what if....??

[Dana Gold]

Betsy's quote from earlier post:

The lines between TG and IS can and do get blurred, and I agree that they are separate. Yet, they are very small/opaque also. The difference as I see it is we see many problems arise from surgery, and some TG people often see surgery as their salvation.

Betsy

As a follow-up to the Colorado incident posted before by Betsy and the above quote.
I for one see my problems arisen from not the scalpel, but from the hypodermic syringe and forcible indoctrination by parents and gym teachers etc.., Both the knife and needle contents (various hormones) have body-altering capabilities...one takes away, the other adds on...the latter have mind-altering capabilities, especially when combined with brutality ...I came to this country at the age of 7 and shortly thereafter got corrective surgery that I most likely really needed. And then male hormones ..During early childhood I did not feel an overwhelming sense of female, rather a sense of confusion, but as time went on I came to feel that being male was not natural for me as were male features..I had no problem at all with my female features and later i actually liked my shape...I had a nice figure then...now I'm getting older, but I still look good as people tell me., but as a child and young adult what could I do?? ...kids don't have a choice in that...evrybody around me said I was male and I had better be so!! I was in a strange land, didn't speak the language.and it was a miltary base as well (Fort Carson, Colo) . I was abused and I was frightened!! My psychologist recently asked me what I would have developed as (gender) if the indoctrination, abuse and male hormones had not been there....how can I know..that never happened I would have just went naturally, perhaps feminized more in body...gender?..I wasn't like the other boys at all (physically and psychologically), this I know, that's why my step-father was always on me, as well as classmates and stuff. And I don't see surgery as salvation...I see looking , living, and feeling female as well, something that makes me complete, a harmony, balance to my life....surgery is necessary because society mandates it.. because in their minds women don't have penises! Can I go to the gym..have no fear for using women's restroom, go to the beachhouse,a spa, visit a clinic or hospital having a penis and say I'm female in this world?? I'm happy with my gender "choice", for once in my life I feel normal..I didn't have to "train" to have female mannerisms or learn how to voice inflect, or relate to things female...it just came out of me naturally!! I wish I didn't have to have surgery to be female, It's god-awful expensive, I don't have that kind of $$$.and more physical pain!!.I wish in childhood they could have just left me alone...gotten the f**k away from me.. but then I would have still been abnormal ...a she-male and that's all I am to a lot now...I'm don't like being a she-male....a hyphenated human I just want to be left to live my live...life , liberty and the pursuit of happiness, right? .that's really all I have ever wanted...just peoples wouldn't let me, and then I wouldn't let myself..out of fear and self-loathing. That's why I felt so horrible from the Colorado incident I copied and pasted from a way earlier post.....is there no real way to be normal ..to be just oneself just as one is and be accepted AND acknowledged for it, whether the gender is male, female , or variations of both, OR Neither? The real salvation is just being and living how one feels. Anyway, this is my last long post for awhile..I've posted a lot and said a lot and I don't know if it made sense or nonsense,but I'm getting tired and I spend too much time on this forum and ruminate too much...time to take a break from it all. I am so glad, though, that I found this site, I've said more here than I've evn said to my psychologist or others , especially TG group, but then I haven't attended there for almost 2 months...time to live life as Ms Dana Gold and to hell with any nay-sayers, he-sayers and what-nots...and yes, even though I have ranted and raved about the inequaties of lifel... the world is still worth living in and fighting for.

[Betsy]

Dana, You can't go away as I am taking you hostage! :D You are so right in that the key is to be simply left alone. It is the surgery, the hormones, the gender reinforcements, the secrecy, that results in all the shame and damage. It is the unnecessary and harmful fascination with us within the medical community that harms us.

It is society that needs to be changed, not us.

Betsy

[claraJane]

Dear, Dear Dana,

Don't you hate labels? Can't we just be ourselves.

"Intersexuality is basically a problem of stigma and trauma, not gender. " (This is a quote from the ISNA front page.) I find it interesting that they agree with Johns Hopkins about that. My endo there once told me that my gender issues had nothing to do with my medical issues. Right, I believe that. :rolleyes:

You know I sometimes wish that I were allowed to use some of those four letter words that others find so fitting.

Some of the divisions that we create are completely artificial. I had several motivations for surgery. And, mostly, that need was driven from within, not by society. Yes, it was a requirement for a legal status change. But I also had always wanted to have a baby (yes, that's a bit irrational considering surgery wouldn't fix that). And, I wanted to be able to function sexually.

TS and IS definitions can be used to inflict nearly as much pain and harm as unwanted surgery. We, of all people, should be understanding of people whose bodies and/or minds don't easily fit into even those definitions.

And yet, that doesn't mean that we should all get stuffed into one large, ill-defined, one-size-fits-nobody bin.

Betsy, Dana, I really appreciate the support that both of you offer here.

cjs

[Dana Gold]

Oh hi,

No, Betsy, I"m sorry to have came across as leaving...I'm not...I just need to take a break from obsessing about my shrouded, cloudy and unhappy past, tormenting my self by wondering how much better my life could have been had I been "left alone", the poor and mistaken choices I made while living as a man. ...you see, there was a real reason for me to go back to Germany after high school my grandfather really wanted me to come back AND to me it was an escape from a land of horrors, just to be forced back by orders (draft) of US Army...freedom smashed by the same entity and its agents that took me from a happy home with my grandparents in Germany and "cared for me" in the US. My grandfather was livid when my mother re-adopted me and dragged me along to US, they never got along after that..Except for my grandparents, I would have been better off having been born into the Addams Family! And yes, ClaraJane, I absolutely hate labels...I told someone before that I don't want to be known as anything else as just another human being...but as you said:" it was a requirement for a legal status change"..what's legal but another social construct... and yes, something I've not said before: the male sex act (when I could do it "successfuly" was not sexually satisfying to me...ejaculation for the most part was like an urgent urination and I have to say that I really have never had a satisfactory/fulfilling sexual experience, but I'm 53 now and sex is a lesser (but not totally gone) issue...low libido, my body (other than adrenal) hasn't made any testosterone for almost 2 yrs now, don't take anti-androgens...it just is a function of the testicular failure thing. But as you:, I too would like to be able to function sexually, as the way " I like it".. I guess my brain is different in that respect, despite what's between my legs.
And Betsy, if ever taken hostage , it would be great for you to be the captor, then we can carry on to "fix" the world....your quote I totally agree: "It is society that needs to be changed, not us." I'll still be here at BLO, just I need a bit of R & R..to start to enjoy life instead of agonize over it....I hope you do get settled into a nice place, Betsy, and so visit would be good.. I really do need a real vacation. Thanks for the encouragement, both of you. Take care.
PS: another lengthy post after saying I wouldn't do it anymore, sorry.

Dana
Dana