Help...

[Androgynous]

I'm a new member, and new to the idea that my body may not be what it seems. Honestly, I've been hiding the fact that I cross-dress since I was around six years old, and I always said I wanted to be a boy when I was younger. People passed it off as me being a lesbian, guy's clothes being comfortable, and just being a weird little kid. Recently, I was drawn to realize it is much more. I know I'm a crossdresser, definitely, and a very androgynous person. But I don't know more. I don't know. I think about looking more like a male, and the thought thrills me. I bind and pack- and want to stay that way all the time. I think I like having female body parts, but when I thnk about being male ,instead, it feels more right. When i'm dressed that way, I feel more myself, and have a great deal more confidence, but I'm not sure what I AM. I just want to talk- can anyone help? I'm scared.

[Priestess]

Someone needs to post a faq for new members, explaining how to tell the difference between

IS, := conditions originating in the physical, genetic and/or medical, or the physical results of doctors and parents screwing you over earlier in life; which do /sometimes/ result in socio-gender maladjustments bearing a surface-only resemblence to trans- (blah blah blah)

vs

TS := situations originating in the heart and soul, intent of desire to look/act/feel under the local socio-cultural approved standards for whichever sex one wasn't born as; which sometimes results in the desire attaching itself to whichever physical features happen to be conveniently non-average for said birth sex.

example(s) -
Middle aged occasional crossdresser with odd scar and no further information, could be considered provisionally Trans-whatever.

Any form of trans, where the person thinks they /must/ be intersexed, because why else would they feel so girly/manly and want to change sex, is trans.

Female with CAH, reassigned to male, who wishes to revert to true physical sex, may seem superficially trans, but would actually be IS.

Chimeric Hermaphrodite, with double set of reproductive bits, can safely be considered IS regardless of how they were raised or what sex they'd prefer.

There are many other examples available, just gathering from the (kindly?) members here. But you'd get more wisdom from them by listening to them rather than asking their help in telling you whatever it is that you'd like to hear.

One easy place to start recognizing the situation- if your personality was completely wiped out and replaced tonight, would you still wake up in the morning with a physical/health condition that hurts, harms you or otherwise impairs your life?

[Androgynous]

I guess I should be more clear. While I do know what intersex IS (though thank you for all of the information), I don't necessarily KNOW what the hell happened at my birth, being adopted and simply placed as "female" on my certificate. I know I have a great deal more testosterone than females generally do- and therefore some biological differences that set me apart from "normal" women. There is no medical information concerning my birth, and so, no, I can't answer all of your questions. If you believe that this forum is not the right place for me (which is, I guess, a feeling I'm used to), then I will happily leave and seek other places that may have information I'm not already familiar with for me.

[Priestess]

No no no, Androgynous. Please stay, for as long as you feel the need.

If you've got too high an androgen level, that could be a case of CAH, there are various types of that, some of them will get you a high testosterone without really needing meds to stay alive, so it's possible. So you should fit in quite alright.

I'm sorry for reading your intro as I did. Obviously you've got physical questions to be answered, and it's not like the way I misinterpeted what you said. You must admit, you did make it sound kind of like a bad case of trans desire. And I must admit, my reply was kind of mean-sounding. Please forgive me, I've been having a really sucky life lately. But you'll scarcely be seeing me around. And for CAH, there's a lot of great people here to keep you company.

[Dianne]

Hey Andro, WELCOME!

You case sounds a bit like the mirror image of mine. I was adopted to and all the records around my birth were "sealed" (until the hospital had a major fire in the 1950's!) I was put up for adoption as a "boy" and I grew up with itty-bitty "male" bits that weren't fully functional, which would have been ok, I guess, except that I never thought of myself as a "boy" - I didn't even like boys - LOL!!! At puberty, I grew boobs and hips (some) and some hair on my face - YUK!!!!!!!! - but my adopted Mom wouldn't allow any medical treatment or investigation. I was 18 before I found out that I my body ws producing low levels of both testosterone and estrogen but I never did find out why (that was 1968 in a rural area so there wasn't much testing available). It didn't matter - I took control of my own life, started living the way that felt more right to me, and had the body fixed. It wasn't until much later in life that I was reunited with my birth mother and found out there was something "wrong" with me at birth and that I was kept in hospital and a foster home until I was 5 months old before being put up for adoption. When I did some research on Intersex, I found a picture on the Web that really shocked me - I could see where a little "snip & stitch" could have turned that genitalia into exactly what I had as a child! Unfortunately, there were no details with the picture so I have no idea what the condition was. In the past 3 years I have been X-Rayed, CT scanned, ultrasounded, CAT scanned (for other reasons) so much I should glow in the dark but there hasn't been a single comment about anything abnormal, so who knows!

From a bit over 5 decades of living all I can say is that the most important thing in life isn't your "medical condition" (assuming it isn't dangerous) but in finding your happiness and accepting yourself, all of yourself, no matter who you are and what your physical state.

[mohnblume]

From a bit over 5 decades of living all I can say is that the most important thing in life isn't your "medical condition" (assuming it isn't dangerous) but in finding your happiness and accepting yourself, all of yourself, no matter who you are and what your physical state.

... and that is finally all what counts! Be yourself and enjoy the early morning moments when you see in the mirror your own personality - and not that strange person, who uses your tooth brush/

[Kailana]

Hello there Androgenous:

Wanted to say hi!
And say you should be most welcome here. Try not to feel as though you dont have a place here. Many of us dont know, What, or how, or why, for many different reasons.

weather it be adoption, surgery, questionable medical records, or lack of medical records. We have one thing in common, we are unique individuals, who for whatever reason dont fit what are called normal forms of humanity. i mean no offense to those who see themselves as normal. What i mean is that we for whatever reason have questions that people, mostly within the medical community have chosen too withhold information.

i look at us as just being unique, a little wiser, and a whole lot kinder then the majority of so called normal people. Are life experiences have taught us many lessons that most people have not had experience with.

For Diannes post:

Thank you for comment, i agree, you, me , we should just find happiness. i have spent so many years trying to get info from family, Doctors, friends, that i have lost out a great many years of life.
For Androginous: Try not to get tooo caught up in getting answers. It often doesnt work out well. if you are happy wearing mens clothing, well then be happy wearing mens clothing. Whether your intersexed or transgendered , or transvestite or whatever be happy. Find your own peace. Dwelling on the past can be extremely counter productive, That is one of my biggest faults.
im trying though.
Take care

[Androgynous]

Thanks very much, everyone. I have to admit, I felt a bit as though I'd be scared off after first posting, but first impressions aren't always all they're cracked up to be. Though I'm not sure what I am (trans/intersex/CD), I do know that SOMEthing isn't the same as those who are "normal", but lack of medical records allows no sense of what that is, precisely. Thanks for the support, though. It feels good to be "accepted" even if just by an online community. And thank you for the comment about just being happy. That is very true. i'm still on a search to find who I am, and be the person who will make me happy.

[sparklingdreams]

I make these statements only about us born with ambiguous genitals,

Regardless of diagnosis or chromosomes. But hopefully what I say will be easily understood by others with similar past & current mutations, mutilations, & abuses.

Female, Male, Intersex, Hermaphrodite, Third gendered, etc, etc.

These all come down to two different groups. These labels are all classifications. Ways for others to define us in medical records, diagnostic manuals, and identifications that others use to fir us into some box, and to force more pain on us than we already have experienced. Classifications have finite lines, symptoms, and ways of putting people into these groups. And of course the way we're classified, these symptoms are always set by those who fit well within the normal, accepted, female & male classifications. Which in my perspective has always made them unqualified to define these classifications. But it would be to dangerous to let abnormal people actually define, let alone classify themselves.

Than of course any of these labels, and many more, are ways we use to identify ourselves... we come up with our own perspectives, symptoms, and ways of classifications, so that we can somehow define ourselves. Figure out where we fit inside our own lives.

Than comes the saddest part of all. Where I feel so much anger and fighting here at BLO, and so many other groups. Once someone finds where they feel they fit, and how they've gotten themselves there. Then they do what medical and other so called professionals do. We take what we've used to help identify ourselves, and turn them into ways of classifying ourselves and by extension others. Then in order to feel protected in our own identification we make these lines absolute, enforce them on others, and then so many of us who have more suffering in common than anything else. But to protect our own feelings of identification, we turn against each other. We become each other source of pain. Instead of breaking down walls, classifications, and symptoms. We make our own, which is wonderful. But than we try to apply these hard fought understandings to others... which is something none of us have any right to do. Any more than those that mutilated us to fit into their box.

I can only say that ignorant & frightened people & Doctors. All who have though they were right, felt they were doing what was best for us. All I can say is I've suffered enough with mutilations, injections, and abuse. As to many of us have. The saddest truth is that it's because of these abuses and violations we attack each other out of fear and anger. Hopefully someday, or maybe on some board... or maybe it will be along time coming. But I hope eventually we can stop attacking each other, and start accepting and embracing each other. Stop interrogating each other. How come we've seemed to become as dangerous to each other as the mutations we've suffered, Doctors who mutilated us, & parents who abused us?

[Kailana]

That is a wonderful aspect or how do i say talented concept of thought. I have not thought that my own beleifs, self acceptance of what i am, or what i think how i should present myself may conflict with anothers with similar conditions, clash with there perspective of who they are.

Apologies to all. im still learning.

beautiful post Katie

Love and happiness :wavey: