Intro

[Dan_R]

Hi,
My name is Dan and hopefully I have found a good place to tell my story and possibly get some direction as I continue my journey toward the truth about my body. I am in my very late 40's. I would like to share my story and will try to keep it brief, however I dont want to leave anything out since this community seems caring and supportive and it just seems the right place to "spill" - I have also been reading a wonderful book on narrative therapy - so it might just help me! Its hard to open up like this so I will try not to stumble too bad !!

At first I had regular childhood as far as I know but when I started getting breasts and being teased about it I got concerned. My childhood happiness turned into a nightmare and I never asked my parents WHY... maybe they would not have known. Anways its too late to ask them now they are both deceased. First my sister and her friends would tease me. I remember one time on halloween, I dressed as a girl and I had such a peace of mind. I felt as if I was truly who I was suppose to be. Even when I would answer the phone my voice sounded like a girl.

Then came jr high and gym class which was a total nightmare - not just getting undressed in front of others but our gym teacher made us choose teams for basketball and one team was the "shirts" and the other team was the "skins" -- those were the ones that had to go without shirts during the game... I prayed that I would always be on the shirts side and when I wasn't it added to the stress I felt during the locker room. I was teased - and at one time a guy told me he was going to have his way with me (but not that nicely) - he told me I was a girl and he wanted me sexually. I really do not know how I made it from day to day. Looking back on it now I wonder - where were the interventions? Didn't anyone care? (Maybe because it was small town rural area)

Then came high school and I managed to hide behind a cloud of pot smoke - I am sure that staying stoned most the time just numbed everything I was feeling.. self-medication. It also brought me closer to guys that I would not have normally hung out with. I had a girlfriend but I could not penetrate. My penis was small and when I got an erection it would bend very easily. That relationship did not last long, and I started experimenting with homosexual activity. This was with a male friend and it was a not reciprocal relationship - he was the straight one. During our encounters I felt female.

I managed to keep good grades and went to college. I wanted to teach school, however I heard that I would have to take a P.E. class and abruptly changed my major to Psychology - then eventually graduated with Computer Science degree (long story).

In the 70's the gay scene was getting really started and it seemed to be the only place that I could fit in. So I hid in that lifestyle. The music was so loud I couldnt hear myself think -and after a few drinks I got over my shyness. I I had a few relationships but they did not last - I could not shake my infatuation with heterosexual men. Truthfully, looking back I did not fit in as a gay male.

I got settled in my career and started looking at life at a deeper level - lots of reading - meditation - retreats and I always came back to my dilemma... "what am I anyway"? I dont think we can know ourselves unless we know our mind, our souls and our bodies... I feel like I know my mind - and my soul - I am still in the body dilemma. I keep extra weight on so my breasts will not be so evident. At one time I lost a lot of weight and became very shy about my breasts - so I think I unconsciously stay a little overweight. I am 5 7 and 220 lbs.

I have taken 3 brave steps (and now 4 BLO )
Each time I took one of these steps with no results - I fell into a "stuck" state - no nothing what to do.


1. I got my guts up a few years back and went to a doctor that specialized in gynecomastia. He more or less sent me away when I started asking him questions about why I had breasts - I was more concerned in the WHY - instead of having them reduced.

2. I confided in my psychiatrist about my breasts whom I had been seeing for depression meds - and told him I wanted to get a karyotype (I had done reading on Klinefelters) - he wrote me a prescription. It came back as 46 xy -normal male sex. Wow the people at the lab did not even know what the test was for...

3. I opened up to a counselor I was seeing. We were doing a lot of intensive work with anger which involved body movement and releasing built up energy and over the weeks I begin to be attracted to him there was a lot of transference and counter transference in that he opened up to me about a same sex fling he had in the past. So I felt it was the time to tell him about my body. Afterwards, he told me we would get through this together... he would find a doctor for me - he would make the contacts. Nothing every happened.

A year later now I am writing this after giving up - somehow I came to this website - Maybe I did a search on intersex and found it I am not sure - but I am open to any help or advice that anyone can give me. What should my next step be - I just want to know how to find out what my body is.

I am in NC in case anyone knows of a doctor in the area.

Thanks for reading my story.

[Betsy]

Hi Dan :sign16:

Glad you finally made it in! There are a bunch of people who know a lot more about Klinefelters and such than I so I'll won't post on my limited knowledge.

However, the test for mosaicism is a bit different than a simple karotype test. I'm pretty sure they actually have to look for it as opposed to simply looking for XX or XY.

Betsy

[Peter]

Hi Dan,

Welcome to Bodies Like Ours. You wrote:

"A year later now I am writing this after giving up - somehow I came to this website - Maybe I did a search on intersex and found it I am not sure - but I am open to any help or advice that anyone can give me. What should my next step be - I just want to know how to find out what my body is."

It's great that you are here looking for answers. I hope that you get a chance to read about various intersex conditions and the stories of intersex people. There are many types of intersex conditions, and when you are reading through material about various intersex conditions- their origin and how people develop as they grow up, something might click in your mind as closely matching what you have gone through. Good luck on finding a doctor who can help you sort things out. Bodies Like Ours and ISNA do not generally provide doctor referrals, but the International Intersex Organization has an extensive state by state referral list for the United States. I don't know how valuable it is, as it only seems partially completed, and I don't know the criteria for being included on the list, but it might be a place to start. Thanks for sharing your story.

p.s. The IIO has an "Information In English" link, and under there they have a link for "support groups" that list many doctors and therapists. Unfortunately, it looks like they have only gotten up to "K" in terms of states, so there does not seem to be anything specific to NC. But there might be something for Georgia.

Peter

[Morgan]

Hi Dan

I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself - with gynaecomastia and a 46XY karyotype... I ended up going through breast reduction surgery, which was probably the most difficult experience I've ever had to deal with - I'm glad that you're avoiding that route :)

I've also been diagnosed with hypogonadism (low testosterone) - have you ever been tested for your hormone levels? I'd be surprised if a karyotype test was all that your doctor arranged for, as hypogonadism is associated with Klinefelters (and a range of other conditions). It's generally linked to gynaecomastia. Your primary physician should be able to request hormone tests, or you could ask to see an endocrinologist.

Oh, and I identify as a gay man.

Good luck,

Morgan

[Fee]

Hi Dan,
Like yourself and Morgan, I'm still in that same position of not having a definitive diagnosis either...have almost undetectable oestrogen and hair growth where it shouldn't be. I've also been told my karyotype is XX..Oh, and I identify as a straight female.
Take care and I hope you get some answers soon.
Fee