Hearing "Is that a boy or girl?"

[Androgeny]

I am a senior at an Oregon school of science. I transferred here from cally(CA.) because of a civil rights lawsuit against the LASD.
Maybe you have heard about it back in 1995 ? It was during the "reighn"{LOL} of sheriff Block. It was in all the LA papers as "woman jailed as man".
Anyway to get to the point ,since I have been here in OR. I hear the question hundreds of times a day at OSU from passers-by; "Is that a boy or girl?" I think I may be suffering from some form of depression or some other mental consequence due to this continous commenting I hear everyday at school 12 hours a day. How should I respond or should I continue pretending I don't hear it despite the lack of social contact from fellow students as well as the situation I explained above. I have feeling just like every other student I think. Sometimes I feel like an alien from another planet when people stare at me like some new species of animal or something. Any comments from my valued peers here will be welcomed!!:D

Androgeny(Candy)

[elijah]

i often get the "are you a boy or a girl?" when i start to talk.
they think im a guy until i open my mouth and then start the old "uh, sir, er, mam, er....."
i guess ive gotten used to it. i think now i get more people staring at the holes in my ears going "are the holes in your ears really that big???"

ah, the life of a punk kid...

[Betsy]

I get it sometimes too. I stopped getting upset about it years ago. Ironically, I could shave my head and everyone would know I go by "she" but if I let my hair grow out some, it's usually "he". I've never been able to figure that one out.

Since I identify as female, I usually make an extra effort to put a lil bit of falsetto into my voice to exaggerate it.

Betsy

[Glenn]

Welcome aboard, Candy!

There are lots of ways to respond, but the key is to develop a little thicker resistance to their words affecting you. They are the ones doing something wrong by asking an inappropriate question, not you by being yourself.

One bratty option is to answer their question, proudly and a little louder than would be expected: "YES!" (or if you prefer, "NO!") and walk away giggling to yourself. If they are rude enough to ask a question like that audibly, they deserve to be embarrassed for it, and confused by your response.

Or you could turn the tables on them and ask "Yes, are you?" Then if they answer, ask for them to prove it - a riskier strategy to put them on the defensive and stop focusing on you.

Another option is to imagine yourself covered in a thin layer of Teflon; and see their words slide off you and form a puddle on the ground (kind of like you might see in a comic strip). The mental image could be distracting enough that it gives you something amusing to focus on instead of the !@#&^&*#%@ asking the question!

Glenn

[Az1]

Hey Candy and welcome to Bodies like Ours

I was at work one day this week and I heard this same discussion about this same issue.
Being the worker I am I do not have time for water cooler discussions. The 1st thing that came to my mind was , A non IS female was judging someone because they were being asked a stupid question that we face everyday in life are you a a boy or girl.

I always think to myself ask the doctor he is the one who defined me.
I always let them decide for themselves and being the inconsiderate individuals they are for the most part do not comprehend individuals being IS. If I am not accepted than it is their loss
Some beleive it is of angels, the third gender or what they have never been taught.

Not being taught about being IS is the biggest battle to fight when discussing Intersexualism w/ a non IS. They do not compehend being born IS. I have fought this battle many times and always had wished I would meet an Intersexual that understood me .

Candy I hope you find your answers and I hope we all learn how to cope with society asking us if we are AZ 1.

Muhoe

[Emi]

Hi Candy--I'm sorry that people are being such jerks. I visited Courvallis/OSU this past May and I know what it's like there. I hope you will find supportive resources locally... And if you ever visit Portland, please come visit Intersex Initiative!

[sfinkton]

Hey Candy-

I'm not intersexed, but I still get some confusion about my sex. I am female, wear my hair short, dress relatively androgynously, and usually don't wear makeup. However, I have a fairly feminine face, so my most common gender address is "Sir, oh sorry. . ." followed by a look of awkward confusion. And this could swing into either direction (male or female, clear or ambiguous) based on how I present certain gender cues (ie dress, mannerisms, voice, etc.)

I love Glenn's suggestions as to how to answer people's question. If you would prefer not to be as confrontational, and it is important to you to be identified the gender you identify with, I would suggest manipulating gender cues. Of course, this may not completely fit in with how you view yourself. Personally, I enjoy confusing people about gender, mainly because I think that the "Is that a boy or a girl?" question needs to lose a little importance in our society.

Sarah

[Leigh Cote']

Hi Candy and welcome to BLO. I've been out of the loop for a while so this reply is a little late. I can relate to the way you are treated as it happened to me.Lets face it there will always be small-minded, bigoted, ignorant people in this world and they will never understand what harm they do with their stares and remarks. It wasn't until I realized that these assholes weren't worth getting upset about that it gradually bothered me less and less. They are to be pitied because they lack the benefit of parental guidance or education, are woefully ignorant and suffer from inadequacies that they cover up by drawing attention away from themselves. These are the first cousins of bullies who are so insecure the only way anyone will pay attention to them is by intimidating. You could arm yourself with clever put-downs and retorts, but are they really worthy of the attention they crave? I can't tell you to ignore them unless you really have a thick skin, but only relay what I did to make it go away. I was raised as a boy until I was 17 and ostracized by my parents. I was in total ignorance because my parents discouraged my asking questions and I never saw anyone naked being excused from gym due to severe asthma. My problem with snide remarks and teasing began at puberty when I started menstruating and my breasts developed. I tried to hide everything which included loose clothing, but people noticed. When I started living as a woman I took great care to make sure nobody was confused as to my gender. The comments and teasing stopped. I don't know what your sexual orientation is, but I assume female. If you don't want to cause untoward remarks I'm sure you can do many things to enhance your appearance to avoid confusion. It would take a lot of guts, but you could contribute an article to your school newspaper educating everybody about people like us. For those who are worthy this should gain understanding for you and you will probably acquire new friends. The ones who remain small-minded aren't worth it anyway and nothing you do will change their views. Without exception, everyone who knows my story is accepting, supportive, understanding and loving. Outing myself was a gamble, but it was the smartest move I ever made. If anyone had rejected me it would have been their loss. Lots of luck.

[Spencer]

Hello Candy,

I'm new to this forum too. I was assigned female at birth, but have always lived as a male. Since my identification isn't changed from female to male, it's like wearing a red flag. Not long ago, one of the men where I work came up to me and said: " Patty told me you were really a woman."
I grinned very big and said: " That's right! Give me a KISS, Marvin!
He went Blehhhhhhh!!!!! And went running away laughing.

Spencer

[beach]

hi candy, i have to say im with glenn on this one , hay betsy werent we talkin about this , last week at the show? dont let it bother you , relizie that only you and the people you love matter, beach

[Janet]

How about, "I am a bit of both... aren't you?"

Try to feel positive enough about who you are to educate others on campus. Most colleges/universities have full cirriculum dealing with gender studies, and those surroundings encourage questioning on all sorts of topics. Bring yours to the table, concentrate on being informative, not defensive and watch what happens. If you'd like, we can send you some intro handouts that are very helpful, just provide us your real address and they'll be on the way.

I am always surprise and encouraged by the responses I get when I tell people (some of them total strangers!) about what is done by the medical establishment to children that are born in an inbetween place. If it feels safer, talk about other people you know of, other conditions, other stories. This is an issue that affects many, many people but the secret establshed as part of the protocol has kept us invisible.

Also, it might be that you are so concerned about being thought of as a question mark, you are mistaking some of the contact you have as negative. When I glance at youth oriented magazines, and when I see teens and 20-somethings, it seems to me that the androgenous look is "in" and desirable as well. While some people strive for the andro look, to others of us it comes a bit more naturally! :D

Welcome to the neighborhood, and good luck!