How public?

[Dianne]

I spent the first decade of my life thinking I was supposed to be a boy but sure that I was a girl. My adopted parents tried to raise me as a boy and I found that so confusing. It all left me feeling like I was just weird. At puberty it was even more confusing! I stared to develop breasts AND fuzz on my chin. Breasts were ok but the other wasn't. I also fell in love for the first time and I knew that what I was feeling were "girl feelings", not "boy feelings". Most everyone in the small town where I grew up knew I was "different", not "flaming gay" different, just not quite one nor the other. Though I was apparently male, I wasn't male like the other boys - my "private parts" were tiny, shaped different and never matured.

Tests when I was about 15 showed low levels of both estrogen and testosterone, neither anywhere near normal for either sex. A doctor suggest to my Mom that I be put on testosterone (to "make a man of me") and I said I'd rather take cyanide!

I lived part of my first 21 years androgynous, just enough boyish to avoid my Mom's wrath (and beatings), and the rest of the time in girl mode (any time I was away from home).

At 21, when I came of legal age, I was finally able to seek medical help (without my Mom's control). I wanted corrective surgery to be able to live normally, as a woman, but that was hard to find. Because my birth certificate said "male" and there were no "medical indications" (problems) to warrant the surgery, it was considered "cosmetic" which meant I had to pay for it myself. It took 3 more years to raise enough money.

At 40 years of age (1980) I met my birth mother and learned some details about the first few weeks of my life (possible "problems" that they tried to hide from my mother) and that there was a five month gap ("missing time") between when my mother left me at the hospital and when I was put up for adoption.

More years went by with me thinking I was "just" a MtF transsexual (no slight intended to our TS/TG friends) until a few years ago when I was looking through some information on the Internet about various Intersex conditions. I happened upon a picture (with no title or description) of a person with "unaltered ambiguous genitalia" and I was lightning-struck! The picture was an exact duplicate of what I would have looked like if I had not been altered as an infant! I could see EXACTLY what had been done - cut here, stitch there and presto! - a perfect double!

Shortly after I was talking to my sister and mentioned this picture and how it made me wonder. We talked about our adopted Dad and realized that HE had a form of DSD and all of a sudden all the pieces of my life fell into place! It was like a "connect the dots" picture when you reach that magic point where you suddenly realize what it is and how all the dots connect!

At first I was unimaginably ANGRY! I was livid that so many people in the family and family friends KNEW about my "difference" but nobody ever TOLD me, angry that I struggled so painfully with my identity and nobody ever admitted that there might be a reason. Everybody knew but ME!

The anger subsided and I came to see that there were some people in my childhood who tried to help (as best they could without coming right out and admitting what they knew), my adopted Dad and a few family friends. Small comfort for all the years of anguish but knowing is still better than not knowing - at least I understand everything now and I understand why people did what they did.

I have been on my own for 15 years now (since my last marriage fell apart) and in my latter 50's I have all but given up on romance. (The effects of my ordeal left me with a partially masculinized body and malformed genitalia and most "normal" people just can't get past that.) I spent most of my life (since age 24) just trying to live a normal life but I have reached the point where I am feeling more and more inclined to be more open about my journey and maybe, just MAYBE help "normal" people understand sex and gender just a little better.

Having lived so long keeping my past a secret, I am a bit fearful to be "too public" but I also know I am doing a disservice to those who are struggling with sex and gender issues and maybe it is time for me to be more vocal and less anonymous.

Who among us is "public" on Intersex issues? (I mean "real name" public.) How has that effected your life? If you could keep it a secret, would you?

[Wyn]

Dianne...

I have become Very 'public' in the course of discovering the exact nature of my being, although, it has been an EXTREMELY tough and disheartening experience, more for my own fears and self-doubts, than the reaction I've received from those I've confided in.

As long as I perceive the 'receiving party' to be somewhat 'intelligent', and 'open-minded', I have made a POINT of declaring my condition, along with the absolutely Horrendous physical and psychological toll the 'corrective actions' have had upon my being.

For the most part, virtually everyone I've spoken to, and have become acquainted with over these last 3-4 years have been, for the most part, quite understanding and sympathetic. But, that has more to do with the fact that I have been extremely conscious of the limits of my audience in understanding and being accepting of the information I was giving. Knowing what information to give, and how to present it, is key to any successful 'training' of the general populace - there are tremendous social and psychological barriers to the concept of IS throughout society.

I have had to make my two neighbors aware of my situation, as when I moved into my home, I was 'male'... and unambiguously so - for the most part. However, my subsequent female puberty over these last number of years has made appearing 'male' difficult, particularly in the summer. (my hormone levels are those of a young woman, and, even more astounding, is that it now appears/feels that my one ovary has begun to ovulate - this at the 'age' of 52!... but, physically, I appear to be at about my mid 30's... and I feel it too! One of my docs says that I'll live to 120!) So, I needed to bring my situation 'out', simply to allow me to live a 'normal' life, and not hide in fear within my own four walls.

One was an intelligent, educated woman, so she was truly understanding and open-minded... I could give her the details of what was done, and didn't receive anything but positive feedback.

My other neighbor is not educated, except in a most minimal fashion, so it was a more delicate situation. Fortunately, I have a copy of the Time Magazine edition (March, 01, 2004) that explains in fairly simple terms and concepts, the issue of Intersex. This, combined with the fact that it's a well-known publication, made broaching the issue of IS with them far easier, and acceptable, and I have received generally a positive 'reception' regardless of any preconceptions that they may have had.

One thing that I have made a point of NOT doing, is to inform any single males... I have no desire to become the victim of some ignoramous's curiousity about 'doing' a hermaphrodite. This is an important part of the issue of 'knowing your audience'.

One of the hardest issues yet to be fully addressed is with my employer. Although the owner was completely understanding and accepting of my situation, I will not be making the transition until I can get some corrective actions accomplished - more for my own peace of mind than anything else, but, also, to make a point to my fellow employees about the grievous and immoral actions that were perpetrated upon my infant body. I know already that some see me as 'trans'... but I have confided in a few to 'let them know the truth' - if this resulted in some of this information 'getting out', so much the better, in my opinion. As it is, I've already discussed the actions that will be necessary in 'coming out' to the general staff with some key personnel, and have gotten thier complete cooperation in this.

So, my life continues to 'move forward', but, it's a long and demanding process - more for the social and psychological aspects, than anything physical, but, certainly, this is an important aspect as well. I am trying to make myself at least Somewhat 'whole'... although, I know, deep down, that I will Never be 'truly' complete... but, at minimum, I will have at least a small sense of peace in my life.

It is without a doubt that there are some key people in my life that have made this continuing understanding and acceptance of myself possible - I have come Extremely close to 'losing it' more than a few times, and it is they who have made my life bearable enough to continue.

Well, I think thats about enough from me... although, I recognize that there are those who have had it/have it Much harder than I. Its for them that I try and get the message 'Out'... the more people that Know of IS, And the perverted actions of the medical establishment, the more likely it is that we can Stop these medical invasions of an infant's autonomy, although, the recent post by an adoptive mother had me in tears... I just cannot believe, in this day and age, that they are 'Still Doing It'... unbelievable.

[Dianne]

Thank you Wyn - very touching!

I just cannot believe, in this day and age, that they are 'Still Doing It'... unbelievable.

I know! That really set me off to. It is hard, when it raises such emotions for us, to not "let loose" on the mother. But she is trying to do the right thing by her child and being fed this line of "scientific theories" from people she has grown up trusting (doctors). Belief in the almost-infallibility of doctors is far too common because doctor THINK they know and will not admit where there is doubt.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

[peaceandparty]

i havent read everything right now....due to my littel brother visiting

but i am VERY public about my intersex identity

and i think its very important

dianne...i have loved all your recenet posts
just i cant write like you
but i understand most of what you are writing
gotta go

[Glenn]

I'm fairly public, but I get a lot of rebuttals - mostly the "oh you're just really gay" stuff. I've gotten to the point where I don't care what people think, I'll just do what makes me happy. F**k 'em if they can't handle what I am.

[Kailana]

Really Im really really open, but then i usually get asked if i am TS so its pretty easy to talk to people. As a matter of fact i Identify as IS/TS/truehermaphrodyte. Basically a MtF(social phenotype) thats what people see, Intersexed true hermaphrodite. Name and everything else, and really the only problems i have ever had is within the medical community. There is alot of missunderstanding i think by Doctors, and occasionally a nurse now and then, but overall, in public i get treated fairly well. Sometimes i think being afraid of what people will think had more of a detrimental effect on my psyche more then how they actually respond to me. Most people are very interested in my life, sometimes I might get asked "why not stay male"? truthfully people seem to comprehend what it would be like to not fit your body, to identify as the opposite of what you look like. There seems to be a good deal of understanding when they just take the time to think about how there life would be if they were well born a little differently, if they had secrets, surgeries, name changes, gender changes kept from them, if they doubted how manly or womanly they were do to a genetic variation. Or maybe really they just see it that this is who i am, and can understand that too. I really think with openness, sharing our life histories, more people will come to understand just how unique a person can be and really just improve acceptance of people who are just a little different then what is typically expected for a man or a woman.