View Full Version : hi everyone !
hi everyone ,,,
I guess the first thing I want to say( if I can stop crying long enough to see my keyboard) is thank-you betsy ,,,,thank-you for saving my life............
I want to say more but I just can't right now ,,,,,I have been reading posts, stories and visiting every site about intersex for two weeks straight since getting connected to the internet and I am so overwelmed with emotions,,,,,,,,,I can't think straight,,,,,,
I had no idea there was a name for what I am ,,,nevermind other people just like me,,,,,,,until I was flippin through the channels and saw this guy talking about his condition,,,I quickly related to what he was saying ,,,,after staring in disbelief for a moment ,,,,,,I quickly grabbed a tape and threw it in the vcr,,,
pressed record and then quickly changed channels so no one would see the show(was living at sisters at the time)...then when I was alone I watched it over and over and over ......
I just can't believe I am not alone ..god I hope all this is real,,
if it is real ,,,,and you are all real people born like me ,and not just trying to catch a glimp of the freak ,,,,,,,,,,,,,than please,,,,,,contact me,,,,,,,,,I don't want to feel like a freak anymore,,,I don't want to be alone anymore......
Hi Jesse,
Yes, yes, yes, yeah...we are all real. real human beings here because we all were born like you...In fact, we do a pretty damn good job of chasing off those that are not real ;)
Welcome to Bodies...I know you will find kindness and kinship here.
Betsy
Yes, this site is for real. It's not one of those internet sites featuring women with carefully constructed male prosthetics offering "intersex" pornography. This forum is not a "freak show". A sign of the self respect of real intersex people is that we are not infatuated with genitals, and see each other as real people. I agree that this site is amazing in many ways. When I first came upon this site, I too spent about a solid week reading the posts. It is great to know that as an intersex person, I am no longer alone, and I am welcomed by this forum. Thank you for your post. I hope that you continue to find this forum a valuable place for self-discovery.
Peter
thank-you betsy and peter ,,,,,,,i am sorry if I am coming off offensive to anyone ,,,I don't mean to question anyones validity, this is just so scarey to write anything ,,,I still feel like any minute a team of reporters is going to bust in with cameras flashing ,,,,,I have been so terrifide that anyone find out about me ,,,,, but with each and every story I read ,,,,,I worry less and less about that ,, and am starting to relize that ...oh my god ,,there are children out there right now ,,,right this very second who are going through the same torture I went through with no one to talk to and no understanding of who they are or what is happening to them,,,
and that is unacceptable.
Living in that dark, shameful,secretive and isolated closet has completely ruined my life, and filled it with pain , hearteche , and anger.
How is it that a man lives 30 some years without being wise to a condition he himself has,,? ,without ever hearing the word intersex ?
I want to do everything i can to make everyone aware of intersex conditions. If I can protect one child from the suffering I went through ,,then I could at least say my life had some sort of meaning and that I made a difference,,:)
Dana Gold
02-16-04, 01:14 PM
Hi Jesse,
First of all, you are not being offensive, perhaps defensive...( as I was for 4 1/2 decades ) in the same manner as many have done in living unawares or in fear of being "different" than "normal". Welcome to BLO where you can be free to be yourself, without suffering for it, and find acceptance and discovery at the same time. Take care of yourself.
Dana
"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas
Thank-you so much dana,,,,(((((big hug)))).
I just can't tell you how awsome I felt this morning when I got up.
for the first time in my life I met a new friend ,,and told them I was intersexed and all about me........I haven't spoken one word of untruth to this person ,,,,,,,,,,and it is a feeling so wonderful that i can't begin to descibe it .............. although it was on the internet and not in person ,,but still that was a huge step for me .
since my awakening ,,,,, I am feeling stronger than ever ,, things have never seemed so clear to me before ,,,as to what I must do .
I am slowly getting a grip on my feelings ,,,,,they were flooding me for awhile there ,,,,,and spilling out all over the place uncontrolably.... but everytime I share something with another it gets easier to control and deal with them . so easy to do when your not alone. thank-you again for this site ,,,, :)
Some thoughts for you Jessie
Do you believe that we don't have to change our friends?
People are always changing.
Do you believe that no matter who you know or how long you know them, they are going to hurt you sometimes?
Every once and awhile, you must forgive them.
Do you believe that true friendship grows even when time puts distance between you?
That is why its called love.
Do you believe that you can do something in a moment, and hurt from it for the rest of your life?
Would you believe it takes a very long time for us to become who we realy want to be?
Do you believe that you should always leave loved ones with the
kindest spoken words you can, just in case it is the last time we ever speak?
Do you believe you can live on much longer then you think you can?
Do you believe that no matter how in love you are, or how hot and steamy a realationship starts out, the passion fades, and there needs to be something solid underneath it?
Do you believe the only thing of yourself that you give that comes
back, is what you don't expect from someone, and who doesn't owe you anything?
Could you believe that sometimes the people who you think may have kicked you in the face, are the ones who helped you back up?
Do you believe that just because we have the right to be angry,
we don't have the right to be cruel?
Can you believe that if someone can't love you the way you want
them to or the way you need them to, that doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have?
Do you believe that no matter how much you hurt or are heartbroken, that the world will not stop for your grief?
Then Believe! That out past and background circumstances may shape who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
You're not lost anymore and maybe someday you'll change your name to "found". The power of community to people that never had one is an amazing awakening for each of us.
One of the early goals of BLO was to provide a place where people could meet, share, and know they were not alone anymore. It is a joyous watershed that has been felt by each of us; a turning point in self acceptance and discovery.
Don't feel bad about being 30-something and not knowing/understanding. Many of us were older than that before we learned the truth.
You'll find a welcoming, knowledgeable and humorous group of people here that are always willing to share, help and laugh. There are no 'stupid questions' or ill conceived notions of what a person 'should' be. It's our differences that make us the same.
Dana Gold
02-17-04, 01:23 PM
Hi Jesse,
I, too, was "lost" for many years. I finally came to terms with my life as "I knew it", when I was 50 yrs old! Through the "seed" of liberation, a new vista of discovery and self-acceptance "sprouted" and began to bloom. And from thereon was nurtured by the support from others and my own process of "letting the sun shine in" on the darkness of what I considered to have been a "wasted existence"....I wrote a lot of poems at that time, here's a part of one of them that I'd like to share with you and others:
The answers I’ve sought for so many years,
through cloudy times, shedding all of those tears,
were always much closer than I dared to have thought
and never to far from the struggles I’ve fought.
I was so wrong to have sought truth from afar,
looking for myself in a dim nighttime star.
The spirit I’ve yearned for has always been here,
forgotten and buried from ages of fear.
I’ve asked of others, “Do you want to see me?”
While being afraid to set myself free.
Submission, denial, conform to my pen!
Oh, why did I listen to all those cavemen?
I only hated and tightened the rope
around my own neck, unable to hope.
I can no longer choke my own life.
I want to be me, away from such strife.
Composed: 4/23/01
By Dana Gold
AND thank you for the big hug! Here's for you: EXTRA BIG HUG:D :) :cool:
Take care.
Dana;)
That's a beautiful poem, Dana. And it's so true that the 'answers' are so close. The truth is much less frightening than all of the questioning and doubts. The longer I live with/knowing about the 'real' me the more I believe that being IS is no big deal.
thank-you jules for your thoughs,,
....I cut myself off from the rest of the world ,,,at 14 when I started to develope small breasts and made my condition noticable even with clothes on.
so I never formed loving relationship or even friendships.
as far as what i believe ........ I honestly don't know what to believe anymore ,,,, when i lived so long believing lies ,,
you can take a seed,, put it in dirt ,,,give it water to grow,,,,,and you may not like the way it is growing ,,,,it may not be as beautiful to you as the other seeds you planted ,,,,,,,
so you take the different one and start chopping away at it ,, trying to make it look like the other ones ,,, this leaves the plant hurt and weak ,,,,,unable to grow tall enough to reach the light it needs to survive ,,,,,, the plant wilts ,,,,,, it's leaves start to turn brown and eventually it dries up and dies.......
was the plant responsible for what it became?
Jules ,,,,,,I want you to know , I have read alot of your post ,, and I have found great courage and inspiration from them. we are alot alike ,(specially the part about being a kid in a candy store ,lol)
thank-you for your private message,,,,,it gave me shivers reading it ,that is who I am too,and I will respond back privately ok. :)
to janet ,,,,yes after the first day at this site I wished I had never used that id lost ,,,,,,,but at the time i really did feel lost and alone.
lol...hehe i checked yesterday when i was adding a bio to my profile. it says your id is yours for life ,,,, and will be changed in extreme cases only . but thats ok ,,,I am giving it a new meaning ...from now on it stands for this:
Living Open Searching Truth. hmmmmm maybe I'll think on it awhile lol.
I am trying to deal and forget about my past , it means nothing anymore ,,,,,, I have found my long lost brothers and sisters, and I have found a place I belong and can start enjoying being intersexed , and share the gifts it has givin me .
I too am starting to think it is more of a gift than a curse or punishment.
no,,,,,,,,, I am not starting to think it,,, I know it ,,,,,, but what I'm starting ,,,,is to show it... :)
dana ,,,,,you think you can out hug me huh? jesse morphs into hugasaurusrex,,,,,,,
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs dana)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
hehe beat that ......
thank-you so much for sharing your poem . have you written any lately ? I would love to hear some more . :)
Once again everyone ,,,I fear i am not the best at expressing my feelings into words, so please know that I have felt nothing but love and acceptance from you all. and I think your wonderful.
oh yeah ,,,one more thing ,,,can anyone suggest a good learn to type program ? me mot gord typer, I started this 3 hrs ago .....
stop laughing ,,,,it might have even been 4 hr ,,and that is just down right pathetic...... lol :) luv ya later ..
Welcome!
Many of us went through an ohmygod kind of catharsis on finding this place, so welcome to being "found."
Glenn
Dana Gold
02-18-04, 03:37 PM
Jesse,
I haven't written any poems recently (except for one mean-spirited one I gave to my psychologist a few weeks ago). However, I do have another in My Documents (PC) I'd be happy to share...same time period as the last: this one in response to my psychologist as to what "kind of person" I would be (in reference to taking 'sex change' course) in the future. The poem is about the resumption of my life....after 4 1/2 decades in the "Twilight Zone".
I had my sex and identity truncated as a child by long-term (male) hormone treatments and forcible rearing to male:( :mad:
Onto the Path
To ask me at present who I’d reckon to be,
after living in darkness, not easy to see,
awakening from long sleep and coming to earth,
I have been lately in a rebirth.
To ask a teenager, “Hon, where are you going?”
“I don’t know exactly, I’m still young and am growing.”
Together with body and mind she’ll mature
into adulthood, her defining more sure.
I feel the same, I’m still learning of me.
Coming to terms, more of my truth I can see.
I sense it’s a process just as we all come to know.
From earliest childhood to adult it will show.
So I can say this as to where I now stand:
I have in this moment a much steadier hand.
I am bidding farewell to the life I have lead.
But still close to the things in my heart and my head.
Some differences of mind and habits do sway.
These also have been there all up to this day.
Casting off years of transient existence,
consciously following my inner insistence.
To reveal the youngster that never grew up,
replaced since that time with something made up.
I hope my new life will forever continue.
No more hatred and fear and a beautiful venue.
Composed: 4/30/01
By Dana Gold
hi glen ,and thank-you for your welcome ,, its really funny when i look back at my first posts.. i laugh .. I know all the different feelings I was feeling at the time and it was just all aaaaaahhhhh!!!!! glad to know you all can relate how unstable I felt. I have always been more of a controled person that everyone thinks is so tough not showing much emotion other than happiness or anger. a big fake really ,,
"but I'm much better now" :D lol
dana ,,, wow another awsome poem , i have never really liked poetry,, but I guess it was because I could never really relate to it before. It was just words, being said by people who knew nothing of my life , nor I theirs .
I feel so sad inside for what happened to you ,
Did you know what was happening to you as a child? I never had a clue . I remember my last visit to the doctors at 13 and him pondering as to whether or not he should give me a shot ,that i am pretty sure he said was hormones . To this day i still have nightmares about having this huge needle stuck into my penis . during an operation when i has about 5 or 6 , and I was wide awake, and remember screaming loud enough for some one to come help me ,, I was being held down by lots of other doctors ,and i remember another doctor come running in and yelling at me and smacked me in the mouth,,,then they put a mask on me and I fell asleep.
aaaahhhh ,, sry about that dana ,,,got off topic ,,, I think I needed to get that out ,, I have never told anyone that before.
anyway ,,,i never let him give me a shot .
One thing about being alone was I was left to grow into a body i was intended to have ,
I can't tell you how thankfull I am that I was not turned into a girl when I was a baby like so many other intersexed children (so i have read). I am soo happy you have been able to be reborn and are free now. :) so what is your life like now ? maybe you might want to express what it is like to be you now ,,in a poem ,,hint hint ..hehe.
thank-you for sharing and allowing me to share ,,,
luv ya later .......
Dana Gold
02-18-04, 09:04 PM
Jesse's Q: Did you know what was happening to you as a child?
A:
I came to the USA @<hidden> 7 yrs old, in tow with mother and step-father. The first few months were absolutely bewildering, like some alien world. Shortly therefter, I got my operation, woke up in a drug fog, seeing my (under-developed) penis bandaged and a tube running out of it, and hearing the voices of other children, but not seeing them because I was in a cubicle type room, separate from the others. Then, later, the torments from others, when I bloomed into a female puberty instead of male one...................
Memories of all my early trips to the doctor's were fragmented, surreal: exam tables, butt shots, strange languages and strange people dressed in white and working in places that looked and smelled strange. Frightening, all of it. As it must have been for you, and a lot of us.
To this day, how I wish they could have left me alone, or better yet, changed me to female..but such is life and, well....I am free within myself now, finally have a stable living condition, and enjoy living by myself...have no "partner", nor want one. I also am happy with my employment with the University, where people are liking of and respectful to, me... as are my small circle of friends (mostly women). I am for the most part happy, but sometimes still saddened and angry at the world, but not so bad as before....I'm healing, as many before me have been by being here at BLO , sharing and discovering......finally...
...and yes, maybe, just maybe, a poem might be in the making , a tribute to the good things in life, the ones that helped us to not just survive, but live....like BLO, friends, and..... our own selves.
Take care, Jesse
Dana
hiya dana ,,,
I am glad your going to write another poem ,,,
i can't get over how good it feels to hear another simular story.
I would love to be in a whole room of intersexed people discussing issues.i have been searching but no success for others in my area.
so you work at a university , your lucky you've found a place to work that you like and feel comfortable at.
Hey Jesse, Sorry I'm so late in saying hello, I was out of the loop for a few days! I just recently started posting here myslef (after reading since around september). I had a lot of coming to terms with a lot of stuff before I was ready to post, it's hard to explain, but either way, I'm here now, so welcome!
-Adam
Jesse, its good to hear that you are doing better. The transformation that you have undergone in the last week or so, which you have recorded in your posts is rather amazing. In reading your posts, it seems that I can feel years of tension melting away, and a happier person emerging. I have also been impressed to find that we have a poet among us, Dana, who has shared some finely crafted poems with us. Thanks.
Peter
hiya adam ,
it is nice to finally meet you , I have read your posts and think you are brave and wonderful , and I am glad to see you are in school. your welcome came at a perfect time as I wanted to say something in regards to your previous post.
hey peter ,,,,,,, how the heck are ya? thanks for your post. I do really feel awsome ,,,i swear if I was under a black light you could see a light beeming out of me............................it is amazing ,,, I feel so free to do what ever i want and not feel like I don't have the right to live. It is very simple ,,,,i have found out that my differences are called intersexed and there are lots of others just like myself....and have been long before I got here................... so obviously we were meant to be here!
I feel so powerful and inspired by all of you at blo. I care less and less about my past as each day passes and each word is shared. I am more interested in my future and want to start living my new life as a stong , funny , careing , loving , accepting and understanding, intersexed human being that god created. I am perfectly happy with myself ,, I love myself ,,,and my body .It's the rest of the world I'm worried about.....
This brings me back to you adam,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,I think you are so very fortunate to be in the environment that you are in ,,, and don't think you should make a decision to leave that environment because of gender.I don't think you are cheating anyone by being there. And you have your own room.
I am finding out that once I leave the blo. environment and go out in the world to start living ..................... I am alone and in a very unaccepting environment....Growing up most my life in this town i know people everywhere , I went to school with these people,,,,,my horrible fear of being discovered comes from watching these very people,,, litterally beating people that were different. the only shame I feel now ,,, is for not stopping some of the cruelty I had seen ,,,,,but if i had, they would have turned on me like a pack of hungry wolves... thats how I still feel today.. like they are just waiting for me to show any sign of difference. everyone in my family acts like if they pretend its not there ,,,it will go away. but it won't ,,,, I will always be intersexed and should be able to feel happy about that.
What I need more than anything, is to get away from here and find an accepting environment .
Dana Gold
02-21-04, 10:44 PM
Well, I did say I was going to write a poem as a tribute. I happened to stop by my office on the way home and the thought just came to me, so with that, the pen was in motion. The result:
The Heart of Hope
First and foremost, important right now,
the path to redemption is one's personal vow.
Not to let precious life force succumb to those forces,
which would trample self dignity like a herd of wild horses.
With acceptance of thine self and your courage on high,
be thankful that bad times have passed you on by.
Celebrate your good friends and your new found life.
The past is but history, may your future be rife.
Just one small thing I'd still like to say:
May good fortune be with you AND have a nice day!
Drizzle, drazzle, drizzle, drome,
time for this one to go home.
(it's raining outside)
Bye, bye!........;)
"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us."
-Helen Keller
Billie Q.
02-21-04, 11:19 PM
Dana wrote:
"Drizzle, drazzle, drizzle, drome,
time for this one to go on home."
Aaarrgh!
Jessie wrote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------
I will always be intersexed and should be able to feel happy about that.
What I need more than anything, is to get away from here and find an accepting environment .
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
You have faced things in life and asked question about your life that some people never do in a lifetime. Yes, In a world that makes cookie cutter molds of most of people who eat alike, think alike, talk alike. How refreshing it is to find that, people can have diffrent creative ideas about who they are. Yes, you can be very happy that your intersexed. Find the type of inviroment that allows us to grow into people who can change culture rather then people who change because of our culture. It is a big country out there!!
I would have put two thumbs up ,,,,,,,but betsy wouldn't let me,, grrrrrr ,,, lol just kiddin bets.
but the rain part of your post made me bummed out to think you were in the rain ,,,,,,,, grrr I hate the rain ,,,, way to much rain here ( a springfield kind of clue to where i am ,,lol).
I wrote a short poem after reading your first one ,,,,,I wanted to capture ( well try lol) how I was feeling that day. but it is silly, and I am not ready to subject myself to such humilliation yet , even to you folks ,,lol but i might one day ,, to try and get a laugh.........:)
Hiya jules ,,,,How's it going today...awsome I hope ,,,,,,, I have a question for ya,,,,,,ok?
I came to learn early this year, dispite my previous fears, that I COULD satisfy a woman sexually . Quite successfully actually ( have the bald spots to prove it ,, lol j/k ) and I feel quite secure that I do not need a surgery on my genitals , in order to be able to satisfy a woman. I am not sure what all was done to me when I was a child , but what i was left with(sorry for being graphic ) is very small and looks gross, but I get unbeilivable pleasure from it ,, so i don't want to risk that if it is not neccesary.
So that part of me I can accept , and I believe now that as a child I was allowed to identify as anything I wanted ,,and that explains why I am called by my second name ,,,,, no one calls me by my first name. amd my second name can be boy or girl. that is something people have asked me my whole life ...Why are you called by your second name?,,,,,,It gives people the impression that I am hiding my identityfor some reason ...... and if people don't get answers to their questions,,,,,, they will come to their own conclusions,,, based on what life has taught them ,,,,,, and that is people trying to hide who they are ,,,, are usually criminals.
LOL ,,,,, oops sorry got off track there.....
anyway what I'm getting at here is ,,,, I have always felt male ,, as far as ,, when I think of kissing another man ,,, I get a heebie jeebie feeling in my body and almost gagged when I had to at a valentines day party ( wee there were some good times ,,lol).
but I am like no other man I've met as far as everything else goes.and am my very own gender or person ,,or what ever you want to call it.....and i feel what i want to feel and society isn't going to tell me any different.I will make some woman very happy one day .
But the reallity of it is ,,, I am a male with breasts,forced to live in a society that doesn't accept that. and that is something you can't hide ,,, I've tried for many years ,,, and have suffered in great pain from heat rashes and burning sores all over my chest from the tape. I can't do it anymore jules, I want to feel the sun on my skin , or go swimming ,, or just walk down the street on a sunny day wearing only shorts and a t-shirt,,, I cant even sleep with-out a shirt on,,,,,,,,,,,it has cost me all my jobs ,,, everything wrong comes down to this,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, It makes my feel litteraly sick to my stomache when I touch them , it doesn't feel right ,,, feels more like you would feel if you started to grow a big wort on your face,,,,, just doesn't belong there.
Where do I go from here? If I didn't have breasts I'm sure i would have become an actor or performer ,,,,,I just love being the centre of attention and was all the time as a kid,,,,,,
I am not afraid of coming out and saying I am intersexed and i want to start being an activist, but it doesn't mean I want people to be able to see it. If I walked in a room with just a t-shirt on ,,,thats all people would see ,, and i don't want every conversation of my life to begin with ,,,,yes i have breasts,,,i am intersexed ,,,blah blah blah.......
I am very torn,,,,,,, I truely feel like if I knew last year ,,, what I know today I would have got my breasts removed , and I had the money to do that then.... and i could have saved the best career of my life.
If I try to deal with this and not change,,,,,,,, and find out later I just can't deal with it,,,,,, I could waste even my time out of my life, and I am dieing to get living.......
I would love any comments or suggestions from anyone who is/has delt with simular situation.
or if ya just want to say ,,,," hey wassup dawg " ,, thats ok too . :)
i guess I addressed this post more to jules ,, because jules always get me thinking so much ,,,grrrrrrr,,, lol j/k jules :)
p.s.--- I have had zero success in finding any chat rooms or anything where I can meet other intersexed people in my area.
If there is as many of us as they say ,,,,,,,, where is everyone ? and why won't anyone come out to play? :(
If anyone wants to maybe get a social or a gathering together in the washington state/ British Columbia area ,,,,,,,,pm me ,,,,,
maybe we can have a potluck picnic or something. But private so know one feels they have to " come out " by attending ... what does everone think?
Jessie wrote:
I am a male with breasts,forced to live in a society that doesn't accept that. and that is something you can't hide.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jessie you have choices. Each one of those choices only feels like it tears you one way or another untill you decide.
Personly how can I blame you for wanting surgery? You can't control how other people think of you. I can relate to how you might feel marked. I used to be a target to. But mark my words the day will come when you WILL be able to take your shirt off and be proud of who you are, and who you have become today and better, tommorow. Before that day comes though, You must decide which foot your going to put foward.
You are a deeper man then most, to find the right woman you must find the lady that is just as amazing and deep as you. Your intersexulism will be a part of what gives you your humility and kindness, so you should trust that she is out there, looking for you. You will find your equal, surgery or not.
You have to trust that you already know what you must do to make things better.
Surgery cost a lot of money. But it's worth it, if its worth it to you. It is your life, your show, your happyness. How could your money be spent better?
Don't ever think that you should do it to make anybody else happy other then you. If surgery will give you peace, then start saving money, and choose your doctors wisely.-----------------------------------------
If you make peace with your body the way it is, So will the people that really matter to you the most. This is a matter of inner peace.
--------Remember, that if you have made just a few friends in this world you really have more then most people----------------
Jessie said:--- I have had zero success in finding any chat rooms or anything where I can meet other intersexed people in my area.
You would think that with 1 and 2000 births being to some degree intersexed, we would be crawling out of the woodwork?
NOT!! I still feel pretty rare! I have tried and the closest I've come is talking to a few on the phone that was great!! Long distance though.
written by Dana:
The Heart of Hope
First and foremost, important right now,
the path to redemption is one's personal vow.
I just don't feel anything right now, and I have a headache,,,
The circumstances of my day ,,, brought me to my uncle and aunts(actually 2nd cousin but called him uncle as he was much older)house, where I came face to face with my exgirlfriend(have not seen each other since break up in nov.)I had pushed her like everyone else out of my life to protect myself ,,,,,,,, even though she was completly accepting of my body.
I started thinking of all blo. family ,,,,,,,,,,,the first two lines of dana's poem ,,,,,,, racing through my head ...........jules was right on the money ,,I Knew what I had to do next. and at the moment I felt I owed this woman some explanations,,,, so I ran outside to catch her as she left,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, It was very hard and i felt like she thought I was trying to make up or something,,,but i got it all out ,,,, told her that I was something called intersexed, and I proceeded to educate her on the subject.I explained to her and thanked her for accepting me ,,,,, but I don't think she got it when i told her it was the fact that,, I,, couldn't accept me,,,
I've spent 33 years feeling like I didn't belong and had to hide myself or someone else might realize it.
It wasn't until I found blo. ( thank-you god , for that day.)that I started to feel like a real person.
Anyway ,,,, i spilled my guts to her ,,and was actually hoping she might want to be friends and come to the hospital or doctors with me. NOT !!!!! what a bitch ,,,,,,,,,, after I'm finished telling her it all ,,,,,,, she says " Yeah well your whole family is sick!" and proceeds to rant and bad mouth my aunt and uncle ,,,,because of some silly disagreement,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,unbelievable ,,,, but so typical of a woman who could not forgive me for missing lunch with her mom ,,,,,even after i told her it was because I was with my sister finding out my mother was dieing,,,,,,,,,,,,
anyway I didn't know what to say ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I found myself agreeing with her to shut her up...... but I don't agree with her and I'm piss I did't tell her where to go and stand up for my family.
but that fear came back ,,,,,, I couldn't express my true feelings once again,,, in fear she might go run around town blabbing everything i just told her in a negetive mannor,,, because i didn't agree with her. she left .......... I was standing there feeling like that was a disaster ,,,, this did not go well at all and I could feel my self wanting to just run and hide ,, and never do that again...
Well ,,,,,,,,,,, back to my blo. buddies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I started thinking of what you all ,,,,,might say to me if you were standing right beside me ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, all i heard was ,,," stick to your vow",,,and" try again"..............and thinking of the tell 5 thing,,,,,
I went in the house and said to my aunt and uncle " have you ever heard the word intersex ?"
woooooooooohoooooooooooooo
I didn't tell five but I told three :)
My aunt and uncle were absolutly wonderful,,,,,,,,,,,,,I am so glad I got back on the horse after being bucked off,kicked in the teeth,stomped on and left for dead by my ex. lol
i think I feel good ,,,,, I wasn't sure how I was feeling at the begining of this letter ,,,,,,,, but I think it was because I was dwelling on the negative part of the day ,,,,,,,,,,,, but ,, I 'm much better now ,,,,,hehehehe................
i will tell more of the healing that happened at my aunt and uncles ,,but i am drained,,,,and am going to chill out and watch a movie and stop thinking for awhile .
jESSIE SAID: Anyway ,,,, i spilled my guts to her ,,and was actually hoping she might want to be friends and come to the hospital or doctors with me. NOT !!!!! what a bitch ,,,,,,,,,, after I'm finished telling her it all ,,,,,,, she says " Yeah well your whole family is sick!"----------------------------------------------------
Sounds like there is a good reason to call her your XXX!!!
You have better days ahead.
Be glad she is not your girfriend anymore! You ducked a bullet!!
Thanks jules,,
There is no doubt , she was not the one for me , but at the time I thought she was, she accepted, and was happy with a part of me,, I thought,, would never be accepted. Although I was in a "normal " relationship and was living with a woman for the first time in my 33 years ,,,, I had never felt worse. I have always felt my body to be a freakish suit I was made to wear , but I have always known that I was an awsome person inside ,,,,, and i was just giving in to the loneliness and was settling for someone I knew was not the one.
I do not regret my time with her as I have learnt my sexuallity or ablility to be sexual,,,,,,, has nothing to do with the size or shape of our body parts ,,,,,,,It was this relationship that really gave me the courage to start searching for the truth ,,,, and the willingness to risk my life( as I saw it at the time)to find some answers, no matter what they were.
Sometimes I feel like i can't distiguish my real feelings from fake ones,,,,,,,,,,I keep feeling like this is just another role I am playing.....that my mind has made up,,,,, so I am able to survive............
I think it may just be from lieing and showing fake feelings for so long that your real feelings and beliefs are unrecognizable. and it is a constant struggle ,,,I am finding,,,,to identify my true feelings and show only them.
It may also be , because I feel like this is to easy ,,,,,,how could something this life altering and horrible to me ,,,,, be washed away so quickly and easily,,, just because I found out there are others like me and have been through the same things as me.
I know I am feeling stupid for being so afraid to the extreme I was,,,,,,,especially after telling a few people ......
i have decided not to talk to any more of my family about being intersexed.They will make me feel like I am just making up excuses for the way my life has turned out............In my family ,, if they do not think your feelings are warrented ,,, then it is your own fault for feeling that way ,, and you have no right to feel that way,,, so don't come crying to me...................
i am sure of one thing though,,,,,,,,,the first week I was here at blo. I could not read a word ,, or write any,,, without crying and being overwelmed with emotion.....I feel like I have emptied out the trash and am looking to fill back up with anew.
I want to say how much i value the comments and suggestions from the folks at blo. I have made so many wrong turns in my life,,,,, and so many bad decisions........ that i am very afraid of not choosing the right direction to go .I value and trust your advice ,,,, moreso than my own at this point.
thank- you all !!! HAVE A GREAT DAY
vBulletin, Copyright ©2000-2008, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.