View Full Version : I'm not Bonkers, Reality is. I think.
I'm a 47 year old male....
Um.
Maybe.
For now.
Mostly.
I'm a 47 year old human who has male genitalia (normal testes but rather small penis), and has fathered a child - though that took 20 years of attempts, and eventually required the use of syringes etc. Ejaculatorily incompetent, and unable to sustain an erection.
The latest blood tests had my Cholesterol levels down to 2.7. The first time they were measured, they were 11.5. Multiply by just under 40 to get equivalent US levels, call it 450 down to 100, close enough. Odd, to say the least, from hypercholesterolemia to hypocholesterolemia.
Various symptoms over the years have led to several pelvic examinations, looking for herniated ovarian tissue, The last one, still to be confirmed by further tests, showed something that felt a lot like ovaries in the normal position, and which have ached a bit every 4 weeks since I was about 15.
My eyes have recently developed an unusual ring structure usually only found due to hormonal changes during female puberty, and there has been a significant increase in the gynomastea I've had since 15, including enlarged nipples, and alveoli colour change. One breast may have a breast mat too.
My oestradiol count was 192 pmol/L, as of a week ago, where the normal female baseline (3 standard deviations) is a maximum of 160.
The whole medical team is eagerly awaiting my chromosome analysis.
Psychologically, I've never considered sex or gender to be particularly important issues in my life, but have recently become very dissatisfied playing a male role. I originally presented about a fortnight ago with a full-blown GD (Gender Disphoria) crisis and FH (Familial Hypercholesterolemia), and the blood test results have astonished everyone.
Right now, we're still gathering data on exactly what I am genetically. An infertile but not sterile xx/xy chimera perhaps, or something just as unusual. Whatever the case, I appear from all accounts to be going through a second puberty, something inside my system is trying to turn a 47 yar old middle-aged masculinised body into a female one. Which would suit me fine right now, a dream come true, except that the effect can only be partial, and the result medically interesting, but not socially acceptable.
Fortunately there is technology able to help, and after surgery and HRT, I may end up looking like a reasonably attractive post-menopausal woman who's had a radical hysterectomy and cosmetic vaginaplasty.
I've searched the literature, and can't find any description of such a natural change happening before. I'd appreciate it if anyone can help in this regard. I still find great comfort in reviewing the pathology reports that show that I'm not psychotically delusional, it's reality that's at fault, and that to put it bluntly, I'm turning into the woman I always wanted to be.
MelissP
05-22-05, 11:46 AM
I'm a 47 year old human who has male genitalia (normal testes but rather small penis), and has fathered a child - though that took 20 years of attempts, and eventually required the use of syringes etc. Ejaculatorily incompetent, and unable to sustain an erection.
The latest blood tests had my Cholesterol levels down to 2.7. The first time they were measured, they were 11.5. Multiply by just under 40 to get equivalent US levels, call it 450 down to 100, close enough. Odd, to say the least, from hypercholesterolemia to hypocholesterolemia.
Lipid hyperplasia might cover most of those "before" effects, but it
wouldn't disappear by itself. I hadn't read of a treatment either, except
for lots of cortisone. Which shouldn't then lower your cholesterol. (?)
Various symptoms over the years have led to several pelvic examinations, looking for herniated ovarian tissue, The last one, still to be confirmed by further tests, showed something that felt a lot like ovaries in the normal position, and which have ached a bit every 4 weeks since I was about 15.
If you do have ovarian tissue, then you would know what it is feels like.
If you don't , then you'd be misinterpeting some other sensation. How then
can you tell if you do or if you don't based on feel?
My eyes have recently developed an unusual ring structure usually only found due to hormonal changes during female puberty,
What do you mean? I don't think I've ever noticed ...
Psychologically, I've never considered sex or gender to be particularly important issues in my life, but have recently become very dissatisfied playing a male role. I originally presented about a fortnight ago with a full-blown GD (Gender Disphoria) crisis and FH (Familial Hypercholesterolemia), and the blood test results have astonished everyone.
What is a Gender Disphoria crisis? (I've never had one of those ...)
And if you only recently became dissatisfied with maleness, how can
you say later in your post that you've always wanted to be a woman?
Which would suit me fine right now, a dream come true, except that the effect can only be partial, and the result medically interesting, but not socially acceptable.
If the effects wouldn't alleviate your social dysphoria, then why do you
care?
Fortunately there is technology able to help, and after surgery and HRT, I may end up looking like a reasonably attractive post-menopausal woman who's had a radical hysterectomy and cosmetic vaginaplasty.
But you said you've got ovarian tissue. Why would you get a radical
hysterectomy and spoil that?
it's reality that's at fault, and that to put it bluntly, I'm turning into the woman I always wanted to be.
Quite fortuitous for you. I guess ...
- Melissa
I'm a 47 year old human who has male genitalia (normal testes but rather small penis), and has fathered a child
Various symptoms over the years have led to several pelvic examinations, looking for herniated ovarian tissue, The last one, still to be confirmed by further tests, showed something that felt a lot like ovaries in the normal position, and which have ached a bit every 4 weeks since I was about 15.
You better see your doctor about what is going on with you. I'm afraid I can't help you with getting a diagnosis, but I’m sure we will soon read more about your body in the leading medical publications. That’s to say… if it is true that you have fully developed and descended testes AND ovaries in the normal position.
Groeten, Miriam
ml drgnfly
To clarify some points:
What if felt like when the doctor played "hunt the ovary" was very much like someone had taken one of my testes and pressed it. Hard. Or someone had given me a kick on the scrotal sac ten minutes previously. Most uncomfortable.
Eyes are now dark blue rimmed, then olive green, then light red-brown to russet, with sharp divisions so they look vaguely target like. This is something that can sometimes happen to teenage girls as they go through puberty, and appears to act as a subliminal attractant to show that she's fertile and ready to mate (whether she is or not, that's what the body is signalling). When set in a face with a distinct 5 O Clock shadow, many males find this very disturbing, due to the mixed subliminal messages.
Gender Disphoria, to simplify, is when your brain and your outside shape have different genders. Many people in such situations get a crisis when their carefully nurtured denial mechanisms collapse under their own weight. In order to cope with an intolerable situation, they initially develop a mild psychosis, denying reality, and the crisis is when they realise that they've been doing that.
At 15, I'd made a decision that since I appeared to be male, I'd be the best male I could be, and had been satisfied to accept my lot in life. Even though I didn't particularly feel male, and on the whole, would rather have preferred the opposite, given a choice. Now, with my system saturated with oestrogen, to have a male appearance would be psychologically most distressing.
Re radical hysterectomy : a vaginaplasty freconstruction from this would appear similar to that of late-in-life sex assignment/re-assignment surgery to the casual observer. If I have the ovarian tissue removed, it would be because of a cancer risk, not out of any desire. And the thought of a double mastectomy and re-construction gives me a case of the screaming meemies, but if I had breast cancer, I'd have it done if needed. An orchidectomy on the other hand would be like removing a troublesome appendix, especially since the contents are probably permanently nonfunctional now due to a weird biochemistry, and remain a significant cancer and heart-disease risk.
Of course, since my hormone levels are currently out of whack, I know I shouldn't be making any permanent decisions for a while. There's also the matter of putting things on hold regarding my personal preferences just so we can learn more about this rather unique and fascinating situation.
mariam : A quote from the doctor on Friday. "I've specialised in gender disorders for 20 years, and I've never seen results anything like this. I've searched the literature, and as far as I can tell, no-one else has either."
I'm already assured of my 15 minutes of fame, if only as patient X, regardless of the final outcome. Although the possibility of a highly atypical and very aggressive oestrodol-generating tumour cannot be ruled out, this must have been quiescent for 30 plus years, as I've had minor symptoms that long.
:thinking: errr, OK. You've got me confused. Please let us know what goes on with the doctors.....
Kate
Hi A to Z,
Welcome to Bodies Like Ours. I have mixed feelings about your post. You say that perhaps you are:
"An infertile but not sterile xx/xy chimera perhaps, or something just as unusual."
I am not a doctor, so I leave the medical diagnosis to medical professionals. However, from my past experience of reading extensively on this forum, when a middle-aged guy suddenly believes that he/she is perhaps a ""xx/xy" chimera", a little bell goes off in my mind. Chimera conditions are extremely rare, and the chances of a being chimera and fathering a child are even slimmer. Also, chimera conditions tend to come to the attention of the medical profession early in life.
You say, "I'm turning into the woman I always wanted to be." I wish you luck on your journey. I know that "garden of Eden" ideas are powerfully attractive. Getting back to what one was originally might have a connection with the womb. It's hard to tell.
You mentioned that you were able to father a child after twenty years of tying, so I assume that your child is still young. Are you living with the mother, and if so, how is that going?
Peter
MelissP
05-23-05, 09:00 PM
ml drgnfly
To clarify some points:
What if felt like when the doctor played "hunt the ovary" was very much like someone had taken one of my testes and pressed it. Hard. Or someone had given me a kick on the scrotal sac ten minutes previously. Most uncomfortable.
I'll take your word that such a kick hurts.
Eyes are now dark blue rimmed, then olive green, then light red-brown to russet, with sharp divisions so they look vaguely target like. This is something that can sometimes happen to teenage girls as they go through puberty, and appears to act as a subliminal attractant to show that she's fertile and ready to mate (whether she is or not, that's what the body is signalling). When set in a face with a distinct 5 O Clock shadow, many males find this very disturbing, due to the mixed subliminal messages.
I tried doing web searches, looking for anything matching the description
of what you're talking about. Do you have any citations for this?
Gender Disphoria, to simplify, is when your brain and your outside shape have different genders. Many people in such situations get a crisis when their carefully nurtured denial mechanisms collapse under their own weight. In order to cope with an intolerable situation, they initially develop a mild psychosis, denying reality, and the crisis is when they realise that they've been doing that.
At 15, I'd made a decision that since I appeared to be male, I'd be the best male I could be, and had been satisfied to accept my lot in life. Even though I didn't particularly feel male, and on the whole, would rather have preferred the opposite, given a choice. Now, with my system saturated with oestrogen, to have a male appearance would be psychologically most distressing.
Your description of gender dysphoria is lost on me. I've had many ts'ae
try to explain it to me, but their attempts at conveying this have failed.
I and you lack a shared experience. Different sub-species of human.
Yet if I were to offer an opinion; you made your choice, you chose to
conform. I'm sure you enjoyed the benefits. Now you pay the price, that
being the sadness of the roads not taken. There's no point in your blaming
estrogen in your system. There are plenty of physically normal xy's who
are 47 and do what you dream of. And there are plenty of f2m's having
quite a lot of estrogen in their systems who are heading in the other
direction.
Which is a choice I didn't make, because I was never given the option of
being a normal conforming member of society. I was spit out. And while
everyone thought I was wrong and maladjusted, I think that no one had
a concrete idea of why they were reacting like that to me. For them it
was intuitive and emotional. Neither did I have any idea of what the root
cause was either.
Re radical hysterectomy : a vaginaplasty freconstruction from this would appear similar to that of late-in-life sex assignment/re-assignment surgery to the casual observer.
Why would it? If you have the vaginal canal, then you have something
better than what some sex-change surgeon would make for you. Nor
a need to create the labia majora, perhaps. Who would need dilation
and ky-jelly when you can feel liquids oozing and dribbling, driving you
crazy from behind your bladder.
- Mel
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