need some advice

[megela]

Hi
My partner and I are in the process of adopting, and are seriously considering an 18 mo. old girl, who has been described as intersexed and apparently had an operation around age ~11mo. So far we only have a photo, which we're very taken with, but we will be receiving a medical report and video within a few days.
We were very excited to find this group, and were hoping we could find out from folks currently parenting, and IS adults about what this little kid will need to grow up feeling all right about who she is. We will know more details about her situation in a couple of days...but wanted to reach out now. Thanks for any insights you all can provide. Meg

[Cherilyn]

Hi Meg.. Good Luck with your baby.. I hope u will adopt her 'cause u really care about givin' her a healthy life..
Um.. All I can suggest is.. um from my experience.. Do not tell anyone of your daughter's condition except a few most trusted. They will eventually tell their friend or relative about their friend's daughter's condition and they might give her a weird look or give her wrong kind of answer like she was part of male which might lower her self esteem..
Always be honest with her and keep her info'd of her condition. But keep tell her that she is a very very special girl. The superior girl than average girl.
Let her play both boys & girls' toys, anything she enjoy.
If she is unable to have children of her own, remind her that she can adopt.
Make sure She know that u reallly love and care completely about who she is, (especially not telling each person u see of her condition) so she can rely on you with questions.
Sibilings, they should know about her very early. Hopefully they will have strong bond where she can get support all her life..

Make sure she keep up with her hormonal treatments regularly or she will feel awkward for bein' different, (flat chest, no pubic hair, etc) especially during summertime, she might avoid swim with the big group of people otherwise she will try to stay in the water or immediately grab the tower as soon as she get out of water.

If she ever want to tell the person she trust about who she is. Encourage her to do that because usually they wouldn't care and still admire her. But beware of wrong people, they can be fake, appear to be caring but then stab u in the back.. Watch out for types of people.

Again, good luck..

Any Questions, ask me.. even about sex life. There was/is some problem, struggle, frustrating, etc etc issue on sex life. My sex life is great now. I can enjoy it but maybe not as great as y'all "normal" people but u can feel as great as they do.

-Cherilyn ;)

[megela]

Hi Cherilyn,

I tried to send you a reply a month ago, but am not sure that it ever went through. I'm new at this list stuff.

So, I wanted to THANK YOU so much for your reply. It helped us a lot, and we decided to go ahead and adopt this little kid! It will still be 4-6 months before everything is finalized and we can bring her home. We are very excited.

We are getting lots of questions about her because everybody wants to know everything! We are telling people that she is a little girl and is living in an orphanage...and that she is healthy...and that's about it. I listened to your advice about not just telling everybody about her being an IS girl. So...thanks.

I do wonder about her sexual development and experiences...and I guess it can be pretty individual to each person...or what do you think? I would be interested in knowing more about your experiences, as much as you feel comfortable sharing, so we can know a little better how to support her. If you want, you can do a personal reply to me.

Thanks again. Have a great weekend! Meg

[Janet]

Hi Megela.
My suggestion would be to get ALL of the medical records to date for your child. Try to understand that the medical community purposely holds back info from parents because they feel the truth might be 'too upsetting'. If the records do not indicate chromosonal make up, then I would have those done so you and your partner know exactly what condition your child has. It is not unheard of (fairly common in fact) that XY Males born with micro-penis are sex reassigned as females. While female hormone supplements at puberty will help 'her' body develop as feminine, we've heard from many parents that their children are clearly out of sync with their bodies and the hormones don't lift the confusion. Other children are born XXY, XXOX, or other mosaics. It is not such a simple thing to select which hormone (if any) a child is given.
We urge all parents to select a gender-neutral name (quite in fashion anyway these days) and wait for cues from your child, as gender emerges bit by bit over years. They will let you know in simple and complicated ways, who they are, how they see themselves, and who they want to be as they grow up.

As with any child, just love and nurture them each day. Be open and honest in age appropriate ways, and let your child know your love isn't dependent on them fitting into preconceived categories.

By the time your child has very real questions, this whole issue will be wide out in the open. Hopefully a big hole will be blown into the medical protocol of shame, secrecy, lies and isolation. Whatever and whoever your child is, they won't feel like they're the only one in the world with a body like theirs.

Good luck, and bless you for caring.
Janet