a strong developed female side but also a "male" side.
I remember once when I was working at a restaurant and the chef wouldn't give me the food that I had brought back to be heated up. He told me to wait for it and was going to get it when he was good and ready. If I would of waited the darn food would of been burnt like it was in the past. I told him to give me my food and give it to me NOW! He gave me the food but called me a "little man" I laughed and said that's right. I guess that no woman had ever talked to him like that and later that night he asked me out for drinks.
The point that I'm trying make and the above was my way to give you examples is that you have to be genuine to yourself and you will have a better chance of meeting the type of people that you want to hang with.
From your other posts, Ya know if someone calls me an angel, the answer to that is Yes, I am (wink, wink) and about the guy that said in the Email it would be an honor to see genitals that are different. Was he cute? That seemed like someone that wanted to know that true you. It also seemed like someone that just wanted to fool around but again with who you really are.
As for the word hermaphrodite...it is what it is yeah baby.There are the two types: true hermaphrodites people that are born with mixed chromosomes and testes and ovaries/uterus and pseudo hermaphrodites which are people born with male OR female chromosomes, internal male OR female organs but their external genitals don't match the internal organs. The girl might have an external organ that looks male or a male might have an external organ that looks female. Some people with CAH have to contend with external genitals not matching the internal organs but a majority of people with CAH don't have to deal with this. For them, CAH is similar to diabetes. The genital differences if someone with CAH has them are on a Prader scale of one to five. Prader 5, what a great name for my boat ! Of course what matters is the whole person, my genitals have never defined me and the surgeon's handy work doesn't define me either. In fact I've always had to do lots of explaining as to why it looks like that and I even had to explain once to a nurse what a clitoridectomy was. I always let out a sad laugh when I read that someone needs early surgery to define their gender. The brain is already wired ...run... hermaphrodite... run ! HERE COMES THOSE HELPFUL SURGEONS! Hey you ! with that little penis ....you better run too ! oh my gosh!! you tripped and the surgeons got you!! congrats? you are now a girl ! ( regardless of how your brain is wired) Sorry, just a little venting. Sure, I can understand surgery later for girls with CAH to let menstration pass and also for later sexual intercourse but it does sadden me ( ha, the same words my surgeon used when I told him my thoughts about the clitoridectomy) that the way I was born is considered a social emergency. I believe that the social noose is loosening on people with enlarged clitoris and that many doctors are "thinking about" letting the person that owns the clitoris actually decide later about if they want surgery. Someone born like me who upon genital inspection it wasn't sure if I was male or female until tests were done, will we ever be accepted ? Will there ever be a time when we aren't treated like a lab rat and just treated like a human being by the medical community as a whole? Not one of those mother fuckers ever brought up the word clitoridectomy but they all had to put their hands on me. I had to discover what a clitoris was by looking at books in the library about CAH. Those doctors and residents never mentioned that I DIDN'T HAVE ONE. Jokes on me, dumb little pseudo-hermaphrodite and the other scar that I had ? that took a little while to find out about. Bless the ISNA, They gave me the idea to go after my medical records and I found that scar was made from a sub pubic catheter that I needed to void into because I wasn't able to pee though what the surgeon did to to me. The surgery created a blockage for a couple of months and I'm grateful that the surgery didn't make me completely incontinent. Thou shall do no harm ? Doesn't include children with genitals that don't look like everybody else. We are just an experiment and I don't even think someone has a 50/50 shot of success. Granted some of us are going to need surgery sooner or later and someone sure couldn't menstrate through what I was born with. I just wish that people wouldn't flip out so much and that they would be better informed.
I digress ...I'm sorry, I'm back. Angela, just be who you really are because if you don't like yourself nobody else will. Have you had any luck with your insurance and Endos?
Best Wishes,
Aimee
Aimee,
I can see from your words you have a much more developed female side than I do, despite you also having a male side. If I had to break it into percentage I would say I am 75% male and 25% female. The CAH diagnosis may not be even accurate in truth, but its the best I'm getting from current doctor. She says I have CAH because my adrenals are working crazy and because I seem to salt waste when ill or under stress. Yet at same time I have testicular tissue and not normal genitalia even for a CAH-er. So maybe I have two things going on? I'm not sure. I did find out my mom was given some drug to help her conceive, but she doesn't know what she was given. I would guess DES. Finally got ahold of my birth records, except for a page is missing. What I did find out from it was that they dr said I had abnormal genitalia and that he injured me with forceps. So bad in fact that I am lucky I can see from both eyes.
When a guy calls me honey or babe, etc my first instinct is to want to punch his lights out. I just have no use for genetic males. Seeing as I don't find men "cute" I'd have to say no the guy that told me he would be honored to see my genitals was not cute, nor was it a flattering remark. First of all the guy is married. In his house he has about 150 porno videos that are stacked up against the walls till you can't even see the actual wall. He spends all of his extra money on porn. In high school he made friends with lesbians so he could watch them have sex together. He also has watched his wife's best friend fool around as well as his wife's daughter and her girlfriend have sex without their knowledge.
Let's just say there is not a whole lot of selection of single womyn in my town. So I have been trying to tough it out with the latest one in hopes things will work out. Perhaps I am just expecting too much of another person. It does bite that she demands I wear boxers because she hates briefs. Then she wanted to know why I couldn't just wear panties like a "normal" girl. I was tempted to tell her "well because I'm not normal". For the record the girl undies are quite uncomfortable, actually some are rather painful on me. Meanwhile she wants a butch dyke, but not one that likes anything that is remotely butch. Go figure! :mad:
I'm beginning to think I'd rather skip dating if this gal is what "normal" women are like and just spend the rest of summer trout fishing. :D That being said, I'm always open to dating any woman or hermie that is ok with me being who I am. I just don't like someone trying to force me to be something other than myself.
Hi Angela,
Have you ever given any thought about moving to a place where people are a tad bit more hospitable? I've always had a bit of gypsy in me, and realized long ago that enviroments can be quite different. I don't necessarily mean a big city, but there are places that are a bit more "cultured" in the whys and whats of our world. Great example would be someplace like Northhamptom, MA or even out in my part of murky NJ (great trout fishing down the road btw) yet it is only 1 hour from NYC.
Just a thought...
Betsy
PS...sometimes people just call eachother sweetie, honey, et al out of habit. It's one of my bad habits, and I do it with men, women, and everyone in between.
Betsy,
I'm curious as to what you call "cultured" and "hospitable". I have to say even with my complaints about the womyn in this town, I don't have the same complaints about the hetero/one gendered community. I have come out as IS & lesbian to a dozen straights now and all have been accepting. Nearly all have thanked me because they are honored that I trusted them enough to confide. It's just the gay community that is horrid. I believe it is because they grew up feeling outcast by society that it caused a self hatred that they further perpetuate by hating everyone that doesn't fit the gay/lesbian stereotype. Of the three les womyn I have discussed IS with the 3 responses were: "that's disgusting, I don't want anything to do with you again and you shouldn't speak about it".
AZ itself is a very open, diverse state. I can't say I have seen any diversity in the Eastern States. I like that in the west their is different cultures, that I can go to the supermarket and hear Navajo spoken fluently. I'm Native American, not a Southwest Native, but I do like that here it is "ok" to worship Creator in the Old Ways and not be attacked for it. The low humidity is great; really helpful for those with asthma and allergies like myself. Living at high altitude, over a mile high, there is no major pollution. Back East the skies were always grey; here the sky is so blue it makes your eyes hurt! There is still wilderness left out here. Last month, a grey wolf ran in front of me. I have elk herds come almost to the front door. Coyotes howl at night. I love this place! There may be no one to date out here, but the beauty of Creation makes up for it! :) I cringe at the thought of moving back East after experiencing Freedom for the first time in my life. Hey maybe you should check out this place!
Angela
I meant an area where people don't pay attention to who/what you are. I don't know, based upon what you wrote, I guess I misinterpreted what you writing. On the culture part, I was thinking along the lines of social opportunities to meet others.
I'm glad the situation isn't as dire as I had interpreted it to be for you, Angela. It sounds beautiful there...maybe a visit, but I'm rather keen on Fairy View Hill!
Betsy
Hi Betsy,
I've noticed the Fairy View Hill tag under your pic for a while. I'd enjoy hearing the meaning behind the place name. Feel free to PM if you'd like.
Social opportunites are somewhat lacking here as in gay/lesbian events. Most seem ambivalent anytime someone tries to get a new group going. But there always is other non-GLB things to get involved in. I'm educating plenty enough of the hetero community, one person at a time, about the existence of IS. :rolleyes: I welcome anyone that was to form real IS community or networking. I think we need to be around, physically around, our "own kind". Not just on the Internet! But that's a start at least. Intersexed need to quit hiding, especially from one another.
O gosh...I'm happy to share the reason for the name here. I'm in the foothills of the Appalachians/Poconos of far Western NJ. My cottage (also the home to Bodies), is about a million years old and is on a knoll that rises in the middle of the valley between two bigger ridges. I've been told the cottage used to be a horse stable that was renovated into living space. It's a post and beam structure (built with notched beams and no nails) Out back, the outhouse still stands and whenever I get a visitor here for the first time, I always make a point of making sure they know where the "bathroom" is ;)
Based upon the geology I've been able to discern without going and getting books about the local geography, it is a pile of dirt/debris left from a glacier melt. It has lovely 365 degree views of the surrounding bigger mountains since I am at the very top. It's also surrounded by meadow, and then the property is surrounded by a thick hedgerow where all my birds live. When it is raining, I get a great view of fog contrails that rise from the near hills and when it is dry and warm, I get a million fireflies (sometimes I call it firefly hill because there are so many of them). The fog however is the best, and it looks like fairies rising out of the woods in the distance, hence the name "Fairy View Hill"
We have been kicking around the idea of a IS conference for sometime next year (2004) or in 2005. It's something we would like to do with the other IS orgs (ISNA, IPDX, and the various condition specific orgs). However, we haven't yet gone beyond "kicking the idea around" This year, we are trying to see if we can get a decent turnout of IS people at Creating Change in November, and if so, use that momentum to plan something just for us.
Betsy
edit: PS... of course, the term "mountains" is relative...they are about 800-900 feet is all. I should use the term "hill" but mountains makes it sound so big!:rolleyes:
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