The Pentultimate Truth

[MelissP]

I survived my weekend, somehow. As to what Aimee asked, about
whether they'd found a cause to the bleeding- I got a call from my
doctor today.

As you may recall, I'd previously had two official reports;;

Basicly #1 said uterus, etc, and ambiguous genitalia.

And #2 which said that stuff wasn't what it looked like, my strange
anatomy being caused by previous surgery. But then Dr#2 didn't
describe anything about which anatomical features were supposed
to be indications of this hypothetical surgery. So I'd politely asked
my doctor if radiologist #2 could give a more detailed and verbose
report.

Radiologist #2's report was available today. Same mri, but now he
no longer even sees signs of surgery. In fact, a couple of cysts on my
liver have apparently disappeared as well. Previously, both reports
had at least agreed on the cysts.

Perhaps in response to that, my doctor is apparently now endorsing
mri-report #1 instead of report #2. This might imply a loss of faith
in radiologist #2. However, she's no longer offering any further hope
of finding out what is going on. Given that they had a camera in there,
I personally think her decision is more correct than not, even though
this all seems so unlikely and still doesn't explain so much.

I asked if Dr #2 was even looking at the same mri. My doctor just
shrugged. Perhaps this is the end of the line. I think all doctors ought
to spend a few years in some small town in Alaska. Mellow them out
or something ...

Sometimes it's hard to keep my zest for living. Maybe I'd be better
off if I just stop taking the cortisone, and let the future take me.

[Peter]

Hi Melissa,

I am sorry to hear that you are feeling down. From reading your posts, I have learned that you have had an on-going disagreement with medical professionals over the interpretation of your MRI results. Some medical people believe that you have had previous surgery, presumably a vaginalplasty, and that some of the physical effects that you suffer from are a result of past surgery. As you have mentioned that your vaginal canal does not exit the body normally, it seems difficult from what I have heard to assume past surgery. Also, the presence of a uterus would be very difficult to explain in terms of past surgery. But these are just the passing remarks of someone who has read your posts, and is not intended to be a medical diagnosis of any kind.
I think that it is important for you to take the steps that you want to take. You do not identify as either gender, but I get the feeling that you are happier living in a female body. I would say go for a correction, if that is what you really desire in your heart. I recall reading that you had the paperwork done, and that you lined up funding for future surgery. Sometimes, it is not necessary to have the answers to the questions about one's past answered to move forward. Sometimes, it seems that different doctors come to different conclusions. It would be nice to have the answers. It's a shame that you do not have better answers. But in the end, medical people can only give you medical answers. Only you can answer questions about your inner truth. Biology is not destiny. Good luck.

Peter

[MelissP]

Hi Peter


You do not identify as either gender, but I get the feeling that you are happier living in a female body.


That sounds like kind of an oversimplification. In the beginning, my
efforts weren't originally for the reasons of {gender}. I'm only now
starting to develop an appreciation for the senses of social role. I
think the reason being that for me it's too omnipresent of a reality.
My point of observation needed to change enough that I had parallax.
My current perception is that it's more fun (for me), but it's impossible
to say whether this is because I didn't enjoy what the previous social
paradeigm might ideally have been, or whether I didn't enjoy it because
everyone's perception of me was that I wasn't really l'homme.

I think I'm happiest living in /my/ body. The truth of what my body
perhaps is, is much stranger than I would have imagined. There was a
time when I young, and in my dreams my nerve endings came alive w/
sensations of anatomy that was not in evidence. And I didn't know
what to believe. And a time when puberty did and didn't arrive, and I
was left with physical instinct towards using an anatomy which has
been mine, unknowingly. And I thought I was some odd variation of
gay. And even some times in my mid-20's when I could have sworn I
felt some kind of phantom vagina, and I decided I was just losing my
marbles. Yes, I thought I would be happier in a female body, because
I didn't realize the body that was. It appears I already am everything
I'd asked for physiologically. The bleeding however was never on my
wishlist. Things are better at times when it's running well ...


Sometimes, it is not necessary to have the answers to the questions about one's past answered to move forward.


But that's part of the problem. The exact nature of the past is important
in determining exactly how to go about correction. All I can say for
sure at this point is that the usual ts vaginaplasty is both unneeded and
not too desirable. I've got a better lining, or at least it's already there
even if bleeding does suck. But what then? If the original version of
report #2 was true, then it would be a prostate that's bleeding not a
uterus, and I'd better have it dealt with quickly. And there's a 50/50
chance that clitoral reduction surgery would be warrented instead of
clitoral construction. Except no one can even say if there even is any
good technique for reduction. Some of the people here talk about how
they'd had all their sensation stolen from them.

And I really want to know what happened to me in that university
building in Baltimore. Medical diagnosis in the present would have
given some big clues about all the strange stuff in my childhood.

But there seems like nothing I can do.

[Peter]

Hi Peter

And even some times in my mid-20's when I could have sworn I
felt some kind of phantom vagina, and I decided I was just losing my
marbles. .

Hi Mellisa,

I don't think that you were loosing your marbles. Although I have never really talked about this with anyone, I too have experienced phantom sensations even if that might not be the correct term for it. I just figure that when they perform infant genital surgery to visually normalize the appearance of an intersex child's anatomy that they cannot do much about the nerves except cut them. So, if our anatomy is different, there is a good chance that our nerve pathways are different, if they have not been surgically destroyed. If anyone has any scientific information about this topic, I would be interested in learning more.

Peter

[Dana Gold]

If anyone has any scientific information about this topic, I would be interested in learning more.
Research literature maintains a positive correlation with surgical “amputations” (of any kind, including genital tissue) and phantom limb/organ/tissue sensations. Also of note is a link below describing the brain’s reorganization of neuronal pathways as a compensatory development in the absence of organs/tissues due to trauma or surgical procedures.

Phantom Erection after Amputation of Penis:

http://www.cjns.org/26febtoc/phantom.html

Cortical reorganization and phantom phenomena in congenital and traumatic upper-extremity amputees:

http://www.springerlink.com/app/home/contribution.asp?wasp=6fa63b5b17e449e6b5c172d2d1fddeaf&referrer=parent&backto=issue,9,16;journal,178,198;linkingpublicationresults,1:100473,1

Check out the heading: Post surgical localized pain syndromes in the link below

http://www.neuro.wustl.edu/neuromuscular/sensory-pain.html

Conclusion: Phantom pain and sensations of varying kinds are real phenomena in physical trauma of any kind, especially surgical. In the short movie originally entitled Borderline (not the "feature-length Both) there is a scene where I noted that the main character seemed to be masturbating in the absence of a penis; perhaps as a consequence of a surgical penectomy/vaginoplasty....causing resultant psychological sexual frustration/confusion.

Dana

[MelissP]

Hi Mellisa,

I don't think that you were loosing your marbles. Although I have never really talked about this with anyone, I too have experienced phantom sensations even if that might not be the correct term for it.


Thanks (hug) I know now that I wasn't crazy, what I thought was a
phantom back then has turned out to be quite real. I should have trusted
myself more.

I guess from a web search, that the term phantom vagina isn't so well
respected :-) Though phantom sensations are quite real. I can't remember
if you'd checked up on things or not. Maybe the ghosts are real for you
too?

[Betsy]

Oh my...I have phantom big clit whenever I am intimate with my GF. From talking with others that had similar surgeries, it's not unusual. It does mess with my head sometimes though.

I've never really mentioned it to anyone besides some women with CAH/similar surgeries because the sensation is so wild, I too thought perhaps I was a bit off with it.

betsy