View Full Version : Time to go.
Girlyboy
07-21-03, 04:37 AM
As we all know there comes times in our lives when depression gets the better of us. I used to kid myself that sooner or later things will get better. Or that I could live my life as who I am one day. Or that one day discrimination will end.
I was obviously sadly deluded. I think all my life I have never made a difference to anyone, and I have never been loved by anyone. That's not a life, that's an existance. It's time I ended it, and ended wasting rescources.
Goobye. I see no point in me being here anymore.
claraJane
07-21-03, 07:42 AM
Hey kid,
Don't go. At least not that way. Not under pressure from the outside world. You've still got alot to contribute here in this fallen world, so much to do and see!
I understand that depression can get pretty strong sometimes. I've been there alot. But, I also found that God would be there with me. And I don't mean some mushy, hypocritical, stab-you-in-the-back religion. I mean the Creator of the universe who loved me enough to die a horrible death on my behalf, One who not only understands what and who I am but who loves me as IS, who loves me in spite of all the bad things that I've done.
When Christ's disciples asked what sin the blind man or his parents committed that he should be born that way, Christ answered that it wasn't because of sin it was because God wanted to glorify Himself in that man's life. And then Christ healed that blind man.
God doesn't mean for you to end your life by your own hand. HE doesn't condemn you for being IS. Why give in to others who condemn you and would be glad to see you go?
Kind regards,
cjs
You've already made a difference RIGHT HERE! We value your thoughts and feelings, and Bodies wouldn't be as cool without you.
gb .my life has had many an up and down , so all i can do is smile , and love those that can , make me smile , you have made a difference if for only one , you have made me smile, thank you ...beach
Girly Boy,
If you leave, what does that say to every other IS person here? That it is okay to give up?
There have been days I am only a step away, but I have always moved away from the edge, even if I'm not sure what lies ahead... because SOMETHING WONDERFUL MUST be there for me.
This suffering, confusion, delusion... it is all for some greater reason I just don't see.
If you give up now, then you won't ever get the chance to know what that is in your life. If you leave, you will never know the grief you leave behind, the souls that you have touched... the souls yet to be touched by you.
I visited a friend in the hospital yesterday, a place where people fight to live. No matter how hard their lives are, or how badly their bodies are broken, those people want another day... more time. It strikes me hard that while some people strive to breathe, others are willing to give it up.
I hope you stepped back from your edge, Girlyboy. You would be missed and mourned. We would feel inadequate for not helping enough, and sad for the world without you.
Folks, Using my crack journo skills (they are good---trust me) I was able to track down someone in Australia who should be able to track down GB. Unfortunately, it also meant possibly outing him, and I struggled with that. However, given the fact the GB hasn't visited since the post above, I felt that trying to keep him alive--if he still is--took priority over privacy.
I am saddened it took me so long to see this post, but I was out of pocket and without internet access since Sunday evening. I am not a very religious person, but I got St. Jude around my neck and will be doing my best to hope we see GB again. I would urge you to do the same using your own methods. If I hear anything back from Australia, I will let everyone know.
Betsy
Yesterday I went to the viewing for a co-worker's daughter. She had just turned 18; only a few months older than my stepson.
I'm told the dead don't have auras, but as I saw her lying in state, I couldn't shake the horrible feeling that she didn't succeed in running away - she didn't find the peace she was looking for.
Very very sad.
Hi! we are not too much in this world and we are not the worst part of it!!!!!!!!!! I also sometimes feel completely alone, but it doesnŽn mean that the only way is way out. Going out will close any possibility to change somethig. Every value compared with zero is infinity.
Beleive, even on the other side of the Earth are people like You and together we will survive!!!!!!!!!!!!
Has anyone heard anything from GB????? I got a message back from Australia from the people I contacted that they were trying to establish contact, but nothing since.
Sadly,
Betsy
GB ... I hope you are still there... we only exchanged a few posts, but from those I could tell you are a caring person... and I value the caring person above all others... and I need people like you to remind me that I am not the only one left on this rock... ya know? And I am not the only one... we all need that... - PJ
GB, I think it important that I say something here. As most of you know, I am not IS and my love for my IS friend drew me to this site. And that is my point: I am posting here as a "representative" if you will, of non-IS people. NOt everyone is judgmental and non-caring of IS people. I would miss my friend a great deal if she were gone. Not only that, but I have made a great penpal friendship with a person I met from this site. I look forward to her emails very much.
I've not walked a mile in your moccasins so I would never presume to comment on your experience. But, I just wanted to add something I can comment about. I hope you'll read this, and if it helps,... :) Mark.
Hello GB
I wish I could hold you in my arms for a while.
Sofie
To live without self respect, is to lie awake on a cold bed at night beyond the reach of a warm blanket, counting up the sins of commission and omission, the trusts betrayed, all of the promises broken, and the wasted life's time through other peoples cowardice or carelessness.
We postpone it, but WE must lie down alone in that notoriously uncomfortable bed, the one we make for ourselves.
Whether or not we sleep peacefully with our warm blankets in reach, depends on whether or not we RESPECT ourselves.
Self-respect has nothing to do with the approval of others. It has everything to do with haveing the character that accepts full responsibility for your self and your feelings.
To have that sense of one's intrinsic worth which constitutes self-respect is to have the ability to discriminate, to love, and remain indiffrent to other people. The lack of it is to be locked within oneself, incapable of love or indifference. if we don't respect ourselves we are on one hand, forced to despise those who seem to have self-respect and can't consort with us, on the other hand we are in thrall of every one we see, curiously determined to live out ( because our own self-image is untenable) other people's false notions of us.
In the alienation of self, we play roles that are doomed to failure before they begin. Generating fresh dispair to free us from our expectations of our self. Without self-repect, one runs away to find ones self, and finds no one at home.
In Immanuel Kants "Dignity and respect" suicide is the biggest insult to our free will. The most abominable crime, up there with child abuse and rape. Using free will to destroy yourself as a moral agent is self-comptent. You cannot use yourself as a means(TO AVOID PAIN) you must be the end of your result, which we hope would be happyness.
He who transgresses against himself loses his or her pride and can't be of any use to any body else.
We are free to dispose of any condition that haunts us like depression but we should NOT be free to dispose of ourselves. We are beings, with love, hope and feelings, a person, not a "thing", and therefore Not a means to be distroyed!!
Whoever "ACTS" in such a way to treat us or themselves as "Things" or "means" has a hollow soul!
Girlyboy you once told me my writing gave you some hope.
If that is true, then I hope you will come around and let us know your o.k. and understand I don't think it was fair of you to post a suicide note here.
Other people have sadness and struggles too. Why should you take your life, and make every body else sad on this site? We are all doing the best we can and come here for support
:mad: :mad: :mad:
Wow, that was some post, Jules. The next time I'm depressed I'm gonna go read that post.
I'm glad you didn't think I sounded heartless Mark. I'm not, I've been depressed to at times in my life but never thought of killing myself.
90% of woman who talk of suicide never follow through. While most men never talk about killing themselves, but when they do they mean it! I don't know how a suicidal intersexed person would fit in that. I have never been ashamed of my body or the fact that I'm a girlish altered intersexed boy. I stand for ultimate responsiblity. A person should be ultimately responsible for their morally revlant decisions. If a person decision,( Lets say to be happy or unhappy with the way ther body is) comes from their previous formed character and motives, then a person must also be responsible for that character. If we have free will, and life and our fate is not predetermined then we have the choice of what kind of person we become, how we handle our problems. To say that anybody else determined our attidutes because we had surgery or because we were not told the truth gos against the very freedoms we are fighting for becuse we had the "choice" to decide how that would effect us, even if we didn't have choice as to what gender we became. I'n not saying that surgery or being intersexed is not trammatic it can be. I've been through it, and lots of it. I read many storys about the shame and depression that intersexed go through, but I'm intersexed and feel that choices that were made for me, were made at a time when I was to young to decide for myself. It is my choice to not be angry, My choice to have self respect. Even if my parents did everthing diffrently and I ended up a intersexed boy insted of a girl, it would still be "my choice" to be happy, sad or mad about what happend to me. When we look at the determinsitic way that people try and class our gender with the hardwiring of our brain, people forget that while science trys to put things in a cause and effect relationship, to argue that our gender is "determinism" and not our choice takes away our moral responsibility to our actions. Free will= It is up to us, ALL of our choices.
Determinism= other factors other then our choices choose our happyness and we have no moral grounds for our behaviour .
you choose....your choice.. or maybe its all Determined.
A lot of people waffle back and forth on that issue depending on whats sounds better for their arguement at the time, but I think that people with well thought out ideas about their life and future pick "Freedom of choice" or "determinism" not both.
I do hope girlyboy comes back. I liked the fact that he did not just go with the flow and had his own ideas about things.
If he is realy gone, I will be sad, and I will miss his posts
OK,look... what you are talking about is the age old question - are we the result of nature or nurture...? Psychologists and sociologists have been arguing their points of contention about this for years... the bottom line is no one knows for sure which has prevalence... I agree that we have a modicum of free will as to how we react to how we are born - or to any of life's external sensory input data for that matter... but I also know that to a significant degree we are who we were taught to be, by our parents, church, friends, etc... and how we react is also greatly determined by our life's experiences... - so, the real bottom line is that each of us reacts to life with a combination of nature and nurture... and if you happen to be a person whose family encouraged you to feel self-respect, you have a far greater chance of carrying though with that teaching and living with self-respect... on the other hand, if your family taught you to be ashamed of how you were born, you would have to possess an extrordinary resilience in order to overcome that shame and carry yourself through life with self-respect... that's just the way it is! So, lets quit all this negative talk about someone who is in pain, count our blessings that we can endure the pain we have, and be a little more supportive, huh? - pj
I'm becoming more concerned here with each passing day. GB has not been back to visit here since the post was made which can't be a good sign. I also have not heard back from Australia, despite several emails.
I would prefer that it doesn't become a discourse on the best way for us to handle. I think we are all saddened by what has occurred and by what we don't know at this point.
I have two thoughts at this point. I do think suicide within the IS community is a valid topic for us to discuss, but without using GB's post as the springboard. If he is still with us, seeing disagreement may be stressful and I think it could be stressful for anyone who may come here.
Secondly, I think that this turn of events in GB's life, and ours as his friend illustrates quite well why this community is necessary for everyone, despite their level of involvement.
With this in mind, I would like to see any discussion about the rights and wrong of posting a suicide note and the potential for suicide among any human beings take place in their own thread.
I don't want to lock this one, because I still hold out hope that our friend is still with us but would prefer further discussion not directly relating to the situation be in it's own thread.
Thanks,
Betsy
i just wanted to post that if girlyboy is still reading that i hope that they are ok...
If Girlyboy is reading this I just want to let you know if you need someone to talk to you can private message me. I'm a good listener. I will not tell anyone anything you say.
Throughout my childhood, from elementary school age through high school years I had constant thoughts of suicide. With help of friends I finally got through that dark period. I can understand where you are coming from because I have been there too.
Take care of yourself GB!
Angela
Cherilyn
09-24-03, 02:59 AM
Sorry for bringing this up..
I found this post and whoa, it impacted me!! I was teary-eyed because there's possibilities that GirlyBoy could have been so serious.
I'm very grateful that I'm still alive and I hope GirlyBoy is also.
I have been there. I have had several close calls, including putting gun to my head (my ex struggled and grabbed the gun), overdosed, etc., etc,... It was so painful being me. I hated myself even tho I consider myself as rare wonderful unique person.
If I was already dead, I would never know that I'm not alone.
I even told my family when I was 19 that I would never see them again (due to my childhood, I was unwanted, unloved, a mistake, neglected, gossips and I became an adult and went on my own when I was 12) and went away for 2 years. My sister finally found me and told me that she is having her first child and would like me to be in delivery room (her way of getting me back in family). As soon as I get back in my family's circle, they have changed and grateful.. shown me with more respect.
Altho, the love seem to fade away today.. because they have been making excuses like why I cant visit them when my sister and brother get visit from them often. In their lifetime, they only visited me in my own home like once or twice and the last time was long long time ago. I'm not totally informative about events in family as rest of the family.
Few months ago, my parents really stabbed my back when they told Child Protective Service why I should NOT have custody of my brother's sons because I'm a "half boy/half girl". They said they made a mistake, it was just a reaction.
I eventually have custody of them today.
Sorry for adding my own personal little story..
It's like therapy for me to talk about it.
I'm totally happy and proud of what I am.
I totally love myself.
Suicide isn't answer. It might bring some awareness, open up some closets but..
I have so many undiscovered answers waiting for me..
I anxiously look forward to it but with patience. I tried to get all answers at once but it would get lost and make it harder.
I'm wondering if any one of you ever hear from GirlyBoy?
I hope s/he is OK.
P.S. if my story is kinda annoying in any way, let me know. I don't write a great reading.
Natasha (again)
09-24-03, 03:43 AM
Your parents don't realize how lucky they are, to have a daughter like you. At least not right now anyway. They just may someday. I hope so, I really do.
I also hope that girlboy is still out there, alive and well.
Natasha
Cherilyn
09-24-03, 04:08 AM
Thanks Natasha!
I appreciate it.
I think you are cool and attentive. I have seen your posts. U make good senses almost all the time, 99% of the time. I like your heart and who u are.
Well, in my own opinion- they, most of them, wouldn't actually kill themselves if they are telling people that they are gonna suicide. They are just screaming for a help. Desperately looking for one.
I have heard of other people talking about taking their own life but never did and I have had a friend who suddenly killed himself, even tho, I knew he was unhappy about his life situation but he never say anything to anybody about taking his own life.
It's sad. I dont like this subject but I think it's very important.
Hugs,
Cherilyn
Natasha (again)
09-24-03, 12:29 PM
99%? A better review than I ever thought I would get. I really appreciate you too. I am very glad to see you speaking out, and talking from your own experience.
I think it is really important that we share our feelings, and resist the urge to isolate in troubling times or personal crisis. I believe it is clear that depression males us want to clam up, and withdraw from others. The end result can be a silent resignation, followed by the ultimate withdrawal.
I agree that usually people who suicide give no warning. Yet it is also true that before the period preceding that silent and final act, people do cry out for help by voicing their intention to do it. I know that was my pattern. I was in a coma on two occasions, each time for over 72 hours. It was a miracle I lived. I was very serious about it. Before I finally did it, I did the same as Girlboy.
I surely hope that Girlboy is still with us. I pray daily this is so. PM me Girlboy, lets talk. I may be able to help.
Cherilyn, I really am glad you are here, and I really hope you continue to share your experiences with us. I really want to thank you for your support too. So thanks! :>
Natasha
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