steve/lisa
10-04-07, 02:33 PM
Sweet dreams r made of these.The other day I was feeling sorry for myself and a friend reminded me of a saying to cheer me up,It goes kinda like this,I felt sorry for myself because I have no shoes,Until I saw a man with no feet.It did cheer me up some and am thankful for her friendship.
There is of course,A RIGHT beyond all things;Beyond our thoughts and ways,Beyond our petty thoughts of right & wrong.For we as a spieces R small and insufficient in the large scheme of the cosmos,Our wants & desires R so trivial.Our needs to be something we are'nt,Our schemes and such R nothing compared to the personal deceptions we put opon ourselfs.
There is of couse the alpha and omega,The beginning and the end of all things mortal,And of course the soul,The ever lasting part of ourselfs.Our souls are immortal a small piece of the creator;As our souls grow we will at some point in time merge once again into the creator as one;As we were in the beginning.Our trivial pursuits to be rich,Famous,Powerful,For some or all,At least to some degree,Be something we are'nt and could never be.For we R what we R and nothing more.
My wanting not to be like I am,Like I was born is a trivial one at best,For I cannot change what I am,Nomatter how hard I try.I am what I am,And nothing more!!!
As I travel threw the internet and this mortal plain we call earth,I have seen and felt so many different things,The good and the bad,The indifferent.
The beauty of all things large & small,People always amaze me.For some,Being what they R is not good enough.I always seem to run across those that want to be like me,When I want to be like them,Like him,or her,like them,It is in our nature,To think like that,We seem never content to be ourselfs.We as a species,Always wanting what the others are or have.
Many,If not all wars R fought over these things,Our greed,Lust for power,No matter how large or small of a thing,Seems to rule R thoughts.....
The what If's What if I were tall or short,What If I were beautiful,Sexy,Cute,A male or female,Would people love me then.I feel to decieve other's is nothing more than,Trying to decieve ourselfs,In doing so,We lose R souls,We then R destined to repeat R lives till we can accept what we R.
Some time ago,After I lost my 2 ed teste and found out what physiology inside me is,I met a person in the med center were I was being tested,Who thought and wished that he was like me,He felt if that was him then society would have to accept him as a her,He really wanted to be a female so badly,I ask him why he felt like that,He answered in a very long and big worded,( He said he had been seeing a physiotherapist for a couple of yrs.)Conversation that took over two days till he left the hosp.He was there to get breast implants and a nice pair they were.
He listened to the DR's tell me all the things they were finding out about me,He stated to me on the 3 ed day I was their,( my bone marrow extraction point really hurt that day)That he wished he was like me,He felt if he where like me then it would be easyer for him to convince other's that it was a matter of genectic's rather than his need to be a female,That way society would have to accept him as a her that way he could say that it is genectic,Not just her feelings of what he felt a female should be or his desires to be one.
I ran into this person upon my return visit to the center a few months later,It seemed she was very unhappy at that time it seemed,As I think of things,Wanting something is not always the same as having,It seemed she was accepted even less after than befor To me that goes back to accepting ourselfs as we R.She seemed to forget that i had talked to her befor and now she was trying so hard to convince me,Me of all people,That she was a tr.herm,I asked her when and how she knew this,she stated she felt that she was one,She went on to say that society did'nt like herms anymore than transgenders,She had found out what I did'nt say to her,She went on to say now people called her a freak now,nomatter how much she tried to say she was A tr.herm.So now it seemed she was in worse shape than befor,She lost her good job,Her family shunned her and she was really depressed.I listened to her,Boy was she really depressed It seemed the big words and such had left her mind,Anyway opon my 3ed visit to the med center,I found out from some of the staff she had committed suicide;I have lately been thinking back about stuff like this and wondering if,If I had anything to do with her decision to end her life.
But i feel I did'nt have a thing to do with that.It seems she wanted to be something she was'nt,There's no shame in wanting to be something just don't be something ur not.
I myself wish I was'nt born like this,Some others who I've met on the internet wish they were me,Mostly i guess so they would be more accepted for what they want instead of what they are.Be happy with what u r I have been thinking as of late cause I guess it could always be worse.It came to a point in my life prior to 18 yrs old it was all good,Then the cancers came and problems arose and it been 1 bad thing after another over 40 surgery's on my groin area alone fixing 1 thing or another,Trying to be happy threw all of this,I'm not trying to be something i'm not,I'm just being what my creator made me,There must be a good reason he made me this way,Maybe to learn something beyond what i would normaly learn.
My father always said never lie,cheat or steal,I live by these rules,I live and breath them,He also said one other rule,The most important one Honor,He said if U take all alway from some one and stood them in a field naked and took everything away from them then all they have left is there word or Honor,and if there word is no good then their nothng a zero in life!!
I have always tried to live like this and found so few willing to pay the price for peace of mind,I wish I had never told anyone of what I am inside me then if I wanted to I could move anywhere and call myself whatever and start over,Most ones R not willing to give up all they have earned in life to be what they want instead they want everyone else too.Just like the girl at the med center she got lost some where in the stream of life.So many want to be me,Not even knowing what I have endured from the normals,The hatred and scorning and such is at times unbearable at best,I have over 2 boxes of scans cts,mri's,ultrasounds and tissue samples and blood work and most can't seem to accept me for what I am,I'm the freak an "IT" in society's eye's and nomatter what amount of medical stuff i have makes no difference to them.
So again in talking to myself I have answered my own thoughts,The alan parsons band wrote this song "I would'nt want to be like you"I have heard that said about me alot in my short life here and U know what "I would'nt want to be like me." But I am me and so I must move on to what I am,( Dianne the DR's have ruled out ovary cancer but there is a large mass in front of my uterus on top of the bladder that they r about to remove very soon so wish me luck O.K.)So friends and lover's I will bid u all farewell for now..Lisa....
To dream a dream of dreams are the happy one's..Lisa.....
There is of course,A RIGHT beyond all things;Beyond our thoughts and ways,Beyond our petty thoughts of right & wrong.For we as a spieces R small and insufficient in the large scheme of the cosmos,Our wants & desires R so trivial.Our needs to be something we are'nt,Our schemes and such R nothing compared to the personal deceptions we put opon ourselfs.
There is of couse the alpha and omega,The beginning and the end of all things mortal,And of course the soul,The ever lasting part of ourselfs.Our souls are immortal a small piece of the creator;As our souls grow we will at some point in time merge once again into the creator as one;As we were in the beginning.Our trivial pursuits to be rich,Famous,Powerful,For some or all,At least to some degree,Be something we are'nt and could never be.For we R what we R and nothing more.
My wanting not to be like I am,Like I was born is a trivial one at best,For I cannot change what I am,Nomatter how hard I try.I am what I am,And nothing more!!!
As I travel threw the internet and this mortal plain we call earth,I have seen and felt so many different things,The good and the bad,The indifferent.
The beauty of all things large & small,People always amaze me.For some,Being what they R is not good enough.I always seem to run across those that want to be like me,When I want to be like them,Like him,or her,like them,It is in our nature,To think like that,We seem never content to be ourselfs.We as a species,Always wanting what the others are or have.
Many,If not all wars R fought over these things,Our greed,Lust for power,No matter how large or small of a thing,Seems to rule R thoughts.....
The what If's What if I were tall or short,What If I were beautiful,Sexy,Cute,A male or female,Would people love me then.I feel to decieve other's is nothing more than,Trying to decieve ourselfs,In doing so,We lose R souls,We then R destined to repeat R lives till we can accept what we R.
Some time ago,After I lost my 2 ed teste and found out what physiology inside me is,I met a person in the med center were I was being tested,Who thought and wished that he was like me,He felt if that was him then society would have to accept him as a her,He really wanted to be a female so badly,I ask him why he felt like that,He answered in a very long and big worded,( He said he had been seeing a physiotherapist for a couple of yrs.)Conversation that took over two days till he left the hosp.He was there to get breast implants and a nice pair they were.
He listened to the DR's tell me all the things they were finding out about me,He stated to me on the 3 ed day I was their,( my bone marrow extraction point really hurt that day)That he wished he was like me,He felt if he where like me then it would be easyer for him to convince other's that it was a matter of genectic's rather than his need to be a female,That way society would have to accept him as a her that way he could say that it is genectic,Not just her feelings of what he felt a female should be or his desires to be one.
I ran into this person upon my return visit to the center a few months later,It seemed she was very unhappy at that time it seemed,As I think of things,Wanting something is not always the same as having,It seemed she was accepted even less after than befor To me that goes back to accepting ourselfs as we R.She seemed to forget that i had talked to her befor and now she was trying so hard to convince me,Me of all people,That she was a tr.herm,I asked her when and how she knew this,she stated she felt that she was one,She went on to say that society did'nt like herms anymore than transgenders,She had found out what I did'nt say to her,She went on to say now people called her a freak now,nomatter how much she tried to say she was A tr.herm.So now it seemed she was in worse shape than befor,She lost her good job,Her family shunned her and she was really depressed.I listened to her,Boy was she really depressed It seemed the big words and such had left her mind,Anyway opon my 3ed visit to the med center,I found out from some of the staff she had committed suicide;I have lately been thinking back about stuff like this and wondering if,If I had anything to do with her decision to end her life.
But i feel I did'nt have a thing to do with that.It seems she wanted to be something she was'nt,There's no shame in wanting to be something just don't be something ur not.
I myself wish I was'nt born like this,Some others who I've met on the internet wish they were me,Mostly i guess so they would be more accepted for what they want instead of what they are.Be happy with what u r I have been thinking as of late cause I guess it could always be worse.It came to a point in my life prior to 18 yrs old it was all good,Then the cancers came and problems arose and it been 1 bad thing after another over 40 surgery's on my groin area alone fixing 1 thing or another,Trying to be happy threw all of this,I'm not trying to be something i'm not,I'm just being what my creator made me,There must be a good reason he made me this way,Maybe to learn something beyond what i would normaly learn.
My father always said never lie,cheat or steal,I live by these rules,I live and breath them,He also said one other rule,The most important one Honor,He said if U take all alway from some one and stood them in a field naked and took everything away from them then all they have left is there word or Honor,and if there word is no good then their nothng a zero in life!!
I have always tried to live like this and found so few willing to pay the price for peace of mind,I wish I had never told anyone of what I am inside me then if I wanted to I could move anywhere and call myself whatever and start over,Most ones R not willing to give up all they have earned in life to be what they want instead they want everyone else too.Just like the girl at the med center she got lost some where in the stream of life.So many want to be me,Not even knowing what I have endured from the normals,The hatred and scorning and such is at times unbearable at best,I have over 2 boxes of scans cts,mri's,ultrasounds and tissue samples and blood work and most can't seem to accept me for what I am,I'm the freak an "IT" in society's eye's and nomatter what amount of medical stuff i have makes no difference to them.
So again in talking to myself I have answered my own thoughts,The alan parsons band wrote this song "I would'nt want to be like you"I have heard that said about me alot in my short life here and U know what "I would'nt want to be like me." But I am me and so I must move on to what I am,( Dianne the DR's have ruled out ovary cancer but there is a large mass in front of my uterus on top of the bladder that they r about to remove very soon so wish me luck O.K.)So friends and lover's I will bid u all farewell for now..Lisa....
To dream a dream of dreams are the happy one's..Lisa.....