Help me in identifying myself

[rahul200791]

Hello! I'm Rahul.I was born as a boy but gradually
my physical characteristics developed abnormal alongwith mental.In my
childhood I used to play with dolls,behaved
girlish.My choices,likes,dislikes everything matched that of girls.Everyone took it casually and
thought it will become normal with my growth.But nothing was ok as I had to
go through lots of difficulties in School when everyone played outdoor
games and I was not interested in them at all.I couldn't exercise,take out my
clothes in front of people due to small breat development.I had to go through
trauma all these years.At 17 I realised nothing was ok in me as my body
shape,voice,legs,handa,waist,nails,face everything developed feminine and
my thinking pattern was also not masculine.Then I thought I was alone
in this world with these traits so I tried commiting suicides many times
but all in vain.Now I don't know what to do because I feel suffocating
in this society where male should be "male".While searching on
net for people with same experience I saw this site and now I have got a new lease of life that I may
find people like me.Kindly share your experience if its similar to me and help me recover
from this situation.Are these characteristics termed as intersex?plz help

[RGMCjim]

I have an intersexed friend who is from New Zealand but spent 12 years living in India. She is back in New Zealand again but will be traveling to India again.

She was born with genitals that looked male although she had female organs inside. She had many surgeries as a child to make her body look female on the outside but they didn't work. She has bad scars and pain. She never fit in with other girls and once she grew up she didn't fit in with other women. She is now taking male hormones and living as a man. She hopes this will be a better fit for her. I would love to put you in touch with this person because she knows exactly what it's like for intersexed people in India. I know it is VERY hard for you.

I'll ask him/her to contact you here on this website. His/her name is Yann

What you describe about yourself could easily be several different intersex conditions.

We can help you learn more about yourself here. We've all been through it in one way or another.

Most importantly, you are not the only one in the world.

Jim Costich
Rochester, NY - USA

[rahul200791]

thanks n plz tell ur friend to contact meI have an intersexed friend who is from New Zealand but spent 12 years living in India. She is back in New Zealand again but will be traveling to India again.

She was born with genitals that looked male although she had female organs inside. She had many surgeries as a child to make her body look female on the outside but they didn't work. She has bad scars and pain. She never fit in with other girls and once she grew up she didn't fit in with other women. She is now taking male hormones and living as a man. She hopes this will be a better fit for her. I would love to put you in touch with this person because she knows exactly what it's like for intersexed people in India. I know it is VERY hard for you.

I'll ask him/her to contact you here on this website. His/her name is Yann

What you describe about yourself could easily be several different intersex conditions.

We can help you learn more about yourself here. We've all been through it in one way or another.

Most importantly, you are not the only one in the world.

Jim Costich
Rochester, NY - USA

[Kara]

Hi Rahul,
Definately follow Jim's advice and hang out around here, you can get a lot of valuable information. I can really identify with you. I too have always felt female though outwardly appeared male. I had genital surgery as a baby. The doctors messed it up and caused me a lot of physical pain all my life. I'm not a big fan of genital surgery as a result of personal experience. I found out I have some female reproductive organs inside of me. I experienced many health problems including seizures and I became crippled. My body was actually being poisoned by my testosterone. As long as my estrogen was the dominate hormone I was fine. I have a defect that doctors have never seen before. Long story short...I began living female and did so for two years. I fit in pretty well as a female, but I finally came to terms with the fact that I am both male and female. Last year I went back to living as a male because I decided that no doctor will ever touch my genital area again, so sex reassignment surgery was out of the question.

I freaked out when I found out about my intersex condition and really jumped the gun by living as a female. I don't regret doing it, it filled a need I had. I just wish I didn't jump to so many uninformed decisions. I finally came to the realization that whether I presented myself as a male or female, I was still the same person I was before I found out about my intersex condition. So no matter what you discover about your anatomy, just keep in mind that you are the same wonderful person you are now. Intersex or not, there will always be people out there who will cut you down for any reason. My advice is, go where you're celebrated. Find people who like you for you and stay with that crowd. You may be "different" from others around you, but that just makes you more special than the rest. I believe that we are created in God's image. God has male and female characteristics...so, I think that intersex people have a more fullness of God within them than someone who is just strictly male or female. Think on that one!
Blessings in abundance,
Kara

[rahul200791]

hi! thanks for ur advice but u know its just not possible to live in this society of socalled "normal" people all the time I feel why shouldnt i die no one likes me i am not liked its very depressing here in India our society is very conservative kindly help me with more information n help me in finding people like me

[Kara]

Hi again Rahul,
I understand how difficult life can be when you feel like you don't fit in. I'm shure everyone on this site feels that way in varying degrees. Even I have my bad days. I like you and would be honored to be your friend. You are very brave to reach out and ask for help. Many "normal" people don't posess that strength. I for one like people who are different, they are so much more interresting and fun. I am a psychiatric social worker and one thing I have observed is that a lot of my clients actually are the normal ones. Many times it's the people around them that are messed up, and these so called "normal" people go out of their way to make my clients feel like they're defective. Don't feel like you have to take your life, that's an extreme measure. Set your mind on seeking new ways of coping and fitting in. Stick around here, you will find a lot of friends, a lot of ideas, and a lot of answers too. Just remember that you are a wothwhile person and the world is a better place because you are here!
Your friend,
Kara

[RGMCjim]

Rahul,
If the "normal" people around you reject you it may be better to look for people who are gay or transgendered as friends because they will also know what it is like to be rejected for being different. I know finding each other can be very hard.
Have you been able to find employment or have you been refused work or education because you're intersexed?
It's not time to kill yourself yet. You've just found this place. Stick around and see what and who is here. You've got a chance to talk to others like you and that's not something you want to miss.

Jim

[Tab1966]

Hi, I just stumbled upon this site and impulsively went ahead and registered.
I am kind of "in the closet" about being intersex. People who know me just readily accept that I'm a gay man.
I have told a few people in my life in recent years, and they have been very supportive and nice. It didn't change things. But one guy on a gay male website I thought could be trusted to handle it went berzerk and he just could not deal with it. He ended up just hating me and pushed me away. He stopped communicating, other than telling other people I was a liar and a freak.
On the outside, I look pretty much like a man, although my body did not develop fully and I did have a surgery (or -ies??) as a small child. My Dad will not talk about this at all. I think he feels embarrassed that his child was like this.
I am a happy person overall, but I have bipolar disorder and diabetes. I don't discuss my birth situation with my doctor to this point. I kind of think there has to be some mention of that in my chart somewhere, and I don't want to bring it up.
I would love to have some new friends on here. Thanks everybody for hearing me out.
Take it easy,
Tab R.

[Kara]

Hi Tab R,

I think you have just stumbled onto something good. I'm so glad you found us here at BLO. Just know that you are not alone and you are NOT a freak or a mistake. You my dear are a miracle, one of God's unique creations. Someone with a purpose and a destiny for great things. I'm pleased to have the honor of meeting you!!!

Blessings in abundance,
Kara

[Tab1966]

Hi Kara (and everyone!),
I really, really appreciate this supportive, kind message. It makes me feel good to see such an attitude of acceptance on this site.
If any of you would like to contact me outside the site, that is cool also.
E-mail me at tabbig7@<hidden>
Thanks Kara!
Your new friend,
Tab

[rahul200791]

plz tell more about urself if u can
Hi, I just stumbled upon this site and impulsively went ahead and registered.
I am kind of "in the closet" about being intersex. People who know me just readily accept that I'm a gay man.
I have told a few people in my life in recent years, and they have been very supportive and nice. It didn't change things. But one guy on a gay male website I thought could be trusted to handle it went berzerk and he just could not deal with it. He ended up just hating me and pushed me away. He stopped communicating, other than telling other people I was a liar and a freak.
On the outside, I look pretty much like a man, although my body did not develop fully and I did have a surgery (or -ies??) as a small child. My Dad will not talk about this at all. I think he feels embarrassed that his child was like this.
I am a happy person overall, but I have bipolar disorder and diabetes. I don't discuss my birth situation with my doctor to this point. I kind of think there has to be some mention of that in my chart somewhere, and I don't want to bring it up.
I would love to have some new friends on here. Thanks everybody for hearing me out.
Take it easy,
Tab R.

[Tab1966]

Dear Rahul,
Please don't think about ending your life! I think you are here to learn from others and more importantly, to teach others things only you can share! I know India is a conservative place to live. Heck, you should try living in rural Wise County in the very-Red State of Virginia!! I live in the USA, where young Matthew Shepard was tortured and left to die on a ridge fence in Wyoming in the freezing night air, just 'cuz he was gay.
You are special, Rahul, and you are cool and hip, exactly as you are!
Is travel and re-location a possibility for you?? Maybe one day you can save up and emigrate (spelling??) to America or Canada.
I didn't know I was intersex most of my life, and it was hard to deal with for me, until I started getting into it.
I would like to get to know you better, Rahul, if you didn't mind that. Hit me up sometime on Yahoo Instant Messenger or AOL Instant messenger!
On YIM I am listed as ajazzromance
On AIM I am tabbig7

Just like when Sept. 11th happened in this country, I feel a good way to look at this is: "We'll get through this... together!" I'm in your corner!
Let's talk about this odd crap, and just laugh about life in general. My final suggestions for you, my Indian chum:
1.) Watch Woody Allen movies whenever possible- you will laugh and laugh!
2.) Eat more rich, sweet desserts
3.) Re-arrange your furniture in your home- I call it "amateur Feng Shui."!!!
Ha ha.

Hugs,
Tab