So am I supposed to Know or will I never understand

[Az1]

I go thru life wondering what this life has to offer me.
I am of soul but at times, I feel that life has nothing to offer me.
Either I have a purpose or someone loved me very much.
I am lonely and just want to be someones friend.
I wish that life would not judge me for what I am but for what I have to give.
I am told I am loved by close friends but am I realy loved ?.

I cannot have children and cannot have what others have and that is a place to belong. Where do you belong in life when you do not belong.

Az1
Muhoe

[Dana Gold]

Hi,

I've had a lot of physical and psychological torment throughout life, especially as a child and young adult. I hear you...life is cruel, it can make you feel worthless and can rip you apart...I have said to another that I've felt fragmented, schizoidal, and even though I am not schizoid or psychotic, my experiences have left me feeling in a twilight zone, apart from the real world. I wish I had some comforting words of encouragement for you...I can only for now tell you that I've been there and only just come out of the dungeon of my own existence. I still am wiping off the mold and cobwebs to this day....maybe nobody will ever understand me, but I don't care so much about that because they really can't...and I've spent a lot of time trying to understand ME!! , I want to, just like any other belong to something....so my redemption has been to belong to myself..NOT based upon the criteria set forth by others but by my own self, Please read the post wherein I submitted a reply with a song lyrics by Grand Funk Railroad.. Muhoe .don't let them take your "ship" from you....it's Yours, fragmented, lost, sick, whatever. Please try to heal, a bit at a time, you are the medicine for your own self....deep within you is the spark of life all of us have, I use metaphors a lot , I know but...the universe makes no judgments, you simply are, humans make judgments, often erroneously.. AND You are Az1.. I hope I've not hurt your feelings any way by my own words, I just wanted to respond to your pain as someone who cares.
Anyway., bye.

Dana

[uriela]

I cannot have children and cannot have what others have and that is a place to belong. Where do you belong in life when you do not belong.

Okay, I do have children. Well, it was nice to have them around when they were small and I had some part in raising them. But now they are grown and I feel they don't want any part of me. In fact I feel that even trying to contact them is invading their space. I don't think I will ever see my grandson. Do I wish I could see them and talk to them and have word of how they are doing? Of course I do. I'll never have any more. Whew! One less responsibility.

My sister claims that I would confuse her children just by being around them. Too bad they are missing one of the marvels of the world. Like the dodo, for example.

Sometimes I think that I will pass through this world without a trace. There will be nothing and nobody to carry on my memory. I will be just like the thousands of now faceless and nameless departed ones. Or one of those misremembered and misunderstood. Maybe it would be better not to be remembered after all. Poor poor me!

Nobody will EVER understand me. I am the one who can best do that and you cannot imagine how little I understand of that myself. I would rather not cause damage to anybody. Sometimes I think I am not worth the effort. Blow wind blow! Make it seem that I passed without a footprint! Raise the bent grasses where I crawled as a child to trespass without being seen. Let noone find the secret path!

What's it all about Az1? I don't know and I'm not going to tell! As for me I am still going to try to find it out for myself. That's the wonder of it all.

The journey's the thing, not the goal.

Uriela

p.s. You belong here more than I do. I'm sorry that this makes absolutely no sense, but consider the source.

Datta. Dayadhvam. Damyata.
Shantih shantih shantih

[uriela]

Az1, Dana, & anyone else who read the above post--

I'm transsexual and that was why I said I don't really belong here. I do have people I count on who are around me. I hope you do too, Az1. I have not spent the holidays with any of my relatives for years. Part of that is that I didn't feel welcome among therm. No, my children have been distant. One cousin lives only a few miles away from here and he and his family have no trouble with me being the way I am. I really can pop in (and have) on a whim. I am the one who has to make the move, however. That's okay. Maybe I just don't want anyone to pop in like that anyway, but it would be quite okay with me. The rest of my family is pretty split up and it is inconvenient to visit them.

Even the way I am I don't think a holiday has gone by in the last four years that I have not been at one person's home or another. I don't really think it has to do with my charm, just that I know a lot of very loving people, who have been protective and supportive. I know very few trans people or IS people. Theyhave their own support groups. Maybe I should mingle more. But everything seems so far away. But since I have befriended more regular people, and some in great depth, I don't feel so alienated as others of us do.

Az1, I really don't know who you are. I know you wish you had children of your own but can't. I have one sister who had six, one who can't have any, and a brother who had four. It is not everyone who can have children. We have to make do with what we have and be happy that we have what we do. It's not the end of the world. Having progeny is not the only reason we are in the world. If it is a high priority with you, can you adopt?

I've been pretty down in the mouth the last few weeks (months?) myself. I'm sorry you are so lonely. The only way I know to be able to have friends is to be a friend. The only way to feel useful is to be useful.

((((((((((((((Az1)))))))))))))))

Feel better?

[Dana Gold]

Having children is a both a social and very personal issue, especially to married couples. Not being able to produce children is a stigma, and a tremendous burden to those who would feel whole to have children as family, or to feel cheated/not normal by Mother Nature. There are ways to have children for infertile and sub-fertile (borderline fertility) people, some of which (other than adoption) include virilizing agents (males), fertility drugs, speciality hormones, in-vitro fertilization with donor eggs or sperm, surgeries :rolleyes: , however,my question would be : is it safe or of what consequences to the child to be are there if Mother Nature is pushed beyond "the envelope".....besides the ethical issues of some procedures, what about the child? Does anybody have any thoughts or experiences with this? Please. I apologize if this may open up a Pandora's Box, but the issue I bring up concerns the health and welfare of these children.

Dana

[Az1]

Children was a twinkle in my eye just as I was to birth.
I want to thank All of you for you help in seeking answers that I cannot answer myself and it helps to talk.

" I've had a lot of physical and psychological torment throughout life, especially as a child and young adult. I hear you...life is cruel, it can make you feel worthless and can rip you apart ".

Az1
Muhoe