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Hi all my beautiful intersex brothers and sisters. I thought I would share some things that have been going on in my life the last couple days, as I hope it might give some inspiration and courage to those who have felt the same as I.
First off , I want to say ,,,,,,,,, I have wasted alot of my life because of fear. Do not assume anything !!!!! The same way no one knew what was in my mind,,,,,,, I didn't know what was in theirs.
All my life I have had someone that was understanding , accepting, and loving . Someone who would have, and has fought the world for me. And I didn't even know it . MY mother !
On monday I spoke to my mother openly about how I was born, for the first time in my life.
I was very scared , I assumed my parents didn't want to deal with my condition , and they had the attitude that if they pretend its not there ,,, then it won't be a problem. Boy was I wrong !
I was not sure how she would react , but I knew I needed answers about my medical history.
I started by asking her if she ever heard the word "intersex".
she said " intersex ? , no , why? ",,,,,,,,,,, I said " because thats what I am ."
she looked very confused , so I said , go back to the day I was being born ,,,,,,,,,,,, your in the hospital , and you just gave birth to me ,,,, now what exactly happened from there.?.....
she told me that they took me away right away ,,,,, and didn't let her even see me for two or three days ,,,, and didn't tell her sh*t. only that a specialist is looking at me .
finally her doctor came in and said, " by now you must realize that there is a problem."..... ( no shit sherlock ).....
So he took my mother to me ..............to show her.
I found out that this doctor didn't have a clue,,,,,,, but he is my hero .
He said they didn't know if I was male or female . they could not tell if I had a penis or a enlarged clitoris. It was funny listening to my mom , tell me what he said , and I knew what He said , before she finished telling me ,,,lol ,,,, because of course I have read so many stories like my own.
Anyway,,,,,, he said , he was not sure ,,, but he had a gut feeling for some reason ,,, that I was male,,,,,,,,,,,,and he would do everything it takes to be certain of my gender.after a week or two , my mother was finally told , that in fact I was male for sure , but I could be made a girl ,,,,,,, as it was much easier.
thank god ,,, my mother said ,,,, no way ! if he's a boy then thats what he will be.
When my mother asked how come I came out that way , all she was told was , I was very unique, and that sometimes things just happen.
both her and my father put themselves through all kinds of testing because they were afraid it was something they carried.
or my mom was thinking it was something maybe she did.
My mother was sent home with me and told that I would need to have several operations as I grew . My pee hole was not at the tip and i would have to have operations to make it possible to urinate standing up.
My mother was working for the government , and I found out that they gave their yearly charity donation to my mom , so she could get the best doctor in north america for me.
She was told the best doctor for me at the time was a Dr. Cohen or Dr. kohen ,,,,, my mother can't remember how his name is spelt. But I was flown to Edmonton , Alberta. to be operated on by him.
She said she had no one to talk to other than doctors and said she followed their word as though it was the word of god himself.
she said it was very hard with no support , and said there was no such thing like a McDonalds house or anything . and she is pissed to know there were other mothers out there going through the same thing as her.
My mom said he should have my medical records because he had asked her if he could document everthing , and my mom said yes.
I also found out that the one testicle I have , is in fact very healthy and my mom was told that it was doing the job of two.
but the other testicle was removed as she was told it was destoryed from the heat of the body or something to that effect.
That is a relief,Whew , at least I can stop worrying about having a cancerous testicle inside me. :)
I was prepared to die in order to keep my testicle. After reading so many stories,,,,,,I feel like we are made to provide evidence in order to be who we want to be. It is not enough in our society to simply say ' I am a man " or " I am a woman ". people demand proof. and It makes me feel like my testicle is my only proof I was meant to be a man, and not have these dam breasts !
After finding out all the information I could from her ,,,,,,,I filled her in on intersex and some of the different types ,,, told her the history ,,,,,, told her how things are today in regards to intersex issues. And what we are doing about it.
then came the big moment ,,,,,,,,,, I started to tell her the truth about my life and what I was really feeling . I told her everything from the time I can remember. I told her how I was treated all the times I was in the hospital and how it made me feel.
I told her I was hiding this secret my whole life and how I have felt like this freak of nature. told her how developing breasts was why I quit school and many jobs . I told her that her son was in fact not this pioneer , going off on his own to explore the world all the time. I was running away from the world and hiding , and told her how it was a 24/7 job to hide my secret and I would get tired and fed up and I would go somewhere no one knew me . I told her about the time I was 14 and a buddy at school said to me, " why do you walk funny ? " I realized I was constantly trying to adjust with each step because my underwear was always pinching my one testicle , I guess because everything is small and squished between my thighs. From that day on , it became painful work to walk . I was always afraid of drawing attention to my secret.
My poor mom was in absolute shock,,,,,,,,,, she sat their in a daze saying ,,, oh my god ,,,,, I had no idea ,,,,,,,,,she sat there crying but I could tell she was trying to be strong for me , as I still can't talk about parts of my life with out breaking down .
I just noticed the time .......I have to go ,,,
TO BE CONTINUED.......
Jesse, Congratulations! It must feel great. I remember that first talk with my mom. Afterwards our relationship totally changed because there weren't any secrets anymore. As I've written here, it also made her a great supporter of the intersex movement.
Betsy
Hi Jesse,
It is great to hear that your mom was there for you when you brought up your past. In my case, talking with my parents was an exercise in evasion. After reading your post, you gave me the courage to contact the hospital where I was born, and also contact the March of Dimes about past treatment. I just sent them emails this afternoon asking about how to get old medical records. I anticipate difficulties, because I believe my medical treatments were done in a couple of different locations. I am glad that this forum is here and so many people are open about being intersexed.
Thanks,
Peter
right on peter ,,,,,,,, i so glad to hear you did that , I hope you get your records.
Thanks betsy , it was one of your post I read about you and your mom , that made me think ........
You guys should have heard my mom ,,,,,, after we had time to collect ourselves .
I would tell her more and more , like I was telling her about how I feel now , and that it is the breasts I need delt with first.
And she's all ,,," oh don't worry about that ,,,, thats nothing ,, we'll get that taken care of right away. :)
I told her I thought no one cared about my condition,,,,,,,,,, and she told me that I was the one who decide to stop going to the doctors.
I said the last time we were at the doctors , he sent me out of the room and told me to tell the receptionist to make another appointment (it never seemed that my mother and I were in the same room together, the doctor would look at me then go talk to my mom) I told my mom the only thing I remember was I didn't go make the appointment because I was to embaressed to tell the receptionist because she was a girl. and I just went straight to the car instead. I don't remember saying another word about it after that.
I know they wanted to put in a fake testicle , and I heard the doctor tell my mom that there was nothing they could do for the length of my penis ... So I didn't give two craps about the fake testical. what good was it ,?,, I wasn't going to show anyone my little thingy anyway so....
she said I just refused to ever go back and I didn't want to talk about it. I don't remember the car ride home at all , so I have to believe she is right.
I did a better job at keeping my secret than I thought . My mom had no idea I was feeling all of this ,,, never mind me having breasts. She was told back when I was 13 , that the cosmetic part was all that was left to do ,, so when I said no , she thought I was all good with everything ,,,, and that if i needed anything I would come to her.
I assured her that it was not her fault , I remember freaking out at 8 years old because my sister told one of her friends I went to the hospital.
I am pretty sure it was me who insisted on the secrecy.
I told her she could not provide me with what I needed if I didn't tell her I needed it .
I told her that I don't look at my past as a punishment anymore. I told her we were very lucky , even if we weren't told everything , back then alot of intersexed people were assigned the wrong sex .
I feel so happy now , and have my whole life ahead of me , and I truley believe my past was for a reason ,,,,, because it has left me with an understanding I feel blessed to have .
My mom is very interested in helping with intersex awareness and the first thing she said when i told her about an intersex event , was ,, oh can mothers come ?,,,lol
It feels pretty good , but I can't help feeling so stupid for not saying something sooner. but the important thing is I am doing it now.
I can't wait to see my medical records.
Have a great night everyone ,,,,,,,,,,,,
HI Jessie: You are so lucky in having your parents tell you, my mom when I confronted her went into a screaming denial and even yelled out that maybe they gave her the wrong baby. After hearing that I just wished that they did.. , though she did finally did admit that maybe your dad and I made the wrong decision. left me really confused and lost.
Take care Ray
hi ray ,
Well, my mom was alright when talked to her ,, but i haven't spoke to my father in about 5 years.
he's all about being the perfect male specimen. He's not interested in the truth. Some people are better left in the dark ,, and he is one of them.
Ray ,,, do you mean , your mom was trying to say she didn't know you were born intersexed?
hey ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I just went to check your bio ,,, and I see your from van. ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, woooooohooooo ,,, nice to meet you ,, so am I .
are you going to ubc. this week-end ? I just found out yesterday , there is a big GLBTI thing going on there ,,,,,,, but I only seen one thing on sunday about intersex.
Are you in a support group or anything?
Hi Jessie: No I won't be able to go to UBC over the weekend as I had knee surgery done on Monday and not able to use it yet. It's great to talk to someone else from Van as I find it tough to talk to anybody localy. Yes my mom kept me in the dark and what I can gather was told not to tell me, but now every so often she comes up with a little more about my past. My dad died a few years ago, and besides that we were never close. I guess I wouldn't have ever figured it out about my condition if I hadn't started getting ill from some of the conditions associated with my condition. I always did know though something was diffrent with me but thought it was just me and went through my life hidding myself. Finding out that my genetic makeup is the opposite of what I have been is I'm finding to be the hardest part. However so many questions have been answered and are being answered that it to be a big relieve.
hi ray,
sorry to hear about your knee, ,, I am not going to ubc either .
when did you find out about all that ray? how do you feel about this information?how was it growing up for you?
If you feel comfortable enough,,,,,,, may I suggest starting a new thread and introducing yourself . there are alot of very nice people here that probably want to say hi and get to know ya.
I am not sure exactly what to say about myself , other than I was born some sort of intersex. I haven't found my old doctor or medical files yet ,,,,
What happens if my doctor is not alive anymore ,,,what happens to my records?
I am not even sure if my mom can remember his name correctly or not . this is very frustrating . Although it was very comforting talking to my mom ,,,,,
the reality of it is ,,,, my moms brain is shutting down parts of her body ,,,,,,,,,,, she can't deal with it ,,,,,,,,,,,, she can't deal with reallity . she doesn't understand whats happening to her , and doctors have been unable to tell her why. So she turns to alcohol . that mixed with her medication does not equal someone capable of recalling 30 year old facts.
I am really looking forward to getting my medical records , there are answers in there.
take care all ,,,,,,,,,,,,
Hi Jesse,
I am glad to hear that you are looking forward to getting your medical records. I have moved on to the second step of getting my own records. The first step was to send a short email to the public information officer at the hospital where I was born. I got her address through their web page. The email included my name, date of birth, and expressed my interest in getting my medical records. I kept it short, and did not say anything about intersex. A good thing was that I did not have to know the name(s) of the doctor(s) who treated me at the hospital. So, as a first step, all that was needed was a hospital name.
The second step was to download a "Release of Information" form from the medical records office web site and fill it out. The form I downloaded was a one page .pdf file. The form was actually pretty simple. As a patient asking for my own records, I simply had to supply them with my full name, date of birth, home address, state the scope of records sought (a big check box for "all records" was included), and sign my name and date it. Again, no requirement for any names of doctor(s). As all medical records over 30 pages cost $.46 a page for records supplied to patients, I will probably have to send them some money.
Now, I just have to wait. I have all kinds of mixed feelings. I really hate having to send away for crucial information about my life. I wish that I did not have my genital scars, and that they had left my genitals alone.
Peter
hiya peter,
I'm excited for ya peter, I hate waiting for things though ,,,lol,,, I have to be the most impatient person I know.
I never order stuff, if i can't have it right now, I don't want it ,,lol
I have been feeling a little out of sorts the last couple days ,,,, i think I figured it out ,,,,,
I guess the day I told my mom ,,,,,,,,, I was feeling so great , like I was really going to get this rolling with her help.
I realize now , that I can't expect any support from her . not in the condition she is in right now anyway.
I am feeling scared and reluctant to press forward . I know there are other people born intersexed , and I feel like I am not alone and I can handle my condition. But once I leave this computer , and go out in the world , all that changes ,,,,,and I am right back to feeling exactly the way I did before . I don't want to tell anyone I'm intersexed .
The whole point is not to feel ashamed and alone.
All i have learnt so far is ,,, there are alot of people born the same way as me , and they don't want anyone to know about themselves either.
i feel like most intersexed people have found a way to deal with their conditions , and are content in having nothing to do with intersexed issues.
I was afraid this would happen ,, but i felt like I had nothing to lose anyway................I am pissed at myself for telling anyone,,,,, and I can't take it back now,,,,,,,, people know ,,,, and I feel like that little boy all alone laying naked on a bed ,,,as all the normals gather around to stare .
Dana Gold
03-08-04, 07:26 PM
quote:
"I am feeling scared and reluctant to press forward ."
Dear Jesse,
So often we see ourselves being "hindered" by others' lack of cooperation with the things that are so important to us.
My own mother, beyond the "peep" of having admitted to my getting "shots" for my own good, will speak no more of my past. And since she had a triple bypass heart surgery last year, I do not press for more "answers". I was born in a house (not hospital) and have no real birth certificate, and 2 birth "reports" in different last names (adoption) in the German language.. I cannot get my med records because having been the dependant child of military personnel (adopted by step-father) those were removed/destroyed from archival files 25 yrs after last visit(1965) in 1990.....too late!!:( :confused:
I used to think that being intersexed meant a curse of an existence in another "dimension". In actuality it is others who are in the different "dimension".
I have endured this life in the "Twilight Zone" and have learned (finally) to not depend upon others for my redemption, sense of self, and future. If I were to depend upon the majority of others for these, then I would have no real identity, sex, or a "place" in this world. And, accordingly, most of the world may not, to this day, acknowledge me as a real person; a curiosity, joke, or worst of all : a freak of nature and/or a fa**ot. Most of these people just do not understand being intersexed, PERIOD; they are exceedingly ignorant. However, thankfully, some people do: "real" friends and "real" human beings. But, for those resultant "misconceptions" , I too have felt a lot of anger, sadness, and frustration for not being acknowledged for what I am.... and could have been... if not for "their" intervention; medically, physically and psychologically. I feel , at times, extremely bitter about it all; and I have come to know it as the "acid" that erodes me further..... perhaps even causing joy to those who see me as "deviant" and would villify me . And it is that bitterness which has, in those instances, caused me to add that much more alienation to pre-existing alienation from the "others". I must, therefore, consider for my own sake, that such people who would judge, "evaluate" and classify me as something I am not, as being simply "unreal", deluded, and living lies themselves; hence THEY are in "another dimension" , in denial of the truth we all know as just being .....human.
Jesse, do not give up on yourself and the aspirations you have spoken of before. The feeling you have now is a natural response to what you may perceive as failure (maybe). It is really sorrow. A process of grieving that we all go through; acknowledge it, feel it, but as I tell you from personal experience: it is only temporary. Remember one of my poems: please don't choke your own life. You will get through this and then move on with your life, with you as the center; the Captain of Your Ship. Be your own "wind" to provide the sails to unfurl and carry you to your own "place"in this world. And, let not bitterness be the "medicine" you use to heal yourself; it will only eat you up. Aye, aye, Cap'n??;)
Take care; be good to yourself. (and others)
Dana
PS: HUGZZZZZZZ:D
Hi Jesse,
Thanks for your post. I have also been unhappy today. Just this morning, after writing a long explanation of medical record ROI forms for "Bodies", I received word from the March of Dimes that they are unable to find me in their patient archives. As my parents have clearly indicated that treatment for my deformed hip, if not intersex treatment, was funded through the March of Dimes, I suspect a cover up. I wonder if the archivist read my file, and decided not to give me the information I requested because of who I am. I do not know anything for sure, but I am suspicious. I am still pushing forward on other fronts.
My own effort to "Tell 5" is going forward, and I have told at least five people about my being intersexed. I told a couple of people about a year ago, and a few more recently. Most of my friends know that I am intersexed. Only one person (besides my parents) could not really deal with my openness. The most interesting response was from a woman who asked me if I would be happier if I was not male. So, it is hard to predict the responses that you will get when you tell five. I would generally say that responses have been positive, but I am somewhat careful about who I tell.
To me, since I live in a big city, telling five does not change the world around me that much. The big change is inside of me. I have not informed people at work that I am intersexed. However, I suspect that some people found out through the grape-vine. In the past, I have had people, who were almost total strangers ask me about being intersexed.
Good luck on feeling better soon. Your posts are always refreshing in their honest details.
Peter
hiya peter ,
that sucks man ,,,,,,,,, i am so sorry to hear that . now what ? do you really care? i mean , did you need something specific from your records ?
I wonder what a doctor would do if he had a new patient like one of us ? how do doctors aquire medical records? do they use the same methods you spoke of ? maybe they have better success locating records,,,,,, . I don't suppose you have any friends that are doctors do ya?
I am not to worried anymore about finding mine , I guess I have enough confirmation about my past from my mother to just let it go .there is no point in me doing any futher investigation , it won't change anything.
peter ,,,, i thought the tell five was ,,, tell 5 per day ,,,,lol,,
,i was thinking of suggesting we tell 2 that will promise to tell2 more , and so on ..........
did you know that If i told two people today , and got them to promise to tell two people each and get them to make the same promise,,,,,,,,,,,,, on the 19th day ,,,,,,, over 1,000,000 people would have been told about intersex .
one million people in 19 days ,,,,,,,, all starting from one voice ....
there is a teen age country singer ,,,, billy something ? he is awesome ,,,, his song ,,,,, " one voice " could have been wrote about an intersexed person.
DANA ,,,,,,,, hiya :) ..........
this is my way of thinking (today anyway lol) , I am confused about some issues,,,, is it ? , " our lives effect us " or " we effect our lives " ,,,, everyone has their own opinion .
when I came here i felt lost ,,,,,,,, that is why i choose that name .i came here looking for answers and in desprate need of guidence ,,,,,,, and coming here has helped me a great deal .
I felt like suddenly there were all these people who knew what I was all about and could show me the path to happiness.....
I was wrong ,,,,, it is silly to think we have this deep understanding or connection with each other just because we were all born intersexed. we don't ,,,, not on that fact alone. no more than a man saying he understands all men because he was born one ,,,
I guess I was feeling a little bummed coming to that conclusion.
I don't even know who I am or what I really believe in .....
How could anyone possibly know me ? i don't know myself ,,,lol
I was looking up to someone here trying to follow their advice ,, only to find out after reading some old posts ,,,,,,,, that this person,,,,,,, #1 never felt ashamed of there body. #2 has never thought about killing themselves.
how could this person even come close to understanding ? It's not their fault ,,,, don't get me wrong ,,,,,,, what I'm trying to say is ,,,,, it is me ,,,,,,,,, I think because of my condition and my past , I have always thought it was my body that was my problem ........ but I sit here asking myself ,,,,,, well ,,, if it's your body that is the problem ,,,, then there you go ,,, there's the cure ...... why are you not going to it? I basicly know everything now ,,,,,,, why am I not rushing out to get rid of my problem?
I feel like I am making excuses ,,, oh I have no one to come with me ,, I can't find my records , i can't find my old doctor ,,, blah blah blah ,,,,,,,, it's all bullshit ,,,, but i can't firgure out why ?
I think I am scared ,, I think Iknow deep down ,,,, it is not my body that depresses me ,,,,,,,,,,, it is this world I am forced to live in . changing my appearance won't change the rest of the world.
Why should I have to change? thats bullshit!!! god loves me the way I am or i wouldn't be here! If I have to celebrate that alone ,, then i will. i do not wish to be known as anything other than an INDIVIDUAL SOUL !!!! hey thats ,, IS ,,, lol
I am refusing to just " survive life" ,,,,,,,,,, I think that is more chicken shit than commiting suicide. neither one is the answer,, And I for one ,,, am going to continue fighting this battle of unacceptance,,,,,, I will find my heaven on earth ,,, even if I have to build it myself!
Dana Gold
03-11-04, 05:15 PM
quote:
I will find my heaven on earth ,,, even if I have to build it myself!
Ahoy!
Ye be right, 'tis a mean 'n nasty world we be livin' in.. .. and ye be also right, 'bout buildin' yer very own "ship"...aye wit strong timbers and hefty sails, But, I reckon ye be knowin' what t' do.
And when ye do git it bilt, whatcha gonna name yer ship, Cap'n? .
And when ye finally does heaves ho and finds yer "home port", be lettin' de rest o' yer shipmates know, eh?....we'll share us some grog t' celeybrate.
:D
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