Danielle_Alicia
05-06-06, 12:03 PM
“Adultery: Breaking The Hearts Of Those That Trust.”
By: Danielle Alicia Martin
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. "
~Mignon McLaughlin
I don’t look at adultery as being a religious issue, personally. Adultery is something that I don’t believe in doing, myself, and I would feel that way without ever having read the Bible.
I cheated one time on my boyfriend, back in high school when I was still so young and stupid. I never forgot how it crushed him and how he cried in pain. It was at that moment that I realized I never wanted to do that again to another human being. Although it wasn’t adultery by dictionary standards, it felt the same to me, and I am quite sure, to him. It hurt me considerably, and still does, all these years later. I have never forgotten that powerful lesson.
I didn’t have sex with either my boyfriend nor the other guy I was with, but I felt like I had cheated because I had kissed and fallen for another guy. I was still a virgin at the time. But, I did learn the devastating consequences of a kiss, of giving your heart away to another. And, I learned what it felt like inside to lie and hide away with guilt, shame, and rationalization as my only allies.
I have never cheated on anyone since, but it was that horrible feeling all those years ago that made me realize a few things about love, promises, and sex.
We give our hearts to someone, we tell them we love them. We often say things like, “you’re the most beautiful person in the world to me,” terms of endearments to touch the intended’s soul. We draw them close to us emotionally, we make them feel like they are the best thing in the world. People say these things to us as well, they help us along to believe completely in them.
But, what happens when we find out it is all lies, and that the person has been telling others the same terms of endearments? That they have been having sex with another and lying to us about it? The results can be devastating. I have since been cheated on and I know what it feels like.
Eventually, I came up with a sort of theory on how to make my relationships work. I believe both people need to be fully involved with the relationship on all levels. This is one of the many reasons why I won’t allow the use of pornography in any relationship I am in. It often creates unrealistic expectations and the person who views it can start objectifying people instead of seeing them for their other, not so readily seen traits. It can desensitize a person to their partner’s emotional needs. Now, that is just my understanding of it, yours may be different and also quite valid.
Looking at someone other than your spouse, desiring another, daydreaming scenarios where you are with this other person, all these things take a person out of the moment of the relationship they are in. I believe their energy is best suited being put towards the one they married. And, if their relationship needs “sparking,” then I suggest counseling or that they may be with the wrong person altogether.
Which brings me to another point. Why get married if you are a cheater? Why not just stay single and not have to worry about divorce? That never made much sense to me.
The fact is, when the majority of us get married we do so, I believe, with the intention of being faithful forever, or at least that is what we say. That is an ultimate promise to me. I have always seen the sexual act between two people who are in love as being the most private, soul-bearing, vulnerable, and expressive of all the things they do together. No one can watch, no one can see. No one can know what goes on (in most cases, bearing in mind there is always an exception to the rule), it is a beautiful thing, a physical symbol of their love and joy together.
And, I believe once you break that bond you may find it inordinately difficult to ever get it back. Even if your spouse doesn’t know what you did, you will know inside your heart, and if you have any feelings at all, it will torture you and eat you alive. The shame of lies and deception will hurt your marriage. How can it possibly help? I don’t see it, but then again, cultures are different, people are different.
I would say that it is best to live without guilt. If you are in a marriage where it is implicitly said or understood that fidelity is expected, then live up to your promise, forever.
Another reason for that is personal integrity. If you can’t help lying and cheating on the one person you have made a solemn oath to, if you can’t keep what should have been the most sacred promise of your life, then how can you be trusted in anything at all? This decision concerns you, in a big way. What do you stand for? Did you say you would be faithful? If you did, then take this as an opportunity to prove your deep, strong character. Straying from your spouse is also straying from yourself, and can speak volumes about the person you really are.
Is it ok that many people today don’t take vows seriously? Is it ok and acceptable to just lie to your spouse? In my experience, there are very few oaths or vows one might take in their life. As a woman of honor, I take them dead seriously. If I didn’t enter my marriage with sober and careful deliberation, then I personally wouldn’t feel like much of a wife, nor a human being.
Yes, I am well aware that many people claim adultery saved their marriage, and I am also aware of “open marriages” that have been successful. That is fine for them. I am just not that type of person ,and wouldn’t fit well into a marriage like that at all. For me, fidelity, honor, and virtue are not words just bandied about; they are a living, working, everyday reality of mine. I would only marry a man whom I felt had the same principles and honor himself. I would rather remain single for the rest of my life then settle for anything less than that. And, I mean that.
I would say, put your marriage first. Put your mind towards listening to your spouse, not towards pornography or running after strangers. If you put the same effort into your marriage that you do in hiding all those porn tapes and covering up your illicit tracks, then you might just find that your marriage can be much more fulfilling when you feel good about who you are! Shame and guilt, fear and pain are all destroyers if left unchecked and never learned from.
I think society feels the way they do about adultery primarily because of how it makes one feel when it happens. The one who has been offended is often in deep pain and tells their friends and then might find a sympathetic and understanding ear. This is something that really hurts us as humans.
When we give ourselves to another, then that should just be it. You should, ideally, have thought about the person you are going to marry, the promises you will make, and be mature enough to know what you are, and aren’t, capable of. You will definitely, throughout the course of your life, meet some amazing people who are also worthy of love. But they can’t have yours, because you already gave your dedication and love to someone who was also worthy of love. These people you meet must find love somewhere else.
I know a lot of people want to have sex with no meaning, but is that really feasible? And, if at all possible to do, is it worth the danger? An orgasm is the most powerful reinforcer in the world. It reinforces our thoughts and behaviors. Sex is fraught with dangers, is it not? And removing caring, love, tenderness and all emotions from the act, what does that do? What are we left with? And, just because you are feeling nothing during the act, does that mean your partner feels the same way? If you care at all about another human being, then why would you want to even take the chance? Selfishness, caring more about your orgasm than a human being is not something I endorse or recommend you follow. It is the path to weakness. It is easy to hurt someone, but it is far harder to heal. Learn to build people up, not treat them like playthings for your pleasure.
Once again, I humbly submit these ideas and have an open mind to discussion about them.
:broken_he
By: Danielle Alicia Martin
"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. "
~Mignon McLaughlin
I don’t look at adultery as being a religious issue, personally. Adultery is something that I don’t believe in doing, myself, and I would feel that way without ever having read the Bible.
I cheated one time on my boyfriend, back in high school when I was still so young and stupid. I never forgot how it crushed him and how he cried in pain. It was at that moment that I realized I never wanted to do that again to another human being. Although it wasn’t adultery by dictionary standards, it felt the same to me, and I am quite sure, to him. It hurt me considerably, and still does, all these years later. I have never forgotten that powerful lesson.
I didn’t have sex with either my boyfriend nor the other guy I was with, but I felt like I had cheated because I had kissed and fallen for another guy. I was still a virgin at the time. But, I did learn the devastating consequences of a kiss, of giving your heart away to another. And, I learned what it felt like inside to lie and hide away with guilt, shame, and rationalization as my only allies.
I have never cheated on anyone since, but it was that horrible feeling all those years ago that made me realize a few things about love, promises, and sex.
We give our hearts to someone, we tell them we love them. We often say things like, “you’re the most beautiful person in the world to me,” terms of endearments to touch the intended’s soul. We draw them close to us emotionally, we make them feel like they are the best thing in the world. People say these things to us as well, they help us along to believe completely in them.
But, what happens when we find out it is all lies, and that the person has been telling others the same terms of endearments? That they have been having sex with another and lying to us about it? The results can be devastating. I have since been cheated on and I know what it feels like.
Eventually, I came up with a sort of theory on how to make my relationships work. I believe both people need to be fully involved with the relationship on all levels. This is one of the many reasons why I won’t allow the use of pornography in any relationship I am in. It often creates unrealistic expectations and the person who views it can start objectifying people instead of seeing them for their other, not so readily seen traits. It can desensitize a person to their partner’s emotional needs. Now, that is just my understanding of it, yours may be different and also quite valid.
Looking at someone other than your spouse, desiring another, daydreaming scenarios where you are with this other person, all these things take a person out of the moment of the relationship they are in. I believe their energy is best suited being put towards the one they married. And, if their relationship needs “sparking,” then I suggest counseling or that they may be with the wrong person altogether.
Which brings me to another point. Why get married if you are a cheater? Why not just stay single and not have to worry about divorce? That never made much sense to me.
The fact is, when the majority of us get married we do so, I believe, with the intention of being faithful forever, or at least that is what we say. That is an ultimate promise to me. I have always seen the sexual act between two people who are in love as being the most private, soul-bearing, vulnerable, and expressive of all the things they do together. No one can watch, no one can see. No one can know what goes on (in most cases, bearing in mind there is always an exception to the rule), it is a beautiful thing, a physical symbol of their love and joy together.
And, I believe once you break that bond you may find it inordinately difficult to ever get it back. Even if your spouse doesn’t know what you did, you will know inside your heart, and if you have any feelings at all, it will torture you and eat you alive. The shame of lies and deception will hurt your marriage. How can it possibly help? I don’t see it, but then again, cultures are different, people are different.
I would say that it is best to live without guilt. If you are in a marriage where it is implicitly said or understood that fidelity is expected, then live up to your promise, forever.
Another reason for that is personal integrity. If you can’t help lying and cheating on the one person you have made a solemn oath to, if you can’t keep what should have been the most sacred promise of your life, then how can you be trusted in anything at all? This decision concerns you, in a big way. What do you stand for? Did you say you would be faithful? If you did, then take this as an opportunity to prove your deep, strong character. Straying from your spouse is also straying from yourself, and can speak volumes about the person you really are.
Is it ok that many people today don’t take vows seriously? Is it ok and acceptable to just lie to your spouse? In my experience, there are very few oaths or vows one might take in their life. As a woman of honor, I take them dead seriously. If I didn’t enter my marriage with sober and careful deliberation, then I personally wouldn’t feel like much of a wife, nor a human being.
Yes, I am well aware that many people claim adultery saved their marriage, and I am also aware of “open marriages” that have been successful. That is fine for them. I am just not that type of person ,and wouldn’t fit well into a marriage like that at all. For me, fidelity, honor, and virtue are not words just bandied about; they are a living, working, everyday reality of mine. I would only marry a man whom I felt had the same principles and honor himself. I would rather remain single for the rest of my life then settle for anything less than that. And, I mean that.
I would say, put your marriage first. Put your mind towards listening to your spouse, not towards pornography or running after strangers. If you put the same effort into your marriage that you do in hiding all those porn tapes and covering up your illicit tracks, then you might just find that your marriage can be much more fulfilling when you feel good about who you are! Shame and guilt, fear and pain are all destroyers if left unchecked and never learned from.
I think society feels the way they do about adultery primarily because of how it makes one feel when it happens. The one who has been offended is often in deep pain and tells their friends and then might find a sympathetic and understanding ear. This is something that really hurts us as humans.
When we give ourselves to another, then that should just be it. You should, ideally, have thought about the person you are going to marry, the promises you will make, and be mature enough to know what you are, and aren’t, capable of. You will definitely, throughout the course of your life, meet some amazing people who are also worthy of love. But they can’t have yours, because you already gave your dedication and love to someone who was also worthy of love. These people you meet must find love somewhere else.
I know a lot of people want to have sex with no meaning, but is that really feasible? And, if at all possible to do, is it worth the danger? An orgasm is the most powerful reinforcer in the world. It reinforces our thoughts and behaviors. Sex is fraught with dangers, is it not? And removing caring, love, tenderness and all emotions from the act, what does that do? What are we left with? And, just because you are feeling nothing during the act, does that mean your partner feels the same way? If you care at all about another human being, then why would you want to even take the chance? Selfishness, caring more about your orgasm than a human being is not something I endorse or recommend you follow. It is the path to weakness. It is easy to hurt someone, but it is far harder to heal. Learn to build people up, not treat them like playthings for your pleasure.
Once again, I humbly submit these ideas and have an open mind to discussion about them.
:broken_he