Hallucinations

[Priestess]

It seems like whenever I pass out from the crisis-like episodes which my doc says aren't a health problem, that I have the weirdest visions. But they all have something in common, a hallucination character who never seems to change too much at all. If I try to sketch or describe her, it's awefully horrible by most conventional standards, like if someone dissected a human and threw away half the pieces, and the remaining parts lived on. Except she never seems negative in the hallucinations. Just the opposite, innocent and with a beauty of thought. Weird what experiences one can have while collapsed.

[Anniemac]

Do you believe in past lives? Maybe something happened where an innocent person was brutally murdered in your past life. Possibly it could have been you and your spirit know sit. Have you ever done a past life regression? I would suggest doing so to learn more about it, or possibly try hypnosys. Maybe its your subconcious telling you your innocent, but your body is so destroyed in your eyes, but yet so innocent. Many people get down on themselves about these type of medical conditions. Perhapse something happed there in regaurds to that? Only a lucky few can overlook the problems and figure out how to fix it. The most unlucky, kill themselves and have to start all over again from scartch. I dont want to sound gory, but I wanted to show you something beautiful you may never have considered yet.

[Priestess]

Annie,
I'd like to think we have past lives, mostly because I really feel the need for a future life. But somehow I can't imagine this being as simple as every dream or vision being the result of past life memories.

I once was having some very strange waking dreams, which seemed almost like experiences outside of my times and chronology, as if they might have from another life. Instead these later were revealed as memory fragments from a very young age, and that I had an infancy which was somewhat unusual by most people's standards.

Well, several of the doctors I've seen say there's no sensible reason why the anatomical features that seem to be in me should be there, unless of course some of the testing was done wrong.
Lately I've been wondering if my body developed from two ovum instead of one. It does happen. They refused to take a cell sample for a spot check for differing dna, so I don't know.

I suppose that dreams of a being who is a collective of organs, of bits and pieces that only make up half a body, might be my subconcious's method of representing a non-homogenous half of my body. I couldn't say for certain, my mind has surprised me before with dreams that were both literal yet different from my interpetation.

I read the blog of one person who knew for a medical fact that she was a chimera, and I noticed that she personified her other cells in a way both similar yet fairly different to the crisis hallucinations I seem to be having. So in the end, it's all a mystery.

[Kailana]

Hello priestess, interesting visions and topic. I am Chimeric, i know what my skin looks like under an dermatoligist examination light, it is what is responsible for the two gonadal sets, that is what truely makes me so damn unique. Not to say your not or anyone else is either. my blood apparently says im xy, my skin says im xy/xo. That is why i get so many of my doctors who doubt im IS they look at my dna blood and see xy, and wont retest my skin, bucceal smear that is. it got downgraded last time to blood karyotyping. and even then i still havent actually scene the lab results. Thats just what my doctors told me it said. I have asked for the labs, but i havent been able to get them. i question wheather they were actually ever processed. I also have had alot of conflicting medical reports, from what they used to say to what they now say. I believe i read some of that in your earlier posts elsewhere. So whoknows. i did want to say that i just found your musing interesting.

take care :wavey:

[turtledove]

Ever have dreams of being mutilated by a sadistic doctor? I have. I can recall many occasions in my life where I subconsciously identified as intersexed. I recall mentioning past lives to a teacher at the age of 10 (my explanation for why she might not like flys-she was a frog in a past life). I don't actually believe in pastlives.
A couple years ago I had a dream where I was a girl carrying around a younger boy on my back through a city that was looked down on by small hills at night time. The boy was highly smart but quiet and the girl was friendly. How angry I got in my teens at some of the stupid ideas that people take for granted, like feminist teachers who insist on writting his/her instead of their. So many other instances too. Judging from their comments/actions, I know that most people knew I wasn't 'normal' all through my life (obviously they didn't care to ask me about myself though). What they thought exactly, I don't know. They could tease me about other things that were easier for them to identify. So many whispers, so many laughs,so many secrets, so many lies.

Mostly I have wonderfull dreams now though. I have to thank my subconscious mind for keeping notes on reality for me before my conscious mind would. Now I have such a powerfull subconscious mind that I can pick up so many things that others don't.

[sparklingdreams]

Maybe its your subconcious telling you your innocent, but your body is so destroyed in your eyes, but yet so innocent. Many people get down on themselves about these type of medical conditions. ... Only a lucky few can overlook the problems and figure out how to fix it. The most unlucky, kill themselves and have to start all over again from scartch.

That suggestion seems very likely,

From my perspective. In order to survive the abuse I received growing, including my genital mutilations. Right now I'm suffering from flash-backs, nightmares, and triggers like I haven't in years (because of one single stupid test). I've had similar 'hallucinations', though I'm always aware of the world around me. It's hard to explain.

As for your last comment. I sadly agree. I believe we choose what lesson(s) we learn in each life, but not how we're taught them by life. I don't know what lessons I picked, but I wish I could take it back. But since I can't there is no way I'm killing myself and starting all of this pain over again.