some one please,desperate.

[steve/lisa]

Hi,Everyone I know I only put a post up (At last)a couple of days ago but have big decision to make,And i'm scared,and have no one to talk to about it. my ex to be just laughs at me alot and then i just cry alot.then i get frustrated,lonely and cry some more,I'm beginning to think god hates me,or ??. I thought for a couple of yrs to do this,i.e.talk about this now i think i can ??maybe i'm so scared,cause i lost every friend i did talk to but two of them but ones got cancer and may die,the other is well not all their(drinks alot)and i don't drink at all.i was raised male but only have 1 ovary left everything else is been removed and i like being female shoul'da been in the first place,but mood swings,hormone flushes,and crying are getting me down to a really bad place.My v.a. doctor said he knew about my condition but he kept a seperate file for it was told last month to seek outside help soon,to correct problem,told me not! to seek help from the V.A.at all I do have 2 different types of medical insurance thats not the problem,It's should i get it opened up to drain out or removed??But I'd rather have a natural hormone than none at all.I don't wanna be an IT. again!! please some talk to me.I don't bite,It's really hard for me to write this,To open up,to speak the unspoken,my scares are really deep,anything is better than silence,cause thats where I've been for so long,just thought I'd try once and see.thank you all have a nice life.steve/lisa

[Peter]

Welcome to Bodies Like Ours. Thank you for sharing your story. I am sorry to hear that you have had to keep so many emotional issues hidden deep inside of you.

Peter

[steve/lisa]

Hi,peter.For saying something can't sleep so thought I would check the site and their you were.Yes it's so very hard to talk about this,I guess I'm at my wits end,some days i feel like I'm lost in the dark and all i hear are screams and laughter mostly my ex to be she's really mean.I don't under stand why i gave her every thing she wanted i thought even all my love,at first she said it did not bother her But as time went on she changed?Anyway enough dribble i really want to thank you for saying some thing at least you did not just laugh,really that means alot to me maybe finally a place to relax and just talk and maybe get some answers to decide on my course in life.I just want to maybe find a little happyness just a little,thats not to much to ask out of life is it ?? please forgive me if i am a little quit at times the things that people have done to me are horriable,,sometime I mit tell all of the story but i will warn you all it's bad with very little good in their. thank you so much,see ya all later on proble sat for sure. bye steve/lisa

[Dianne]

Hi S/L! You have arrived in a place where you can talk about ANYTHING! There isn't much we haven't heard and I don't think you will find any judgmental people here.

The way I look at things, the most important things in life is happiness - move in the direction that makes you happiest and most content, to the role that is easiest and most natural for you. Medical issues can mostly be dealt with through various medications and hormone therapy (and techniques are vastly superior to a few years ago).

Yes, people get rather wierded out by these things but that's just something you will get used to. If you can find the place where you are happy with yourself, that will help you deal with everything else.

I have been an "it" pretty much from Day #1 - that to is something you can learn to deal with.

Making a decision can be hard but once you make the decision, throw your heart behind it and everything will turn out fine - well, at least it will be better than the place you are in now!

[steve/lisa]

Thank you Dianne,I guess I'm most comfertable with lisa,I guess I have always been that way but father(deceased ) was not, see my mother(deceased)wanted me as a girl and my name would have been Lisa May ....... father was aahh stern... he raised me (parents were devoriced) He had custody of me,and his mission in life was to make a man out of me a rather tough one at that,the lessons were hard.but a few yrs ago i stopped giving myself the tostesterone injections,they where getting real hard on my liver and me in general.After that i just realized that lisa was there(actualy she's always been their) and it just seemed to be a natural thing,i always(after the cancer more than befor)had some breast development,after got a little more after i stopped the tostesterone a yr or so later they got even bigger,my body has done a major changes so,I am most comfee with lisa,and live as her,for some time now,but the mood swings,and thoughts of her are at best some times over whelming.I'm just letting things evolve,I'm so much more calmer now than the early yrs.So Dianne if this does not bother you then OH BOY that would be nice to have friends that don't care.All i have left in me(sex organs) Is one right ovary and assorted hardware inside,and my DR says i must have it opened up to drain as this is the decision i must make very soon(it's he_ _)now when i menstruate,thats the problemit can't get out the openning was sewn shut during the first 2 yrs of age i had 6 surgeries between 2 months and 2 yrs old,see i am a chimera by Tetragametic embryo absorbtion of my faternal twin,one of us was male and the other a female,they the DR's think maybe i was the female one,( in both parents sides their are heavy twinning(father first,14 in family,3 sets of hermaphrodites salt wasting,all died soon after birth fathers 2ed sister was turner's syndrome,(mothers side)G mother and great G mother were identical twins,mother had 4 live births,and 16 misscarrages total,that i was aware of,when i was conceived,she told me she felt different that time and was scard so the DR gave her D>E>S>at the onset of the pregnancy,until the 8th month,so she could not loose me like the others,when i was born(mother had AB+ blood RH- factor)I was RH+ factor and she had hemophilia,well they guessed my bother befor me(he's RH+ too)set the stage for me,reading the delivery reports of my birth,was at best traumatising,I, had ? got? (HDN) The report said infant died 3 times each time was revived,they slowly removed my blood and replaced it with RH- blood she did not get an injection of RhoGAM till after my next brother was born but he was RH-,anyway she almost bleed to death as AB+ blood is hard to find she got over a dozen pts of plasma and 3 pts of AB+. Anyway getting tired now I'll write more later(sorry)I said this was a long one,and i was trying not to write another book!?. Thanks Dianne for the ear,talk soon .lisa (At last maybe a friend thank you.)

[Dianne]

Feel free to write as much as as little as you wish!

I am glad you have one identity that you are clearly more comfortable with - I think that makes things easier. Being 50/50 (I think) would be tough.

My story is elsewhere on this site but the nuts & bolts of it is that I was somewhere between M & F at birth (physically probably more incomplete male) and was assigned male and adopted out. Unfortunately I never identified as male so the harsh attempts to make me "act like a man" only served to crush my spirit. I knew there was something wrong physically when I hit my teens and started developing both ways (but not a lot of either) but was mentally most decidedly FEMALE. I wasn't allowed any medical investigation (my parents already knew what was wrong) and no medical treatment until I cut out when I came of legal age 30+ years ago. Being able to "stop acting" and just be myself was a god-send - like being liberated from a death camp!

I don't know (medically) what the details were - they didn't have a lot of tests back then - I just told them to "snip and stitch" and make it as good as they could - details never mattered, just results (WOOHOO!)

Anyway Lisa, I look forward to your next instalment :)

[Kailana]

hi again steve/lisa. Nice to see anothe vet. and you can try going through the VA, but so far it hasnt been of much help. As i was diagnosed in the military i figured id have a nice mental case haha, as far as the VA states any trauma caused during military service is under the responsiblility of the VA to take care of. WEll i found out thats a load of crap. not to say that the VA is all bad, i do infact get alot of meds from them, and for free, yes yes all you dear and loyal citizens pay for my HRT. Government is funny that way. Anyways, Some things they will cover, some things they wont, They actually consider me delusional, it is vary annoying living with that diagnosis. And unfortunately that directly led to a few overdoses, i hope you never have to experience that. Sorry i didnt read your posts sooner, i tend to go through spurts where i am reading everything in here on a daily basis to going through periods where i am away for several weeks, my attendance varies alot.

anyways, back to the VA, in all honesty, how you are treated has more to do with the dr you see, rather then the VA itself, as i have had both great doctors and really crappy ones, my current GP is a wonderfull lady, I have found that women are a great deal easier to talk to then men. That is my own perception though. And if you do talk to a Dr that is male, hope its a young one, if you get those older ones, they tend to have a really crappy attitude towards men who arent men. or men who are woman, or well whatever. younger drs are alot more understanding from my experience.

shoot im rambling again.
ill go now, best wishes

[shelly]

I do identify with not wanting to be an "it". I am really struggling with that concept myself right now. In fact I am really depressed today. Maybe you will know that what I write truly comes from the heart at this moment. And that is not to discount anything anyone else said.

How can you be the most productive in society? If you have the option to be what you are truly comfortable with, then what is the big crime.

I don't identify much with transsexuals, but I do remember something one once told me; "life is something to be lived, not coped with.

As to your wife, do you think the problem is that she's just plain mean, or she is feeling a sense of loss? That is to say that if you go all male, would she simmer down? I can't advise you on that. I am staying as male as I can be to retain my loving wife. I don't want to make her a lesbian by default. I live as 50/50 and it really drives me crazy because I prefer being Michelle.

Anyway, as to my monthly periods, I don't have a drain either and it makes it hard on the body because I get all kinds of colds and phlem and breathing difficulties. I would love to have the plumming hooked up the right way, but then I think for me menopause should start soon and maybe I can keep the penis for my wife's sake. I love her so much.

You have to be able to live with yourself, and you can write me if you need to just cry it out. God bless and do something nice for yourself today

Mike/Michelle

[steve/lisa]

yrs ago shelly,My wife said it did not bother that i did not have teste,i had fake one's put in often cause they broke,and a little later i had to have a penal implant put in cause it was becoming harder to have an erection,and she said she did not care,i mean it did not bother her,But after alot of yrs of tostesterone injections to remain a male.(i had little body hair befor the injections)My liver got a little wierd like the liver panels went off the scale,DR told me to reduce the dose well i was not only trying to please my wife,But was trying to stay male.But no matter what i did it seemed not to please her,
I was what she said :buff:But it seemed nothing was making a difference,Then several friends started to see her out with other men in town,(we live in a very small area) A friends wife came over mad as heck and told me her husband (I thought was my friend)was going out with my wife,and one nite she called told me were they where and I went their for myself and saw them locked in each others arms.well i then interfered and asked why ,thats when she said I can't stand to look at you,your a nutless one.She said she likes one that has nuts between their legs,well i almost fell over,and for the past 3 yrs she has only had sex with me 3 times and 2 of those times i got an infection down their so i am not going to chance a 3ed time,besides everytime she see's me she laughs at me,and the things she say's to everyone is horriable,see I only told her,(everything absolutely everything last month thought it was a way for her to understand whats going on)see I AM NOT A T.V. OR T.G. OR T.S. and that is what she was saying to people,i told her about this in the hopes of saving a marrage,But alas it has only made matters worse,now she has gotten really bad about it.And my only two friends have told me how she has talked to them and tried to convice them I'm a homo,and they have told me they think she's mean as all heck.
In the yrs we have been married I have never gone out or gotten in a situation which mit compermise our marriage.
I have not have any desire or wish to be with anyone but the one I love,she's been my world.And then to find out she's been doing this almost from the start is WHY I'm heart broken.So i figure I can live in a place I feel safe as lisa,lisa's aways been apart of me, but now as her maybe i can find peace of mind and soul.so as far as whats happening to me is from all sides at once.And from what her friends tell me(they think she's flipped out or something) She's a hateful person they can't beleave what she's doing,so my marriage is gone,and maybe I'll have a little peace now I'll find my way somehow I always have,But with all the bad things that have happened to me in my life,to have the one you trust the most ends up being the one that does the most hurt is almost unbearable.Thats why i am crying alot everytime I think of this(thats all the time of late)I just get all weepy,sometimes my eye's swell up so bad i look like a monster.But as things go I'll get better as time goes on.See I guess i hurt so bad cause i loved her so much but she has betrayed me and what little trust for anyone I had seems to be gone.So shelly i applaud you for you being able to please your wife,But it seems i have not been able to for yrs.I'm unwilling to continue living like this,I can't bear her comming home and listening to her lies.so I'm glad to hear that someone is winning and having a good relationship that gives me hope for my future.must go now,thank you shelly for your kind words,have a nice day,lisa

[shelly]

I am so sorry to hear about the way your relationship ended. I was married to a woman for 7 years who would lose her temper and hit me. I guess I let it happen because I was socialized as a man and told "you don't hit a woman --ever". One night she literally pulled out my hair scratched my face until it bled and left wounds for three weeks and punched me in the face, basically beat the crap out of me. ( she had hit me many times before and was actually institutionalized because of her temper at one of those "Charter" type light mental care facilities, cost me $60,000)

At that point, I finally hit her back because she wouldn't let go of my hair. But I gave her a warning first; "let go of my hair or I'm going to hit you". She didn't and I did. It was at this point that I knew I couldn't stay with her because she threatened to kill me and I believed her. To make a long story short I hadn't finished college and had built a successful service business clearing about 50 grand a year ( that was back in 92). I know that isn't a ton of money, but when you did it yourself, without a boss.. you're proud of it. I lost my home, my business, my car, my furniture and ended up living in a little camper shell in an RV park.

So I know what it is like to start over again. It can get better, but you have to be the kind of person that someone would want. So I would say to you, by all means, do what makes you feel like the most productive, happy person you can be. One who emits a joy of living so someone can't stand NOT to be with you.

And... it sounds like your wife would have been just as unfaithful even if you weren't intersexed. It is a character flaw. It is funny how people can tear you up over flaws that you were born with and not look at themselves for the flaws they could have changed. You can't change being intersexed if you tried. You can cosmetically alter some of the things that cause stigma, but you can't alter your genetics. She, however, could have taken a course in faithfulness, and love.

Keep doing nice things for yourself, your wife sure isn't going to. And I am trying to be careful because I wasn't there on every give and take. Even so, nothing you did could have mede her be unfaithful. She made that terrible choice all by herself. As you stated, you didn't do it back. That's the difference, she makes bad choices, you make the decision to be faithful. YOu will always be able to look back at yourself with honor when this is over.

Sincerely
Michelle